There was a habit that Sehun and I had formed in the past few days: we’d walk home together right after classes, hold hands in the absence of onlookers, and ask each other questions.

“A question for a question,” he’d always say with a boyish grin on his face.

As we would arrive home, mom was often in the living room or kitchen, sorting through her ready invitations. She had showed me once the list of guests they had agreed upon for their small wedding and gladly none of them were for the mothers or fathers of our friends. I was surprised, at first, why it was possible that none of them were invited, but Sehun had told me, his dad wasn’t really the kind of person to go out and befriend the people in his old town, unless it was the Kims—Jongin’s family. They were surely on the shortlist and that I didn’t question. Jongin knew about our parents, anyway. On the other hand, with a longing expression he was unable to hide quickly, Sehun had informed me it was his mother that had gotten acquainted with the adults. When I heard this news I quickly distracted him by inviting him to my room.

There, we had plopped down on my bed tiredly and laid flat on our backs while looking at the glow-in-the-dark-stars-clad ceiling. It looked nothing in the presence of light, but at times that we wanted to enjoy the dim glow of those stars, we’d close the curtains and lamp light and just lay their quietly in the darkness until we fell asleep.

Sometimes, we’d continue on with the ‘question for a question’ segment until we figured something else to do.

“I have another question,” I asked, gazing back at him—obsidian eyes, tousled hair, boyish grin.

Sehun was laying on his side, looking at me amusingly. I was still yet to get used to the constant staring he was doing every time we were alone and the constant touching, drawing circles on my side or hip, him kissing my forehead every so often. “Sure, as long as I get to ask mine after,” he said, his eyes still not leaving mine.

I bit my lip, feeling my cheeks redden in embarrassment at the question that was at the tip of my tongue. I closed my eyes, not really wanting to see his expression if I asked. “How many girls had you been with?” that was if he could still count.

When I was met by an eerie silence after a while, I peeked at him and saw his lips press to a thin line while gazing at me. “Is it really something you wanna know? You know that I’m not really proud of—“

“Is that your question, then?” I cut off, shutting him up.

He sighed. “No.”

“Then answer the question. I won’t judge you,” I told him.

Then, out of nowhere, his arms came around me, caging me, his lips pressed to the top of my head. “I just don’t want you to think about it, Joo. Why do we have to go there?”

Out of a mind of clarity, I blurted out without thinking much, “Because I want to come to terms with the situation, that’s why I want to know everything. I don’t want to run anymore.” From my own demons.

He tightened his grip around me, his musky scent he was carrying with him wafting to my nose that was buried to his chest. A shaky breath had vibrated against his chest, trying to fight the closing in of his lungs and the erratic beating of his heart.

“I honestly don’t know how many.” A pang had struck my heart, but I didn’t tell him. “I don’t remember their names either. Lisa’s there, but she was the one that decided she would be stuck with me since the crowd I joined was her own clique.”

“But if anything, to make you feel better, as I am not proud of this chapter of my life, I want you to know that there are only two people I genuinely liked.”

“Who?” I half-whispered, my heart pounding loudly in my ears.

He chuckled, asking teasingly, “Is that your next question?”

I shook my head, wrapping my arms around his torso, burying my face in his chest even further to hide my embarrassment. “You should at least honor me with this question as a bonus. I really am curious.”

He wiggled away from me so that he could take a good look at my face. I blushed at his intense gaze, but hoped it wasn’t too much colouring on my cheek. But the smirk that came its way to his lips proved otherwise. He must know what he was doing and what I felt every time he looked at me that he taunted me with it.

“Fine,” Sehun retorted in submission. “But just because I like you.” He lightly flicked my nose, making me scrunch up my face at him, to which he laughed.

After he came down from his high, though, with a sincerity in his voice like no other, he said, “The only people I ever liked was Joohyun and… you.”

I shifted onto my side to completely face him, my cheeks a deep shade of red and pure embarrassment. “You didn’t have to really put it that way,” I muttered more to myself.

But he must have still heard me because he wouldn’t have explained himself further if he hadn’t. “Believe me when I say this,” he uttered, taking my hand in his and intertwining our fingers. “I might have liked Joohyun for years, but it doesn’t amount to how I feel for you.” He brought our hands to his lips and pressed a lingering kiss on my knuckles. “I mean, it’s just that when I came to admit my feelings for you that I realized how shallow my feelings could have been for Joohyun. I had liked her for so long not knowing whether it was really love or maybe just an infatuation I had harbored for years and perhaps the idea of her liking me back didn’t really cross my mind that I mistook my admiration for her for something else while we were in that relationship before we broke up.”

“She was really everything a person might ask for, but probably I was only so hung up with the idea of her and not really her. That’s why I must have not seen it coming when she wanted to leave. I didn’t know that part of her that wanted to.” He sighed, his lips pressed against my knuckle with more pressure. “Plus, you know how terrible I am to adapting to change. That, when I learned about her leave, I was so mad. But not really at you,” he whispered, admittedly. “In all honesty, at that time, I was just so mad at myself that I couldn’t make her stay and you were the person that I decided to be the target of my anger. Now, I realize how stupid that move was. I drove you away.”

“But I stayed,” I answered, holding the side of his face with my other hand, looking him deep in the eyes.

“Yeah,” he leaned closer to my touch. “Luckily, you stayed despite all the I gave you.”

I smiled, feeling a huge chunk of weight finally lift off my shoulders when he shared his thoughts to me: a part of him that I was kept in the dark of for a while.

And then with a sudden surge of surprising courage, I leaned in, pressing my lips softly to his. I could sense the surprise Sehun had as our lips touched, breaking the gap between us. It was the first time I ever initiated a kiss and I guess that was progress despite the crazy butterflies in my stomach terrorizing me. For I’d never been so anxious and thrilled than this moment. Anxious that he would reject me. Thrilled that I’m kissing the boy I love.

