“You’re not really Sehun’s cousin, are you?”

-

You know that kind of feeling when you ride the rollercoaster and you’re at the steepest part of the track and the car was ready to plunge down the evil slide, making the food you eat in your stomach defy gravity and want to escape your throat and mouth and yet just as soon as a scream left your lips and you lived at the end of it, you still feel this claminess, this certain feeling of death knowing that you’re forced to take another loop even if you’re no longer interested?

That kind of dread? That kind of horror?

It was all I was feeling at the top of the ferris wheel even though it was nothing compared to a death-defying rollercoaster ride. Everything went downhill in a crashing fashion as soon as the words slipped out of Luhan’s mouth.

I opened my mouth to speak, wanting to defend myself and tell him that I was really Sehun’s cousin, but I was too easy to read that I knew denying the truth would no longer work. He had long caught on. And with the smirk plastered on his face, I knew I was in trouble.

Suddenly I just wanted to escape Luhan’s penetrating gaze and claws. I looked everywhere other than him, fidgeting on my seat hoping that the ferris wheel ride would soon end. I didn’t think I’d last any longer in the claustrophobic car ride with this boy. He scared me more than anything else at the moment.

“Calm down, Mimi,” he said, squinting at me, but I was too busy checking if I’d fit through the window of the car and be able to jump down and still live from twenty-some feet above the ground. “I’m not going to tell anyone so calm down!”

It was only then when I heard him shout that I stopped struggling, flinching in surprise. Eyes wide, I robotically turned my body to him, realizing in delay what he said. My heart rate gradually slowed down at the realization. He won’t tattle-tale on me. He won’t tattle tale on me, I kept reassuring myself, repeating what he said in my head.

When I was coherent enough, I managed to nod, saying, “sorry.”

But I refused to look him in the eye, knowing that just one look at mine he would know how guilty I was. I knew he was just asking and not accusing me but I couldn’t help but feel sorry and feel pathetic about myself. I was even more conscious of myself, too. Because Luhan found out.

How did he? Since when? Was it that obvious? Was he the only one that noticed? I paled, thinking that if he noticed, then perhaps could the others have? Were we not that careful? Was I not that careful enough?

More than that, the prospect of him knowing and—finally—confirming now from my suspicious silence that I was just really faking being Sehun’s cousin was so dreading I wanted to pee in my own pants. How does he view me now? I felt like tearing up but held in the tears that were so willing to come out, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. He might already think I was another sly for fooling them.

But most of all, I was not sure whether I won’t be hurt if I saw unacceptance for the lie that I was. We were just getting along and now the fairytale had to end.

. . .

Shouldn’t this be the part when the movie director says ‘cut’ and insert ‘to be continued’ before the movie credits? But then I knew that was not happening any time soon. For this was all real.

Lucky me. If you knew what I mean. If that wasn’t enough sarcasm I placed on myself.

“Breathe,” he said. I ignored him not understanding. I was breathing just fine; only if he didn’t know anything that I could have come back to ease.

“Mimi,” Luhan called, giving emphasis to the nickname he coined. I shook my head, closing my eyes.

Suddenly it felt as if everything was closing in on me, the dizzy feeling taking over, giving me that sensation that I wanted to throw up.

“Mimi! Calm down!” Luhan shouted, catching my attention again.

I peered at him again, not being able to really focus on what he was saying due to the lunch we had this afternoon regurgitating to my throat from my stomach and then the stinging in my eyes. I hunched over, hugging myself as I tried to concentrate not to puke.

“Oh my ing gosh, Mimi!” I heard him say while in the middle of my haziness. The car suddenly moved, swaying from side to side a bit, making the dizzy spell even worse. But before I knew it Luhan was next to me, hugging me to him. At that moment, I did not care whether someone was hugging me; not even if it was Luhan.

“Breathe properly, please. You’re hyperventilating and all that and you’re scaring me! I’m not here to judge you or eat you alive so don’t be scared. I won’t do anything to you. I just want you to be honest with me,” he said frantically, but there was honesty in his voice despite the urgency or desperation to get me to calm down.

