A week before graduation, the hallways got filled with students who were practically singing love confessions to their crushes and boyfriends. Chocolates were being passed on like it was a delicacy on such a fine day. Courtship was being done in the hall, inside the classroom, in the middle of the field and yet everyone got away with it just because it was Valentine’s Day.

Tiredly watching them, my eyes scanned the room for something even more interesting besides the lovebirds around me who were hurting my eyes and ears.

Why was there even such a day that was created? Please remind me again.

There was a ton of things I wanted to say to the god and goddess of love for making my life miserable for one more day just like this. I had no personal grudge about the 7 billion other people on earth celebrating Valentine’s Day, but the occasion itself was a headache.

One, for the reason that Joohyun even invited me to go shopping for some chocolates for the boys yesterday. I had to endure being with her for a good four hours in the shopping district just to get Sehun the perfect Valentine’s gift. And when she did, she even thanked me with that pretty smile of hers while holding both my hands in utter gratefulness.

I was not trying to play cupid at them but I ended up doing so unintentionally.

Two, I bought chocolates just like Joohyun did, but because I didn’t feel like it was just enough to buy them, I melted the chocolates, moulded them down to cute little shapes and cooled in the freezer while trying to dodge the questions being thrown at me by my mother (whether I was making one for my boyfriend), by Mr. Oh ( who jokingly told me to put lots of love in it so my boyfriend and I would have a lasting relationship), and finally by Sehun who went back and forth from his room to the kitchen just to ask me to make sure I give him one today too.

I told him I was not going to give him any—at all—but I depressingly looked down on the side of my desk, saw the paper bag containing my love-filled chocolates, and sighed as I remembered ending up making Sehun something.

I just couldn’t help but want to give him something too.

Just because.

My bubble of thoughts had burst as soon as I noticed the direction of conversation inside the room change. Suddenly they were focused at the popular couple entering the room. Sehun and Joohyun. As soon as I turned my gaze at them, I could not help but notice the smile on Sehun’s face and the sparkle in Joohyun’s eyes as she looked back at her very please boyfriend. Not to mention, their intertwined hands and Sehun’s right hand holding a pink paper bag that probably contained Joohyun’s love-filled chocolates.

Jongin and Baekhyun walked in tow, in a hushed conversation while eyeing the couple in front of them playfully. Their lips were curled up like that of a Cheshire cat’s you’d think they were thinking of something foolish to do involving the lovebirds.

I could not help but be torn. A part of me was trying to focus on thinking what Jongin and Baekhyun had in mind, if they were planning to make fun of the two. But another part of me—a very miniscule part of my brain that was in denial at its best—was wandering at the thought of the couple, a tiny pinch striking at the pumping muscle at the left of my chest every time my gaze flickered down at their joined hands.

I had held his larger hands too, before. It was not a matter to envy, but I could not help but avert my eyes away from it, wanting to un-see it.

Looking down at the paper bag beside the foot of my desk again, I could not help but sigh restlessly. Sehun’s chocolate sat at the bottom of the paper bag, but slowly I bent down and fished it out.

Before anyone could notice I pulled out the handmade chocolates and threw it inside my backpack along with my books.

When the quartet reached the desks at the back of the room near my spot I placed the bag on my desk and forced out a smile as soon as I noticed Sehun struggling to snatch back his chocolates from the two beagles who were fumbling for what surprise Joohyun prepared inside the paper bag. Joohyun looked very troubled at the side, not knowing what to do—whether to ask them to give it back to her poor boyfriend or stay put. Until, Baekhyun got a hold of the heart shaped tin can where Joohyun placed her chocolates and grinned widely at Sehun while Jongin held the beast—I mean, Sehun—at bay.

“We just want to try the chocolates Joohyun made for you!” Baekhyun mused, lifting the cover of the canister.

Sehun’s eyes widened every time Baekhyun lifted the cover the slightest and he gestured for him to stop, This became a giggling spectacle to the girls. Seeing the boys fool around whether in the classroom or in the hall or in the yard were already unforgettable moments to their fans, though it had been nothing but a normal occurrence to a friend like me. This happened in a day to day basis that I was not surprised or moved, at all.

“But that’s mine! Why not get yourself a girlfriend so that you’ll have chocolates for Valentine’s Day too?!” Sehun looked livid like a five year old deprived of his toys. His eyebrows furrowed furiously at Baekhyun who was holding his precious chocolates hostage.

Jongin laughed, unperturbed by Sehun’s anger, and said, “can’t brothers share what their girlfriend gave them?”

Being Sehun, he scrunched up his nose and cocked his head to the side, a blush coming to his cheeks in frustration and embarrassment. “But Joohyun especially made them for me…” he mumbled, trying his best not to be heard.

I didn’t miss the fact that Joohyun didn’t tell Sehun those were only chocolates we bought in the market, but that was not important. Seeing Sehun like this was something new to me. I knew he was possessive, but this was the first time I saw him acting like this not because of me. That it dawned upon me how pathetic I was for thinking Sehun would only act like this around me.

Had I gotten too used to it and thought it could only happen to me that I felt I was somewhat special to him?

The idea of it made the tiny pinch on my heart feel like a painful zap.

I forced a wider smile on my face, trying to mask the turmoil going on inside me as they neared. I reached down for the paper bag below my desk and raised it so they boys would notice me. Eventually, Jongin cocked his head in my direction when I called his name and automatically his lips twitched up to a very excited smile.

