“Something came in the mail today, by the way,” mom drawled out, pushing towards me a familiar letter that I was hoping to intercept before she could.

But now that the cat was out of the bag, after all, I just looked at the piece of paper in front of me with feigned interest. It was a letter asking for the guardians’ consent to let us join the school trip to Seoul.

Good day!

We are glad to inform you about our school’s upcoming trip! This is an annual tradition for the school to send the students to an educational trip experience they will never forget and this year we decided to have it in Seoul…

My eyes followed every word in the letter all the way down to the bottom of the page and my eyebrows raised in surprise as I saw the signature at the end—above the blank that asked for the guardian’s signature over printed name.

“You—“

I blinked, unable to fathom out whether I was seeing what I was seeing. My mom’s signature on a paper that asked for her to allow me to come to the school trip to Seoul. Mom and Seoul are the two things that couldn’t ever be in the same sentence again. But what was this? Mom just willingly signed the letter!

“How—“ I was at lost for words, opening and closing my mouth to say something—anything—to her, but I hadn’t just recovered.

Noticing the stupid reaction on me, she placed her finger under my chin to push my mouth close, a smile playing on her lips. “You’re not really planning to show me this, are you?” she asked, furrowing her eyebrows, feigning annoyance, a glint of playfulness in her eyes.

I looked down sheepishly and shrugged.

At this point, Sehun had already climbed down the stairs, his bed hair sticking to all places. He greeted mom, looking at me and her as he wondered what the morning talk was about. Then, his eyes landed on the paper in front of me and I noticed the way he furrowed his thick brows as he drowned in the confusion until his eyes lit up and I knew for sure he knew what it was despite not looking at the narration. Instantly, after realizing what the thing was, he snapped his gaze to me, silently asking: does your mom already know?

I discreetly nodded to him and shifted slightly on my chair so my body was facing mom. With a huge breath out I said, “I was planning to, but I wanted to intercept the letter first and plan how I am going to tell you about the trip.”

Mom nodded, understanding. Sehun pulled out the chair next to me, peering down at the letter as he sat.

“That’s understandable,” she said, her features finally softening as she sat down on the other chair next to me and placed her hand over mine in concern. I avoided looking at her as much as possible, silently contemplating whether she just signed the paper because she had to but would finally change her mind now. Well, it wasn’t like I was looking forward to this school trip either. We could be on the same page. “I just hope you’ll have more faith in mom. I mean, you shouldn’t be afraid about asking me about it if you really want to come. Because, at the end of the day, I will always respect your choices, honey.”

Hearing this, my heart melted. Mom had been a strict and stuck up mother before that only told me what I should do or not do with my life. Finally being given an option by her was a one hundred eighty degree turn from the old her and it made me love her even more.

However, the guilt I was feeling inside me for mom was rising to infinity because of her openness to the idea. It would have been far more acceptable if she was even the slightest mortified at the idea of me going back to Seoul, but she just had to agree—without a second thought.

“Why?” I found myself softly saying before I could even stop my mouth.

Mom sighed, tightening her hand over mine. With how much pressure she put on her grip, I knew how determined she was to make me feel better no matter what. “It’s clear on your face even at this point you only think about me,” said she.

My eyes flickered back to her in surprise, wondering how on earth she could have known that. Mom never used to care or even if she did she didn’t show it to me much. Most of the time she hovered over me planning most of my life. But this? It was overwhelming me. I didn’t think she’d really known who I really am. Because all these years I had been so good at concealing my own feelings and at arguing with her. But now she’s just—

“I wish I can turn back time and just be a normal mother to you. I should have just set aside all my plans for you and instead stopped for a while to ask you what you really wanted,” she said, gulping, eyes glossed over as she looked at me.

Sehun had finally evacuated the dining room, probably to avoid being involved in the drama. I was thankful to him, though, for this. He didn’t have to hear our heart to heart talk at all. My brother-to-be would get much of it anyway once our parents finally got married. But just the thought of it made me hold back tears. Now, suddenly, I didn’t want to think that far yet after we just made up.

