The back of Sungyeol’s couch faced the door so, when they were both inside the apartment, each one walked to one side to be able to turn around the said furniture and stood in front of one another. Myungsoo didn’t dare to look at Sungyeol eyes, he was too nervous for it. Besides he hadn’t time to think about what he wanted to say, it was a sudden decision. Not everything, of course, just a few things.

He remembered pacing back and forth his living room after he talked to his mother the day prior while thinking about their conversation. He had tried thinking of Sungyeol, his ex, and Sungyeol, his adviser, as two different people but his mother had been right, this was still bothering him, a lot. And it didn’t matter how much he tried to focus on other things (although he succeeded a couple of times) but sooner or later he and the elder argued and he came back to square zero. He tried but he couldn’t go on another day without this conversation, he needed to take things off his chest and he needed to hear Sungyeol at least so he could know, grow and avoid the same mistake in a next relationship. But he definitely needed answers.

Some people tried to tell Myungsoo a few things but that insecure part of himself forced him to not believe, but after he came out confused from the last meeting with Sungyeol - even if his mother had been a million times that right the essential person that helped him gather some courage to have the conversation was surprisingly Sungjong. Not only the younger seemed to understand him better even if they didn’t talk much, but he wouldn’t lie Sungjong made his hopeful side wake. He didn’t know if he should or shouldn't forgive basing on what he heard, but he had hope that he would clear his thoughts at least.

Seeing that Myungsoo seemed to have some inner debates and probably wouldn't open up his mouth so soon, Sungyeol decided to prompt him to talk.

“So…” Sungyeol prompted, which made Myungsoo tried to look at him and Sungyeol got embarrassed by his considerably worst appearance and covered his face he previously did with Sunggyu.

Myungsoo found that a bit strange but, didn’t take that gesture too hard, it wasn’t like the elder was trying to hide from the conversation right? He cleared his throat and spoke tentatively “I know we are supposed to stay away from each other…”

“For the time being it is not like we really can.” Sungyeol slightly snorted then added in a sad tone. “Though I can acknowledge your tries to keep me out of your life as much as you can so, aside from official meetings, I have been trying to give you space.”

“I guess I’ve been needing some…” Myungsoo nodded in agreement then shifted in his feet uncomfortably before changing his train of thoughts. “Thank you for accepting to talk to me then…” Sungyeol hummed as he walked to sit on a corner of his coach. “Can this conversation be off the records?” The younger asked.

“I have not reported all our outbursts and personal conversations during our meetings, is there anything I am doing that seems to tell you I’ll do otherwise?” Sungyeol asked with a hint of hurt.

“No.”

“Then?”

“Just being sure we are on the page.” Myungsoo explained hesitantly.

“Don’t worry, I’ll not report you, I could never do that to you.”

“Do you promise?”

“I promise.” The taller vowed. “We are on the same page in this.” After a few seconds of hesitance, Myungsoo finally nodded. “Sit down and get comfortable so we can start.” Sungyeol pointed to the other corner of his couch, that had a decent space between them, then he slid to the edge of the couch as he remembered something. “Do you want water or something?” He made sure to ask.

“No, I’m fine.” Myungsoo replied and Sungyeol slid back into the couch and got in a comfortable position as he waited for the younger to sit, but Myungsoo seemed to be hesitating.

“Don’t think too much about it, just sit down and take things out of your chest, this conversation might be long so it will be uncomfortable for you if you stand” He tried to coax. “I’ll just sit right here with my hands in sight and I won’t move any closer to you.”

Myungsoo rolled his eyes and walked to the couch to sit. “Look at me and look at you, I’m not worried over that.”

“Good to know you have confidence in something.” Sungyeol said with certain sarcasm but Myungsoo didn’t want to read much in between lines, his goal wasn’t to come here to fight but to clear things up. “What are you worried about then?” Sungyeol added later, hoping to direct Myungsoo to start talking about them.

Myungsoo avoided the elder gaze and looked around a little before he finally confessed. “I want things between us to be as clear as they can, so I worry about your sincerity.”

“Sincerity.” Sungyeol repeated although not with sarcasm. “I want to make things clear too so I’m also concerned over that but see, Myungsoo, we have a problem because whatever I say I know you won’t believe.”

