Minho had waited for the girl, his current ‘official’ girlfriend of only a month or so, to really initiate the kiss since it had been what seemed like forever since he had kissed a girl, even though it wasn’t true at all. Months passed since the last girl he was trying to see seriously broke off because he couldn’t look at her without fear of ridicule, when in fact she knew nothing of his recent past. 

Minho liked to think it was because of her they broke up, but that wasn’t true. 

It was him.

Always Minho.

He really didn’t care as much as he though he would. He didn’t miss her. Maybe he wasn’t really interested in her either. He couldn’t tell. Dating, the whole thing of it, was still confusing. Maybe with age it would grow less so. It’s odd though, because young men his age should enjoy dating, getting intimate with beautiful girls. He still didn’t.

This girl though, she was different, or so he kept repeating to himself. She was cute with a beautiful smile and didn’t seem upset he hadn’t tried anything with her yet, which was refreshing. He didn’t want to do anything ual with the girls he’s been with, he just tried to enjoy their company without growing horrible anxious around them. Maybe this one would really change that. Maybe she’s the one.

Minho was glad she stepped forward first this time, so he didn’t have to, which was hard enough to think about since he felt it was his duty to make the first move, as a man. That’s what he had been taught, what he had observed growing up. But Minho really did think liked the girl. But there was the itching unfamiliar feeling still, making Minho uncomfortable in the relationship, like any other since those men did what they done to him.

Or maybe it was really since that cold night with Jinki when a confusing confession was spoke aloud to him.

He couldn’t be sure.

Minho’s eyes blinked open when her pretty, glossy lips pressed to his. She’s soft, he noted. Girls are always softer. 

Why wasn’t he as soft as a girl real? The intrusive thought was pushed away, suddenly trying to show masculine dominance before his body detached from what he knew as reality. He reached out to touch her head, gently cupping it, like all those men do on tv.

Minho was more aware of how to return a kiss now thanks to time, and to be honest, his friend. But Minho didn’t want to be thinking of Jinki now even though he was. There still wasn’t the same spark and life there like with Jinki when their mouths met. Still, after all this time, Minho tried to figure out how Jinki could love him in such away, but if Jinki could love him in that way, maybe he could find a girl that wouldn’t judge him like he subconsciously feared. She would love him no matter what. But even with years beginning to pass, Minho felt he could never tell anyone else what happened to him. They wouldn’t put up with him like family or Jinki, he was sure of that much.

And now, still, Jinki wouldn’t leave Minho’s mind. When his head was held, girlfriend falling back on the couch and pulling him along, Minho went willingly. He put more into the kiss, tongues brushing like he had with Jinki in the past.

Jinki still wasn’t gone from his mind. He couldn’t fully focus on his girlfriend. 

Minho reached a hand to her thin stomach, pushing his palm up while she gave a cute, breathy giggle between them. Her giggle was swallowed when his hand stopped on her small chest, firs time experience. She was so soft, gorgeous and really too sweet to him, and having touched a girl’s would linger in his mind. Not for a ual aspect but for another desire, days big eyes looked down at a flat chest with bitten lips that something was wrong. Minho pressed into her harder, but Jinki was still there and when his girlfriend pulled from the kiss, pained whine falling from her parted lips and a ‘stop’ Minho wasn’t sure was really there, he froze. He hurried off her, eyes wide and hands held between clamped thighs while he sat back on the couch of the small karaoke room, both very much alone in a popular dating spot.

She sat up smiling, though Minho couldn’t see since he wouldn’t look. Any slight drive he had moments ago was now completely gone. The thought made him nauseous and almost shudder. But worse, he had to bite back a growing, and very inappropriate, giggle in the back of his throat. He couldn’t suddenly laugh now. How he subconsciously coped, others wouldn’t understand. He wasn’t a little boy anymore who could laugh at some silly ual activity. 

. He hated it. What a gross act.

A soft hand reached for his shoulder, sweet voice telling him it was okay, and she was fine, really.

