[11:11 PM]

Jongin pushed the shoe box under my bed and turned to me who was standing behind the closed door. “Are you sure you’re not giving him this?” he asked, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

I shook my head and smiled a little. “There are things better hidden,” than said.

He blinked his eyes and tiredly sat down on the floor, a smile full of irony showing on his face. I knew Jongin must be pitying me for the state I was in. After all, he was not just an accomplice now but a witness too.

“You won’t regret this, right?” he asked, averting his eyes.

I nodded, trying my best to look firm on my decision even though deep inside I was still mourning. There were just times I knew I should stop from crying. It was useless, after all. And Jongin had already seen me cry a lot of times I felt ashamed of myself.

Approaching him, I sat down next to him and laid my head on his shoulder. He was bony but enough to support my weight. “I guess, Sehun wouldn’t be getting anything from me this Christmas.”

He laughed dryly, slipping his arm around me and held the side of my head with his hand gently as if to cradle me closer to him. “How sure are you that you haven’t given anything away to him?” he said.

I closed my eyes, smiling. He was right.

“Sehun’s still luckier than me,” he muttered softly on my hair. “He effortlessly has something that I all wanted.” At this point, I couldn’t anymore feel embarrassed about hearing Jongin talk about his feelings.

We had become closer than before it was hard to deny him the comfort he needed from me even though I was the cause to some of his pains.

“Merry Christmas, Jongin.” I uttered, trying to distract him. Pulling his hand closer, I opened his palm and placed something I long wanted to give to him. “This is my present to you. I worked hard on it so you better make good use of it, okay?”

He chuckled, probably already seeing that it was an mp3 player where I had recorded some of the songs I played on the piano. “You really did this for me, Mijoo? Wow. I didn’t think you’d give me something this meaningful.”

Silence.

“I really thought Sehun would only get a good present this year, but I guess this is better. I’ll listen to it a lot. Thank you.”

“I might have committed mistakes on the recorded songs, though,” I warned him, pouting.

He laughed, shaking his head. “I’m not really good at pointing out mistakes when it comes to music or piano playing so don’t worry. If you haven’t said anything today about it I might think it’s perfect. Well, everything you do, to me, is, anyway.”

I playfully nudged his side, feeling a little flustered at how overboard he was expressing his own feelings like that to me. “You better stop complimenting me, Kim Jongin. I might fall for you if you keep up with it.”

“I’ll continue with it then until you fall for me.”

I laughed.

“Stop it,” I said, in between laughter.

“Why would I?” he asked. I could practically picture the smile that was flashing on his face.

I shook my head in response and said nothing.

Because I wish to erase the pain before I try to.

“Let’s stay a little longer in my room,” I muttered to him.

“Okay.”

Today, I’d unintentionally given away something to Sehun, just like how Jongin said. The realization came crashing down on me too late. I was already a mess before I realized I’d wthrown my heart away in the thief’s direction.

And he ripped it apart.

I closed my eyes to the sound of my heart tearing, the memories of what happened tonight coming back to me.

-

[9:35 PM]

It was a night to behold. A memory unfading.

I was sobbing in Jongin’s chest in the middle of the night. It was nothing like I imagined my Christmas to be this year. I thought the nightmarish dreams would stop but I didn’t think it was going to be this painful to start anew.

You live in a new town, new house, new surroundings, new people. But sometimes, no matter how good the start was, what was in between and how things would end were what always mattered. The risks were real. I just didn’t think they’d hurt that bad.

But now that my muse was right in front of me, I realized how cruel the world was. Because that person will never belong to me. It was made clear from the very moment I stepped foot in this town, it was even made clearer when our parents got together, and it became irrevocable when he professed his love for the very girl I came to both like and hate.

“Let’s get out of here,” I heard Jongin whisper in my ear.

Having no strength to put on a bravado, I let Jongin move me away from the scene. It was just too much for me to handle that I was utterly grateful he did something before my legs gave in.

We traipsed the snow covered street with my limp body being carefully pushed forward by him. My feet felt weightless below me that I didn’t know whether we were crossing a straight road or a curved path. Where he took me didn’t matter anymore. That when I realized where we were later on, I did not feel surprised or anything.

“Should we stay here for a while?” He said, bringing me under the huge slide in the nearby playground.

It was a little darker there compared to any other parts of the neighbourhood but I didn’t feel any scared. Jongin was with me, after all. At the moment he was all I had and all I could trust. There was no way I would not entrust my life to him like this, especially when I knew he tried his best to save me. I was not able to save myself, however.