“That’s not true.” Myungsoo immediately disagreed.

“Is it?” Sungyeol merely asked back.

“I believe you don’t have intentions to hurt Woohyun.” Myungsoo said softly and Sungyeol held a disappointed sigh, he probably knew that because that was one thing he made sure to show with actions and still be clear with words, but only that? “And I think you’re doing your best, despite everything, to help with my project.” He added.

“So when it comes to things between us, you don’t believe me at all?” Sungyeol fired back a second later.

“I don’t know.” Myungsoo sighed. “Our last conversation made me more confused than I already was and this is why I came, to talk and clear things up, so I can focus on what is important, but I need you to be sincere.”

Sungyeol still didn’t think Myungsoo insecure side would let him believe in whatever he had to say. “I had never been insincere with you, but what do I have to do for you to believe me?”

“Explain a few things? Let me see your expressions so I know you're saying the truth?” Myungsoo shrugged his shoulders slowly, he hadn’t a concrete answer, but maybe if Sungyeol could take this hand out of the majority of his face maybe he would be able to at least try to decipher the elder feelings.

Sungyeol looked down to the couch and seemed to think about it, he was still hesitating a bit when he took the hand out of his face and looked properly at his ex-boyfriend. Myungsoo seemed to gasp and want to talk about his tired appearance but Sungyeol was quickly to stop him.

“I’ll do whatever you want me to but let’s not talk about this, please?” He pleaded.

Myungsoo gulped but nodded and then a silence fell upon them, both of them didn’t know how to start, and they spent a minute like that until Myungsoo gathered some courage to ask a couple of questions. “What did I do during our relationship that was so wrong that made you broke up with me out of nowhere?”

“Nothing.” Sungyeol immediately replied.

“How nothing?” Myungsoo asked as he wasn't satisfied with that answer.

Sungyeol hesitated a bit but then said. “There were times I felt a bit neglected, there were times I thought you weren't interested in what was going on with me, but, on the other hand, I knew that there were a lot of things happening at the same time for you and that probably left you overwhelmed, this is probably the sole reason that I felt like that here and there.”

Myungsoo seemed to deflate a bit as if he just had confirmed something that he feared. “So I was basically a bad boyfriend, you were fed up and jumped on the opportunity to break up when you needed to advise me?” He asked helplessly.

“You seem to think that it was something that you did that made me ask to break up, but that isn’t true. You did nothing wrong, you just didn’t have full control of things that were happening in your life, but everyone goes through this - I can even say there's something like that happening to me too - so there was really nothing I could do aside from waiting for you to solve your problems or trying to help in things I could, like with your dinner.” Sungyeol insisted then said with all of his sincerity. “You are the best boyfriend I ever had.”

Myungsoo snorted not believing it. “How can you say that?”

“You don’t believe.” Sungyeol said with a sad sigh.

“You had so many people, people that...” Myungsoo tried to justify himself.

“People that in one way or another also abused me.” He interrupted to say firmly, which made the younger a bit startled and then Sungyeol asked softly.” Why had you never told me that this bothers you?”

“It doesn’t.” Myungsoo promptly denied as he looked away although Sungyeol could see through him, especially when he used a slightly nervous tone.

“That clearly still bothers you.” Myungsoo stayed in silence and Sungyeol took upon himself to continue. “After our break up I spent some time to figure out why you told Hoya hyung we didn’t feel the same way and why it seemed you were overreacting in a way.”

“Overreacting?” Myungsoo head snapped back to glare at him but the elder decided to ignore that indignant question.

“I thought and thought about it and I had a hunch but I didn’t want to believe that things that didn’t matter at all to me would cause such a big impact on you. But then I read your mother letters and I discovered that Woohyun origin is not the only thing you hide.”

“I don’t…” Myungsoo tried once more to interrupt but Sungyeol continued talking.