Minho wasn’t fine. He felt her touch, but it wasn’t comforting. He was sure he was being touched by one of those men, mocking him. Their voices whispered in his mind, amused by what he’s done and how he feels now - belittled next to a gorgeous girl. He wasn’t even man enough. They were right, there’s something so much more wrong with him, something even deeper.

It was too much, too much all over again.

Later that night while home, shut away in his bedroom, Minho sat at his desk scrunched over as if to hide as he scrolled through forms he really didn’t belong in. Even his username and identity were anything but the truth. 

Still, for weeks now, he would read words from women – survivors as they claimed, speaking about coping with traumatic moments in their lives, often by the hands of men. Some stories left Minho with new nightmares. Really, he had never thought of such horrible things happening to others. Some people really were monsters far worse than movies and storybooks ever said.

Minho felt a little dirty lying about who he was, especially if anyone bothered to contact him, being sweet and unaware they were speaking to a man.

Still, whatever information Minho could find that would help, he took it. But it also reminded him that what happened wasn’t supposed to happen to men, was it? There were no men around these forums. Some days he was at peace with that, because they were right, it only happened to females and Minho was--

He then took that identity and applied it elsewhere, laughing at himself to hide why he was really doing it. There was new message tonight asking how he was doing, or rather – her.

Minho smiled, Minho genuinely smiled, at being spoken to as a female. It fit. It was acknowledgment without fear of someone looking at a body that wasn’t the spitting image of a woman.

He had it all figured out, who he was as female online. The longer he did it the less it felt like some silly character he was playing, like those fun video games, and more like himself. Minho was that person, at least inwardly – some days he was that person, sure of it as the sky was blue, then others he was who he knew himself to be when he looked in a mirror. He inwardly fit the body he was born with again.

So Minho replied, female in every way. It was the highlight of the day, being her online, rather than time spent with a girlfriend with a sweet smile. He thought of taking another selca, one girls on the internet said ‘she’ looked really cute and pretty, and Minho soared inside, like someone understood while Minho was like this, lost somewhere between identities. Such a pretty, small face to be born with, it was easy to look like the other girls in selcas. Again he heard cries of envy over big eyes, like in middle school. 

He wasn’t sure what all of it meant yet. Maybe he was more than broken, he was insane. This reached back further than that weekend away from home. Since a child with painted nails and tears over being called a boy. Misgendered. That’s what it was.

With a heavy sigh, Minho shut his laptop off and crawled into bed, falling asleep with the feeling of firm, male hands running over his body and down between his spread legs. The sweet voice of his girlfriend mocked him, laughing that he was disgusting.

A week later, Minho sat out at an early lunch with Jinki on the weekend when they weren’t bogged down by classes at their schools. It was nearing holidays season again, so it was crunch time or busy working often. 

“How’s the girlfriend?” Jinki smiled, sitting across from Minho at their small table in the corner of the café, casually asking about life. 

Minho knew Jinki was dating too at the moment, a sweet woman by Yoonhee, he thought, though he had only seen the girl several times and Minho had half the mind to wonder if Jinki was trying to hide her - knowingly or not. The only way Minho recognized that it upset him was jealously he still couldn’t be happily dating too. The weird thing was he has never been happily dating, he’s not even sure what it looked like. He had a lack of interest, somehow, but a determination to still fit to what society said, and that meant a boy his age wanted to date pretty girls. Jinki had been dating a girl much longer than usual – months even, and they looked good together, they fit together while Minho could only mange a one month at the most. It was a twisted and painful reality.

Whenever he felt a peek of a drive he should have as a growing young man, it would soon disappear. It was still a much rarer occasion when he would even touch himself to get off and relieve stress. Once, during hot shower, a wet finger pressed into him, just to mindlessly see, and for a short time he let go enough to allow something other than discomfort or shame – maybe even feel good. But soon morbid curiosity dwindled and memories with a body that betrayed him would flood his clouded mind and he’d pull his hands away, scrubbing them red and sore under burning hot shower water in a bathroom where he should be safe and alone. Hot tears would burn his eyes as he mumbled unknowingly, telling himself he’s wrong and disgusting. Times like that were when he lost his drive the longest.

