Around ten in the evening, I stood by Sehun’s door in contemplation whether to knock or not. It had been twenty-four hours since our parents announced their union. It was also twenty-four hours since I saw his mask wear off. He tried to look happy and in approval of their relationship, but seeing a forced smile on his face that night told me otherwise. I was sure that the news still came as a shock to him and I was worried that he wouldn’t be able to easily accept it.

I raised my hand, about to decide to knock, but then at the back of my mind I thought of how he was going to feel if he saw the daughter of the new woman his father was in a relationship with and slowly let it fall limp to my side again. It must be a daydream to think that he would be able to easily accept everything without holding a grudge. My mom was another woman, anyway, that was trying to replace his mom. Again. And I might just remind him of this.

He must have hated me now.

There was a slow sadness that started to fill me. To be honest, I grew fond of Sehun and I didn’t want him to hold anything against me. But I couldn’t really complain if he ever had anything towards me. I must up to it if that’s what was going to keep him close. After all, I chose my mother’s happiness. She already sacrificed a lot in the past fifteen years, so how could I not allow her to be happy now?

Again, trying to think things through on my own, I went to the kitchen to get some glass of milk, but as soon as I reached the area I stiffened as soon as I saw Sehun already occupying the seat on the kitchen Island next to my original spot, as if he was really waiting for me. My breathing almost hitched from the surprise, but I tried to mask the beating of my heart with the clearing of my throat. I was not sure if he could hear it and I was afraid that I pretended not to be affected by his sudden appearance after a long day’s hiding game.

“You’re here,” I commented, trying to appear unfazed as I sat down next to him.

He didn’t look at me, but I saw how his jaw tensed in the dim lighting as I spoke in the silence.

Would he have expected me to come but wished I hadn’t?

“I couldn’t sleep and thought some milk would help me,” he said. I thought of the possibility of that being the real reason and gave him credit for it. It must be true, anyway, and I was just the one making up things in my head.

But then it didn’t end from there.

“Actually,” he added, gulping a lump in his throat. “I just lied to you.”

I smiled to myself, hearing him. We were both liars.

“I’m still thinking of what’s going to happen now to us,” he continued.

I was so absorbed in my own thoughts that there was a delay when I realized what he just said. “What are you—“ I stammered, shocked as I turned to him. He was looking back at me with tired eyes. He must have not had enough sleep in the last twenty-four hours long he was in his room, pretending to be sick. “How could you think like that? Aren’t you mad at me at all or at my mother? We… came here barging in your house without your permission and now me, my mom… aren’t you the slightest bit angry?—“

“Would it be a surprise if I am not?” he interrupted, shutting me up.

I thought of the truthfulness in his words and sighed. It was already too stupid to come straight to him after just betraying him—too hypocritical of me to do—but why did I feel relieved he wasn’t at least mad at me? It would have been better if he was upset because it would make things hard but I would know I deserved it.

“I thought of it last night after dinner,” he said, snapping me out of my train of thoughts. “…and realized that maybe you were right. It isn’t so bad if they got together. My dad looks so happy again and it made me, surprisingly, happy too. Somehow. I never saw him like that ever since mom left.

Your mom brought a smile back to my father. Isn’t that a thing to be happy about?” He turned to me, smiling a little. The lighting sure was poor, but I couldn’t help but focus on the tiredness on his face and the sadness beyond his tiny smile.

My eyes trembled, about to draw out tears that suddenly wanted to come out. I didn’t know why I felt sad about seeing him say all these things with that kind of face.

Was he truly happy for his father? Was he not really mad? Was he really okay about all these?

“Are you really all okay about what happened?” I sheepishly asked, turning my gaze on the table top, holding onto my glass of milk with both hands.

A soft, dry, chuckle escaped his lips in the silence. “Am I?” he threw back the question as if he was contemplating whether he really was. “I don’t know.”

I wanted to punish myself for making him feel so pathetic, but I just held tighter around the cold glass to not appear as anything else. I wanted to look as calm as possible regarding the matter to avoid adding any more salt to his wounds I already inflicted.