With widened eyes, I took in all that he said, feeling the contents of my stomach slowly falling back with gravity, and with his hand rubbing my back in soothing circles, I learned to breathe again, feeling my heart slow down.

He wasn’t out here to get me.

“Don’t freaking panic like that again, you idiot. I’m no doctor to know what to do if you suddenly act like this again. Oh god,” he said chidingly. “You ing scared me.”

I was instantly sorry that I reacted impulsively and had a major panic attack. What happened back then with dad almost happened a while ago and I was just glad Luhan managed to calm me down. I was just glad that I was able to fight the urge to curl into a ball and shut down the world again.

Luhan pulled away, holding my shoulders at arms length. I tried my best to avoid his eyes, still not knowing how to explain everything to him. How would I? I lied to everybody for the entirety of my stay. I lied about who I was and I’d been doing it while they gave me their entire trust.

“You don’t have to explain anything if you don’t want to,” Luhan drawled out, surprising me. I wrung my fingers on my lap, feeling the guilt intensify despite him giving me this chance to remain quiet. Why was he being so calm about this? Why was he still so nice to me?

“I’m not gonna question you further if you’re going to be uncomfortable about it,” he continued. “And you don’t have to think too much how I found out. It was rather by chance that I found out, anyway. Believe me.” He leaned back, turning his gaze across the car.

This time, it was me boring my gaze at the side of his face, willing him to continue. “If it was an outsider that would be looking at you both and you two told them you were cousins they could have, of course, easily believed you. But then I’m Sehun’s cousin, remember? The legit one.” At this he had a cheeky grin on his face, making me blush in embarrassment. “We grew up together. We were each other’s favorite cousin until today happened. Perhaps once we get out from this car he will probably kill me with his eyes, but let’s not stray from the topic.” He chuckled, puzzling me. I didn’t think hard about the weird things he spouted and continued listening to him.

“I mean, it’s easy to know, being me. For as long as we’ve been buddies I never heard uncle having a sibling or something nor did your mother look like someone related to them. You don’t even remotely look like Sehun.” He shook his head, smiling. “And you know, having that kind of instinct made me seem wary of you. I became careful while I was suspicious. I thought that uncovering your identity was fun, but I didn’t expect I’d get results. You two were really good at hiding.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, not understanding much of what he was trying to make me ingest. “How did you find out then?” I said, finally finding my voice, wanting answers.

His smile widened as he went through his memory. “I was about to let the matter go but then I found something interesting on the floor in your kitchen,” he said, pulling out something from his pants’ pocket. When his hand emerged from the depth of his pocket, he held out a folded paper, urging me to take it. “Open it.”

I gingerly took the folded paper from him, held it with both my hands and ever so slowly unfolded the paper. When the paper was finally back to its original size again, having been spread and straightened out by my hands, my eyes widened. It was a picture of one of the wedding dresses mom was looking at.

“Given that I saw that in your kitchen, it didn’t guarantee much about anything—what if it was just something you or your mother tore out from a magazine? What if it was just a random thing?—but I just connected the dots on my own. It’s just a guess that I think now I am right about, seeing your reaction. You’re not much of a good liar. Your expression betrays you most of the time, you know?” He chuckled as if this wasn’t any big deal.

I gripped on the sides of the paper tighter, feeling it crumple in between my fingers as I suppressed the urge to glare at something.

“That’s not what I was really most curious about, though. I don’t care much whether you’re really his cousin or not.” Hearing him say this surprised me. I thought he was done telling me about this entire scheme he figured out on his own like he was some kind of Sherlock Holmes, but he wasn’t. “I was more curious why he kept it a secret that you’re not his cousin. What are his intentions? Why did he blurt it out if he knew it would complicate things even mores? But most importantly why did he care to lie for his father’s woman’s daughter?

