It was not hard during our promotions, we were so busy that my mind does not wander too much. But when the promotion period ended, days feels like months and months feel like years. Everyday is a struggle for me. I managed to put some distance between us without raising any suspicion from her, I guess. I drowned myself in practice, I almost live in the practice room. I focused myself in my hobby, drawing and painting. I attended some seminars and lectures from the neighborhood school. I meet up with my friends almost everyday just to keep myself busy. It keeps my mind away from her, thoughts of her.

But life must be playing with me. I was spending my day off one day at the dorm when she suddenly walked in on me. She asked me if we can hang out like we used to, said she missed me. I agreed right away even though I was skeptical about her sudden invitation. Who am I to deny her when she's smiling at me with so much sincerity.

We strolled at the Han river like we used to when we were still trainees. We were reminiscing the times we spent together. How we cried, smiled and laughed. How we had each other's back. We were so happy that it scares me. I pushed the negative thoughts aside and decided to enjoy her company.

It was past 5pm, we we're sitting side by side, she was holding my hand and leaning her head in my shoulder, when my fear became reality.

"Seulgi-ah, I have something to tell you", I nodded urging her to continue with fear creeping up in my heart.

"Remember when I told you I might like Bogum? He confessed to me yesterday Seulgi-ah. He said he likes me." She burried her face at my side and I can feel that she's smiling.

"I'm happy for you unnie" I said after masking my feelings. Lies. I had to lie. It broke my heart into pieces but I cannot do anything about it. Who am I to rob her of her own happiness. I am just her friend, her best friend, we can never be more than that.

"Yah, what's with the lifeless response", she said while facing me. She was pouting and I have the strong urge to kiss her but decided against it.

"I'm really happy for you unnie", I said while faking a smile.

"I'm just worried for you. What would happen if the management finds out. You know the contract we signed. What if the media finds out. You know how the netizens act unnie. I'm just..i'm just worried for you" I said while letting out a sigh. This is still true. I'm worried for her. No matter how much it pains me that she belongs to somebody now, I still care for her. I don't want her to get hurt from harsh comments of the netizens. She will always be my priority. That's how much I love her, her feelings first over mine.

"Don't worry Seulgi-ah. I haven't agreed to date him yet. I told him I need time to think it through first. I wanted to inform you first Seulgi-ah. You're my bestfriend after all. I don't want to keep anything from you" she said while smiling so sweetly.

As if that smile doesnt hurt me. And the word 'bestfriend' just added salt to my wound. As if my heart isn't breaking apart, i tried to pretend that I'm happy for her. Hold it in Seulgi. You can't break in tears in front of her. You're stronger than this.

I faked a smile once again, patting her shoulder reassuring her that it's fine when in fact I'm the one that needs it, the reassurance that everything will be fine, that I will fine.

She hugged me while muttering an endless 'thank you' and I think that's all that matter. She's happy and I should be happy for her.

We managed to return to the dorm without me breaking down into tears. Everything was back to usual except for my heart that's been torn into pieces.

"Seulgi-ah, are you not going to bed yet?", Joohyun unnie inquired.

"Not yet unnie. I had to go somewhere", I replied.

"At this time?", she asked and I nodded while smiling genuinely.

She engulfed me in a hug and despite the unexpected gesture, I managed to hug her back while patting her back.

"Thank you for today, Seulgi-ah. Take care on your way out",

"I will unnie. Goodnight", I said while breaking our hug.

I hadn't planned on going anywhere actually, I just needed time to think. I needed time to mend my broken heart and to let out my pent up emotions, the hurt and the sorrow.

I ended up in a karaoke room, I decided to sing all this sorrows away. Singing has always been a healing for me. It's my way of expressing emotion. I sang while letting out my frustrations away. I didn't even notice that tears are welling up in my eyes. With blurred vision and voice hoarse, I sang every note as if it will take all this pain away.

I cried so hard as if everything had sink in just now. She's in love with him and their feelings are mutual. Of course he would fall for her, who wouldn't. She's smart, loving, caring, beautiful, charming and kind. She's everything that anyone can ask for. She's everything I ask for and yet she's everything I will never have. I am just her friend, just a bestfriend. I chuckled alone. I think I'm losing my mind. Scratch that, I think I'm losing my heart. I cried bitterly, burrying my face in my hands. I probably looked like a right now but I hardly care for that.

I closed my eyes pouring out my tears, sobbing silently. I can still remember how she smiled happily when she broke the news about Bogum's confession to me. It was the first time I saw her smile like that, her eyes full of joy. How can I possibly hate Bogum if he's making Joohyun this happy. It stings. It . It's pathetic. I wanted to escape, to runaway, to hide. My tears won't stop falling. I can still remember the way she hugged me and thanked me for supporting and understanding her. How will I ever save myself when I don't want to saved, when the only person who can save me is her.

---

Author's note:

I am so sorry this chapter is really heartbreaking. I might have actually cried when I reread this. I did not know that I am capable of making something as heavy as this. Comment me your feedbacks. Thanks 😉