“You’re insecure.” He pointed with words that somehow pierced through Myungsoo heart and made him want to hide. “So the number of people I had a relationship with bothers you, the reasons why I broke up with them also bothers you. Some of your behavior in bed wasn’t kindness and attention to my needs alone, you were afraid to hurt me and be dumped, you were afraid of not touching me and be dumped, you were worried about not being what ‘I’m used to’. And when you discovered that I had a Ph.D. you started thinking of yourself as less than me. Back then you were not only asking for help with your project, but you thought that there was a possibility of me dumping you because you thought I would consider you dumb. Isn’t that true?”

Myungsoo didn’t reply right away. He had done everything in his power to hide those kinds of concerns, but what was the point now when Sungyeol knew? At least they weren’t together anymore so Sungyeol could use this against him or something.

“Something in this has to be true” He ended up admitting. “I just don’t know which of these scenarios was the one you used.”

“None.” Sungyeol insisted then continued. “You hid well Myungsoo, even when you’re freaking out about other problems you still managed to hide this side of you from me. Now I’ve realized that I was the one that could be considered a lacking boyfriend because I didn't notice, but now that I do, I’m deeply sorry for that. If I had known that these things would fuel insecurities I would have tried to overcome my own problems to build your trust on my feelings more.” He bowed for a bit which kinda threw Myungsoo off but he wouldn’t dwell on this bow when he was surprised with something else.

“So you’re saying that you only broke up with me because of my project only?” Myungsoo asked in disbelief.

“In a way, yes.”

“No, that can’t be, that has to be more into it. Just tell me the truth.” Myungsoo was the one desperately insisting now.

“It is the truth, why you can’t believe it?” Sungyeol asked hurt.

“Because that means you asked to break up over something that doesn’t even concerns you, which makes our relationship more insignificant than I ever thought… and… and… The thought that I have been putting effort to open an entirely new and unknown part of me for you, and even willing to tell my son about us, and you considered our relationship to be this insignificant, crushes me.” Myungsoo said as his eyes tried to water but he quickly tried to blink tears away.

“How can you distort things so much?” Sungyeol asked although he didn’t expect Myungsoo to answer. “That isn’t true Myungsoo, this is what your insecurities make you think.” Sungyeol said sadly. “The reality is a bit different from that.”

“Look, up till now I just know our relationship was insignificant, that it was easy for you to let go… and recently, when the things were beginning to fall into place, you started to torture me by confusing me. Tell me, is it fun toying with me? If so, how can you be so cunning?” Myungsoo asked trying to keep his patience.

Sungyeol closed his eyes and let the younger rant sink in then shook his head slowly in denial. “I can’t be possibly hearing that, is this the face of someone that is having fun?” He asked while pointing to his face and Myungsoo had to agree that it was not, but maybe picking on him was the highlight of the taller days lately? He didn’t know. “When every little thing in your life seems like it is out to get you, a person has to be cunning if they want to help you, but, no Myungsoo, I don’t take any joy from our current state so don’t talk about me as if I am a completely cold that feels absolutely nothing. I have limitations but I am an human being just like you.” Sungyeol replied trying to subside some anger.

“Then explain to me!” Myungsoo demanded frustratedly. “Because I can’t understand you… and it is driving me crazy.”

“The basic truth is simple: I love you, in the present tense.” Sungyeol said with all of his sincerity. That caught Myungsoo a bit by surprise but he searched in the elder eyes and he seemed to be telling the truth. “And I have loved you even before you confessed to me.”

“But you broke up with me.” Myungsoo said confused.

“I did.” the taller admitted.

“You broke my heart pretty bad.” Myungsoo accused with sadness.

“It wasn't my intention to do that but I’m aware of that. I knew that our break up would hurt you, I just miscalculated how much.” Sungyeol tried to say.

“Miscalculated?” Myungsoo asked in disbelief. “You are, were, my first lover, of course breaking up out of nowhere would break my heart.”

“I'm sorry, things didn't exactly happened the way they should but it was the only way.” Sungyeol said sincerely but with some frustration, why Myungsoo couldn't open his eyes to see what was right in his face?

“It was not the only way, you didn't even hear what I wanted to say, you just did what you wanted. You didn't want to put effort for us, right?”

“Don't say that!” The taller scolded. “Even if it doesn't seem like it, there is a lot of my efforts in this.”