A forced smile graced my lips to cover up for the wavering of my heart. Any moment of weakness would have me wrapping my arms around him and crying for his forgiveness. “I know it’s going to be hard for you, but at least now you could rely more on me. I finally have a reason to take better care of you, brother-to-be,” I tried to joke, feigning a laugh.

But his furrowed eyebrows directed at me, caught me off guard. Why he was looking at me like that as if he was confused made me come back to silence.

“Is it really okay for you if we become something like that?”

I closed and opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Sehun just beat me to it as he continued with a slight chuckle. “Had I known this could be a reason to stop you from pulling away from me, I would have stopped myself about feeling repulsive of the idea of you being my sister. I would have just let things be that way. Why did I not think about it like that?”

“What do you mean?”

He faced me and shook his head with a smile on his lips. “Nothing,” he said, raising his hand to ruffle my hair. I was so dazed about the sudden change in his behavior that I couldn’t form any coherent thoughts. “From now on, don’t get too far from me, sis.”

Sudden embarrassment caught me as soon as I heard the new nickname from him that I wanted to kick his leg and say what kind of nonsense he was spouting, but then I was so flustered he was able to speak first before I could.

“I have more reason now to protect you,” Sehun spoke while looking straight into my eyes, “and our secret.”

-

I did not know what Sehun meant about protecting me and our secret. I knew that we should not ever get caught especially now that our parents were happily in an official relationship, but I was bent on knowing why all of a sudden he just changed his mind.

Was it because he was truly happy to see our parents together? Or was it because he didn’t just want for anyone to know how greatly we lied towards them? Was it all about others or still all about him?

The curiosity was killing me that I was not able to notice when I bumped to another person on my way home. Our things clattered to the ground and apologies were said at the carelessness that brought the incident as we helped each other pick up everything.

“I’m sorry I am not—“ The words got stuck in my throat when I looked up and realized I was face to face with Joohyun again who was carrying some letters from the post office.

“It’s fine. It’s not like you—“ She, too, was just as surprised as she looked up to see me gazing at her in astonishment. “Oh, it’s you…Mijoo.” She drawled out unsurely.

I nodded slowly, looking down at one of her letters I had picked up earlier, but then the writings on the back of the envelope of the letter confused me.

Seoul Arts Performing School

Why did she have a letter coming from that school?

I was so absorbed in wondering why Joohyun had such a letter that I didn’t notice when she managed to pull the letter from my grasp.

“M-my dad told me not to stay out too long so I guess I’ll see you later, Mijoo,” Joohyun said, her pretty smile trying to cover up the cracks in her façade. She hurriedly stood up, not letting me speak, and briskly walked away to the opposite direction.

Several times she looked back at me with quivering eyes and a smile that trembled at the corners. It was so unusual of her to look that uneasy I only realized she took the wrong direction going back home. She was supposed to take the path I came from, but that day it was just as if she wanted to get as far away as possible from me.

I went home that day from running an errand having thoughts about Joohyun at the back of my mind. I was trying to connect one thing to another but there were hunches I didn’t want to admit to. I just didn’t think Joohyun could do the things I thought of. But then again, she was just as much of a person in denial and a girl full of secrets that I might not just come to understand so simply what was going inside that pretty little head of hers.

When I entered the living room, I was greeted with my mother and Mr. Oh on the couch, sitting side by side with their heads on top of each other as they watched a movie. It was beginning to darken outside but I was still able to take a glimpse of the giddy smiles on their lips as they talked about something regarding the characters in the movie. It seemed that they already watched the movie a couple of times during their childhood because mom was recalling times when Mr. Oh cried because of the romantic film.

I didn’t know how close they were before as best friends, but I was able to create a picture of them when they were just our age. Maybe they’d done this kind of thing and hundreds of other more things together before without knowing they’d already fallen for each other. Or maybe, they had already known how they felt for each other before, but had circumstances going on that it was too late before they even had the chance to admit their feelings for each other.

For whatever reason they didn’t happen sooner, I thought it was unfortunate that they had to go through all those bad things in th