To be honest, when I called Yoonji, I expected her to be the kind of best friend who would perfectly understand and console me for being such an idiot. She always had. But she didn’t take everything lightly. Not even the fact that I am half as clueless to how much damage I might have possibly done.

I forgot that she was brutally honest too.

“You, what?” she was in disbelief. “But you said to me before you’re not going to like him even just one bit and now—“ She took a pause and I imagined her pinching the bridge of her nose to calm herself—just how dramatic she was. “I get it,” she said. But I don’t get what she was at. “You obviously lied to me. Your best friend.”

I felt extreme guilt wash over me. At that very moment I was ready to fall onto my knees in front of her and beg for her forgiveness. “I—“

“But I won’t judge you. Although I must say I am hurt you have little faith in me.”

“No!” I desperately wanted to let her know it was not my intention to hide this from her. “I just haven’t come to terms with my feelings for him when I told you that.” Then my voice went softer. “I was confused and I didn’t think I should concern you with whatever I was feeling. I mean, I wasn’t really sure yet before whether I truly liked Sehun. In fact, I wanted it erased. I tried and I am still trying.”

There was some silence over the other line, but I knew she was still there because I could hear her soft breathing. She must be thinking of something. And it came out as a faint, ‘why?’

The answer was simple. “I don’t want to do anything about my feelings for him.”

“So you will not let him know?”

I shook my head, forgetting she couldn’t see me. “No.”

She let out a scoff. In disbelief. “For how long have you been feeling that way for him?”

I tried counting the months, but I couldn’t tell. I guess, this had been going on for such a long time and I didn’t realize when I began noticing more things about Sehun until I found myself feeling something for him more than I’d let on.

“I don’t know.”

She snorted. “You’re confusing as ever. But let me ask you, why do you like him?”

I shook my head. “Is it bad if I tell you I don’t know?”

“Really bad,” She said. I frowned. I didn’t understand why was it bad, but then her next words made me feel like I was caught red-handed. “Because shouldn’t that only mean you feel something even deeper for him? If you can’t enumerate the things you like about him. When it’s already beyond explanation. Or if it’s not his pretty face, or not just his voice, or not just his personality that you like, won’t that mean you don’t just like him? You have fallen in love with him.”

My eyes widened and suddenly my heart was pounding a gazillion times in my chest. For how fast my heartbeat got, I thought I was going to have a headache in the morning.

She was right.

My best friend officially caught me. I’d been denying it for as long as I could, but Yoonji could see the easy cracks in my lies.

“Oh my, Mijoo,” she moaned in utter frustration. I knew I was that frustrating. To the point she might what to rip her hair out. “I don’t know what to do with you.”

I smiled bitterly to myself, a hint of sadness starting to creep in my heart. “It’s okay.”

“No. Nothing makes this okay!” she vehemently protested. I almost jumped at how loud her voice was over the phone, but I tried to calm my heart, gazing at Yeri’s sleeping figure warily. Gladly, she didn’t startle like I did. She was still asleep. “You’re not okay. I know you’re not. You cried so many times because of that guy and yet you’re in love with him! How could you…I mean, why should it be him? This just makes everything so complicated and twisted! For one, your mom and his dad are getiing married! Two, won’t that make you siblings?! Three, you don’t want to do anything about your feelings that’s why you’re extremely suffering! You’re crumbling inside, Mijoo! He’s hurting you even if that’s unintentional. Fourth, I know you’re my best friend and I’m truly worried about you now, but what are you going to do with Jongin?”

She sighed loudly, muttering something under her breath that I didn’t catch. “He likes you and who knows to what degree already? What if he’d fallen in love with you, too? You should have just told him earlier what you truly felt. You shouldn’t have just let him wait…and for what? Are you even at least remotely attracted to him?”

I gulped, I didn’t really want to answer that.

“He knows that I like Sehun. He’s been there for me through thick and thin. He lent me a shoulder to cry on and he always tried to help me move on.” I blurted out, trying to rub more salt to my own wounds.