He was too caught up at the surprise that he was frozen. I almost pulled away, feeling dejected he might not want to kiss me back since I sprang up the kiss onto him so suddenly, but he caught my retreating figure with his arm and hauled me closer, pressing his lips with more pressure to mine, moving them against mine when I didn’t protest for him to stop.

I knew he was being careful with me because he knew he was taking every special firsts from me, but I didn’t want him to stop. Every chance I was with him, I just wanted to be closer. I wanted to be by his side all the time, kiss him, touch him, whisper words of love. I didn’t want to hold back. And at this moment, I knew at the back of my head I was doing that even though I was breaching through dangerous waters with him. The closer I got, the more worried I feel, but the happier my heart was.

He always made me feel safe. Every time I was with him, I feel that everything was right.

“Don’t think even for a second that I don’t want you,” he said when he briefly pulled away, looking in my eyes as if he read my mind. “Because, I do. I always do. I have not wanted anyone so much more than you.” His eyes searched mine. They were the perfect colour of obsidian, so deep the pool of black that I could easily get lost in them. “And I really like it when you try for me.” He caressed the side of my face, a lopsided smile on his lips. “I know it takes you a lot of courage to do this and I truly appreciate it. But you don’t have to hold yourself back when we are alone, okay?”

I looked down at the buttons of his shirt and fiddled with them, trying to erase my embarrassment. “I don’t know. I mean, I just feel like this. This girl who doesn’t know what to do with an even more experienced boy—“

“I like everything about you,” he interrupted, tilting my chin with his finger to bring my eyes to meet his. “Whatever you do won’t disappoint me, I promise.”

I bit my lip when I saw the ghost of a smile dance on his lips as I try to search any playfulness in his words. He knew I was not taking his words lightly, that in some way it was discomforting. They were too good to be true that I felt anxious, wondering whether to believe them. And he found this quite amusing.

“Is that true?” I whispered.

He chuckled, placing a brief kiss on my lips. It was unannounced, but it didn’t bother me. Was it because I was getting used to his kisses? “More than you could ever know,” he mused. “And if it will make you feel any better, to be honest with you, I also feel like I don’t know what I am doing every time you’re around.”

“With you, it is as if everything is my first too, you know?”

There was that swelling in my chest that grew bigger each time he left me with sweet words. Words that made me feel secure. Words that took all my insecurities away. Made me feel like I wasn’t the only one trying. I wasn’t alone. This time, I had him. This time we were together in this.

A smile grew on my lips. “This may sound stupid, but I’m happy you told me that.”

His lips curved up too, a tad bit wider than to my liking. And then as if he was about to say a secret, he moved his lips closer that our breaths mingled and said much to my embarrassment, “I know this may sound too informative but I thought I ought to let you know I’d never slept with anybody before.”

I gasped, widening my eyes, and as if on reflex I swung my hand to slap his chest. I knew I had hit him with a lot of force, but his body only shook with laughter as he tried to make me stay while I wiggled my way out of his embrace. I was so flustered I just wanted to bury myself in a hole and never talk to him.

“I didn’t think for a second of asking that!” I whined, feeling my cheeks burst with heat. “You’re so shameless, Sehun!” I waggled an accusing finger at him, but he only guffawed even louder, his hands clutching his stomach. “You need to learn to control your mouth!”

“But we promised to be honest with each other, didn’t we?” I reddened. He was right. But I wasn’t prepared for what he said. I knew I was curious—I came to a point each night asking myself whether he already did it with anybody else—but I knew I was afraid to know the truth that I told myself I didn’t want to know yet.

But I guess, somehow the bluntness he had put calm to my doubting heart; it lessened the worry I had or the pain I thought I had to go through knowing that I wasn’t the only one. Not that I was thinking of only physically getting close to him or what! This just goes to show how much he grew in me.

With a sigh, I nodded. He pressed his forehead to mine, smiling.

Then came his question that made me wish he never asked. “Then tell me something I’ve been itching to know,” he started. “did Jongin kiss you last year during the fireworks at the river?”

I blushed, cowering at the raised brow he gave me.

-

It wasn’t like it was a real kiss that Jongin gave me.

But either way, Sehun had taken offense of knowing that Jongin attempted to. He kissed the corner of my lips back then, after all. Sehun had a deep scowl etched on his face after learning about this. I only smiled at him, amused at the new found realization that he might have actually been spying on me back then during the little moment I had with Jongin by the river, that night.

Back then when I thought the swelling in my heart was caused by another boy.

The memories rushed back to me like a blur and I started thinking whether that was when things began to go wrong. If I knew what was coming and I dodged it as I saw it, would Jongin suffer like he did now? No. Maybe he had already found the girl that would make him happy. Maybe things wouldn’t be as complicated as they were now.

Maybe, too, I didn’t have to break the truth to him or find myself angry at what I had to know.

-

It was a Saturday morning when Jongin and I met again after the library incident. I had invited him to go with me to the newly opened café in town that was six blocks from his house.

The weather outside was a pouring storm so we had to share an umbrella and run in the rain, laughing. He opened the door for me and the chime tinkled to welcome us in. I smiled as soon as the warmth of the heater caressed my exposed skin, bringing a calming feeling to the mess of thoughts in my head.

“Do you wanna sit together at the very back?” I offered, distracting myself from my own thoughts.

Jongin offered a warm smile, nodding. He left the umbrella we used at the rack by the entrance of the café and placed a hand to the small of my back as we headed to an empty table at the back. I shivered at the heat coming from his palm and absentmindedly straightened my back, trying to avoid his touch.