Free
It (does)n’t happen - intermediate -
Minho stumbled into Minseok’s room, interrupting the older’s studies with a crooked smile and slurred voice. “Hyung, hyung… I’m happy.”
Minseok turned from his computer, eyes widening as he took in Minho’s appearance. “Are you.. drunk?” He shoved back away from his desk in the computer chair, shock turning to unamusement.
“Am I?” Minho looked himself over, really wondering if he was himself. He settled with, “I feel good~.”
Minseok shot up from his seat, stepping closer to Minho, who wouldn’t stop fidgeting near the door. He pulled roughly on Minho’s arm, almost knocking Minho over when he tripped over himself. “How.. Did you get into that stuff dad bought?”
Minho tried to frown and hide his guilt. Of course he didn’t. Instead though, he smiled wider. “Nope.”
“You’re nodding yes.”
Minho dropped a hand to his head, making it stop moving. “No I’m not.”
Minseok sighed and squeezed Minho’s arm harder in big brother frustration. Minho jerked away, hissing. He quickly smiled again though, laughing a little. “Let’s.. let’s go do something. Let’s go get girlfriends~!” Minho spun around, beginning an animated march and speaking in a song-like voice, “Let’s get laid. Lay-lay-laid.” He laughed at his dumb joke, not even fully comprehending what he was saying. His mouth just ran off with suppressed feelings.
Minho was quickly pulled back and Minseok’s bedroom door was slammed shut. “You’re not going anywhere.”
Minho whined. “Awhh.. but pretty girls are waiting for us. Somewheeeeere.”
Minho was shoved to the bed and he turned back to find his brother peeking out of his room then. Minseok turns back, “Stay there.” Minseok’s tone of voice pierced through Minho’s current state enough for him to listen to the order. Minho waited while his brother left, rolling around on Minseok’s bed and beating up pillows for reasons he wasn’t quite sure of. He nearly ripped one pillow apart and a foot slammed into the wall hard enough to knock down trophies of his brother’s sitting on a shelf high on the wall. He didn’t really notice.
Minho was hanging off the bed on his back upside down by the time Minseok came back. He laughed louder, clinging to a pillow over sitting his body.
“Mom and dad are still asleep.” Minseok sighed in relief, quietly closing his door before turning around. “What.. did you do to my room?” He didn’t seem as relieved now looking around his room.
“Uh..” Minho tried to lift his head. It didn’t work. Far too heavy and too much work. Minho gave up and offered, “It looks the same.. just upside down.”
Minseok crouched in front of Minho, eyes narrowed, reminding Minho of their father in a way he had all Minho’s life and one of the reasons he carelessly got into the alcohol that was recently bought for some occasion he didn’t care to remember. It scared him enough to squeak out a breath and squirm over the bed. “I’m sorry,” fell from his mouth without thought.
Minho flinched as a hand moved towards him, for some reason fearing the worst. He shouldn’t be scared though. Fights are what he wants these days anyway. Why be scared? Still, he felt a fear so deep it seemed to sober him up a bit. He flinched, face scrunching in anticipation of pain.
A Finger flicked Minho’s nose, and that’s all, nothing more.
“Minho-yah.”
Minho opened his eyes again, finding his brother’s expression softened. “Why did you do this? I thought..”
Minho relaxed considerably, confessing without hesitation, “I.. wanted to remember what it was like. I feel like I can do anything like this.” Minho smiled and body twisted around until he fell from the bed. He really did feel freed in a manner he hadn’t felt in far too long. He really was sure he could do anything he wanted if he put his clouded mind to it, yes. Anything he’s wanted for so long and not be hiding fear behind a strong face. Why hadn’t he done this sooner? He could face anything with a few drinks in him. Freeing…
“You can’t do this. It’s not good for you.”
Minho sat up on the floor, pulling the necklace from his brother out of his pocket. He tried to put it on, ignoring Minseok’s words, fumbling with a goofy grin still. His brother was soon sitting on the floor with him, hands reaching out and around Minho’s neck to fasten the necklace for him.
“Thanks.” Minho smiled wide, eyes falling to the gift while his fingers traced it. He really did love it more than he could say, as odd as it was.
Minseok ran his fingers through his hair, breathing deeply. Minho glanced up, finding how tired his brother was even through his fogged mind. He felt bad then, smile falling. He felt familiar guilt drag him down.
He was horrible for doing what he did. Selfish. He could only care now that he was with his brother.
Minho’s arms flew around Minseok in a quick hug, voice falling childish as he blinked watering eyes. The suddenly strong emotions were hard to handle. All emotions just seemed heightened while intoxicated. Overwhelming. “I’m sorry hyung. I’m sorry.”
