“Princess,” dad said, pushing strands of my hair behind my ear. I stared at him blankly, not really affected by the endearment he used. It no longer moved me.

Seeing the reaction I had, dad looked regretful as he collected me in his arms. “My baby. Oh, god, what have I done to you?” he sounded almost genuine that I could have loved him coaxing me like this.

But I couldn’t be fooled now.

He had asked for my forgiveness, but it was not easy to forget. He had ruined my family with that woman.  I could have understood him better if he had showed the least bit concern towards me, but he didn’t. It was too late when he regretted. It was too late when he said sorry. I was already numbed out when he did. I no longer needed to hear it. I was fine with nothing but the truth.

“I’m going now,” I announced, trying to push him away. I no longer cared how he would feel.

He resisted, though, begging for me to at least let him hug me a little bit longer. How was that an easy request? I could not stay in one room as him and his without feeling suffocated for too long.

Kwon Yuri was standing at a corner, her hands holding onto her belly as if she was trying to protect from me what was growing inside her.

“I still want you to live with me. Can’t I at least ask for you to visit during the holidays? I—“

“I don’t have to if I didn’t want to, right?” I interrupted, going for a blunt response.

“That the thing—“

“Then I don’t want it anyway,” I said, keeping my tone flat and unaffectionate. “I no longer have a reason to, dad. You’re going to have your own family now and it’s best we cut all ties. You made that clear, anyway. You no longer care about me…or mom. So we’re just going to live pretending we have not ever known you. You do the same.” I made sure to sound dismissive to make the announcement final, an ultimatum, to make him realize he was not going to get me to believe him anymore even if he begged.

“Mijoo-ah, you cannot ask dad something like this…”

“I can,” I pressed, balling my fists on my sides as I tried hard to be strong. “I may be underage, but I know I am old enough to have a sound decision.” I smiled bitterly, thinking that it was them who taught me how to be tough. The experiences I had were unrivalled by my inexperience on social standards. “So don’t press on any appeal for my custody. Mom and I will be able to survive on our own without you. We will not need you or your money.”

He suddenly let out a dry chuckle. I wondered what he was laughing about, but I didn’t dare look any more curious. I wanted to leave this matter at rest for now.

“You’re fine without any support from me? Should I stop sending you and your mom money then? For sure you were only able to survive the past six months because of it.”

I glared at him, not liking the tone he was using. How dare him take us for some low lives who only lived on money.

“Sure. Go ahead. Take care of your money and don’t send me any! What do you even take us for? We’re not your charity case! I don’t need you! You have not even been a real father to me for so long, but look here,” I really took out my anger with him. And dad was surely flustered. I slapped a hand on my chest harshly, uttering, “I was able to survive even without a father.”

His eyes widened. I had not ever raised my tone at any of my parents. It was the first time I was brave enough to argue and feel like I was finally making a point.

My eyes went back and forth at him and Kwon Yuri who didn’t really know what to do. She was on the side utterly dumbfounded. I just raised my voice at dad, at an adult. I disrespected him. But I see more how good it felt to finally say those things out loud.

Dad looked even more regretful upon hearing this from a kid. I didn’t care, though. He deserved all the words I threw at him. He was even lucky I let him speak with me for the last time, though I could have not allowed it. I could have just ignored him and erased him in my life completely. But it was not so simple. He was still my father after all. I just kept on insisting that I didn’t need him anymore, but deep down inside I knew I was going to miss him.

I was going to miss having a father.

“I wish you the best of luck with your life, dad.” I told him before jumping down my bed and picking up the duffle bag I was supposed to carry for my discharge from the hospital.

“I came here to congratulate you, but I guess not really having purely good intentions, I would rather leave you be with your ceremony.” I stood by the door, trying my best not to look back at my dad. “Hopefully, this time, you won’t leave your family for someone else. Please take good care of them from now on. Don’t make your child fatherless, again.”

The door rattled as I pushed it open. Everyone was waiting for me from the other side that they seemed relieved I was out from the dragon’s lair physically unscathed when they noticed me coming out. I was quite aware, though, that I was still emotionally unstable. That any minute I could have broken down in sobs and I wouldn’t know the reason why besides I was heartbroken.

My father broke me again and again.

“Ready to come back home?” Mr. Oh asked with a smile on his face.