The truth finally came out and I was not able to hide it away from the world anymore.

He looked at me worriedly, waiting for a word, but I just nodded my head slowly and let him sit me down on the ground. Snow was everywhere, even under the slide, but it felt warmer to be sitting under it next to a dear friend who was willing to comfort me despite the risk of hurting himself.

“You don’t need to say anything,” Jongin said, not asking me further even though I knew he must have so many unanswered questions.

“Just cry as long as you want. I’ll sit right here with you quietly until you decide to go home.”

I heaved out a shaky breath, sensing tears slowly b down my cheeks. I swiftly wiped them with the back of my hand while staring blankly at nothing and repeated this a couple of times. I was truly sorry for Jongin because he even had to babysit me the night before Christmas when he was supposed to be at home all dressed up and high in spirit due to the merry season.

“You should head home,” I told him, keeping a straight face as tears continued to fall from my eyes. “Your family must be worried about you.”

I knew that he must be drilling a hole on the side of my face that I closed my eyes. He must be worrying more now that I was pushing him away. There was no way Jongin would leave me by myself. I just knew he’d be persistent.

“I don’t think it’s right to leave you here alone, though.” His worry almost made me smile. This was just so like Jongin. “I’ll stay. I’m sure mom or noona would be gladder to know that I stayed out because of you. They’d beat me up if I even say that I left you out to freeze in the cold, you know”

That finally made me laugh.

“How is that possible?” I asked curiously. If it was another family they’d think I’m bad influence to their children for allowing them to stay behind out in the cold with me. “If it was mom, I’m sure she wouldn’t care whoever I was with out here and would reprimand me and that person for going beyond curfew.”

“That’s so like your mom,” he said, chuckling. “My mom’s a softy, though. She supports me whatever I do. That when she found out from that annoying Jisoo that I like you, she’s been pushing me to stay by your side if you need me.”

I couldn’t help but smile at the fact that he just called his noona without using honorifics when he was upset with her and the fact that his family was really nice.

“That makes me feel even terrible,” I admitted.

Suddenly Jongin was making big gestures, stuttering as he tried to explain how he didn’t intend to make me feel that way. I just heaved a smile and—in the blurriness of my vision—looked into his eyes with more adoration.

“Why are you so nice to me Jongin despite finally knowing the truth?” I asked.

The wind was starting to pick up. Snow had finally stopped from falling and the ground was melting on our clothes. I could feel Jongin slightly shivering next to me as our arms touched. He must be cold and yet he stayed and kept my heart warmed.

After a minute of silence, he simply said, “Because I’d never wanted someone before as much as I do now?”

His words made my heart skip a beat that it was hard to ignore it. I looked down on my shoes and avoided looking at him as much as possible. “You have bad eyes. How can you want someone that’s so stupid and imperfect and—“

But he cut me off with the same biting remark, “If I have bad eyes, then I guess you do have them too.” He boasted, his voice sounding slightly annoyed. “Because you like someone like that who’s even stupider than you and definitely flawed like him. Don’t you know that he even broke a bone before because he proudly raced down that very steep slope down the sixth street? And he peed his pants when he was in second grade because he was very nervous when the teacher called him to recite? And that he might look cool now but he only got the girl of his dreams because thought you were right—I mean—“

He abruptly stopped, realizing that I had returned my focus at him, stunned at what he last said. “Did…Sehun really…confessed his feelings to Joohyun because of…me?” I uttered in uncertainty due to the shock that came upon his revelation. It felt like a big bucket of iced water had just been poured over my head.

It was me who pushed myself down a gaping hole six feet below.

“Ah, what did I even say…” he said, blaming himself as he repeated slapped a hand over his lips repeatedly, seemingly punishing himself.

“Is it true, though?” I insisted, ignoring him.

An uncomfortable silence overtook. I didn’t force him to answer me just in case it was hard for him to tell me the truth. I knew it anyway. I didn’t need to have it confirmed through his mouth. He must be telling the—

“It’s true.” My eyes trembled upon hearing his voice again. “You give him a lot of courage, you know? I even thought before, if he wasn’t my best friend, that he has some sort of affection for you that was more than a cousin’s because he only listens to you.”

The words sounded ironic I couldn’t help but let out a dry laugh.

“It’s an honor to know that he must be highly thinking of me,” I said, slowly sensing my lips curve down to a deep frown. “but admittedly I’m regretting I was ever nice to him.”

“I wish I just didn’t encourage him at all.”