“You say that but it seemed pretty easy breaking up.” Myungsoo accused full of hurt but Sungyeol decided to ignore this accusation so his levels of anger wouldn't rise.

“What happened is that on that day I wasn't clear enough but that didn’t mean that I hadn’t more to say, more to explain, yet you took things in a different way and kicked me out…”He tried to explain himself but felt things were coming out of his mouth too confusedly so he stopped,sighed and decided to go with a different approach. “Let me try to explain things from the beginning, I'll be really clear this time.” He pleaded it would be better to explain things from the beginning.

“I’m waiting..” Myungsoo said as he agreed.

“I don’t know when I fell in love with you, I just know everyone noticed before me, everyone but you.” The taller let out a tired giggle as he thought about the past. “When I noticed I tried to forget about it because well… I thought you were straight, at least I thought that until we talked in Incheon. Then when you said you wanted me I became so insecure...”

“You were?” Myungsoo asked trying not to sound he was that interested although he was, he always had seen Sungyeol as confident with himself when it came to his uality so he didn't think the elder had ever been that much insecure when it came to him, maybe during because he had traumas, but, aside that, nothing.

“Yeah, I was.” Sungyeol admitted. “Firstly because you weren’t very clear in Incheon so I thought you only wanted to fool around, secondly because of my own problems, I didn’t know If I was ready to enter another relationship that soon, then I didn’t know if you’d accept and understand my past. I remember thinking, ‘Myungsoo is such a nice and handsome guy, he can have whomever he wants, why he would want someone so broken and problematic like me?’ I thought I didn’t deserve you. ” He forced a smile then sighed. “Lately I’ve also been thinking that I still don’t deserve you, although this time for different reasons.”

Myungsoo didn’t reply, the thought of someone like Sungyeol confessing to being insecure kinda baffled him although at this point he could agree that Sungyeol didn't deserve him. Even so, he thought it was better to just keep quiet and let the elder continue his explanations so he could better understand the elder point of view.

“But then we got together it was different than everything I had experienced and it was good, you treated me well and showed me that love relationships could be much more than what I was used to, relationships could be partnership too. I guess this is why I didn’t pay attention to any possible insecurity you might have, I thought everything was perfect although, as I said before, I was frustrated here and there. I also learned so much with you and that made me grow as a person - I was, I mean, I still am so happy and grateful to that.” He smiled. “Because of you I changed my relationship with almost everyone in my life, Sungjong, Hoya hyung, Chanyeol, Dara noona and above all Sunggyu, that became such a docile child, and Woohyun that is always so loving and funny. I really need you to thank you for that.”

“You don’t need to thank me for that, it was just a few tips here and there.” Myungsoo said shyly.

“No, I need to.” The taller insisted “Because you have the only kind of knowledge that I need to know and you know the right way to teach and this is why I was able to change. Also, you made me see that what I want in a relationship exists and I shouldn’t settle for less.” Sungyeol assured although Myungsoo didn’t know what to do with that information yet.

“But I still have limitations and that means that while you are fine with it and you can lie, I can’t. First of all, I told you I’m not exactly the type of guy that likes to be hidden, but you said you wanted to come clean to Woohyun and asked me to do things on your time and I agreed. But as our relationship progressed, my love grew beyond what I ever thought it was possible and it became hard to control, and Woohyun is smart Myungsoo, he started to notice a few slips, but you don’t want him discovering anything before it’s time right? I don’t want that either, because I know it will hurt him. But it is hard Myungsoo, it is ing hard to pretend to Woohyun, even more, when he keeps me asking why things are the way they are.”

“I know.” Myungsoo sighed but asked carefully. “ But what that has to do…”

“It has everything to do because he is the most important person in your life.” Sungyeol said. “ Since I know my limitations, I have been putting my energies on Woohyun so if I want to keep my promises of protecting your son, I have to focus on him only. The day of my presentation, if you hadn’t spoken to my adviser directly I would have introduced you as my boyfriend proudly because I was finally happy and that was what you were at the time. And if we had done what you wanted, yeah, we would probably be together but I wouldn’t be able to school myself to not look like I’m in love with you there, because it was already obvious since I started to have feelings for you. And with that, you know what would have happened to us both.” Sungyeol finished sadly.

