Mom placed the plastic of groceries on top of the kitchen island while I tottered behind her with bags of my own on either hand. “Help me put them away?” she asked, blinking at me with an expectant smile.

I sighed, nodding with a flat expression. “Okay.”

This wasn’t the ‘girls day out’ she had promised that I was expecting this weekend. I thought we were going shopping and go sipping coffee or tea at a café while gossiping about anything and everything under the sun. But, of course, mom being mom, she just had to ask me to go grocery shopping to fill in our fridge and cabinets. She was too practical to a fault.

After all the things that happened for the past weeks—the trip, dad, Jongin, Sehun—I thought this was probably going to be the best getaway to clear my mind and think real hard what I should do next. But obviously mom had other plans. Her plans with me consisted of bonding over clearing all the groceries.

The clearing of one’s throat put me out of my thoughts. I turn my head and saw mom’s tentative smile directed at me. “So, how are you?” she asked.

Was this her way of catching up with me? “Fine.”

It seemed like that wasn’t the answer she was expecting that she scrunched up her nose a bit—now that I saw it, I realized I might have gotten the habit from her. “Fine?”

“Fine” I seconded.

She nodded, tucking strands of hair behind her ear. Seeing the action made me realize how mom only seldom let her hair loose. Most of the time she had it neatly tied into a bun for work, making her look a lot more serious and…older. But with this look, with her hair hanging freely around her face and past her shoulders, I noticed how a lot prettier my mom was. She was a hundred times better with it.

“Do I have something on my face?” she asked, patting her face, but I smiled for the first time thar day and shook my head.

“I just thought you look pretty with your hair down,” I said, looking down, pulling out cans of mushrooms and spam.

Silence engulfed us until I heard her make a sound, something similar to a stammered ‘Oh’.

Looking up, I saw a blush come up her cheeks. It made me crinkle my eyes. I didn’t think mom would still get flustered at this age. “You’re blushing.”

She shook her head, turning her head to the packet of spaghetti noodles on the counter, putting it away at one of the top cabinets. “I haven’t heard anything about school. How is it going?” she asked, ignoring my comment. Obviously, she wanted to stir the subject away from her.

I shook my head. Typical mom. “”It’s fine. My grades are still in top shape.”

“That’s good,” she agreed. “You never disappoint me on that matter, that’s why I don’t really worry about your grades. But what about friends? Any crushes?”

I blushed. “Friends? You know everyone,” I said softly. “Sehun’s friends are mine.”

She nodded understandingly. “Crushes?”

I huffed out. “Mom.”

“Joo?” she mimicked the tone I used and smiled.

I wasn’t really keen on broaching the topic because I didn’t really want to lie to her or blurt out anything that might ruin everything. “I don’t like anyone,” I lied.

Right at this moment, we heard the high chair next to me screech against the tiled floor. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed who just sat with a lazy yawn. A mop of brown hair entered my line of vision, but I ignored the loud pounding of my heart that echoed even in my ears as the person rested their head on top of their folded arms on top of the island.

Mom noticed Sehun, too, like I did, but she just smiled at his direction and let him be while I felt like bolting out of the kitchen after he came. I ignored the feeling and got back to putting away the groceries, moving around to place them in the right cabinets.

“You said you don’t like anyone, but what about you and Jongin?” she asked and at the same time I instinctively gazed at Sehun, but he hadn’t even moved at all. Maybe he was sleeping again even after he had the whole morning to himself.

“We’re not a thing, mom. He’s a really good friend, though,” I told her, trying to keep a straight face.

She scrunched up her nose again and pursed her lips. “He’s a really nice boy, I know. He cares a lot about you, too. And I do think he’s going to be great boyfriend if you—“

“Mom,” I groaned.

She looked up skeptically, wondering what she said wrong. “What?”

“It’s nice that you think well of him mom,” I said, pausing. I wanted to tell her the truth but why did it feel so wrong to be so straightforward and tell her I didn’t really like Jongin that way?

Mom must have sensed the hesitance I had that her face softened, as if understanding what I was feeling. I knew she wanted me to confide with her about it, but didn’t push me. Yet, feeling the need to just let it out, I opened my mouth to tell the truth.

“But,” I furrowed my eyebrows on my hands that had lowered on the counter. Suddenly my nails that Seol unnie had painted with light blue nail polish looked more interesting. “Is it going to be a crime to admit that I don’t like him that way?” I uttered the last words so softly that they were almost a whisper.

Silence enveloped us again.

I didn’t really want to see mom’s reaction that I lowered my head, trying to avoid her gaze. I knew she was probably looking at me anyway and I didn’t want her to guess what I was thinking by looking through my eyes.

“No.” She clarified herself when she saw the stupefied expression on my face when I didn’t understand her the first time. “No, it isn’t a crime. But you shouldn’t make him wait for too long. Tell him what you truly feel if you don’t like him that way.”

I did that, mom. But Jongin was just one stubborn boy. He wouldn’t lose or go down without a fight even if what I only do was hurt him all the time.

“Is there someone else that you like?” I looked up, blinking. Then she added, “I mean, is there someone out there for you? That you can’t like Jongin?”

