I can’t remember the times that I really begged so desperately from someone. I was the kind of person who valued pride more than anything, after all. Begging was the last option to me. Or perhaps it was not even an option for me. Before.

“Can’t you stay?”

But ever since I knew Sehun and grew to care for him, begging seemed nothing not normal. Just like the many times I begged the divine to give me one more day—each time—to spend it with him before I move on. I didn’t know how many times I silently prayed for that one thing in my life that I was not able to keep count. Perhaps I did it so often god kept punishing me.

“At least, even just for Sehun.” I could not believe what was coming out of my mouth.

I knew it might look like such hypocrisy coming out of me how much I was begging Joohyun to stay because of Sehun while I also harboured feelings for him that was more than a friend’s or a cousin’s or a sibling’s. But if this was the only way to make her stay and not hurt Sehun, I would be willing to beg her many, many times.

I’d already hurt my own pride countless times because of him anyway.

“Haven’t you thought as far as how leaving him like this would hurt him so much?”

Her lips trembled as I made her think. I knew that she had clear feelings for him and making her realize this and how much she would regret if she left would somehow make her resolve crumble.

“What are you going to do if he gets hurt because of you? How are you going to take responsibility for it?”

Her face was slowly twisting to that of regret. I saw her lips quiver and her eyes turn glassy. There was no doubt I was doing a very good job.

I was not sure before whether Joohyun truly liked Sehun. But after the few months of observation I did, I was convinced that somehow Joohyun also felt something for Sehun. It might not really show—and I might not be close to her and didn’t completely understand her—but I thought I was a good judge of character to know when someone was sincere to others. Some might never know this about Joohyun, but I do have a feeling she fell for Sehun one way or another.

Who wouldn’t?

Sehun might be rough on the shell but he had a lot of charms. He was born in a not-so-perfect family and learned to rebel at such an early age but his heart was as great as gold. He was very kind, very caring, and very admirable behind the stoic façade. Not so many could see this, but if you’re going to be someone who would learn about all his perfections and flaws, you’d realize—over all—he was not that bad. At least, he was not too good to be true. Just good enough as a person.

“I’m tired of—“ Hearing Joohyun finally speak, I was thrown back to reality. Here we were standing in front of Joohyun’s grand mansion on a very gloomy afternoon. The sun was about to set and the sky above was an amber shade dome.

She paused and inhaled deeply before saying without any remorse, “Why do I always need to think of others’ feelings? Why must I always take responsibility if they would feel upset or sad or mad on whatever decision I made? Don’t you think it’s unfair to me too?”

“What’s so unfair about thinking of how would others feel too?” I questioned, not really getting her point.

What was so bad about thinking about people who care for you? What was so hard about it to her?

I was beginning to feel frustrated at how selfish Joohyun was becoming. She was the least person I’d ever think to hear these things from. What happened to the kind, enduring, and flawless Joohyun? All I thought the girl was perfect and she’d do anything for the people she loved. But why was I seeing this side of her? I knew that there were a lot I did not know about her, but I didn’t think it was to this extent.

That when I saw the first tear on her eyes as she looked at me intensely with that crumbling façade she always had, I didn’t know what to feel.

I guess, there were just points in our lives when we’d finally get tired and come wearing off our masks. And to her, this was that time.

“All my life I did nothing but try to please everybody and try to be perfect and not disgrace my father’s name who was the mayor of this town. My mom always scolded me if I made the slightest mistake. People talk behind my back and yet I couldn’t get angry at them because I had to think of the repercussions of my actions. I was told that I could not show any weakness because that would give others opportunity to bring me down so I have to always be on guard and know who I should trust. I’d been doing this all my life and I can’t anymore. Am I not allowed to feel tired?

“I’m so sick and tired of this life. For fifteen years I’ve been living like a fool. Always setting aside my dreams for the dreams of others. But for how long should I continue living like that? How long should I do things that I don’t like?”

I did not know what it was like to be Joohyun that was why I did not know how to comfort her that day. Sure, I did have a fair share of my own problems—divorced parents, a doting mother who made me do things she wanted me to learn, a father who stopped truly caring for his family, a messed up new life like what I had—but I was not like her who did things because that was what she was told to. Early in life I was not always the obedient robot like she was. I had times when I also rebelled too. There were also times when life was somehow fair and at least I was given choices. Unlike her.

Her glamorous life as the daughter of the town mayor was surely a very shallow façade that probably made the real Joohyun suffer emotionally. It might not be seen through her beautiful shell, but perhaps Joohyun had been just as empty all along. Life was not as good to her as others thoughts. We were all too busy noticing her good features that we missed taking the chance to look beyond that.

