JESSICA’s

“Wag mo na kong hintayin, late ako uuwi. Yoong will be out 'till night, and she asked me to stay until midnight.” Yuri’s voice sounded so tired. I don’t know if she’s getting enough rest or what, but I hope she does. It’s been a month ever since nagtatrabaho na siya kay Yoona, and well... not that I’m against her decision pero lately, we barely meet.

“Sige, anong oras ka uuwi? Diyan ka na rin ba kakain? Or pagtirhan pa rin kita ng dinner?” It’s always like this, aalis ako ng wala siya, uuwi rin akong wala siya. I dont know why, pero eto na naman kami, bumalik na naman sa set-up ng long distance relationship. What’s worse is nasa iisang bahay na lang, hindi pa rin magkita-kita.

“Late na, madaling araw ulit. Hindi na rin ako kakain dyan, wag ka na magtabi ng pagkain. Sige na, dumadami na tao sa loob. Bye.” I sighed, wala naman akong magagawa if that’s the case, she needs to work and so do I. Sanayan na lang minsan.

“Okay bye, I love you.” Before I could get a reply naputol na yung linya. Minsan napapaisip na lang ako, is she purposely doing this? Kay Yoona ko na lang nababalitaan mga nangyayari sa kanya, and when she’s here, we don’t even converse that long. Kain, tulog, work repeat. It’s not the usual anymore, it’s getting worse.

Since when did you became so distant to me? Ever since you talked to Soo about us? About your descisions? About how unsure you are everytime you choose to stay with me every single day? Ayoko na lang ulit isipin. I heard it, I heard everything, hindi ko na lang ipinaalam sayo. Kasi sabi mo, you’d heal for us, sabi mo you’d always be there for me, and you’ll love me. Pero yung sinabi mo, labas sa kabilang tenga, pawala na, kahit ikaw, pawala na rin.

I did you wrong, but never in my life I had thought I wasn’t sure of you. Kahit pa ilang beses mo ko sisihin, kahit pa ilang beses mong ibuhos sakin yung galit, yung sakit, I never want you out of my life, I never wanted to give you up, at akala ko ganon ka pa rin. Akala ko kumakapit ka pa rin, akala ko nilalaban mo pa rin. Sobrang contradicting ng mga sinabi mo, minsan di ko na alam kung maniniwala pa rin ako sayo.

Ayokong matulog, the thought itself is keeping me awake, gusto kitang hintayin, gusto kita makita, gusto lang kita maramdaman ulit. Yung dating tayo, yung dating ikaw, gusto ko lang bumalik sa mga panahon na hindi ko kailangan magduda sa mga pinaparamdam mo, my days are just... getting lonelier and lonelier.

I laid on the couch, making myself comfortable around this hour. Hindi ko alam kung anong oras siya ngayon uuwi, but hopefully she will return earlier than usual. Scrolling through my messages, it is very unnecessary for him to call today, now that I’m not in the mood to talk to him. Very timely nga naman, sana nag off na lang pala ako ng phone.

I want to decline it, but my mind concerns whatever he wants to say to me. Sana kasi nagtetext muna bago tumawag, or sana itext na lang kung ano man yung kailangan niya. It’s been ringing for a minute now, so I guess I have no choice but to answer it. I didn’t say anything and waited for him to talk, pero tahimik lang din siya pagsagot ko. If we’re going to talk in silence, then ibaba ko na lang.

“Kung wala ka sasabihin, I’ll hung up—” Inilayo ko yung phone sa tenga ko, but his voice was loud enough para marinig ko. Napakunot yung noo ko sa sinabi niya, ang lakas naman talaga ng loob mo?

“Can I come over tomorrow? Bisitahin lang kita? I mean if it’s okay with you though?” Syempre hindi, okay? Ngayon pa talaga na hindi kami lagi nagkikita ni Yuri? This guy really knows how to everything up.

“Bakit? Anong meron? Hindi mo naman ako kailangan makita ah?” I said, infact wala naman talaga siyang dapat ipunta.

“Wala lang, gusto lang kita makita? Just to check how my son’s going.” If I could just make him stay away from me baka ginawa ko na talaga. Gets ko yung pinopoint out niya, but still, it’s a no for me.

“You can come, once he’s here na. But please Kris, utang na awa lang, stop calling me whenever you want to. It’s not helping me fix my relationship with Yuri, konting konsiderasyon naman sana na may girlfriend ako.” I finally made it clear with him for the last time possible. He’s been like this for days, texting me and calling me non-stop dahil alam niya laging wala si Yuri.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay, especially when Yuri’s not around. Hindi naman sa panggugulo, your health concerns me kasi, as well as the baby’s well-being. Ayoko lang na you’re being stressed over Yuri’s lack of time.” Napapikit na lang ako sa narinig ko, that’s just a one-time thing, nothing more nothing less.

“Look Kris, nag-open lang ako ng isang beses but that doesn’t mean I’ll take advantage of her absence. Wag mo na lang isipin 'yon, I’m all good.” It frustrates me how he addressed Yuri’s busy schedule as a loophole in our relationship.

“We’ve been communicating for so long Jessica, why can’t you still trust me with your sentiments, hindi naman ako magrereklamo kahit friendship lang kaya mo ioffer.” Exactly, kahit friendship pa yan o ano, hindi ko ‘yon maiooffer. After everything that happened, ayoko nang saktan lalo si Yuri.

“Because I can’t offer you that. As much as possible, I just want to cut all my connections with you, pero syempre hindi pwede, may anak tayo. Sana doon ka na lang magfocus, ganon din naman ako.” Napatayo ako nang bumukas yung pinto ng apartment ko, I was still holding my phone and Yuri was surprised to see me awake around this ungodly hour.

“I’ll hung up.” I said as I ended the call between us. She was just staring at me, with a tired expression, blanko pa rin ang mukha kahit nginitian niya pa ko bago siya pumasok ng kwarto. I stood up from the sofa, and followed her in our room, nakatayo lang ako sa may pintuan hanggang sa napansin niya ako sa sulok.
 

I don’t know why I feel like I need to explain the call Kris and I had earlier, when infact alam naman niya kailangan pa rin namin mag-usap. Somehow the guilt is still there, and her doubt must be pounding inside her heart.
 

“Bakit inintay mo pa ‘ko? Sabi ko matulog ka na diba? Were you still up because of that call?” Walang halong inis sa tono ng boses mo, pero hindi rin pag-alala yung nararamdaman ko sa sinabi niya. I’m being extra careful anytime I’ll mention him to her, alam na alam ko na hanggang ngayon galit pa rin siya ‘don sa tao.

“Uhm hindi, I just waited for you para sana makausap ka before we sleep and nasaktuhan lang na gising pa ko kaya napahaba yung usapan namin.” Not the usual Yuri who would tell me to sit next to her when we’re talking, kaya ako na lang ang kusang tumabi sa kanya habang siya naman ay nakatingin lang sa oras.

“Sino ba ‘yon? At hindi na lang pinagbukas yung pagtawag sayo?” Kahit pala nandito siya sa tabi ko, parang ang layo niya pa rin. I d