Mom hadn’t been the kind of mother to talk me out about my love life or boys before. She just always allowed me to drown in my books, hoping that I’d focus on my studies instead of kissing someone and getting pregnant like she did when she was a teenager. That’s why I hadn’t really been expecting this question to pop out from .

I knew the stories about how she had me while she was a junior in college and she said it wasn’t really the best experience she had. I mean, who would even enjoy trying to raise a child while trying to survive college? It was probably the worst time for her and dad when they had me. But if ever there was a time they felt like crap because of that, they never voiced it out before. Maybe they didn’t to not hurt me. But now that I looked back to that time, it made me wince and sometimes wonder what it was probably going to be like if mom just didn’t marry dad and just waited a bit more after studying to have her own family.

“You’re spacing out, hon. Something wrong?” Her worried face was what first greeted me when I snapped out of my trance.

I quickly shook my head, now noticing Sehun also blinking at me in worry. I could tell there was this urge for him to wrap his hand around my arm and make me face him, but I ignored him the best I could and composed myself.

“Actually,” I said, hoping I didn’t give away too much by being a little bit more honest. Well, this wouldn’t be the entire truth, but I guess I owed mom that much. “There’s this someone I like.” I swiftly trailed my eyes to peer at Sehun and noticed the small smile on his lips when he heard this. Again, I blushed, looking away, hoping mom hadn’t really caught on to anything.

Mom had bugged me about the person that I liked but I didn’t cave in, giving her the teasing grin when she finally gave up before dinner.

-

Everything seemed perfectly normal after we went back from the trip. Except for one thing that changed after that night.

I still remembered how it went after the confession and the soft, innocent kiss we shared. His long lashes fluttering against his cheek as he lazily opened his eyes to look down at me with tenderness. There was not much I knew about love to know what that look on his face meant, but I could tell that Sehun genuinely liked me. He definitely did. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have had the guts to kiss me when I was ready to pull away and forget everything.

I was at lost for words, being that my first kiss, that I just let him cradle my face and let him press his forehead to mine as if he was cherishing the moment. So many things were on my mind, but my conscious blocked them out, giving myself a chance to do the same as him. We closed our eyes and stayed in that moment—as if it was frozen in time. As if it was going to be the last. I had become afraid that it would, that I furrowed my eyebrows together, feeling the anxiety sink in.

“What’s wrong?” Sehun had asked when I tried to wiggle out of his hold. He must have noticed my anxiety since I didn’t really take the effort to hide it.

Suddenly the magic spell had been broken.

And I was back to doubting myself and the situation. “I’m not sure we’re not making any mistakes by doing this,” I said, half whispering, his hands were still on the sides of my face, holding me close.

I could feel the tension in his body gather, a soft huff coming off his lips, his breath mingling with mine. Everything about him was warm just like his personality that I knew despite me being really against the idea of us being together, he was still not mad. Annoyed but not mad at my persistence.

“How is liking someone a mistake?” I fidgeted at the sound of his voice. He had a very good point, but I didn’t want to tell him yet since I was trying to make my own point. “How is me liking you or you liking me going to be a mistake?”

I raised my hands to hold his that were still on the sides of my face and squeezed. I pulled my face away to look him in the eye even if I could guess the pain in his eyes. “If only we met under different circumstances,” I said. “It would have been easier.”

“This,” I continued, shifting, to look around me. “Is the happiest memory I’ll ever have in my sixteen years.” A small, sad smile came to my lips as a soft breeze enveloped me. I closed my eyes again. “I will not ever forget it even if our parents marry soon. I will not ever forget you once liked me.”

“What are you even saying,” his voice was a desperate whisper.

I pried his hands away from my face and brought his and mine in between us—his were still in my clasp. “We can’t be together,” I told him, letting my eyes look into the darkness behind my lids. As much as I could, I didn’t want to see the broken look on his face as I refused his heart that he was offering to me with open arms. “You know better than anyone else that we can’t. Once our parents finally got married I’m pretty sure you and I—and besides, even if we—“ I gulped the lump that was building in my throat again. “We’ll have to keep us a secret to the world for the rest of our lives if we even—“

“I don’t care!” He hollered, I opened my eyes, shocked at his outburst.

“Who even said I will want to keep you a secret to the rest of the world? Of course, no! I’ll find a way for us to be together and for everybody to accept us,” he declared, his tone softening, his hand pulling me to him, his arms cradling me back to his chest, my head resting on his shoulder.

I closed my eyes, a lone tear escaping. “We’ll be regretting this.”

“You only think that,” he said. “I won’t. So, you better change your mind.”

A part of me wanted to tell him to stop saying words that made me want to hope that it was possible for us to be together, because it was complicated enough now in our situation. He was making everything even worse by wanting to be with me. But then another part of me—that stupid half of me—pointed out how life had never been really so simple for me, so why avoid this kind of complication?

Normal wasn’t my life anyway. So why not?

How much would it hurt to be with the person I love? I guess it was better than feeling alone, broken and empty all the time. It won’t hurt as much as when I’d seen him with different girls.

“Okay,” I breathed out, finally waving the white flag.