“Oh my god,” she cried. I couldn’t help but feel I really did something very wrong and that made me feel horrible about myself. Perhaps I was really wrong. “And yet you didn’t fall for that kind of guy? Why must it be that idiot Sehun?” I wanted to glare at her for calling Sehun an idiot and for judging him without knowing him, yet I held myself back. I understood that for what Sehun did all this time, he truly sounded like a complete jerk.

While Yoonji was about my very twisted situation, I had to just add, “And you know? Jongin said he would wait. It didn’t matter to him if I took long to learn to like him and the funny thing was, he found out Sehun’s not really my cousin and that I like him. Yet, he still accepted the imperfect, pathetic me. It seemed he didn’t care about the other parts of my life that had scars covering them.”

“Oh my,” I heard the pity in her voice. I didn’t want it, but it was close to getting a hug from her. If only she was here. Right here, right now. “I know you feel bad for him, Joo. I know you’re sorry for him. But you know it has to stop, right? You can’t feel sorry for Jongin all the time. He doesn’t deserve any of that.”

“I know,” I admitted with a soft voice. My guilt was eating me up. “I didn’t plan to fall..for..someone, too, you know?”

“Of course, I understand,” she reassured. “It’s not your intention to get hurt or hurt someone. You’re not a bad person, Joo. I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. But one way or another you must tell Jongin what you truly feel. You can’t make him wait any longer. That will only make matters worse. That will only make you feel even guiltier. I don’t want you to suffer the consequence of it all. “

I nodded at her, feeling absolute tears staining my cheeks. In the dark, I bit my lip to avoid making a sound. The least I wanted was to wake up Yeri because I wasn’t capable of controlling my feelings.

“You’re hurting,” Yoonji said. “And I know the only way to lessen that is to first be truthful to yourself and to the people involved. If you don’t want to be honest with Sehun then try it first with Jongin. I’m sure he is the more understanding one.”

I hope she was right.

-

I didn’t get the very needed sleep I wanted last night. My body was aching, but so was my heart. And the pain inside me was much more tremendous than any physical pain that right after the chat I had with Yoonji, after I’d sobbed my eyes out in the dark, I laid on my bed in silence while staring at the ceiling blankly. I was contemplating my life again.

But this time, I was more concerned what I was going to say to Jongin once I was left alone with him. Do I really have the courage to tell him to stop waiting for me?

So, that was it. I only had two hours of sleep before Yeri woke me up at six in the morning to take a bath. She’d been already out of the shower and was drying her hair when I opened my eyes. There was an evident look of surprise that crossed her when she saw my eyes. They were puffy and I could feel it. There was no denying that I really had a rough night.

“Your eyes,” she muttered, surveying my face. I smiled. I was expecting her to ask if I cried but instead she said, “you didn’t get much sleep, is it?”

I look up to her and somehow I noticed how she kind of avoided my stare. But I didn’t put much meaning to it and smiled at her. “Yeah. I’m not really used to sleeping outside of the comfort of my own room.”

She nodded. “Breakfast is at seven. I’ll wait for you.”

“Thanks,” I said, standing up and fixing my bed before I hit the shower.

I wasn’t like the typical girl that needed an hour to cleanse herself inside the shower that’s why I was thankful it only took me fifteen minutes to bathe and ten minutes to dress up, hair still wet. But I had no time to really dry my hair since I didn’t want to miss the breakfast buffet. My stomach was growling and for sure my mouth was watering at the thought of bacons, pancakes drizzled with maple syrup and french toast. I thought I could eat an elephant.

As soon as we opened our door to get out, though, Yeri and I almost jumped just as the door across from us slammed at someone’s face.

She knocked on the door stubbornly, saying, “com’on Sehun. Why can’t you just give me the chance to fix things between us? You know I am not giving up easily!” Lisa was furious, but she hadn’t seen us yet behind her.

I bet she’d be even angrier if she saw me so I quietly asked Yeri to escape, pointing to the fire exit at the end of the hall. She nodded, understanding, although I was sure she had so many questions since she hadn’t seen this girl threw out her tantrums and blame me for it. I made a mental note to tell her what was happening even though she might never ask me about it, but I just felt obliged to fill her in since she was part of the gang already.

