Oh how well you see?
How will you try, How?
However I mean to you now. try
Then I cross a bridge for
Over million reasons to hold on
Hide away with me
Walk away with me

- Glass Bridge, Savina & Drones, Bride of the Water God

**the title of the song is a link. It would be great if you could listen to the song while reading this chapter.

For the rest of the day, I was relatively mourning silently to myself while forcing a smile on my face. I’d laugh at their jokes and participate in the exchange of banters but I couldn’t feel anything close to merriment at all. The smile I’d forced on me would easily slip and I’d have to train it again until it hurt doing so.

Regret was washing over me in huge waves, like a tsunami ready to demolish everything that was in its path. But I couldn’t let them see the obvious, especially Yoonji. I didn’t want her to give me the kind of look that said, ‘I told you so’, and roll her eyes at me. She’d already given me a lot of that in the past and it only made me feel dumber than I already was.

Yet, of course, my perceptive best friend knew this. She wouldn’t miss it. Yoonji would grab every opportunity to slap it on my face how wrong I did. That I shouldn’t have done what I did. And yes she was doing well with her job, but I couldn’t be mad at her for being brutally honest.

I told her Sehun had gone and she kept telling me to stop sulking, which I tried battling against with while we were with the rest. The pain was just winning by a bunch. I knew that I had nothing that could make it disappear. I was weak so was my fragile heart. And despite saying I would get over it in time, now was just immeasurably crushing.

Now was painful.

Now I was dying. Like I was only relying on life support to breathe and anytime someone chose to pull it out of me in mercy, I would heave my last breath, I would feel my last heartbeat.

This was like suicide, I realized.

Death was painful. But losing something was just as much grave, especially if it was because of your own doing. Especially, if it was you who pulled the trigger to your own head. It would leave a hollow feeling.

Sorrow.

Emptiness.

The gravity of it, even if I knew I was about to let go of this love now, was so immense that I felt like I was being crushed. Like I was being run over by a huge vehicle—perhaps (as a personal choice) a humungous truck—in a hit-and-run and my ribs were severely fractured they were poking at my lungs, leading to loss of the capability to breath or to simply live.

Yet, with so many emotions swirling inside me, I couldn’t cry. Either I lost the capability to do so after so many tears that were shed or because I wouldn’t let myself be vulnerable in front of everybody else. Still, crying and letting it out was better than carrying this void in my chest that weighed tons. Tons of hurt. Tons of losses.

“Uhm, Mijoo?” Someone cleared their throat.

I blinked, only noticing that everyone was staring at me. “I’m sorry?”

“Well,” Baekhyun started, scratching his temple. “Everyone decided on traditional Korean food and Yoonji’s taking suggestions. You’re the only one who hasn’t said a word.”

“Oh,” I trailed my eyes down to my fingers on the table. “I honestly couldn’t think of anything right now,” I mumbled, sighing deeply.

I hoped that they would just ignore me and skip me, but expactations just sometimes fail you in the worst of cases. Instead of skipping me, they noticed how something was different and worriedly looked at me.

“Is something the matter?” Joonmyeon asked, brows creased.

I blinked at him, trying my best to calm down my racing heart. Forcing out a smile, I nodded reassuringly despite feeling my best friend already burning holes on my head. “Nothing, really. I just suddenly don’t feel well.”

“You should probably take some medication if you’re not feeling well. Do you want to go back to the hotel, already?” Jongin suggested in concern next to me, but I shook my head at him.

“I’m good. Can’t spoil this day just because I don’t feel that good. Continue on what you’re doing guys. It’s just probably the weather,” I mused, shrugging dismissively.

They went back on sharing opinions about what food to eat and where we should dine, until Yoongi suggested this ramyun shop near their university. We rode a bus and hopped down at the third stop, all this time I was following them like a ghost wandering aimlessly.

Reaching the shop, we sat around a long table. Yoonji was to my right while Jongin was to my left. Yoonji ordered for me my favorite cheese ramyun because she knew I could barely function. It was as if my batteries had died, my powere depleted. I was eating like it was a task, my tastebuds not even knowing the real taste of the food I was taking in. It was to say tasteless, bland on my tongue. Whether I really got sick for saying so or this was an after-effect of heartbreak, I didn’t know.

