It was another fight, like they did more often in the last year or so. Minho looked ready to jump into a fistfight if he could manage it. Jinki’s own anger grew - an outlet for his own built up stresses. He really didn’t want a physical fight this time. It was too much.

Careless words were thrown around Jinki’s living room while the two were there alone. Minho shouted over Jinki, causing a suddenly dead silence. Jinki quickly stood, staring down at Minho siting on the couch still, fists shaking at his sides and eyes blinking away embarrassing, unwanted tears.

“Do you think I wanted this?” Jinki nearly shouted, frustration reaching its breaking, “That I planned this? I just woke up one day saying,” his voice rose to a fake humored tone, nearly sounding hysterical as he blinked burning eyes, “‘Hey, I think I’ll fall in love with my male friend.” With more emphasis he added, “My best friend.” Jinki huffed a breath, feeling far too exposed suddenly. His fists shook and his breaths were harder to take in. He never planned this. Never.

He never wanted to be the scared, lonely kid frightened when he looked at another boy like he did a girl. He hated himself for it, suppressed it to the point he wouldn’t acknowledge it. 

Unfazed by the older’s display, Minho shook his head, eyes falling away from Jinki. His voice was nearly a whisper, “Hyung you can’t love me, not like that.” 

“Why?” Jinki asked, heart hurting and more than anything - wanting an acceptable answer, one that could change his mind and heart. Make it all stop. Right now. He would do anything to make it stop, if it meant they could just be happy and normal again. 

Stop it. 

“Because..” Minho fidgeted now, scratching absently at his clothed arms. A little louder this time, he spoke more firmly in his deep voice,  “You can’t.”

“That’s not reason enough, Minho.” Jinki’s eyes narrowed, voice refusing to stop spilling secrets he didn’t want anyone to hear. “Even if you did have a good reason, I can’t just change how I feel – how I see you now. I can’t flip it off like it’s some..” words failed him, “Dumb switch. I’ve tried.” Jinki’s usually strong voice faltered now, “Believe me, I’ve tried so hard to.”

Minho grew quiet then, head lowering in a defeated manner, hiding behind long hair. 

Jinki’s hard expression softened, voice breaking slightly, “I’ve tried.”

“I’m sorry.. I..” Minho rubbed the back of his head, fight draining again. “I’ll leave.”

Minho was gone before Jinki could think of anything to say to stop him.

He sat alone in his room, trying to reevaluate his feelings, still make them go away. If he couldn’t find a clear reason for falling in love, how could he ever fix it? His fist slammed into the wall beside him a few times, causing it to redden and throb sorely. Eyes blinked back more hot tears because he was supposed to be stronger than this. If he couldn’t even get through this, how could he ever help Minho?

A few weeks later, Jinki was seeing a new girl after not dating for a couple years by this point. She was fairy tall, thinly built, with soft round features and short dark hair. She didn’t remind him of anyone - that’s not why he was dating her. He hadn’t expected her to accept his offer of a casual date when he asked clumsily one day. For some reason she did, and she stayed.

He actually smiled again being around her, someone who could find something worthwhile in him.

He was happy. 

He had to be.