My steps echoed within the hallways. I just came back from the café carrying hot drinks for me and my members. I looked up and saw Donghae. He was coming towards my direction. I stopped walking and stared at him, hoping to see his face light up with a smile or even just a friendly hug.

He was coming closer and closer.

Only a few meters away

And then…

He passed by.

No smile, not a single word, not even a glance.

Even though I tried not to, tried my very best. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t stop my tears from spilling. I couldn’t stop myself from dropping the drinks and I couldn’t stop myself from falling on my knees.

I heard footsteps coming towards me and a spark of hope ignited in my heart, I looked up and saw not what I was hoping for but it was fine. Kibum knelt down in front of me and started to wipe my tears with his handkerchief but his effort were useless because my tears wouldn’t stop flowing.

He finally gave up, threw away his handkerchief, and enveloped me in his arms. I cried more and more.

==
“You can no longer deny it.” Kibum stated

“Deny what?” I asked

“That you’re in love with Donghae.”

I looked at my hands. He was right, it was no use trying to deny it anymore. I slowly nodded my head.

“What did I tell you before? You were only going to get hurt.”

I wasn’t even in the mood to feel annoyed at his lecture.

“What can I do? Can you really stop the heart once it starts to beat?”

Aware of Kibum’s stare, I smiled “Maybe this is the best. Maybe this way I could forget about him and move on.”
I’m so pathetic. Why am I even trying to convince myself everything’s going to be alright? I was only making a fool of myself.

During the practice, I kept making mistakes to the point that it made the trainor angry.

“If you’re not going to concentrate, it’s best if you just leave.”

“Sorry.” I responded tonelessly, I picked up my bags and left the room. Ignoring the fact that everyone was looking at me worriedly.

I kept on being distracted at practices, either forgetting the steps or bumping into members all the while saying sorry in a feeble voice. The day before the actual performance I didn’t even improve by a bit so the managers had no choice but to remove me.

So while the girls were performing on stage, I was back at home watching them. Unknowingly, I started to cry again and not just because I wasn’t able to perform either.

==
I was called into LSM’s office once more. How many times have I been here? Thrice? Four times?

“You called for me?” I entered his office

LSM turned around in his chair, he looked grim and his lips were pursed “you -sshi, are you really serious about being an idol?”

“Of course. Why?”

“I know you’re aware that you haven’t been doing well lately. Why? Is there a problem?”

“Well….to be honest—“

“Whatever it is, you shouldn’t let it affect work. I don’t want to do this but if you don’t improve soon, I’ll have to take you out of the group and replace you.” LSM explained as he looked through some papers

“I understand. I’ll go and pack my bags.”

LSM looked up abruptly “What?”

“To be honest, I’ve been considering leaving for awhile now.” I paused and smiled “It was an honor being able to work with you. Thank you for giving me this chance and I’m sorry for disappointing you.” I bowed down and turned to leave

“Are you really serious?” LSM asked
I turned to face him and nodded my head.

“You have a lot of potential to be a great entertainer someday and it’s such a waste to throw this opportunity but if that’s your final decision, there’s nothing I can do about it. Tell your manager to go in. We’ll talk about your final appearance.”

I bowed down and left.
==

It was arranged that I’ll be leaving in a week. My leaving was kept secret between me, LSM and the manager as I requested. I didn’t want to affect my members negatively. For the last week, I worked extra hard.

I performed with all my heart and took an active part on variety shows. In the eyes of the people around me, I was happy and carefree but inside, it was the exact opposite. Every time I forced a smile and pretended to be happy, I felt my heart shatter just a bit more.

It didn’t help that whenever I saw Donghae, he also seemed happy. I guess he’s moved on. Even though it hurts, I’m happy for him.

I was in one of the rooms of SM building, it was quiet and calm. Just what I needed. It has been agreed on that in my final performance, I would sing a song that I composed myself.

I was about to start writing when the door opened.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know anyone was here.” Jessica bowed down to apologize, it seemed she didn’t see me.

“It’s alright unnie.”

Jessica looked up and brightened “you , it’s just you. Am I disturbing you?”

“No, how have you been unnie?”

“I am so glad you asked that.” Jessica took a seat beside me “ I want to show you something. Don’t tell anyone about it ok?”

I nodded my head. Jessica looked around then slowly took something out of her pocket. I saw a long silver chain, a necklace. When it was fully out, I felt all my energy drained, it was that necklace. The very necklace that Donghae gave me but I returned.

Jessica giggled “How is it? It’s pretty right?”

“Unnie, where’d you get it?”

“Donghae gave it to me.” Jessica smiled

I forced a smile even when my tears were about to burst “It’s pretty unnie, it looks good on you. Unnie, I have to go.”

“Why?” Jessica’s smile faded

“I promised my members I would cook our dinner today. It was nice talking to you unnie.” I bowed down and left before Jessica could protest.

==
I arrived home.

“you , is that you?” My members called out from the dining room “Come here and eat dinner with us.”

“I’m not hungry unnie. I’ll go to bed.”

I laid in bed and looked up at the ceiling. The events that has happened these past few months seemed to be playing in the ceiling.My debut, my first meeting with Donghae, when we were locked in that room, the fake snow, when Donghae gave me the necklace, when he told me what a good friend I was and when I said my goodbyes.

I also saw the fun times I had with my members, our practices, our performances, our goofing around. I even saw Kibum. The way he would turn up at random times then annoy me to death.

I’m really going to miss these moments. I sighed and closed my eyes. Let’s just see what happens next. Hopefully everything works out.