A friend deserved to be concerned about their friends. That’s what I learned through the days I’d been with everyone. It was the one vital point that you won’t get from isolation. Because by being alone you didn’t get the satisfaction of telling someone what you feel. You could only mull over your own feelings by yourself. And though sometimes I still slip to this pit of thinking I could only resolve things on my own, I wanted to finally get over it. I wanted Yeri to do the same. I wanted her to feel that she wasn’t alone. She had us.

“Let’s stay quiet like this so she wouldn’t notice, “ I whispered to her, walking tiptoed. She nodded, joining me.

“You think you can escape me?” The venomous voice behind made me come to a complete halt. I never wanted for her to catch me. To be honest, I feared to be in the same space as her again.

She laughed, disturbingly evil-like. “Trust me when I say I’ll find a way to destroy you. You will not get out alive,” Lisa threatened.

This made me whip around, anger seeping through me at her words. “Do whatever you want. I’m not scared of what little you can do to harm me, Lisa.” I didn’t know where I got the confidence but the words were out before I even got to regret saying them. I didn’t even know why I was waging war even though I knew I was not capable of hurting someone intentionally. I hated fights. Especially, cat fights.

She narrowed her eyes at me as if she was trying to slice me to pieces until I was just submolecular. Then her arrogant lips quirked up into a smirk. That made me gulp. I did it as subtly as I could, not really wanting her to see how terrified I was.

“We’ll see about that,” she said, coming towards me. I just almost wanted to flee as far away as I could from her. But I stood my ground especially when she stopped in front of me and crossed her arms, glaring at me. “I’ll make sure you’ll be running back to your daddy’s arms, crying. I will not forgive you for ruining everything for me, you know.”

“What did I even do wrong to you?” She narrowed her eyes at me and chewed on her lip as she thought of an excuse.

But that was just a clear give away to me. She obviouly didn’t know what she was saying and was only blaming everything on me, because there was nothing else she could blame. But me.

“Everything,” she finally answered. “What did you even tell Sehun that he’s acting like that around me? It’s as if he hates me! I don’t get it!”

That’s when I saw her façade slightly crumble. There were those hidden tears behind her fierce eyes and a part of me pitied her again. At least, that was how I felt before she austerely pushed me down to the floor.

I winced as my derriere hit the carpeted floor that did little to cushion my fall. It was so painful I even thought I broke my tailbone and I had wanted my initial reaction to glare at her for picking at me all the time, but I was concentrated on wanting to ease the pain. Really. I couldn’t even stand.

“Are you okay?” Yeri was crouched down next to me, trying to help me to stand.

“Serves you right. Next time you get in my way this isn’t just what you’ll get—“

“Why don’t you just get it that Sehun doesn’t like you! He doesn’t!” I suddenly had this burst of courage as I said those words. I was never raised to be bullied by anyone so my first defense was to defend myself from anyone trying to threaten me such as her. I was tried of being the damsel in distress. If I had to try again and put up a bravado I would. “I’m tired of watching and trying to keep quiet but you have to wake up Lisa! He already rejected you. So why do you keep bothering him?”

The pain in her eyes intensified, but more than that was anger. I found this real once I found myself being yanked harshly up to my feet without preparing me, her claws tangled in between my wet hair as she forced me to face her. “You’re really getting on my nerves, Mijoo. Say that again and I swear I’ll beat you up right now. I don’t care if someone sees—“

“Do it!” I wanted to screw myself for egging her to hurt me. Yeri was panicking in the background, trying to pry Lisa’s hands away from me, but my enemy surely was strong. She wouldn’t let go no matter how I try to untangle her fingers. “You’re only good at this! Maybe this is the reason why no one can love you, you know? You think highly of yourself and you do what you can to hurt others just to get what you want!”

At this point, I was actually wondering why we hadn’t woken up our neighboring classmates, but then I remember the breakfast I was soon going to miss. They must have rushed down already.

Yet, just as my mind was drifting to something else, which I thought was far more important than fighting with her, I felt the stinging sensation that soon blossomed on my cheek. It was so fast. How her hand carelessly landed on my cheek, effectively rendering me speechless as my head snapped to the side. The impact of her hands on my skin was deafening to hear in the empty hallway.

I couldn’t believe I just got sla