Chungha stared down at pale hands turned white as they sat clenched into fists in her lap. She heard the low murmur of voices as Sejeong spoke to Nayoung at the door. She wondered absent-mindedly what they must be talking about, but then she realized that was a stupid question; they were talking about her.

After Sejeong had found Chungha and Nayoung, the night quickly came to an end. Chaeyeon was the first to go when Sejeong ushered her out, insisting she head home since she had an early morning. If Chaeyeon was at all perturbed by Sejeong’s attitude, she said nothing and merely kissed her goodnight. However, Nayoung was not as easy to get rid of. That was partially Chungha’s fault for dragging her into this mess. Nonetheless, after nearly twenty minutes of arguing, Sejeong managed to coral Nayoung toward the front door.

“Did you ever stop to think why you’re so upset that Chungha kissed me?” Chungha heard Nayoung hissed. This was followed by a short laugh, a harsh and unforgiving sound. “Maybe it’s time you actually ask yourself how you feel about Chungha.”

The door slammed shortly after this, and Chungha forced herself not to tense up as she watched Sejeong walk toward her. She didn’t dare look up when Sejeong sat down next to her on the couch.

“Chungha…” Sejeong sounded lost and confused, and any other time Chungha would’ve taken her into her arms, but now? How could she? “Chungha,” Sejeong tried again, “why did you kiss Nayoung?”

“I wanted to,” Chungha replied. It wasn’t really a lie. She did want to, but her motives were much different than the usual behind kissing someone.

Chungha could practically see Sejeong’s eyebrows knit together as Sejeong asked, “So you’re interested in Nayoung?”

“No.”

“Then why did you want to?” Sejeong asked, exasperated. When Chungha said nothing, she sighed and added angrily, “God, will you please look at me while I’m trying to have a conversation with you?”

Chungha looked up slowly, and she wanted to look away immediately. The way Chungha always saw Sejeong was heartbreakingly beautiful. She was warm smiles and crescent-shaped eyes and belly laughs and dorky dad jokes. She was hugs after a long day and drinks at the bar across from the hospital. She was burying themselves in blankets to marathon movies and eating ice cream in the middle of a cold winter. Every piece of her made Chungha fall in love, but she wasn’t Chungha’s to love.

“Why are you crying?” Sejeong asked softly, reaching up to wipe away tears that Chungha hadn’t even known had fallen. “Chungha, what have I done?”

How could Chungha possibly answer that? All Sejeong had done was be herself. It was Chungha’s fault for falling in love with someone who never saw her as more than a friend. However, Chungha knew she couldn’t keep Sejeong in the dark forever. Not with her trying to have a relationship with Chaeyeon.

With shaking hands, Chungha placed them over Sejeong’s and removed them from her face. She held their hands in her lap and tried to keep her tears at bay. her lips, Chungha took a deep breath before whispering, “Sejeong, I love you. I’m in love you. I have been for years, but you never looked at me once like you could love me back. I thought having you in my life as a friend would be better than not having you in my life at all, but seeing you with Chaeyeon, it hurts. It hurts so bad.”

“Why didn’t you ever say something?”

Chungha looked up, letting her tears fall. She tried not to feel angry, but she felt indignation rush through her nonetheless. She pulled her hands away from Sejeong’s and spat, “How could I? All you ever said was how great it was for me to be your friend. That’s all you ever said. That’s all you ever called me, a friend. Was I just supposed to risk us because of my feelings?”

“I care about your feelings!” Sejeong protested vehemently. “Chungha, you know how hard it is for me to let people in. Did you ever stop to think about how hard it must be for me? How could I ever dare let myself think of you as a lover when lovers break up so easily? You’re one of the only people I trust, that I hold close to my heart. What was I supposed to do if we dated and broke up? I’d lose you… I couldn’t risk losing you.”

“So, you thought you’d let us both just suffer in silence,” Chungha said in disbelief. “I can’t believe you.”

“I was just trying to protect you!”

“I don’t need protecting!”

“My father left my mother,” Sejeong said in a carefully measured voice. “He fell out of love with her and left. I was scared the same would happen to us. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“I was going to leave you anyways,” Chungha argued. “I almost did until Chaeyeon begged me to come back because you were unhappy.” She shook her head angrily. “What about Chaeyeon? You said you couldn’t risk me, but you were willing to string along Chaeyeon? She told me that you haven’t opened up to her.”

“It’s not like that,” Sejeong hissed. “I care about Chaeyeon, and that’s why I couldn't let her in. She’d run for the hills if she knew just how much of a mess I really am. If I kept distance, I thought maybe it would work, that I’d stop running and give myself enough time to heal.”

“You didn’t think you could heal with me?” Chungha asked. “I’ve been here the whole time, Sejeong. I never once ran.”

“How could you ever want to be with someone as screwed up as me?” Sejeong shook her head. “How could anyone?”

Chungha stood up and said, “I do. I always have.” She grabbed her bag and walked to the door. Sejeong didn’t stop her. “Give me a call when you really know what you want.” Chungha left without another word, but as she got to the elevator she buried her face in her hands and cried.

Back in the apartment, Sejeong laid down on the couch and closed her eyes. She knew what she had to do, but for now, she would just let herself pretend everything was okay.

A/N: I had this written, but I forgot to post. Sorry!