TIFFANY’s

I walked away, not knowing where to go. I left her hanging, without any explanation. Napagod na lang siguro ako. Napagod na lang ako ayusin lahat, ayusin kami. Kasi kahit anong laban gawin ko, hindi naman na siya lumalaban pabalik. And yes, I recieved all her texts and calls, trying to convince me na mag-usap ulit kami, but no. Wag na, ayoko na lang talaga, magkakasakitan na lang eh, hindi ‘yon a decision out of anger lang, alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ko na siya mahal, at ayoko na rin pilitin sarili ko mahalin siya ulit.

Wala na kasi, ubos na ko, pagod na ko, naaawa na lang ako sa sitwasyon. I just simply want to live away from her, naisip ko I can last a day without waiting for her to check up on me, I know I would miss it for sometime but move on afterwards. Matagal ko nang kinakaya mag-isa, matagal na rin kasing malayo ang loob ko sa kanya, should I blame myself for feeling my own emotions?

Masakit oo, given naman ‘yon, pero hindi na kasing sakit tulad noon, hindi na kasing hirap gaya noon, maybe letting go is the best decision after all. There is beauty waiting for us after this, there is happiness after our time, siguro phase lang talaga kami sa isa’t isa. I hope Taeyeon can understand that, I hope Taeyeon sees this the way I do. Gusto ko rin siya maging masaya mag-isa at kung may dadating mang bago, sana hindi na ulit siya masasaktan pa.

I was good, but I know there will be better. I loved her hard enough but I know someone will love her harder. And I would just be grateful if she’s able to find what’s meant for hers.

I’m in a public vehicle pero yung luha ko tumutulo pa rin, nakakahiya sa labas pa talaga ako nagbebreakdown. And the people around are still looking at me, mga tingin na parang gusto akong yakapin. Siguro pulang-pula at mugto narin yung mata ko kakaiyak mula kanina, I thought I wouldn’t cry this hard, hindi naman na masyado masakit eh, alam ko namang ginusto ko rin makipaghiwalay, ginusto ko rin tapusin lahat, ginusto ko...rin...iwan si...Taeyeon.

As soon as the bus stopped near my neighborhood bumaba na ako at naglakad lakad, parang hindi ko kaya umuwi, most of her things are at my house, her clothes, her materials...her paintings. And ayoko muna makakita ng kahit anong mag papaalala sakin na about sa kanya. I tried to call Yuri, it’s been a while since the last time we heard anything from her, and I hope she can spare me some time to eat dinner.

“Yul?” I called out, pero tahimik pa siya sa kabilang linya. And oh, this is the first time she answered a call from us, it’s a relief to see that she’s healing really well.

“Hmm? Mith you.” Awwee her tone made me smile, miss ko na rin si Yuri, despite of what happened today, good things really come to those who wait.

“We miss you tooo, it’s nice to hear your voice again Yul. Are you at home? Can I come over?” I know it’s still a sensitive topic to mention how is her family, but looking at Yuri getting back again, I want to cheer my bestfriend up.

“Oo, gabi na pupunta ka pa? Magsleep over ka ba? Para makapaglinis pa ko bago ka dumating.” I’ve decided to stay at their house for now, its a lot comfortable to have someone who’s healing just the way you have been.

“Yes yes, I’ll sleep tonight. Then might leave in the morning. Kumain ka na ba? Sabay tayo magdinner.” I mentioned, sana hindi pa siya kumakain para may kasabay pa ko pagdating ko sa bahay nila.

“Awit sayo Tiffany, parang dati lang sinasabi mo kay Taeyeon yan ah. Pero ano... hindi pa, are you going to bring food? Or do want home made meals?” Oo nga eh, parang dati pagkain lang pinagaawayan namin tapos okay na ulit, sana ganon na lang palagi.

“Ahh oo nga eh hehe, but cook for me, I want to taste your dish again. I missed it. Bale bring na lang ako Soju if you like something to drink.” As I mentioned that, naghanap na agad ako ng convenience store around my street, ayoko nang bumili along the way, ang hassle. I noticed Yuri chuckling behind the phone, ang lakas makaramdam ng tropa pag may problema.

“Alright, alam ko na kung bakit ka pupunta rito, sige bring as much then let’s talk about what happened, I’ll be waiting. Nga pala, text mo ko pag malapit ka na ha.” Hindi na ko sumagot at napayuko na lang sa sinabi ni Yuri. I really can’t escape her questions, kilalang kilala talaga niya ‘ko at kung kailan kami may problema ni Taeyeon.

Oh...hindi na nga pala problem ‘to, wala na nga pala kami. What am I even thinking?

I walked around to look for a nearby store around my street, good thing mayron ako nakita. Not that I want to be drunk or what, gusto ko lang magchill? Like you know, I just want to unwind from everything, from work, from her family, and Taeyeon. Ngayon ko nararamdaman yung bigat, ngayon ako kinakain ng lungkot, sana pala isang bagsak na sakit na lang, unlike this one... it’s slowly killing you from the inside.

I went inside the convenience store and who would have thought it would remind me of Taeyeon, I can still recall how she always bring me here para ‘magchill’ na dati after class tumatambay kami sa mga ganito pag malakas ang ulan, who would have thought, I’d still be here para ‘magchill’ na kahit wala na tayo, lahat ng mga bagay na dumaan sa’tin nakatatak na sakin.

Sana pwede rin kapag umalis na yung tao, pati yung nagpapaalala, umalis na rin. It’s not helping me to move on from the pain I caused myslef, and it’s not helping to get over from the thoughts that already stayed inside me. I blinked thrice until I get back to my senses, Tiffany nandito ka para bumili lang ng soju, no need to reminsce the good old memories you shared with Taeyeon. And the moment I got everything I need, umalis na rin ako agad, I don’t need another crying session in every public place I go.

Hindi na ko nagbook ng grab dahil hindi naman malayo yung area nila Yuri, pwede nang isang jeep lang then I can walk over their street, parang sila Taeyeon halos ganon lang din ang layo. Ugh Tiffany stop mentioning her... I just kept myself distracted so that I won’t be able to think of her whenever I have time to. Buti na lang malakas ang music sa loob ng jeep at malamig yung hangin sa labas, poproblemahin ko na lang paano ako maririnig ng driver pag baba na ‘ko.

“Yul, dito na ko, lalakad na lang ako papasok ng subdivision niyo.” I texted her as soon as I got off the vehicle, hindi pa naman masyado gabing-gabi, it’s still safe to walk around.

“San ka? Hintay ka na lang dyan, sunduin kita para sabay na tayo maglakad. Delikado rin dito eh baka di ka pa makarating samin ng buhay.” You really know Yuri is quite doing well when she’s joking around like this. Hayaan lang kita, atleast alam ko nagiging okay ka na.

“Napaka mo! Okay, I’ll just wait here. Bilisan mo ha, malamig dito.” I texted back, nalaala ko, Taeyeon had a habit of bringing a warm coat everytime she walks me home, alam niya kasing lamigin ako, alam niya rin madali ako magkasakit pag-—

Tiffany, stop. Stop thinking about her, hindi na