All I could think about was how hard it was to really move on when you still love the person.

When everyone asked where Sehun was, it was the worst moment. I felt like sputtering out all that I ate and cry. I just wanted to curl in a corner and grieve for days until the pain was out. Noticing this, Yoonji glared at me, but saved me from the situation. She made up some kind of excuse for Sehun that they gladly bought. I didn’t mind whatever it was. Most of the time I just didn’t care what they were doing.

Jongin had looked weirdly at me the whole time but I pretended to be okay whenever he caught me. I knew he already probably suspected something was wrong, but decided against asking me, which I was really thankful for.

Yoongi and his friends were a rawdy bunch. I knew this by experience and I was just glad they were. It really helped cover up for my nonparticipation in the conversations and banters that no longer humoured me.

Taehyung would sometimes smile at me and those few moments made me feel like I was looking at an angel. He just looked so sweet, but it was nothing compared to Sehun’s smile. It would have been actually better if Sehun was the one who was smiling at me. I would have returned it instantly if it was him. Now, I couldn’t do that. Now, I couldn’t smile back at Taehyung.

And if Sehun was here I would probably act like I didn’t want him to be here, knowing that it was normally what I did. Then he would ruin my hair and chuckle at me, that boyish grin spreading on his lips. I would probably blush and mimic his smile. I’d probably fall in love with him even deeper. And he would still not know about this no matter how many times I try to confess to him in silence.

He wouldn’t know about how I feel for him in this lifetime.

He wouldn’t hear me cry out my feelings because I won’t let him.

He wouldn’t ever look my way because he didn’t always try harder to look around enough to find me.

I would never see myself reflecting in those eyes of his. Those pools of obsidian that I had never gotten tired of gazing at.

It’s over, I reminded myself.

It’s over, Mijoo. You’ve done a good job holding back yourself.

But why am I not happy at all?

Why do I regret everything?

Was it wrong to wish my love to be happy? Was it wrong to see him become happy? Was it wrong to let him go? Was it wrong for me to keep hiding? Was it wrong to do this?

What am I even doing?

I stared at my hands and saw the first batch of hot tears streaming down, staining my palms. I blinked, realizing what they were. Why was I crying? This was not supposed to happen. I should be celebrating my freedom from these feelings that were tying me down all these days.

I had worked hard on myself, trying to move on from him; this dangerous love. I’d done a good job hiding. It was what I wanted and yet it didn’t make me happy. Isn’t this the kind of love I preferred? A love that was hidden. However, I didn’t know it would be this hard. No one told me it would be this painful. No, it was worse than painful. It was killing me. It was breaking me. It was ruining me. I hated to admit it but this was truly how I felt right at this moment.

And somehow, while crying softly to myself, a shiver ran down my spine as I wondered about the quotation I read this morning while scrolling down my facebook feed: you only know how much someone meant to you when they are already gone. I had wondered how accurate the words were until this happened. Look how right they were. It was very applicable to my life that I could mock myself with a laugh.

Everything was finally just sinking in now.

The room had gotten silent. I didn’t know. My eyes were blurred by the tears that I couldn’t see their expressions. Then when it suddenly dawned on me how many eyes were staring at my vulnerable state I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed.

“I-I’m sorry,” I mumbled, lips trembling. I jumped off my seat and scuttled out of the shop.

I heard them call for me from behind, but I tuned them out and just ran and ran until I was out of breath. I didn’t know where I was going, but it was as if at the moment this was all that I needed. An escape from reality. Have some moments to myself when I could wallow. Enjoy the feeling of my sorrow without anyone judging me.

Time would heal all wounds, they said.

But when would time heal mine?

Why couldn’t it heal me now? Right at this moment of immense pain?

I shivered as I came into a halt, my lungs extremely worn out at the expense of my futile escape. I panted as I held on to my knees, tears still streaming down my face. This time they were meeting the muddy earth—remnants of them seeping through the cracks, vanishing without a trace.

They were like my feelings for him that would never be known.

I was tired, I thought as I crouched down, hugged my knees to my chest and started wailing like a child. I couldn’t do this anymore.

