"Seul, aren't you coming? I thought you're sleepy?", Wendy asked me.

"Not yet. I'm gonna watch some dramas first. I think I'm missing my boyfriends", I said while grinning. I think I'm pretty good at pretending now. At least that's what I think.

"Pffft. You and your illusions. Okay, I'm going to bed first. Goodnight and Seul?"

"Yes?"

"Stop waiting for her. Save your heart Seul", Wendy said while patting my head.

"I'm not waiting for her, wannie. I'm catching up with my boyfriends", Lies. Everything is a lie. Watching dramas is just an alibi. I wanted to wait for her. She's been going out quite often ever since she started dating Bogum. I rarely even see her.

"If that's what you say so. Goodnight, Seulbear", I just nodded and shifted my attention back to the T.V.


I was so engrossed in my Drama marathon that I lost track of time. I checked the time and it was past midnight. I guess I won't be able to see her face tonight. Just then I heard the door clicked followed by light footsteps.

"Seulgi? Why are you still awake?", said by the person I missed so much. Her face still glows despite the lack of lightning in the living room.

"I was too engrossed in this drama that I lost track of time unnie. How bout you unnie? Why did you arrive home this late?"

She removed her coat and sat beside me comfortably.

"I had a date with Bogum. We had our dinner at the Seafood restaurant and he brought me to the outskirts of Seoul and we just spent our time there. We were busy talking about ramdom stuffs that we lost track of time. You should go there someday Seulgi-ah. The place is breathtaking, it's a suitable place for dates", she said with so much excitement. Her eyes is full of life, full of joy. She's beaming from ear to ear. She looks so happy. She looks ecstatic.

"Hmm. It's seems like you really had fun there, Irene-unnie", I said while trying to sound happy. She just nodded with so much enthusiasm. She's really happy. I guess I can be at ease now. Bogum's taking good care of her. He's making her happy. He's her girlfriend after all.

"I'm going to bed first unnie. Goodnight", she just nodded and I proceeded in our shared bedroom.

I settled under the blanket but I was not able to sleep immediately. My mind is wandering again. Our memories keep on flashing in my mind once again. I pushed all the thought aside and surrendered myself to sleep.

After that night, I stopped waiting for her to come home.  That night was actually the 3rd night that I waited for her and asked her about her date. I needed it, I needed a confirmation, a reassurance that she is indeed happy. Only then can I start to let her go. I'm not a masochist, I know that someday I need to let her go. But knowing and doing are two different things. I know that I should let her go, that it's pointless to keep this feelings, that I should move on. But my heart is just too stubborn. It just keeps on going back to her, long for her and that's the reason why I'm suffering.

End of promotion does not necessarily mean that we do not have any schedules. We still go to events and such to perform or just be there. It would always be a burden for me but instead of feeling mad, I'm still happy that I get to see her at least. She's always busy juggling her role as a redvelvet leader and as Bogum's girlfriend. She spends a lot of her time with him. She hardly spend her time with us, with me. I started keeping my distance knowing that it's for the best. I started calling her Irene-unnie instead of Joohyun-unnie. I think it's not right to call her that anymore. I stopped clinging into her and she did too. We became very distant.

I started spending my time with Wendy, with my friends and I even learned to spend my time alone.

But despite everything, I would still end up crying at night. I would still end up wounded. I would still end up mending my broken heart that is impossible to be whole again. I was miserable. It was the worst feeling ever. I'm struggling everyday. 
 

Then one day, i felt like everything's finally taking a toll on me. I decided to talk to my manager. I convinced her to allow me to take a break. Of course she was against it. But I expected that and I came prepared when I talked to her. When I said that I think I'm having a slump in my career, that singing stresses me out, dancing stresses me out and even facing the crowd stresses me out. I managed to come up with a perfect reason. She relayed my situation with the management and the management agreed too afraid that I might quit if they won't allow me.

When I told Wendy that I'm taking a break, she was beyond pissed. Her reaction was really funny. But when I told her the real reason, her face softened and she enveloped me in a warm hug insted. She was reluctant to let me go but she understand my reason, she always did.

What I was not prepared was when Irene-unnie came to me fuming in anger. Her once angelic face was contorted, her brows meeting.