“I’m so tired.” It was the umpteenth time I heard Joohyun say those three words and it was only then the weight of her words hit me hard. She must have been really, really tired to the point she just wanted to to find escape.

“I know people who care for me and trusted me would get hurt by some of my decisions. But what I think is that if they truly care and trust me they would understand why I did things. The reason behind it should be clear to them even if I don’t say a word.

Sehun would understand if he truly loves me.”

That was what I didn’t understand. When she said Sehun should understand her decision if he truly loved her, it made me utterly frustrated. Why should he understand? Couldn’t he get hurt by her decisions and disagree with them? What was love even like to her? Did it mean that if someone was in a very sticky situation or in danger or let’s say in Joohyun’s case in the brink of losing her one dream Sehun should endure alone and that he should suffer alone?

“I don’t know much about whatever that kind of love you know, but doesn’t it always only work with two persons in the relationship? You can’t decide for Sehun, Joohyun. He should decide for himself. He has feelings too, you know?”

Joohyun clenched her fists on her sides.

I pity Joohyun very much. She was a girl with many dreams but her family always broke her wings even though she badly wanted to fly so high above. I knew that she was not very fond of the town I had learned to love and we might be one of those people that kept tying her down in one place, but was it hard to empathize with the people she would have to leave? Why couldn’t she put herself in the shoes of the one that loved her?

“Don’t hurt him,” I said, feeling my chest tighten just at the thought of how possibly broken Sehun would be if ever Joohyun thought of the worst decision to leave. “If you do, I will never forgive you.”

I couldn’t help but glare at her. The threat didn’t come off as strong but I was saying the truth. I would forever hate her if she ever hurt Sehun too.

Joohyun, however, snorted, unperturbed by my threat. She still had that air off pride despite being broken and angered and those tears that already dried on her cheeks. She must he a storm of emotions, but I was eager to stir those emotions up if that would return her to wakefulness.

“Who are you to say that?” she said with spite, though her voice came out soft. “You’re just his cousin so why do you care so much about him? And why do you even meddle with a relationship that isn’t yours?”

Hearing her made it even more difficult for me to breath. I was in the brink of exploding that my clenched fists shook on my sides in utter anger. I’d never been so angry at anyone because of someone.

“I may just be his cousin,” I drawled out. A tear rolling down my eye. “But he’s very important to me. If you hurt him too like his mother did to him, I won’t just sit back. I promise I’ll do everything to hear you say sorry to him for what you’re going to do.”

I could not contain my emotions anymore that I turned around, about to leave her be so she could think for herself, but not without giving her a final word.

“If I can’t really stop you from leaving, please do it properly so that it would be less painful for him.” I said that but I highly doubt that anything she said would be less painful to Sehun. That boy had been deprived of love from his mother. Now, this girl, too.

I left without looking back. I couldn’t let her see me crying.

Mom told me I was not always a crier. But if I did, I was really loud it would tear down the house. But then again, it was not often so my family was spared of my tears most of the time. Mom said I was a very strong girl and I would only cry if I felt the situation was really, really, really unfair for me.

But now, I was grown up and my cries were more often but were never loud. Perhaps I could already be screaming inside, but my voice was too small to be heard. I became too weak. Yet, what only didn’t change was that I still felt how unfair the world was to me.

I could do nothing.

-

Graduation came by in a blur while I was a mess stuck in a corner, pondering about the upcoming days and waiting for dooms day to come.

Hats went flying in the air as we were announced graduates, cheers errupted like it had never been, words of congratulations were exchanged and buttons were ripped off guy students’ uniforms due to the superstition that became really popular ever since Bang Mina from 3F told the girls about the story of her unnie in college getting together with her crush in high school after fighting for the first button of his uniform.

It was a common thing in my old school in Seoul, too. But I never needed to fight for someone’s button. I was not infatuated with anyone in the past, anyway, and I didn’t want to fight for some measly button for the sake of some love story most girls daydream of happening to them in the upcoming year. I was not desperate to get one.

But looking at one part of the yard after the long ceremony, where Sehun and Joohyun happily stood in their togas while exchanging their first buttons, I could not help but feel an uncomfortable feeling sit in my stomach.

“She even exchanges buttons with him like she’s trying to promise a long lasting love and yet she’s leaving,” I muttered to myself, feeling still spiteful at Joohyun.

Why does she have to act so in love when she was sooner or later go