“I know I haven’t been the perfect mother and God knows how many milestones you have that I might have missed for I am always so busy at the hospital, but I am ready to make up for what I lacked as a mother,” mom continued, straying me back to the real situation. I held her gaze, listening to every word pouring out . “I want to be the mother that you will not regret having. Not the mother who always expected something from you or the one that thinks she can strive to make everything perfect in our lives or the one that pushes you away day by day because of how thoughtless she is.”

“I just want to be the mom who guides, protects and loves her only offspring.

That’s why this time I want to forget myself and hear you. If you want to go or not, it’s up to you. I will respect your decision, my daughter. I don’t think I should hold you back in any way. Besides, Seoul had always been your only home. You wouldn’t have left that place because of me or took a disliking to it because of your dad and I. I shouldn’t have driven you away from the only place you always found solace in just because of my own selfish desire to get away from there and move. And thinking back, I could have probably moved on without having to move so far away.”

But I shook my head, holding back the tears as I pulled her in for a hug. “Oh mom! You don’t have to say all those things just to make me feel better. You’re my mom. I would never hate you so much for bringing me into this world. It just so happened that I don’t have a perfect family or a perfect life. But it doesn’t matter, you know? Because I will always have you. You’re all I need. The past doesn’t matter. I don’t care if it was hard or if it’s even just as hard now. We’ll get through everything together,” I told her, finally not being able to stop myself from saying out loud. All the words I’d been meaning to say to her.

You’re my home, mom. This is my home now.

Then she placed her arms around me too and it just felt so right that I burst out into tears, after all.

I didn’t think that a simple letter to Seoul would make us understand each other more or make us closer for that matter. But somehow, the thought of going didn’t sound so much abhorring to me now after hearing what my mom said.

“Go to Seoul,” she said next to my ear as she carressed my hair. “Have fun there and forget everything else. Seoul doesn’t have to be everything about your douche of a father or the bad, old memories.” I agreed, nodding. If she said it that way I might really believe.

“Create new, happy and lasting memories from now on.”

-

The time to pull away from her embrace came a few hours later. We had talked for hours about the most trivial of things. I just listened to her and smiled, seeing the improvement on my mother’s look. Now that I got a better look on her face she really looked like she was happy and glowing. I don’t know. Maybe it was the fact that she was in love and that she was getting married despite the stress of preparations for the wedding celebration. At least, she didn’t have to do it alone. Mr. Oh was chivalrous enough to accompany her all throughout the way if he needed be. He made time for her and set aside some of his appointments just to be with her. Dad was never that kind of person. His business always came on top of his priority list; us, only always second in his life.

For the past year we were with Mr. Oh, I came to accept him with open arms. He wasn’t hard to like, actually. At first I thought he was just generous because of my mother, because he was trying his hardest to woo her, but I finally came to understand that the old man was just who he was. No ulterior motives added. That was why even if, as time went by, it was becoming harder for me to accept our fates, I couldn’t hate how in love my mom and him were. They deserved the happy ending after all they’d gone through.

I didn’t have to be the one to ruin their happiness even if it would ruin mine. What was even my source of happiness? At the back of my mind I already knew the answer, but I told myself that I would get over it soon. After all, he had a lot more in store for him. He would eventually meet more people and fall in love again after he had healed and as long as he knew nothing of my feelings I would feel a little less regretful why I didn’t do anything about them. Why I went down without a fight.

It was going to be for the best for all of us, even if I wasn’t so sure about that as well.

-

I went upstairs, deciding to go into my room, but just as I passed by Sehun’s door I stopped and had a last minute change of plans. I twisted the doorknob to his room open and slipped inside quietly. When I found him lying on his bed with eyes closed I couldn’t help but stop to stare at his peaceful form. Just looking at him like this made my heartbeat pick up. I wish he didn’t affect me this much.

Then somehow along staring at him and leisurely standing a few meters from him I found myself thinking of what it would be like for me after our parents got married. Would it always be like this? Would I continue to feel these weird emotions inside me whenever he was near? Won’t I get over my feelings for him? Would I continue to torture myself by stupidly liking this idiot who will soon become my stepbrother?

I squeezed my eyes shut, calming myself. Just don’t think about it yet. Live in the now. Live a little more like what you told him.

