My nights were filled with thoughts of her. I started to take notice of her actions. The sincerity, care and love she's been showing.

If I would trace the day I first felt it, I would say that it was during our trainee days. Perhaps the day she first approached me, or the day we first went to the Han River, or the first night she spend in my dorm, or the first day I held her hand, or the first day she brought me to her house. I wasn't exactly sure when but I knew it was long time go.

I knew it all along. I was probably the first one to feel it. The butterflies in my stomach every time she smiles at me, the rapid beating of my heart whenever she touches or hugs me, the pain in my heart everytime I saw her with someone else.

I was at the peak of my teenage year. I was in a phase where I was finding my identity. Though I felt it, I still tried to suppress it. I tried to deny it. I was just a teenager and I was scared about how people would react. How she would react.

But every single time I pushed the feeling aside, she would always be there flashing me her smile, taking care of me, holding me, hugging me. And I would always find myself loving her even more.

When we debuted, it was even more difficult for me. I had to share her with 2 other girls. I had to suppress the jealousy. I failed though. I would always find myself jealous over Wendy. Who wouldn't? She's pretty, she's smart, she sings well, they were close and the fact that they are the same age. I started to be mindful of my actions, the world is a scary place. I was scared I might drag her into a mess if I would keep my feelings for her.

When I told her that I like Bogum, I meant it as a crush. I was attracted with him but I was never in love with him. When Bogum confessed to me, I thought it was the perfect timing. It was the perfect time to confirm her feelings for me and perfect diversion in case she does not really feel anything more than a sisterly bond. I was disappointed when she did not even stop me and encouraged me instead. I was hurt. I was beyond hurt. It was game over. I need to move on with my life.

I started spending more time with Bogum. I needed to stay away from her. I needed to divert my attention from her. I needed to forget every single feelings I have for her. I needed to move on. It was probably for the best. For her and for me.

When I first heard that she would go on a break, I started to panic. I was scared. I was too scared to lose her.

It was the confession that I've been longing to hear, I should be happy but I'm not. I was so stupid. It was too late. I was regretting every single decision I made. I regret being a coward. If only I had the courage to tell her what I felt, we wouldn't be in this kind of situation. Had I been brave enough to confess, we wouldn't be holding each other's shattered heart. It was too late of course. Somebody owns me. I belong to someone else now. The only thing I can do is apologize. It was painful to see her crying. It was painful to see her comforting me when I couldn't even comfort her. It was painful to see her retreating back knowing that I might not be able to see it again, to see her again. I was so scared. I was scared to be away from her and scared to know that she might really move on and forget about me.

When she came back acting like nothing happened, as if she did not confess to me, as if I did not hurt her, I thought that she probably moved on. It was so unfair. Fate must've really hate me.

Eventually, I broke it off with Bogum. He knew. He knew all along. Was I a fool? Was he a fool? Was she a fool? Everyone must have been a fool for love.

I was free. I was available. But she wouldn't even spare a glance at me. Perhaps, she really moved on. The attention she used to give me alone, she now gives it to other people.

It kills me to know that she might have fallen out of love for me. I know I had no rights towards her. I do not own her. But damn, seeing her with somebody else is just too much. I am selfish, self centered, but nobody can blame me. I was in love. I was just in love. And I am still in love with her.
 

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Author's note:

Triple update for today since I was in a good mood. Have you guys seen the latest high cut of seulrene. Oh my god. My poor heart. I was not prepared for that. It was just too much to handle.*laughs* Anyway,enjoy 😉