Sehun’s not someone who normally covers for his father’s extra baggage. He detested them so much that no woman lasted three months in that house.”

I couldn’t any more agree with Luhan. He was right. Sehun was someone that hated every woman his father brought home. Just like my mother. Even if she came there as Mr. Oh’s friend, Sehun was so mean at mom and I at first. He’d look at us with extreme loathing even if we didn’t do anything before.

“Mom and I came to his home with nothing but hopes of having a new start,” I blurted out, not being able to stop my mouth from spilling out the truth. “She was so heartbroken by my father after their divorce that she agreed to come here with her best friend, Mr. Oh. He had promised her a new life. They weren’t anything but best of friends back then.”

Luhan nodded at this, listening, but not encouraging me to continue. He was just sitting there beside me in silence as we felt the ferris wheel car slowly descend from the top.

“Sehun thought mom was one of them and he really hated us at first, too. But something happened and I guess we just came to understand each other. What with being son and daughter of a broken family,” I shrugged, reminiscing the past. Back when we were each other’s enemy. “I didn’t know why he announced that we were cousins, though. All I thought back then was he doing that to save his reputation. I mean, who wants to know that he is living with a strange girl under one roof? Plus, the fact that we aren’t related complicates it even more. They would think otherwise of him or his father. We all know how the conservatives’ minds work. They have very wild imaginations.” At this, Luhan chuckled.

I rolled my eyes at him, wondering how he could still think of the mockery as plain funny. I wasn’t even trying to be. When I said it that way I truly meant it. Those old-fashioned, old-aged neighbors would probably say a bunch of lewd assumptions if they heard through the grapevine that a boy and a girl slept in one room even just literally.

“But,” he said, pausing, his smile long gone and replaced with seriousness in his tone, playfulness dancing in his eyes as he watched my reaction. “don’t you think he did it because of another reason?”

Unsurely, I said, “would he?”

A grin spread across his face, liking my answer. He must have expected the question.

I knew that in the beginning I thought Sehun did all what he did for his own image. He was someone selfish like that and didn’t care about me—a stranger. But my perspective of him changed. I knew that he wasn’t shallow like that, yet—it was just that—I wanted to hear from Luhan. I wanted affirmation because I doubted myself for my own judgement. I knew Sehun cared for me, but I wasn’t confident enough of what I thought.

“He would,” Luhan said in confidence. “Because you’re someone very important to him, Mimi.” At this point we were both staring at each other. He, with the sureness with his words. I, with the shivers running down my spine as I took in what he said.

I wish you are right, I wanted to say.

But everything came to a halt—the ferris wheel car finally reaching the ground—and I was not able to form the words out. It got stuck in my throat as I watched the ferris wheel attendant open the door for us.

“Mimi?”

It was just like everything that were said at the top of the ferris wheel weren’t said as Luhan smiled at me as if nothing happened. He extended his hand for me to take but I bid my time to wonder at him.

Was it just a dream? Or was Luhan trying to keep his word that he won’t tell on me? Did he really tell me what he found out and did I really confess to him the truth?

“Are you not coming out?” he cheekily asked, his eyes having that mischievous spark again. “Did you really love the idea of being alone with me in the ferris wheel so much that you’re looking at me that way?”

I blinked at him, finding my cheeks flaming at the implication of his words. In an instant, the respect I had for him was gone and annoyance took over as I slapped his hand away, pushing my way out of the car only to halt on the spot as I saw Sehun and Seol unnie waiting for us. Luhan wasn’t too fast to noticed that I’d stopped and bumped on my back.

“Why did you sto—“

I interrupted him with a plea. “Please help us keep our secret.” I was still looking at the oblivious boy waiting for us from the distance.

A dry chuckle resounded behind me. “I can hold one secret, but another one would make it harder for two to be kept.”

I cocked my head to the side, not understanding. “What are you talking about?”

He stepped to the side, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked across us with a proud face. I knew what or who he was looking at that I didn’t have to even turn my gaze away from him as I waited for his response, wanting him to