How do you set things back in motion if at one point you had experienced a complete, seemingly irreversible stop? What makes a person breathe again? What makes us feel again? What makes us keep on living?

I had these questions in my head while lying on my bed in the hospital room I was confined in. The room was dark and it was the most perfect time to ponder. I wasn’t alone in the room now since mom had occupied the couch and Sehun, Jongin & Joohyun had camped on the floor to sleep (I was not sure though how were they allowed), but the silence accompanied by their soft snores made me wide awake.

It hadn’t been a dream that they were all here for me and I felt like I became better just by seeing them. They had apparently come together after Sehun had learned the news about me from mom and Mr. Oh. He insisted on coming although his father said not to concern himself so much since it was something the adults could only handle. They surely didn’t trust him because he was just merely an adolescent. But perhaps a little more insistence and stubbornness to want to be here granted them the permission to tag along.

That it amazed me how dedicated Sehun was despite that this was me. He could have stayed back and waited. He could have not cared. He could have just left it as it was and then welcomed me back warmly after the terrible storm had passed.

He truly made me feel special. They all made me feel rather special. The fact that they came was already a take away. I could have not asked for something else than their presence, than them being here when I most needed it.

But there were these moments when I still felt so alone and lost even with them around. Moments when I knew I kept getting stuck in one place. It passed and came back in waves every once in a while.

Dr. Geum said that I shouldn’t feel this way. But was it really necessary to move on? Couldn’t someone wallow in his or her own misery for as long as it might take?

I had slipped out of the room at midnight while thinking of those questions I still had. The thing about my personal issues had been answered. They might not ever be resolved, though. I would rather let things remain the way they were now. I didn’t want dad in my life anymore. I didn’t want to get involve with him anymore. And who knew if I even cared for him at this point. No, perhaps, I didn’t anymore. Maybe I got tired.

That old man is such a scam. And I, a too gullible kid.

I had fallen victim to the setup my mom had created for me. She sure was good at pretending and making dad look like a good person to me. Why she did that was a mystery. I didn’t know how much she still loved him that she went to the extent of telling me this and that, especially telling me not to hate him even though he was making her suffer all the time. I didn’t understand her even though she was my mother.

The balcony in the floor seemed like a pretty good spot to spend some time alone. I sat on the wooden bench and caught sight of the midnight view of Seoul.

Ah, Seoul.

I used to love this place. But now that everything’s a mess and now that this place only brought me painful memories, I didn’t think I would keep coming back to this place in the future although I knew I left some people behind, here. Hopefully, Yoonji would understand it if I did that. Because I felt like it would be long until I was able to move on from my ugly past. This present. How could I even? I didn’t even know now what to do next.

“There you are.” I flinched, hearing the ragged voice of a familiar male and his laboured breathing made me turn my head around quickly.

Right at the entrance to the balcony was a still huffing Sehun. He glared at me as he approached the wooden bench I was sitting on. I cowered, seeing the annoyance on his face even as he sat next to me. I even took the initiative to move away and maybe avoid his nagging, but he just abruptly pulled on my arm to bring me closer, causing for me to yelp as I landed on him, hands pressed to his chest.

Looking into his eyes, it only dawned on me a little later how close our faces were that we had only blinked at each other as he supported my weight with his hand on the small of my back. I was so flustered that I could feel my cheeks slowly glowing a faint hue of red that hopefully the darkness was able to cover. He pushed me away slightly and I didn’t expect it that I almost slipped off the wooden bench, glad that his reflexes were fast and he was able to hold my wrist and move me back in place.

“S-sorry,” he told me as we slowly tried to overcome the awkwardness.

It had only been a week since we last saw each other and I felt like something changed between us even though I didn’t know what it was. Did Sehun grow taller? Was it something about his appearance that changed? Or his deepening voice? Did I grow a few inches? Or did the time we got separated made each other’s presence feel a little alienating, like it was the first time we met again?

“It’s okay,” I said, laughing. “But that’s awkward.”

He turned my way, having that look as if he was surprised by what I said. “Something wrong?” I asked, wondering about him.

He shook his head unsurely, but I took it as his most certain answer anyway.

Silence.

I closed my eyes while waiting for him to speak. But Sehun remained silent. It was only then I was beginning to feel a little frustrated about him that I opened my eyes to ask him why had he come here.

“What brings you…here?”

He shook his head immediately, not elaborating.

“What do you mean by shaking your head? You should have a reason for looking for me,” I deadpanned.

Sehun shook his head again. “Is it wrong to look for you for no reason?” he asked, stretching his legs on the floor.

I stared at him hard for having the cocky attitude on me. “If you do something for no reason that doesn’t even make any sense at all why you’re doing it.”

He nodded, saying, “exactly.” There was a pause before he continued, “that’s why it’s frustrating why I don’t understand why I couldn’t stand waiting for you and came here. I didn’t know what has gotten to me.”

I felt myself become moved by his words. Because it seemed to me that Sehun coming here meant more than him waiting at home for me.

“It is funny how come a person could feel these things that we don’t know what are and still move us to do something nonsensical and yet it can make us feel like it is the rightest thing we ever did.” I uttered out, causing this questioning look to grow on his face.

I concluded that Sehun had not understood what I said since he seemed stuck on pondering too much about the meaning to my words that I was not able to hold back a laugh.

“Don’t think about it too much.” He snorted, finally showing that relieved smile on him as he shook his head at me in disbelief.

“You’re impossibly smart.”

“And you’re impossibly dumb.”

“Mwoya?!”

I laughed, seeing him seethe with anger.

But instead of getting a flick on the head, he launched himself towards me and ruffled my hair so hard until it was already a mess. I retaliated, messing his precious hair, too. I knew how much he loved styling his hair that now it was a bigger loss for him that I had ruined his hair. He kept whining while I guffawed with tears in my eyes. He looked so funny it was hard not to feel so happy for no reason. I could cry in happiness.

“Now I think coming here is really a good decision,” his blunt words sent me into silence. My laughter died down and I looked at him in wonder.

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