I forced out a small smile, nodding. “We should be on our way. It’ll be a long journey home.”

They all smiled.

Mom and I met eyes, but I barely acknowledged her presence. I was still mad at her for many things. All because of those lies she had created to cover up for all my dad’s misses. She must have realized by now how terribly affected I was by her wrong decisions that she tried her best to be considerate towards me. I kept my resolve to ignore her, though. It was probably best to let my anger subside first. I didn’t want to throw another fit. Not to my mother. She deserved nothing like what I threw at my father. Because I knew she just did those things for me. She must have only cared so much to lie.

Sehun pulled me out from my train of thoughts as he snatched away the duffle bag I was holding from my hand and told me I was not going to get it from him that I better not complain or whine. I just laughed, telling him not to let me catch him or else I might really give him a good smacking on the head.

Jongin caught up to me as Joohyun followed Sehun forward, leaving the two of us behind. I was still wary of Joohyun then, though Sehun said he was officially in a relationship with her, that I was not able to ignore watching the two of them get closer. They were finally together. The thought brought me mixed feelings again. I didn’t know what to feel at all.

“You seem seriously disturbed by something,” Jongin commented, nudging my side.

I looked at him, and forced out a smile. “It’s nothing.”

He snorted, shaking his head. He shoved his hands inside his pockets and looked straight ahead. I followed where his eyes were trained and realized that he was actually watching Sehun and Joohyun too. The two were very oblivious of it, but from afar we could probably easily tell the odd chemistry between them that was slowly blossoming.

“They’ve been closer like that since you left,” he said, as if he knew I would like that kind of information. I feigned disinterest, though. “I’m not sure what really changed but maybe what we can see is what is true.”

I felt a small smile grace my lips. Jongin was always perceptive. “What do you even see between those two?” I challenged.

He shrugged, tilting his head at my direction. “Lovers?”

I let out a tiny laugh. He was good at guessing. “If they are, we’d probably need to throw a party to congratulate Sehun for graduating from being a chicken. I guess, now, he has upgraded into being a hawk.”

Jongin cheekily smiled, nudging me. “What? Are you kidding? I’d probably take Sehun for a headless vulture. He’d never let anyone take Joohyun from him.”

I agreed inwardly. Sehun had liked Joohyun for the longest time and it was only natural for him to protect a love like that. It might be long before he even gets tired of it. Or maybe, he might never would and then the two of them could live a happily ever after. At least Sehun wouldn’t end up with the same fate as his father. The thought of it satisfied me, though I was quite aware of the tightening of my chest every time I thought of the future.

If it was decided that Sehun and Joohyun would live happily in the future, then what would become for the rest of us? How were we all going to end up? I wanted to know it, too. It was unfair that I could now easily predict Sehun’s future and yet I didn’t know what it was going to be for me.

That at a point I would admit I was jealous of Sehun again.

So many times I had felt like that. I knew he was more blessed than I was and was more fortunate and I was truly happy about it. But sometimes just thinking too much and comparing myself to him made it even worse to me. Sehun was liked.

And I? I only had him. Maybe mom too.

That I was scared to cling. He made me remember how much attached I got to dad and how that made everything harder for me. If I allowed myself to lean closer to him, would it happen again? I was scared to know. Sehun was like two different things to me at the same time. One moment he was my ball of sunshine, another moment I find myself feeling scared of him. He was beginning to create fear in me.

I was afraid for that fear to grow. I was afraid it’d feed on me.

Because one day who would know if this fear I was beginning to have would be my downfall? I might not be able to stand up again more than seven times I did now. Since he was all I’d got and if I lost him too, I might have no one also to support me at my back.

This thought circled my mind for the rest of the day until I decided about one thing: something has to change.

I have to change.

-

Two weeks later.

Scars had been burned, but never forgotten.

That during the past few days right after hospitalization, I did what has to be done. I cleaned up my room and emptied it of any traces of my father. I threw his memories inside a shoebox and hid it well at a corner of my closet where I would not easily find him—including his pictures, the notes and letters he gave me in the past, the birthday presents, the videos and ringtones related to him had been all deleted too. I made sure to wipe him out of my life, completely, because I wanted to start out like I was a blank slate again, for the third time.

This time, though, I was not going to look back at him or anything related to how I was during my past life in Seoul.

I was decided on changing—that even the walls