I didn’t think Sehun would take my words to heart. I didn’t think he’d really listen to what I said. He was a stubborn brat who always refused to listen, but for some reason I felt like my words did something weird to him.

“Ya,” Chanyeol had those goofball eyes again as his gaze flitted back and fort at us and Sehun and Joohyun. “Notice how often they’d been hanging out together these days?”

It was exam week. A week to summer vacation and we were all in the library to study. Everyone was in the secret conference beside the SeHyun couple, talking about the development they had in the past days. I looked up again and watched the two interact with smiles on their faces.

“Tell us, Joo-ah,” Jongin was starting to add oil to the fire again, being the playful boy he was. “did Sehun eat something weird that he’s finally making a move on Joohyun?”

I looked at all their faces nonchalantly and shrugged before going back to what I was reading. They all sighed, saying how I was such a kill joy. I didn’t think, though, I needed to say anything. Sehun might have been struck by my words but he was the one trying his best to woo Joohyun. I could only stay on the side and watch, because I didn’t think it was right to interfere more than what I did. Giving him advice was enough.

These boys, however, were as stubborn as a wart. Everywhere the two went they followed and dragged me behind them. Jongin was especially taking a hold of my wrist and was excitedly pulling me everywhere. I didn’t think it would be like this if I stayed quietly and looked uninterested that I only spoke up about my irritation at the last minute.

“Why are we even spying on them?!” I complained as we hid by the wall, trying not to be seen by the two victims of their idiocy.

Baekhyun gestured for me to stay quiet, but I shook my head in disapproval. They’d been too nosy and annoying for the past few days. So what if Sehun was finally making a move on Joohyun? Why make a fuss?

“What’s the big deal if Sehun’s finally making his move?”

At the sound of my voice they all looked back at me as if saying was I stupid not to know something that I should have known in the first place. Were they expecting me to know something because Sehun and I live in the same house?

“Didn’t you know?” Jongin said as he looked back at me. I looked at him in wonder of what was he talking about and then he continued, “Sehun’s head over heels for Joohyun since second grade. You have no idea how much we tried to help him to confess to her for seven years and now look at him,” I could see the ghost of a smile on Jongin’s lips as he watched Sehun with Joohyun at the distance.

Sehun seemed so shy around Joohyun, but you could easily tell the abundant affection he had for the girl.

“He was in a slump for a year. We really thought that because of what happened to his mom, he was never going to get up again and would chicken out. But since you came here, he seemed different. What did you even do to him? How were you able to change him back? Because, honestly, this was almost like the old Sehun we know,” Joonmyeon told me.

“Or was it Joohyun?” Chanyeol blurted out, theorizing. “Doesn’t Joohyun always make him smile no matter what? Yeah. It must be that. Maybe, her, being right there for him was really helpful too.”

“Sehun used to smile a lot like that even just by hearing Chanyeol’s petty jokes,” Baekhyun mused thoughtlessly, earning him a smack on his head from Chanyeol.

“What did you say?! What petty jokes?!” Chanyeol whisper scowled at Baekhyun who was now hiding behind Joonmyeon.

“I was just kidding, Yeol.” Baekhyun grinned sheepishly.

I had them tuned out in the background and looked back at Sehun’s smiling face. Indeed, he only smiled like that when he was with Joohyun. Maybe she really helped him a lot. Maybe she served as Sehun’s inspiration during his dark days. That he could smile like this and be like the old him more.

What was Sehun even like before? If we met before his and my parents’ divorce even happened, would he treat me differently? Would I even meet him?

I already had a hunch of how Sehun’s life was, but it was little knowledge I knew compared to what I learned from the boys that day. Just when I thought I already knew him better, it seemed like I was far from it. We were still strangers from each other.

For some reason realizing that made me feel a bit empty.

Was I being affected by him again?

The thought lingered on me for days. It was following me like a ghost. And the more I watch Sehun and Joohyun get closer the more I felt like the wall between him and I was getting taller. What was that stupid feeling growing in my chest?

I sometimes would accidentally walk past the slightly ajar door to his room and hear his voice talking to Joohyun over the phone and I would feel this slight twist in my rib cage. What was it?

“Should we study tomorrow too? Ah, I’m so tired.”

“Ani.” He would laugh. “Should I ask her to come? Think she’d help us for the test?”

“Hm. I could probably get her to get out. She needs some fresh air anyway. That kid is always just in her room.”

I furrowed my eyebrows at the point of their conversation. Was he talking about me? I sighed. Why was I even concerned? I didn’t think it was right to eavesdrop on their conversation that I decided to go down and find something else to do.

But on my way to the kitchen, I could already hear mom’s tinkling laughter. It surprised me, though, because I never heard her laugh like that in the past months. What or who was making my mother laugh like there was no tomorrow?

Out of curiosity, I took a peak in the kitchen and found out the answer to my question. Mr. Oh was in an apron and was holding a ladle in his hand. Mom, on the other hand, was laughing at his face. It seemed that tomato sauce accidentally splattered onto his cheek and she was pointing out how clumsy he was and what kind of failure of a cook he was. I was in awe with how comfortable mom was with him. She was not like that with dad. She smiled at him often; the way she did there were always spark in her eyes. But this woman in front of me had nothing but glow of happiness in hers. Who truly was this person?

“Joo, honey, anything you need?” I blinked back, snapping out from my thoughts when I realized mom just spoke.

I shook my head and pointed at the fridge. “Just a glass of water,” I told her, grabbing a glass and then filling it with water from the pitcher.

“Oh,”

When I finished gulping down the water, I forced out a smile and pointed towards the front door. “I’m just going out to buy snacks,” I said slowly and hesitantly she nodded at me.

I walked out of the house hurriedly, hoping that my heart was not going to burst out anytime soon until I was a good distance away. I ran around the neighborhood out of desperation to be alone, to get away from that house, to bring back my peace, to get myself back together. I wanted to be okay again. Because, I didn’t know, but for some reason I felt like I was a time ticking bomb about to explode.

And on the top of my head, as I was running with the wind, I was asking myself why was I not happy? Why was I alone? There was Sehun who had his parents divorced. But despite what happened, he still had friends, he had Joohyun to cheer him up. And then there was mom who lost a husband. But why was it like I felt like she was also moving on? She had Mr. Oh to make her laugh. She had someone to lean on. Mom wasn’t always alone. She had me at times, too.

But now that I thought of it, whom did I have?

“You’re fine being alone,” I told myself, a bitter laugh coming out of my lips as I sat myself on an empty swing in the playground out in the neighborhood. “You’re happy even if you’re alone, isn’t that right?”

Silence answered.

I started to play with the swing, throwing myself in motion. There was just this sudden sensation that came to me every time I felt the wind kiss my face and I couldn’t help but close my eyes. It was hurting my heart in small waves. Pounding at my ear like thunderous boom of drums.

I could not understand why I was hurt. I didn’t know why tears started to pour down from my eyes. Until I just found out it had become a downpo