To be the cause of the ruin of their friendship was something until now I couldn’t believe. Everything felt like a dream—or maybe a nightmare. Because I didn’t consider myself so capable or so cruel that I was able to bulldoze to absolutely nothing a friendship that was built from stone. I never thought, all my life, I would be able to do such a thing. I couldn’t even hurt a fly!

But feelings were too fragile, that I realized, that sometimes we could unconsciously touch or hurt somebody without intending to. I guess, that was what happened to us. I didn’t think Jongin was not strong enough that I trusted him he would get through it if he got hurt because of me. But it seemed like I trusted him too much. I didn’t think he was breaking apart. The last straw was also my doing. Right when I told him Sehun and I were together.

I’d gone home that day feeling so lost. Mom couldn’t talk to me nor could Sehun. I had shut them out as soon as I locked myself in the darkness of my room and passed out on my bed.

When I woke up the next morning, I was feeling worse I emptied the contents of my stomach in the toilet. I haven’t even had dinner that my throat burnt from the bile that rose to my mouth and I’d sat on the cold tiled floor, crying my eyes out. I felt the need to punish myself for what I had done that I had hit myself harshly in different places and scratched on my arms I scraped some skin off.

The ruin that I caused was so huge I felt so responsible and wrong. And the thought that I trusted someone so much and got deceived made me feel even worse. Now, I lost him against the lies and what I thought was my happiness.

Sehun had found me in a heap of sobs and had me cradled in his arms on the bathroom floor. He’d rocked me back and forth while whispering coaxing words in my ear. I bawled my eyes out softly, crying until there were no more tears to shed. He had waited patiently for me to be calm, letting my weight rest against him until I had stopped.

“He told me everything,” were my first words. I spoke them softly and Sehun nodded, showing he had heard. “I’m sorry he did that because of me.”

But he shook his head, saying, “it doesn’t even matter now that he lied to me. You told me the truth without even knowing anything and that’s what I chose to believe.” He paused, but then admitted, “I’m just sorry I got blinded by his words I realized too late it’s not you who have spoken those words. I’m just sorry I have to lose him, too.”

I shifted in our position and faced him with tired and puffy eyes. “It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have—“

“No, it isn’t,” he interrupted, pressing a reassuring kiss to my lips. I was dazed by the sensation of his brief touch to mine even after we parted. “You can’t blame yourself for the bad decisions he made just because you didn’t like him back. He chose them. You didn’t force him to do that.”

I bit my lip, wanting to believe him, but I still felt guilty. “I just want him back, Sehun.” He wiped the lone tear that travelled down my cheek with his thumb and smiled a sad smile at me. “I want us all to be friends no matter what.”

He tucked a stray hair to the back of my ear and pressed a chaste kiss to my forehead as if it was a promise. “It’s going to be tough to achieve that and it won’t be soon, but I promise we will get him back. He’s still my best friend, you know? I can’t stop being his friend just because he wanted you. Yes, he makes me jealous and angry at some point, but I won’t let that ruin everything between us. I’ll get him back, Joo. We just have to give it some time.”

I was doubtful and almost thought it impossible Jongin would ever want to be friends after all that transpired between us, but I just had to believe in Sehun. Maybe he was right. Maybe we could get Jongin back. We just have to let time heal his wounds.

But when would be the day everyone was going to just be happy again?

“Come down with me,” he said, giving me his hand to hold as he stood up. “Let’s fill that hungry tummy of yours with proper food.”

On cue, my stomach growled as I placed my hand in his. He chuckled in amusement as I stood before him, blushing at the misbehaviour of my food chamber. Why of all times stomach?! But knowing my embarrassment, he stifled his laughter for my sake and hauled me towards him into a warm hug. He rubbed my back comfortingly, telling me once more not to worry too much.

“Let’s get you fed first before anything else,” he said, pulling me out of my room.

