These days my mind is like a haywire. I think a lot about her all the time. Even if she's close or not. I would always find myself looking for her. Time seems fast when I'm with her and slow when I'm not with her. I started to think that I'm going crazy.

My senses becomes sensitive whenever she's close. The way her hand brush against mine, the way she gently hold me, the way her lips curved upward, the way she smells, she's filling me up, satisfying my senses. I would always find comfort in her presence.

What was the point of hiding? What's the point of denying. It will never fade anyway. Thus, it only gets stronger each day. It would always be the same. My feelings for her would still be the same. I will always love her. It will always be her.

Feeling determined, I planned my confession for her. We were lying in my bed about to sleep, my head against her chest, her arms wrapped around me. I listened to her heartbeat to have enough courage. After contemplating, I decided to come clean and just confess.

"Seulgi-ah", I said as I look up at her innocent face.

"Hmmm", she said while looking at me innocently.

"Seulgi-ah. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for loving me. I know I can't thank you enough for the things you have done to me.", I said.

"It was my pleasure unnie. Seeing you happy makes me happy", she said while smiling warmly.

I searched for her hand then I held it while looking her in the eye.

"I love you", I whispered softly.

"I know. Let's just sleep unnie. It's late", she said as she withdraw her hand but I only held it tightly.

"Seulgi-ah. I love you, like romantically love you", I said. She just chuckled then completely withdraw her hands away from me.

"You're just confused unnie. Don't force yourself. I get it. You we're guilty. You blamed yourself for hurting me. But I already told you a million times. It was okay, that I am okay. For as long as you are happy. Let's just.. let's just forget this ever happened unnie. And maybe you should forget about my confession too. Let's just sleep separately to clear our heads. Goodnight, unnie", That was the last words she said before she walked out of my door.

It was painful. It was the kind of pain you would never imagine. It was like my heart was being ripped away from my chest. It was like my heart was being shattered into tiny little bits that it would be impossible to piece it back together. How pathetic. How foolish. How stupid can I ever be. It was obvious, she moved on. She no longer love me the way I wanted her to. It was too late.

My eyes started to blur as the tears start to crowd my vision. I was crying while suppressing the sob from escaping. It was just to painful to bear. So this is how it feels like to be rejected. This must be how she felt. I chuckled bitterly. Maybe this is what they call karma.

The next day, she act as if nothing really happened. She was too casual. She was smiling as if she didn't break my heart. It was as if she was mocking me.

Our contact started to lessen. We talked less, she never initiate a hug and she stopped holding my hand. It was like being slapped squarely on the face. It was like waking up from a sweet dream only to realize that the reality is a nightmare. This is reality. This is my reality. She moved on. I was no longer her priority. I am just her bestfriend.

I always find myself staring at her. Her eyes, her smile, they are no longer directed to me. She was so close and yet so far. And all I can see is her back, her retreating back. It all sinked in. I'm losing her. I am losing her. 

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Author's note:

I might be able to finish this story sooner than expected. Thank you for all your compliments. Enjoy 😉