Minho shifted in his chair, sipping his coffee and quietly answering, “We broke up.”

He watched Jinki’s face fall, knowing his friend was genuinely upset for him. Minho had awkwardly broken up with her over text messaging a few days after that incident and ignored any calls from her after until they finally stopped. He was sorry he hurt another person like that – especially a girl. It wasn’t right of him. But like the girl before her, he didn’t miss her. Again, she wasn’t different. He was dating to prove something.

Jinki’s foot tapped Minho’s leg from under the table and he looked back up, pulled from painful thoughts. Jinki was smiling again – warm, comforting, reassuring. 

“Don’t worry, you’ll find the right one, hm?” Jinki sipped his coffee, eyes still smiling at Minho over his cup.

Minho smiled, like Jinki could so easily make him do now. He felt better suddenly, in away Jinki always made him feel. Minho nodded his head, picking up his own coffee to take a sip.

“You’ll be graduating in a matter of months now. College girls~.” Jinki winked like he was telling some big secret. Minho didn’t really understand, but he smiled with a laugh anyway. Graduation wasn’t something he liked to think on long. He wasn’t going to be getting into any school he had planned to while starting high school. He already suspected that would happen long ago, but it still hit hard knowing the truth. He wouldn’t go to a nice college like his older brother and Jinki. 

Inappropriately, Minho accused, “hyung, like you’ve even had yet. What do you know about college girls?”

Jinki looked taken aback by Minho’s words said suddenly and out in public. “I was teasing..” He hid behind a sip of his coffee.

Minho did the same, eyes wide. Where that came from, he wasn’t sure. He blinked and stared closely at Jinki who had lowered his gaze.

Strange or not, to this day, Minho had never forgotten Jinki’s confession all that time ago. He hadn’t forgotten the way it made him feel either - scared, but alive like he could find a good reason to keep trying and moving forward. Someone could actually love the person he’s turned into. At times, Minho still wondered if he tainted Jinki with his foolish actions in the past. Actions he still played out to this day on occasion. Mostly thoughtless moments of happiness or moments of weakness, just needing the touch of familiar lips to comfort him, as wrong as it may still be in Minho’s mind. Somehow Jinki still hadn’t held that against him. Maybe it was part of the silly and unexplainable part of Jinki being in love? Minho couldn’t be sure. Maybe someday he would though.

Minho hoped he could figure out what Jinki saw in him, figure the older out. But more than that, he wanted to return the feelings, as weird as that made him feel if he dwelled on the idea of it – how scary it really was to Minho, because no one would ever accept it, he knew – a man with a woman was the true way. And Minho certainly didn’t want to out of obligation either though, which he feared that’s what the need was really. He owed Jinki so much. 

He admired the older on a level different than others.

Minho still thought back on that day at times, when they first met. The day he sulked on a field by himself and a bright smiling older boy bothered to pay attention to him, cheer him up, and continue to – even stayed around after what happened to him when he never had to. He allowed Minho to drag him through so much stress without running away.

How is that not a huge debt to pay?

That friend was sill here, sitting with him and that’s what he needed most right now and he really was grateful for it.

Minho was still lost, fingers itching at hidden cuts on his arm from only days ago, at this point not sure he was it because he needed to feel something or to try and shock a body that felt not his own back into being his own. He was more confused about it than ever.

But, somehow, here and now, he felt better.

“College girls..” Minho mused while kicking Jinki under the table childishly, not concerning himself with worry over exams and knowing he’s not going to get into any elite colleges like Jinki or his brother. So much for college girls.

Jinki laughed, not seeming flustered anymore. He cheered to Minho’s words. 

Minho grinned like a cheerful goof, somehow content and ever thankful.