A hand fell to Minho’s head, gently patting it and a softened voice spoke, “You just need to sleep it off.”
Minho lifted his head to press a sloppy kiss to his brother’s cheek, trying to apologize without words. His head turned, mouth almost meeting his brother’s at the thought of the comfort a kiss could bring him. His brother wasn’t Jinki though and he quickly pushed his mouth to his brother’s face before his lips could meet Minseok’s. He didn’t want to think about that or how Jinki could make him feel.
No. He didn’t want to think about boys. Or kissing. Or..
Minho dropped his head back to Minseok’s shoulder, eyes squeezing shut as his head spun, emotions remembering that day more than any clear memories could picture in his hazy mind. He was scared, overwhelmed in something he couldn’t escape. Minho clung to his brother tightly, afraid if he let go he would fall right back to that small room with horrible strangers and he would be powerless again even with all the fight he’s put up since then.
His motor skills slowed further, leaving him mumbling and nearly shaking, “I’m scared.. I’m scared..” It was suddenly harder to breath, and Minho blurted out in a childish copping mechanism, afraid his brother would push him away like Minho knew he should, “I’ll be good.”
He wouldn’t put up with himself, why should anyone else? That didn’t mean he wasn’t terrified of the sudden real feeling of being left alone in that room again, and this time maybe he couldn’t even open the door at the end.
A tight hold wrapped around Minho with a deep voice soon whispering familiar and calming words near his ear.
Maybe if he was lucky, he would wake normal again.
Maybe.
Minho woke in Minseok’s bed the next morning with a nasty hangover, little memories of what he did the night before and lecture from his brother who looked to have gotten little sleep. Unspoken looks from his parents were given when he stepped out into the kitchen for a late and hurried breakfast - his school uniform sloppily thrown on and long hair a mess. He could tell just by looking his dad wanted to lash out at him with an angry voice. Minho almost wished he would. Dad should just tell him now how he really felt.
What’s stopping him?
School was worse than usual with a headache and voices that seemed to speak far too loudly around him. His clenched fists itched to hit something, or someone, and he nearly did when he was stopped in the halls while he tried to quickly leave the school after classes were through. At least with Jinki in college now, he wasn’t outside Minho’s high school nearly as often, relieving Minho who barely made it outside without an outburst, head pulsing with pain and irritation.
He wandered mindlessly through the streets, dreading to go home, but by the time he stepped through his gate and stumbled into his home, he was back to being detached from his problems. The dulling headache was all he focused on. It was better than looks from family that spoke more than words could.
Minho was afraid to touch alcohol again after the awful helpless feeling crept over him each time he had the thought. If that wasn’t enough though, a visit back to the doctor later in the week due to his parents was bad enough. He refused to show anyone his completely covered body when asked for it to be examined. Threats and watchful eyes of his parents caused him to finally shove up his sleeves to reveal healing scrapes that where obviously not caused by his fingernails.
More medication was given and deep talking Minho could barely pay attention to. His leg shook and he was mad, angry, infuriated. This wasn’t supposed to happen. That promise wasn’t supposed to be broken and his brother wasn’t supposed to find out like he surely would now. There was a quiet car ride home and Minho went straight to his room when he stepped foot into the house, kicking his off shoes at the wall in anger on his way.
Later that evening, Minho barely focusing on studies as he refused to leave his room, Minseok let himself into his bedroom without a knock and quickly pulled on Minho’s arm, shoving a long sleeve up all the way. Minho yanked his arm back with a shout, scattering his papers over his desk in the process.
“You promised.” Minseok sounded more broken than mad.
Minho turned his angry eyes away, fingers pulling his sleeve back down to cover himself. “Go away. I’m busy.” He couldn’t look back, not now. His leg shook under his desk while he felt eyes watching him, maybe more than just his brother’s. He felt disgustingly exposed. Failure.
Minseok left in silence, slamming the door behind him as he went. Minho tried to go back to his work but his focus was completely gone. He shoved his books from his desk to fall to the floor and tore off the necklace from around his neck, tossing it across the room with a frustrated shout. Minho laid his head to folded arms over the desk, tired and unsure what to do with himself now.
He messed everything up, again. Why did things have to be so hard now?
Minho fell asleep at his desk, nightmares visiting him vividly that night.
When around Jinki later in the week, Minho smiled and listened to vague talk of a new girlfriend. Minho didn’t care, he didn’t feel anything. Soon hyper-awareness kicked in, short fingernails were just not doing the trick right now. He needed to feel something much sharper so he could breathe again. Maybe if he just bumped into something sharp enough… Sliced dirty skin…
He never told Jinki about the past several days. He felt no need to burden someone else. Jinki looked happy. That was enough for Minho.
He certainly didn’t want another pair of watchful eyes over every little thing he did now.
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