When we got down, mom greeted me with a smile despite noticing the dark bags under my eyes. She didn’t ask me anything, but then she was careful with her words as if she knew what I was going through. Perhaps, moms were all like her. They knew something was going on with their children even without them asking and they knew how to comfort them just with their feigned ignorance.

Mr. Oh was quiet, but he was a forever affectionate man, showing me a small smile when I greeted him good morning. He’d asked Sehun and I how our grades were and that was when the attention seemed to divert away from me to Sehun since I didn’t really have anything to worry about my studies. Sehun did, though. And his father was fully aware of his failing grades he even asked me for help to lend some tutoring to his son. I didn’t protest despite Sehun’s whining, because it only meant more time alone with him.

In the afternoon, we’d gone out to the grass field after Joonmyeon’s invitation for a friendly soccer match. Everyone came except for Jongin. They had asked why he was not coming and I worried it was because of me, but Joonmyeon said he had called Jongin’s house and his mother said Jongin was running a fever. I quickly texted Jongin asking how he was and expressed my hope for him to get well soon after that, but he didn’t even care to reply. Seol unnie had done the same and she, at least, got a ‘thank you’ as a response. This made me feel upset, because he was clearly avoiding me on purpose.

“Jongin hardly ever goes sick,” Luhan commented when he noticed the furrow in my eyebrows. “I’m sure he’s going to get well soon enough,” he sounded reassuring to an outsider, but clearly there was uncertainty in his voice that was directed to me.

Seol unnie, who hadn’t caught on to the situation, nodded her head at me, giving me a comforting smile. “Luhan’s right. I’m sure he’s going to be up and kicking by Monday,” she said, closing her arms around Luhan’s.

I was hardly ever used to seeing them act so sweet to each other it was always an occurrence for me to feel too awkward being in the same space as them, but I forced out a smile, hoping that it looked convincing enough to Seol unnie, since Luhan looking like he was not going to buy it.

But then, they had already started nuzzling each other’s noses while whispering sweet nothings to each other the next second as if I wasn’t there. I cringed at how fast the lovers could get into their own world by being so close to each other, as if they were the only two people in the world. It was so to say ‘traumatizing’. That I started to wonder whether Sehun and I would soon become that sickening to look at.

“Ya! Luhan hyung, get your lovely here and let’s finish the game!” Chanyeol shouted from the distance, breaking the lovers apart and catching all our attention.

Luhan scowled, turning to Chanyeol and flipping him off before going back in defeat. Seol unnie was a giggling mess as she watched with crossed arms her boyfriend reluctantly saunter back to the game.

“I’m going to beat you up in this game for ruining my moment with my girl!” Luhan threatened, pointing an accusing finger at the tall giant.

Chanyeol cheekily smirked, running back to join Baekhyun in their team. They whispered to each other and high fived before turning back to Luhan, only to taunt him with teasing grins on their faces. “We’re gonna beat up your , oldie!” they yelled in unison. This flipped the angry switch in Luhan’s childish head and he ran after the rats.

Guffawing, I couldn’t take my eyes off them until I happen to land my gaze at Sehun who was looking at me with a sweet smile on his face. He was obviously watching me, more interested on the expression on my face than his silly friends. I couldn’t help but blush. He had been worried since this morning and I guess the fact that I was finally laughing felt reassuring to him. It soothed my heart, too, to know he had to worry less.

I smiled at him, waving. He waved back, crinkling his eyes in genuine happiness while simply staring at me. And then suddenly it was just like the two of us, not needing any words to express our feelings towards each other. I cringed at the idea of it, realizing that we were already like Luhan and Seol unnie before we even knew of it. It was crazy how late I had realized this.

“Did you know that there’s this glow in your eyes whenever you look at him?” The voice had me startled out of my reverie. For a moment I thought of the words as nothing but innocently curious until I remembered who spoke them.

I froze, staring at Seol unnie with wide eyes.

How?