That night, it was not just Sehun and Mijoo anymore, but us that happened.

-

The only people that knew about us after that night were (1) Luhan who had caught us hugging and forced us to get going back to the hotel due to the curfew in 30 minutes; and (2) Yoonji, who called me so late at night while Yeri was fast asleep, begging for details.

I had given Yoonji the briefest account of what happened minus the embarrassing drama that I’d started and minus the kiss that Sehun and I shared. I knew it was a very important milestone to share to your best friend especially if she was just as eager as her in learning about everything about my ‘thing’ with Sehun, but I was too embarrassed to share something so personal—not even to her—so I left out the part about the kiss. I wanted it to be only between Sehun and I; not unless he’d speak about it to Luhan. I was afraid he would if ever his cousin asked, but I kept my lips shut, not really wanting to speak about that one memory that would make me profusely blush. Just thinking about the mere brush of our lips already made my heart beat a million times worse than before.

Anyway, since we parted, Yoonji had been calling me more often to interrogate me about Sehun, but really, nothing much happened after that so I didn’t know what to tell her besides the occasional hugs that Sehun initiated whenever he could (and which on several occasions I was bent on dodging—which truly upset him but never stopped him from giving me more) and the uncharacteristic generosity and care he now showed me more than he did before.

Sehun was a hundred times worse in showing affection than I was. I mean, he was really good at keeping a relationship and keeping me happy while I at it. I didn’t know if trying to show him a sweet smile—which sometimes turned to an awkward one—or hugging him back was enough affection to equal his’. I was new to relationships so I didn’t really know if I was doing anything right. He was more experienced in this that I let him lead and always sought for the look of approval on his face to know I did something satisfying or enough for him.

Being just at the start of the relationship, I was really glad that he didn’t push me to do anything that I wasn’t ready for yet or rushed things—like kissing him again or initiating it for that matter. I wanted to share another kiss and was really dreaming what it would feel if we did it again, but my stomach always felt sick whenever I thought of it even happening. Just that, the feeling it gave me was overwhelming and I was not really good at handling it.

I knew that he was the kind of guy that wanted to always be close to the girl he liked and I could see it in the way he always looked at me or touched me; his eyes always drifting down to the shape of my lips whenever I talked, his arms always instinctively wrapping around me whenever we were alone, his hands always clasping mine at our stolen moments. I could tell that he would want to do more couple stuff with me, but he was being careful around me—making sure his touch or words wouldn’t burn me too much. And I thanked him in my head all the time for being very considerate. Every little thing he did for me meant so much to me.

Luhan would often teasingly look at us both at the cafeteria whenever we’d sit on the table side by side. He knew that under the table we’d hold hands, not to mention the several occasions I’d feel Sehun rest his hand on my knee or let his leg touch mine in his own possessive way sometimes.

It unnerved me and embarrassed me, the look that Luhan kept giving us, that I’d become quieter at the table; that was to stop myself from blurting out something stupid. Our friends surely noticed something different in the air, but didn’t really voice it out, just let me be. And I was glad that they were not saying anything, because I wasn’t sure if we were that subtle enough for no one to point out that Sehun and I liked each other in a romantic kind of way.

However, the weird and subtle in our relationship was broken for the first time after two weeks. It was during another lunch we were sharing with our friends when it happened.

The table was bursting with laughter that day. Sehun and I were holding hands under the table while joining them in teasing Luhan and Seol unnie. We had been asking them questions and the boys—especially Baekhyun and Chanyeol—were barking up some innuendos that made Luhan sputter out the food in his mouth and made Seol unnie cough up the drink she’d been hell bent consuming the entire time the spotlight was on them.

“Christ,” Baekhyun was laughing, his shoulders shaking furiously. “I didn’t think the day that you two would sleep together would come. But I guess, with the flustered look on your faces that you already did it!”

I wasn’t particularly liking the topic about someone else’s intimacy, but these boys were surely fine with it that us girls had to be forced to hear it—even if they considered it a joke. My ears were turning red at the thought of Luhan and Seol unnie doing things that were beyond my imagination. I just couldn’t look at them that way. Maybe hearing the sweet things was enough. I just didn’t want my mind to be polluted with the dirty stuff. They could keep it to themselves, you know.

To my relief, Luhan had the decency to deny the claim. “We haven’t! And even if we did things, it’s none of you brats’ business!” he burst out, his face red from anger instead of embarrassment.

But the boys didn’t seem fazed. Not even Sehun—who had been covering my ears, saying it was his way of preserving his dear cousin’s (my) innocence—could stop his laughter. What made Luhan, his cousin, embarrassed was one goal fulfilled for him so he just took all the chances he got to laugh at the older.

“But why is your face so red?” Jongdae mused, adding to the pun, a teasing grin coming to his lips.

Luhan’s face became even redder, if that was possible. “I’m not!” he denied, but it was useless. He couldn’t hide the unfortunate giveaway that was on his face.

“Yeah, right. Go lie to yourself, hyung,” Jongin joined in, waving a dismissive hand.

Joonmyeon sighed, not really interested in making his hyung’s life a bit of hell that day. “Guys, stop embarrassing them. You don’t want them