Staying composed, I sauntered towards his bed and sat next to him, making sure I didn’t wake him up. Finally, I could do this again without having to sneak in at night secretly. He wouldn’t have those murderous glares my way too even if he found out I got in without his permission.

Out of habit, I his hair gently, carefully. I figured that Sehun was a heavy sleeper after five months of sneaking in and doing this late at night that it didn’t bother me he’d wake up if I did this. So I just ran my fingers through his locks while admiring his sleeping face. What would it be like to open my eyes to him every morning? I knew it was already bad for me that I was touching him like this, yet I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if we met at a different circumstance and we were the ones fated.

“It would have been really nice,” I muttered, only widening my eyes in surprise when I heard myself. Slapping a hand over my mouth in mortification, I silently told myself to get a grip.

He’s not for you.

“You’re not for me,” I repeated it using my lips, this time like a mantra. Sehun was forever going to be always Joohyun’s. Or someone else’s, if he got to move on from her. I was sure that he will not ever look at me with eyes that said he was in love. Those eyes were only for her,

Shaking my head while a soft, dry laugh escaped me, I couldn’t help but be in disbelief that somehow a part of me was wishing impossible things like him liking me back. It would never happen and this was probably a silly thing only coming from me due to my lack of experience in the ‘love’ department.

“I sound so stupid thinking about you almost all the time. How can you do this to me, Sehun?” I told him thoughtlessly—knowing he won’t respond—before pulling the covers over him and leaving him inside his room.

-

The next two days in school were spent preparing for our upcoming school trip to Seoul. Wednesday would have been the big day.

That, very first thing on Monday morning, we were told what to bring, were provided the activities we would have for the two days tour we would have of the city, the curfew, the hotel we would be staying at, and we were asked to be on our best behavior especially on the third day. We were told that if we didn’t know much about Seoul to rather still follow the tour guide if we wanted to spend that day strolling some more in the city. People like me, who knew their way around, were only told to come back to the hotel before the curfew.

I wanted to tell them they didn’t need to repeat everything like a broken record, but I fully understood that not everyone was like me who originally knew Seoul like the back of my hand.

On Tuesday, we were allowed to go home earlier than expected so that we could pack at home. We were told we could bring everything we wanted to with us, but to pack lightly. It wasn’t like we’d be living there for a month, anyway.

But of course, that day wouldn’t end without a little disaster.

Because as soon as I reached my locker, the disaster took form through Sehun’s ex-friends. EX, meaning to say, they were in the past. Past tense. Done for. He stopped hanging out with them after the confrontation with Lisa, though sometimes I still saw him talk to some of them who were pretty decent. But he won’t even hang out with them in the places you’d deem inappropriate for sixteen year olds.

And for lunch, he started sitting with us again. The gang, at this point, had multiplied—just add Luhan, Minseok and finally Seol unnie to the equation. Of course, at first, the other boys were estranged to the sight of Sehun sipping bubble tea next to them after such a long time, but Luhan didn’t forget to fill them in with what happened during the date, saying we two made up. He left the part when he, after all, gave the charm bracelet to Seol unnie after we were gone that day and how something had gone different between them. Whatever it was, if they finally got together, at least it didn’t go unnoticed. Each of us was perfectly aware of how many times the two of them eye-flirted at lunch.

Anyway, going back to the main point, as I was saying, the ex-friends.

I knew they would be there after classes so I went to put my books inside my locker as stealthily as I could. The sad fact, though, was that as soon as I closed my locker shut, hoping I was quick enough not to get any of their attention, I jumped in shock once I saw who was leaning on the lockers beside mine with a cocky smirk on his face.

“S-sunbaenim,” It was the same sunbaenim at the meat restaurant and the same one who slung his beefy arm around me before. I cringed when I remembered everything.

His lips twitched up even further, if that was possible, and he crossed his arms as he looked at me with mischief in his eyes. “You always call me that. But why not just call me by my name since we’ve been seeing each other a lot?” Well, that’s because I never found out your name, boy.

At the background, I could hear his friends cachinnating and wolf-whistling. Whether it was because he was talking to me or because Lisa was glaring at us—or