My heart was pounding in my chest as if it wanted to burst out at the sudden realization of what her words could have meant.

I gulped at the sight of her calm smile. She was too calm I was starting to get more uncomfortable every second I was standing next to her. “Who am I even looking at? There’s no one there to stare at.” I giggled nervously, hoping she bought it.

She smiled, looking across the field at Sehun’s general direction. Somehow she found him interesting as he tried to catch her attention by waving at her too. She waived back at him, her calm smile widening. “Him. Isn’t Sehun a sight to behold? He’s admittedly good looking and I find him attractive, but please don’t tell Luhan this or he’s going to get jealous.”

I laugh nervously, trying to calm my nerves. For a moment there I thought she was messing with my head but then her comment seemed to erase my worry. “Nothing I would tell Luhan. Don’t worry.”

“Thanks,” she said, pausing. “But tell me something. Feed my curious mind.”

“Hm?” I was still smiling as I looked back at her.

“How does Sehun look to you?” I blushed at the question she directed to me.

Immediately I caught myself stammering while trying to fight a blush from blooming on my cheeks. “He’s o-okay, I guess.”

“Oh yeah?” she said teasingly, side-eyeing me.

“Yeah. Not that bad looking… in a cousin perspective” I tried to sound disinterested, even rolled my eyes at Sehun’s general direction to look convincing.

“Hm,” she hummed. “You’re not a really good liar, Joo. You don’t mean that, do you?” I bit my lip, wondering what her point was. But somehow, at the back of my mind I think I knew. “You can tell me your honest opinion about him. I won’t tell. It’s just going to be between the two of us.”

I stared at her for long, a thought finally getting clearer.

He’s the most handsome boy to me and I think I’m falling for him deeper, I wanted to say, but instead I told her, “How did you know?”

Her lips curved up. “Luhan slipped. I’m sorry—”

I gasped, feeling a bit overwhelmed one minute and then annoyed the next. “That guy is so—“

“I’m not going to lie, Luhan’s a bit irresponsible about not keeping this a super secret,” she said. “It was really a stupid slip of the tongue.” How I wish the earth could just swallow me whole. Luhan was so—“But I’m not sorry that I came to know.” That had shut up my messed up mind. I was in a heap of problematic thoughts and what she just said made me totally blank out.

How was she not angry that we lied? How was she taking this so well while I thought I was going to have a panic attack right at this moment? The thought of this secret going out without coming from me or Sehun made me so scared. People better hear it from us than from the rumour mill. I didn’t want things to go out of hand more than they already were.

“You’re not angry?” I was having a hard time to breathe as I turned my attention to her and alternated with watching what the boys were already doing.

“I was, at first. But not at you.” Seol unnie admitted. “I was angry at the situation when I realized what was going on.”

I gulped, looking down at my feet in shame. “I’m sorry for being such a liar.” I didn’t want to disappoint her too, but I guess it was inevitable now.

“Look at me, Joo,”she said, tilting my chin with her index finger. I hesitantly let my eyes wander to hers, but failed to keep contact as I let my gaze focus on the side of her face. “I’m not mad at you, kid,” she said, a flicker of something on her face.

I pursed my lips together, feeling myself want to truly sink down a hole. I was ready for people to be mad at me, but I was not for this. Her reaction was totally opposite of what I was expecting. I was ready for people to lash out at me or slap me, hate me for lying and push me out of their lives, forever badmouth me for being the sly fox that had been a living lie.

Unnie sounded like someone who lost a screw or she was just really forgiving that she had not slapped me yet.

Instead, she had looked at me pensively, a sad, sympathetic smile on her lips reaching out to me as she grasped my hand and held it in between us, her other one going on top of mine with a squeeze.

“Your secret is safe with me,” she reassured me. My panic seemed to subside then, hearing her, but I still had my doubts. “Not everyone is out there to get you, Joo,” she continued when she noticed I was still quite hesitant to let my walls