“Baek who says we need a girlfriend when we have Mijoo?”

Jongin let Sehun go and came to me like an obedietn puppy. Baekhyun, turning his attention at the paper bag in my hands, returned Joohyun’s chocolates without further fuss to Sehun—who looked utterly blank and clueless as to what just happened—and came hopping in my direction.

“Are you really gifting us chocolates this Valentine’s Day?” Baekhyun blinked his eyes at me endearingly.

I wanted to slap him for acting cute like that, but I held myself back and smiled as I nodded in response. “I made chocolates for everyone,” I said.

Both boys couldn’t help but grin in joy.

I looked back at Baekhyun’s desk and saw the pile of chocolates that his admirers left him. It was a huge collection of chocolates I was sure he and the others were already used to receiving every Valentine’s Day, but I could not help but feel proud that despite all those chocolates being there—that probably even tasted better than mine—they were still excited to receive mine. It was nothing special but I was glad someone was happy to receive the heart I poured into making them.

After all, this was the first time I gave out chocolates to the boys in my life.

However, the last piece sat inside my bag.

I was not really sure what to do with it that I avoided looking at Sehun as much as possible.

-

The school day passed by pretty fast. I was not sure why it did. Perhaps it was because I was pretty much in the mood and time didn’t seem stagnant to me. Or maybe because we had a lot going on—cancelled subjects, a lot of confessions in the cafeteria, afternoon games that my friends proudly won—and the day wasn’t just as normal as the other days. I didn’t know. But it felt really nice to feel a little lax for a while.

Everywhere was filled with red colour love letters, red and pink balloons, 1 + 1 couple items, lunch sets that were especially set in the market for the Valentine mood. It was pretty much the same thing that happened in Seoul in the past, but I could only somehow feel the impact of it now.

Seeing those lovers around me sometimes made me feel uncomfortably bittersweet. My curious mind would wander to the thoughts of how would it be like. What would it be like to love someone and be loved by someone? The envious feeling would draw a funny sensation inside my stomach like there were butterflies catapulting to the walls and it would make me shiver.

This is crazy.

“It’s about to start,” Joohyun’s excited voice sounded distant next to my ear in the midst of all the noise.

There was a crowd around us in the gym that was cheering for the show that was about to start. Everywhere I looked it was dim. Music was blasting through the speakers around. Lights flickered above and in front of us. It almost looked like a scene in a disco had it not been the school festival’s last night.

I was quite aware of the girls shouting Sehun and Jongin’s name. Apparently they were performing their last dance in middle school tonight.

Tonight it would start and end.

I thought of what it felt like for both boys. They must have worked hard for this.

It was one of our last days as middle schoolers and suddenly I felt nostalgic about the past year. Memories flickered before my eyes and reminded me of how I roughly started in this town and how I ended up gaining precious friends. More than finding love and anything else I considered them the greatest blessing I earned that everything suddenly seemed surreal and overwhelming.

My gaze flickered back to Joohyun, a sudden thought going back in mind.

The letter.

Was it the perfect time to give it back to her? I asked myself.

I didn’t know what I should do.

But I saw the huge smile on her face. The lights at the stage slowly brightened and for a moment I thought I also saw her face do so, like it was anticipating for this very time. Then I turned my head in front and from the darkness the dancers appeared and began their performance. Twelve boys from the dance club started the routine. Both Jongin and Sehun were at the middle front.

I saw them performing at this kind of events in the past but it was only then that I felt like I knew what Joohyun must have been all excited about.

Jongin was an utterly flawless dancer even at an early age that I couldn’t help but appreciate his skills. He was the best dancer that night, it was no doubt. I expected no less from him. And like every other girl I could have fallen for him in a heartbeat right then and there.

But that night, my heart had been stolen again by a thief and my feet had been completely swept off the floor. Not by the best dancer. He was nowhere near Jongin’s skill, but just like the first time I saw him dance up close in the dance room, Sehun had been a beautiful dancer to me. He took my breath away along with my heart.

That I thought, there were feelings I could hide but nothing I could forget. They were just there hiding somewhere inside me if I tried hard not to think of them and they come back in a heartbeat as soon as he appeared at my line of sight that often times I held myself back, ignored him and averted my eyes from him.

Tonight, though, I did not forbid myself to watch.

Just one more time before I try to move on again.

I always told myself that every time I tried to remove those unnecessary feelings for Sehun I might never be able to say out loud. I still thought it was nothing but a puppy crush and that I was not going to do anything about it, but the longer I was this close to him the more that my resolve was weakening. I was starting to doubt myself.

Was it really just a mere crush?

Looking back at Joohyun who was happily cheering for her boyfriend, I could not help but wish for this torture to finish. I just wanted to stop liking him. I just wanted for us to go back to where we started. It was a very simple wish—I thought it was.

However, not everyone could teach their hearts to do a thing or two. Sometimes, just by merely getting a short glimpse of that person would send the stupid muscle into a frenzy and you’d get reminded of the fluttering signs why—again—you like that person. It was definitely foolish and unreasonable. But wasn’t that why it was called love?

Because love was unreasonable.

The lights inside the gymnasium slowly flickered open, blinding my eyes that I rubbed them with my fists to clear my vision. It signified the end of the performance and the school festival. It was so sudden but perhaps I was not really paying attention to anything else around me that I did not notice the time. It went by so fast and I was like Cinderella trying to