Myungsoo rubbed his hands over his face, he could agree that Sungyeol had limitations that would be a bummer to his plans but did the elder really did love him that much when he was the one that broke things up? As he thought about that Sungyeol tentatively spoke again.

“There is also another thing.” Myungsoo took the hands of his face to look at the elder. “This is not only about my limitations or me trying to protect Woohyun from secrets.”

“Then?” Myungsoo raised a hopeless brow.

“Once you taught me how to properly open up to the kids, I fell in love with Woohyun the same way I fell in love with Sunggyu, so I started treating your priorities as my priorities. They are amazing children and they are the priority. I’m sorry that I broke your heart, I know I have hurt you beyond what I just said is true and this is why I try to help you so much, because I was thinking about your son, in how he needs you to have a job so you could stay in Seoul, put food on your table and just have the independence you crave to be able to take care of him alone. Our break up wasn’t something that I would do if you weren’t assigned to me but with the way things became, I had to do it.”

Myungsoo closed his eyes as tears started to be produced, he didn’t know yet if he would forgive Sungyeol or not but he could feel in his heart that the elder was telling the truth about that. He knew Woohyun indeed had won Sungyeol heart and they both now loved each other in a way that had made Myungsoo extremely happy when were still dating, although it became annoying when the broke up. but it still kinda hurt to know his son was above him on the list of the elder priorities. He knew that he wasn't because as he remembered Hoya saying, Sungyeol had two responsibilities named Sungjong and Sunggyu, but to know Woohyun seemed to be in equal terms as then made his feelings conflicted.

“Hey, don’t be like that.” Sungyeol slid closer on the sofá and tentatively cupped Myungsoo cheeks, and surprisingly the younger let himself be touched. “I know you remember my words in Incheon and I know I told you we had to let go of our relationship to guarantee your graduation but you don’t seem to remember our first conversation fully.”

“What-what are you talking about?” The younger asked brokenly.

“Back then I said I would still chase things I had to let go, so you need to know that I never meant for this break up to be permanent.” Sungyeol caressed Myungsoo cheeks softly.

Myungsoo opened his crying eyes and he tried to search for the truth. “Do you mean that? Can I believe that?” He wiped his tears and asked in the most vulnerable state Sungyeol had ever seen him.

“I mean that.” Sungyeol assured as he looked at the younger eyes. “It was the situation that we can’t control that forced me to take this kind of decision because I wanted to help you give Woohyun the best you can. But this… this wasn't easy on me either, this is why I freaked out when this advising thing came up…” Sungyeol own eyes started to water. “I know you don’t deserve this… this pain... you were such a good boyfriend for me… and I ended hurting you so badly… I feel so bad...” Sungyeol voice failed a bit. “I didn’t want to do this, I didn’t want to push you away, but you only had me available to help you so this was the only way you could make it...”

Sungyeol pulled on hand out of Myungsoo face to wipe his almost falling tears. “I’m aware that what I did was risky and I don’t know how this will end but you have to at least know that my love for you is still here and it does not come close to anything I ever felt for anyone that had entered my life…” Sungyeol voice failed a bit again. “I

“I want to believe you so badly…” Myungsoo confessed. “But, I don’t know…”

Myungsoo unconsciously moved his eyes from the taller eyes to his moving his lips, and Sungyeol did the same, he so ing want to kiss him so badly. He always felt bad whenever he saw Myungsoo, not only because they were fighting every meeting, but because he couldn’t reach for the younger, spend time together talking about everything and nothing at all, sharing experiences with the kids and advice that could be used with them, or simply going to the park the two small brats. It had been torture to survive without their hidden pecks and passionate but tender kisses whenever the kids weren’t looking;

Sungyeol knew it was wrong in their current situation to be this close inside one of their apartments but it. His head was spinning with all he heard and said today, he needed Myungsoo, he needed at least the warmth of the younger more muscular body and maybe Myungsoo’s slightest thinner lips against his to be able to at least to mentally survive this day.