People were looking at me weirdly, but I didn’t care. It was not their judgement that I feared. It was not their eyes that I was scared of. To be honest, these people didn’t make me feel bashful. Instead, they made me feel braver—for once—to act like a crazy person. I would act like it until my heart was content at the amount of sorrow I wanted to free from my chest.

I would cry my heart out today.

Then tomorrow I’d just smile. I’d smile until my lips hurt.

But for now, yes, I’d let myself bathe in sadness.

Now, I’d grieve over my unrequited first love.

-

While darkness touched every light there was left in the sky to every nook and cranny on earth, I sat by the swing when I realized I had raced towards a children’s park in my breakdown. My tearducts had already gone dry at this point, eyes puffy and lips trembling, snot would come out of my nose, and I’d sniff to take in breaths in my lungs again.

Somehow crying really did me a favor and helped take off some of the weight on my shoulders, but it didn’t pull out the empty void inside me. It was still there, clawing at me. I was still feeling miserable.

“You’re finally done crying, huh?”

I flinched at the sound, almost jumping off the swing in surprise. But then, a hand reached out and held me down in place. I struggled to pull away, but the hand was persistent, the voice was calming me down.

“Idiot! It’s Luhan!” I widened my eyes at him, until I was able to make out his face in the dark, against the single light shining down at us.

“Lu-Luhan?” My lips trembled as it uttered his name.

“Yeah,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “The very person. The only Luhan that would be crazy to chase after you.” I heaved a shaky breath, realizing I shouldn’t be feeling any more anxious. It was just Luhan. He was someone I could be comfortable with.

“We split up to find you, you know? I told them to search in other places while I followed behind you,” he boasted, a smug look on his face. “I did you a very important favor so that you can be left alone. I know you’re thankful. Sure. You don’t have to look like it. It’s nice to be a gentleman sometimes so don’t bother.” He was being cocky again but I didn’t mind. I knew he was trying to only care for me despite the words he chose to use.

I bit my lip, trying my best not to feel even guiltier. “I shouldn’t have ruined this day by crying. Oh god. Since when have you been watching me then?” I asked, laughing dryly.

He didn’t respond, making me snap my head at him when realization dawned. “You’ve been here since—“ My eyes were wide as saucers.

“Since you started bawling your eyes out,” he affirmed, smirking at me.

I looked down at my lap and started kicking the sand below me. I was deeply embarrased he was the one to witness such an ugly sight. “You surely caused a scene. It was like watching a drama on tv where the girl got heartbroken and stuff. You’ll make a good actress, Mimi.”

I bit my lip to stop myself from making a snarky comeback. I knew he didn’t deserve it. Luhan was just trying to make the mood lighter.

“Okay, that’s just a joke.” He chuckled, probably sensing the tension I was feeling, the battle in my head. “People stared at you like you’re a crazy person, but I guess you didn’t care. I was not sure whether to appear in front of you and if that would have been better, but I decided against it, thinking you’d want to be alone.”

There came a pause, as if Luhan was waiting for me to say anything, which I took as an opportunity to use my parched throat. “Thank you.” My voice came out soft and raspy.

He smiled. It was one of the rarest moments I ever said something like that to him. “It’s nothing. It’s the least I can do for you, seeing that my dear cousin probably did something douchy again if you cried that much. What did he even do this time? Does it have something to do with his disappearance?”

“Yes and no,” I said, gulping down the huge lump in my throat. “Yes, it has something to do with his disappearance. No, it wasn’t his fault. This is my own doing.”

“Why?” he asked, staring intently at me, confusion washing over his features.

I laughed bitterly, covering my eyes with a hand. No crying anymore, I reminded myself. “I might have just encouraged Sehun to see Joohyun and get back together with her,” I told him.

Luhan took a sharp breath in. He was probably boring holes on my skull now, thinking how dumb I was. “You did, huh?” he muttered, no hints of playfulness in his voice. “The person who actually called me a coward and might have actually challenged me to confess to the girl I love really did that, huh? So how are you coping? Did it make you feel any better?”

I shook my head, letting my hands fall to my lap. “Instead of helping me move on as you can see, I just had my heart broken even further. I bawled like a kid, right? That already speaks about everything. So much for chivalry.”