"Why didn't you tell me Seulgi?" she said with anger lacing in her tone.

"Tell you what unnie?", I answered. Playing dumb might not be wise but it's my defense mechanism, I guess.

"Don't play dumb on me, Seulgi. Why would you go on break? And dont you dare give me the crappy reason you gave to manager unnie", she said while glaring at me. I still find her cute though. With her eyes dilated, her knitted brows, her parted lips, everything's perfect, she's perfect.

"I just need to take a break, Irene-unnie", she winced.

"I'm just to stressed on everything. I think I'm experiencing a slump on my career" her face softens.

"Seulgi-ah. What's wrong? I know you're lying. You were perfect in every performance. There's no way that you fell into a slump when you always ooze with confidence in your performance." she said with voice full of worries.

"You're acting weird lately. You rarely talk to me. You rarely look at me. You keep your distance from me and you started calling me Irene-unnie instead of Joohyun-unnie. Did I do something wrong?", she said while staring at me almost pleadingly.

So she noticed it and yet she didn't bother doing anything about it. It's like she completely forgotten me.

"You did not do anything wrong unnie. I just..I just..I needed a break unnie", she looked at me with so much intensity and I hung my head low too afraid that she might actually see right through me.

"Was it because I spend more time with Bogum?", I flinched at the mere mention of his name. I can feel my eyes sting.

"I'm really sorry Seulgi-ah. I'll make it up to you just dont..don't go.", she said as she held my arm. I winced not because of her grip, but  because the contact made me feel everything again, the pain, the sorrow, everything. Tears run down from my face and I was not able to stop the sob from escaping.

She lifted my face and stare right through me. I can see the confusion and worry in her face.

"Seulgi-ah what.."

"Unnie" I interrupted her.

"Just let me go please", I said with a cracked voice.

"Just..just tell me the real reason Seulgi-ah. I..I"

I chuckled bitterly.

"You always told me that I'm the dumb one, but I think you are" confusion. Confusion written all over her face.

"I might have broke one of your rule unnie" More confusion. She's clearly confused

"Honesty." I said.

"I'm in love with you unnie" I watched how her expression turned from shock to confused with a little bit of sympathy I think. It's a good sign I guess. I'm letting all this out. This might help me move on.

"I'm in love with you Joohyun-unnie. Ever since we were trainees. It was not my intention to fool you. I just.. I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable. I thought I could just live by the fact that we're just bestfriends. I thought I could. But when Bogum came, I saw how happy you are. I am trying to be happy for you but it's just..it just tears me apart. My heart is breaking apart, unnie." I said while sighing exasperatedly.

Her face was filled with so much worry, so much sympathy. Tears started welling up in her eyes. started to quiver.

"Seulgi, I.."

" I know unnie", I cut her off.

"I know you didn't have a clue. You didn't know. That was the whole point though. I didn't want you to know, unnie. I didn't want you to worry. I wanted you to be happy without worrying about me. I always wanted you to be happy Joohyun-unnie even if it's not with me", I stared at her for a moment. I saw her broke down into tears. I reached out for her and hugged her. Her tears starting to drench my shoulder.

"I need this unnie. I need to sort out my feelings. I need to piece my heart back together. Only then can I truly be happy for you. Only then can I be the bestfriend you used to have. Would you trust me unnie? Trust me that I'll be back and I will never leave you again. And when I'm back everything would be just like how they used to be". She tightens her hold on me. She's sobbing uncontrollably. And it's even more painful that I'm the reason of her tears. I broke the hug and looked at her intently. I will definitely miss this face that I learned to love. But it's for the best, I had to do this. I wiped away her tears and allowed my hand to linger in her tear-stained face. When I saw her finally staring at me, I smiled my most genuine smile.

"I want you to be happy unnie. Can you do that for me?", she nodded. I gathered up every ounce of courage I have and planted a soft kiss on her forehead. She didn't pull away and I was happy for that. Maybe confessing was not that bad. At least a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulder. Maybe this time, maybe I can finally let her go this time.

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Author's note:

This is probably the longest chapter I ever wrote. Yay! Cheers to that. So how is it so far?