Even though his brain yelled at him against it, his heart told him to go forward and not blame the pill he took earlier so he tentatively and slowly leaned his face to aim a kiss on the younger - a thing that maybe could assure Myungsoo of his love but would definitely keep him sane - but Sungyeol was surprised when he met the lips he wanted even before he leaned all the way.

It was a peck at first but Sungyeol felt desperation in it while the younger felt assured of the elder feelings as that simple peck made him melt; to be honest, both of them wanted this kiss to last longer because, even if everything went wrong, they would have that memory to give them some strength. Myungsoo felt that Sungyeol was about to pull back and he felt he the elder would start freaking about ing ethics again so he decided to secure the elder by his neck, however, as soon as he put his hands there, he took them off a second later.

“You’re sick.” He immediately accused alarmed, and that made the kiss forgotten.

Sungyeol sighed. “I’m not.”

“Of course you are, you’re feverish.” Myungsoo sais as he put his hand on Sungyeol forehead to check his temperature, he was sure the elder didn’t have a strong fever like the last time but his temperature was still high.

Sungyeol sighed and leaned back, he didn’t want to talk about this but since Myungsoo discovered he wasn’t exactly fine he decided to explain things a little more. “I’m not really sick, I don’t get sick often.” He insisted. “This is psychogenic.” Myungsoo looked at him as if he was talking in ancient Greek or something. “My aunt says that it is a response from my body to exposure to emotional events or chronic stress.”

Myungsoo Looked at him worriedly. “You should take care of yourself.” He scolded. “Last time you fainted.”

Sungyeol sighed defeatedly, he tried but sometimes don’t work as we expect. “Don’t worry, I told you I’ll see your project through. And Hoya hyung gave me a pill, I should be fine when it finally works its wonders.”

“If this is really emotional then… am I somehow responsible for this?” Myungsoo asked with some fear evident in his tone, he had been crazily angry but he didn’t wish Sungyeol any harm, at least physically he never did.

Sungyeol shrugged slowly. “In a very indirect way...” Myungsoo gasped in surprise and horror, so Sungyeol decided to tranquilize the younger. “The moment I realized I hurt you more than I thought I would, I felt sad and desperate. The risks became more real and, since my feelings for you are strong, I was afraid to develop new traumas and new psychogenic symptoms so I tried occupying my mind with other things that would be able to take a toll on me on their own.”

Myungsoo furrowed his brows. “Are you saying…”

Sungyeol said as he avoided the younger gaze but made sure to interrupt. “I decided to read your mother letters first to see if there was anything that helped me understand you but then I discovered some lawsuits so I purposely meddled in things that I knew it would upset me.”

“So I did this when I asked my parents to answer your questions?” Myungsoo asked in guilt.

Although in a way that question could be replied with a ‘yes’, Sungyeol decided to interpret the question in a different way so he could answer differently.

“No, because it isn’t your, or your parents, fault that things happened to me back in the day.” Sungyeol said firmly then hesitated. “The only thing your parents did was to clarify a few things for me, things that aren’t exactly in the letters, or explain what these lawsuits I discovered were about. It’s just that… the things they told me made me realize that not everything that happened was the way I believed it happened, and it is… it is difficult to process everything right now so the fever happened…”

“What do you mean?” He asked then immediately thought this was too personal even for this conversation off topics since they agreed to only talk about their situation. “Sorry, I was out of place. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

Sungyeol sighed. “I can tell you in details another time, but I basically discovered my parents were not all that they seemed to me. My father was a ty husband that abused my mom psychologically and I never noticed, and my mom, although I still feel that she neglected me a bit, wasn’t a complete bad mother.”

Since Sungyeol talked about this, Myungsoo thought that he could lend an ear at least and let the elder take things off his chest too. “I’m sorry about your father, but this about your mother is good no?” Myungsoo dared to ask.

“Yeah, at least she avenged me somehow.” Myungsoo tilted his head in confusion and Sungyeol continued. “She sued my school and we won, I earned some compensatory money and people involved were punished, but I think my case was somehow made public and this is why the school closed its doors… I didn’t check that yet, though the time coincides. Thanks to that lawsuit I was able to buy this apartment so young while working in a ty place.” He moved a finger around as to motion his apartment. “Though back then I thought I was using my father inheritance.”