He dryly chuckled and started playing with the swing. “So what’s your plan now? Everyone has gone back to the hotel as I told them. I’m sure Sehun will be back sooner or later and you’ll have to face him,” he said.

I huffed out, leaning the side of my head on the thick, rusty chains of the swing. Just thinking about the next possible scenarios was already exhausting enough. “Not looking forward to it. I might just pretend I’m sick and cover my face with a mask so that I wouldn’t have to talk to him or anybody,” I responded lifelessly.

“That’s very original,” he snorted, grinning at me. I scrunched up my nose and looked away, totally pissed he still got the nerve to annoy me. “But if you need any help, I’m a pretty good actor myself.”

“Thanks,” I said dryly, not really caring.

“What’s done is done,” said he. I closed my eyes, trying to let his words sink in. It’s over. Luhan was right. “You can’t take back what you already did and what could have already taken place. There’s no rewind button you can press, Mimi. That’s totally impossible.

But there’s no saying that this is the end for you. Who knows what can happen later? Nothing’s too late. You have all the time in the world for you to live. So live through the pain now and smile later when you can. There’s no rush.”

“Nevermind the judges,” he continued, “They are just spectators of your life. But you are the protagonist of your own drama. You make good choices and sometimes bad. But it doesn’t mean you’re entirely dumb, if that’s what you’re thinking—“

“Well, I am. It has been proven, Luhan,” I muttered, interrupting him.

“Just shut up and listen to my speech. You’re seriously ruining my moment,” he retaliated, scowling at me. I gazed at him, rolling my eyes in annoyance and mouthing ‘whatever’ to him. But he ignored me as much as possible.

“All I am saying is that you’re dumb. Yeah, sure. No big deal,” he shrugged, trying to show nonchalance. “But you’re also brave for doing that.” A pause came and I let his words slowly hit me. “Not many people can be selfless enough to let go like that. It takes a lot of courage to be like you, Mimi. Believe me.”

Silence.

I didn’t think he’d follow up with his words, but Luhan was being so generous today that I was starting to feel warm towards him again. My day had been happy and then went down to being crappy. Now, this person—who I least thought to hear those words from—was now saying such gracious words to spark some life into my flickering flame.

“Sehun would be dumb to let go of such a wonderful person like you. He’ll regret it if he won’t choose you, you know?” His words momentarily pulled me out from a trance. It was the first time I heard him say something nice towards me for once which sounded so sincere.

I pondered about it, but decided against his words. “He’s going to be lucky not to get stuck with me. Joohyun’s just perfect. She’s everything he can ask for. Not me. I’m crappy and stupid and ugly.” I babbled out, not really caring whatever Luhan would say, sticking my tongue out.

“You’re rambling on, you know?” Luhan said, chuckling.

“I know,” I huffed out, closing my eyes.

“But that isn’t the truth. Your words are but futile lies. Why can’t you see how you really are?” I opened my eyes, staring at him in befuddlement. Why couldn’t I understand Luhan?

He was looking intently at me in all seriousness that it was creeping me out. “You have all the answers in front of you, Mimi. And it’s only you that couldn’t see the truth. Maybe you haven’t loved yourself enough that you can’t see it. Maybe you’ve been too used to the sad endings that you no longer looked forward to the happy future. Why can’t you just believe in yourself? Is it too hard to have confidence? Is it too hard to think for once that you are wrong and some things that you think are impossible can also happen? Is it difficult for you to think you can be loved?”

I looked down at my hands, trying to piece his words. “I don’t understand, Luhan. I don’t understand what you are saying.” I told him, shaking my head furiously.

“You don’t understand me because you don’t want to,” he huffed out. From the corner of my eyes I noticed his swing stop from motion. “But hear me out. Isn’t it you who injected in my head that anything is possible?” I listened to him in silence.

“I’ve long given up on my feelings for Seol because I knew my father would want me to take over the business in the future in China. After that trip I had there, that was all he wanted to drill in my brain. Business. Money. Power. Position. It’s all he wanted me to do that I’ve grown accustomed to the thought. Soon, I knew I had to leave her eventually. That’s why before I could even fall harder for her, I tried to cut all ties and stop my feelings. But then, the more I avoided her, the more I yearned for Seol. No matter what. Whoever I was with. She was all I was thinking about. She was all I yearned for.

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