(flashback)

I just got home from work, and my back hurts so much, I looked at my phone and saw Taeyeon’s calls, she really doesn’t stop until I pick up huh? I didn’t bother calling her back and just looked at the texts she sent me the whole day. It’s just the same as before, wala namang bago, I’ll just reply after I wash up.

I’ve been thinking that I should just stop giving her money, Taeyeon didn’t really ask for it. It’s just I feel like that’s how I can make her family like me, at hindi niya alam I’ve been doing this for a year already. Kaso the longer I hold on, the longer I wait for things to work, lalo lang lumalala. I admit Taeyeon and I didn’t bother talking about it, I’m scared and I know she is too. Kaso nakakasawa na lang, parang kumakapit na lang siya sa haba ng panahon.

I’m asking myself again, mahal ko pa ba talaga? Bakit ko sinusukuan agad? Bakit hindi ko na pinaglalaban? Pwede naman akong magpahinga, kasi alam ko ganon din siya, she might be thinking the same thing but I’ve been doing otherwise.

Di ko rin alam bakit hindi ko inaayos yung problema, alam kong mahal ko pa naman, kaso baka bawas na, hindi na katumbas ng dati. Should I feel bad about it? Hindi ko naman siguro kasalanang nawawala na yung pagmamahal.

After I got out from the shower, I grabbed my phone and texted her, naalala ko hindi nga pala ‘ko nagmessage kaninang umaga, sanay na rin naman kaming ganito ka cold sa isa’t isa. What she told me are the same old things like “good morning” “kain ka na ha” “how’s your day?” “call me when you’re free.” “text me when you have time already.” Wala na bang bago? You’ve been sending the same words everyday.

Kahit naman hindi mo sabihing kumain ako, kakain naman talaga ako, it’s the little things na hindi mo naman na kailangan iremind, kasi kusa ko namang gagawin. And what’s the point of asking how’s my day when you already know its always been hectic. Alam mo yon? Gasgas na kasi, paulit ulit lang din, wala ka ba ibang sasabihin? Sinong gaganahan magreply sayo?

But I still brushed off the thought, I know you just want to check on me, pero minsan hindi naman kailangan, I hope you’d understand that. Still, kahit late na nagreply pa rin ako, just so you know I got home already. Alam ko kanina ka pa naghihintay na tumawag ako, or atleast magparamdam ako.

“Hey Taetae, I’m home already. I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to you the whole day, I’ll just see you when I’m free.” I laid on my bed and as usual, I got an immediate reply from you. Hindi ko pa nabibitawan yung phone ko nagvibrate na kaagad.

“Oh, you just replied now, buti gising pa ko, can I call?” I released a sigh, at ako na ang tumawag, the ringing was short and I finally heard your voice, you’ve been waiting for me to speak and so, I asked the usual words I always say to you.

“Why aren’t you sleeping? Late na ah, you shouldn’t wait for me.” There was a long silence, bago ka sumagot, I don’t know what you’re thinking right now pero you really sound so sad.

“Iniintay kasi kita, I’ll sleep early tomorrow don’t worry, nga pala, I have good news, my works had been selling really good these days!” Masaya na ngayon yung boses mo, but I couldn’t be as happy as you are, kasi binili ko yon eh. All your works are at my house I’m just waiting for my friends to take whatever they like.

“Really?? That’s good! I hope it will go well! Do you want us to celebrate? Vacant ako this weekend, let’s go somewhere fun?” I’m sorry Taeyeon, I’ve been pretending like this for too long. I’ll just sent the last allowance next month then I will stop this for good.

I tried to save you, but it isn’t working like how I wanted it to be, napapagod na lang din ako. Dati, lagi kitang nakikitang nahihirapan at nalulungkot everytime your works stays at your studio for months, kaya I did this to make you happy, I helped you silently through giving your family financial support, para makabawi rin ako sa mga oras na hindi kita nasasamahan, but I didn’t realize na magiging way pala 'to para magkasawaan tayo.

“Okay I’m excited! This weekend na ba yan? OMG, buti na vacant ka, you’ve been fully booked these days diba?” Huling beses ko na kasi magiging free that weekend, after non, I’ll spend the remaining weeks for another magazine shoot.

“Yeah, good thing na I’ll have a short break, I’m sorry that I couldn’t see you all the time ha. I’ve been really really busy, basta talaga pag okay na lahat, we’ll spend more time together.” Nakabawi na ‘ko nung humaba yung time ng vacant ko, and we’re back being a distant couple everytime magwowork na ulit ako.

“It’s okay I understand, sanay na rin hehe.” Oo nga pala, sanay na nga pala tayo sa ganito, ano bang bago? Wala nang nangyayari, and it seems like we wouldn’t do anything to make this better.

“Okay, I’ll hung up na, let’s sleep together.” I just said wanting to end the call sooner, kinakain na naman ako ng lungkot sa mga narinig ko.

“Okay, goodnight love.”

“Goodnight.”

For how long must we stay like this? Ikaw? Mahal mo pa rin ba ‘ko? I’m still trying to go back the first time I fell inlove, I’m trying to go back to the days when I feel so happy when you’re around, sana you’re doing the same thing. Kasi kahit papaano gusto ko pa rin umayos, kahit ang hirap nating dalhin, I am trying, dahil kahit papaano mahal pa naman kita.

I got up from my bed and I called Jessica, hindi pa 'yon tulog dahil alam kong ginugulo rin yun ng mga thoughts niya, I wonder how they still made their relationship work. Jessica basically cheated, and yet, Yuri forgave her; She went through a lot and here I am giving up over small issues.

I still don’t know how Yuri did that, I thought she would leave Jessica and Yifan alone but she fought until the end, well maybe that’s how they made it, may kumapit, may pinanghawakan at may pinaglaban. Anong excuse namin ni Taeyeon para hindi ayusin ang issues namin? O baka kasi wala nang kumakapit, wala na ring lumalaban.

“It’s 3AM Tiff, what’s with the sudden call?” Gising na gising pa rin yung diwa sa boses mo, I knew it, hindi ka rin pinapatulog ng mga what ifs sa utak mo. But you really need to lessen that kasi masama ang mastress ka.

“Just want to talk to you, I can’t sleep kasi...” I understand that lately your behavior kept changing, kasi ganon naman ata talaga pag buntis, gets ko rin na magagalit ka after ko ‘to sabihin.

“So? Kung di ka makatulog, dapat pati ako sumabay sayo? Make it quick sis what are you gonna tell me?” It would really take me hours to say this to you, really. I’ve been bothered every night by this thought.

“Gusto ko nang makipaghiwalay kay Taeyeon, kasi nahihirapan na ko, but then naalala ko kayo... how did the two of you managed to continue your broken relationship?” I don’t want to think of it pero