“Then you should be thankful to her because having and maintaining your own roof in a city so expensive is a great life start.” Myungsoo reasoned, not knowing what else to say and Sungyeol looked down at his lap.

“It doesn’t change what I’ve been through though…” Well, Sungyeol was right on that, Myungsoo couldn’t say anything. “And I just feel like a bad son now.” The taller confessed.

Myungsoo hesitated but then raised Sungyeol chin up to look at him. “Still we can’t change the past, can we? If we could, this conversation wouldn’t even be necessary.”

“Would you have changed our past if it was possible?” Sungyeol asked and of course, he was talking about the breakup but Myungsoo interpreted that in a broader manner as if the taller was asking if he would change the past to never start their relationship, not ever get close or something like that. Yes he still suffered because of their break up but he didn’t think he would be that radical, Sungyeol was overall challenging but their time together had been good, it was a good experience.

“We can’t change the past...” Myungsoo decided to reply vaguely. “...but sometimes we can change the present.” Myungsoo said as he extended a hand for Sungyeol.

“What do you mean?” Sungyeol asked as he furrowed his brows in confusion, but Myungsoo looked at his own hand as if telling the elder to grab to discover. Once their hands were held, Myungsoo got up and tried to pull Sungyeol up as well.

“Come on, today was… eventful, you have to rest to come out of this feverish state.” He said and Sungyeol sighed and got up so Myungsoo could lead him into this room.

The elder didn’t exactly felt disappointed by the younger answer, much on the contrary. Sungyeol thought that even if this isn't some sickness that could compromise the project (which would definitely freak Myungsoo out), it seemed like the young dad actions confirmed that he still cared about him. And if Myungsoo still cared about him, their kiss, that they weren’t talking about but that definitely happened, hadn’t been just an empty impulse. No, Myungsoo feelings were somehow still there too, and that brought joy to Sungyeol.

The young dad gently leads the elder to his room. If they were talking under normal circumstances, he didn’t know if he would have called Sungyeol hypocrite for kissing him after he freaked out about ethics, or if he would just keep up with his desire, tasting Sungyeol marvelous lips, until they ended up finding their way to Sungyeol bed, either way he would probably have gathered the rest of his courage to talk about their kiss. But this was not normal circumstances, this conversation was an agreed exception to what they were living at the moment, they still couldn’t, they were also hurt and fighting, and above all Sungyeol was feverish.

Myungsoo gently brought Sungyeol to bed and waited for the elder laid down and pull the covers over himself, he didn’t think it was correct to keep any kind of talk when Sungyeol was like that, it would be better for them both if the elder got better soon. Besides, he thought he got to know a lot of things already that he needed to give a thought about although he knew he wouldn’t have time for that now.

“Do you really think you’re gonna be ok? Or that you didn’t pass me anything?” Myungsoo asked worriedly as he helped Sungyeol with his sheets. “We don’t have the luxury to get sick at this point.”

“What I have can’t be passed to you so you’re safe.” Sungyeol assured. “I can only hope that this is over quickly.”

Myungsoo sat on the bed beside Sungyeol and checked if the elder seemed comfortable. “Does it lasts a lot of time?” He asked.

“Last time I had a fever like this was when my mom died, it lasted three days back then.” Sungyeol explained quietly as he observed Myungsoo trying not to seem to be concerned though he obviously was. “I was mostly functional but it is inconvenient since I have to go back to work on Monday and the selective process starts on Wednesday.”

“Are you ready for it?” Myungsoo couldn’t help but ask though he knew that was also not within the scope of things he came here to talk about.

“I’ll be fine.” Sungyeol merely said.

“Are you sure?” Sungyeol nodded but he insisted. “What if you’re not well by tomorrow? What if Sunggyu comes back and you’re still feverish? He will get worried.” The elder smiled a bit as he thought about Sunggyu, Myungsoo was right, his closeness and Sunggyu own worried might make the young boy freak out but that also meant he managed to gain Sunggyu heart. “If you want it Sunggyu can stay over at my place at night and I can take him to school on Monday.” The younger ended up offering.

“But then Woohyun will want to sleep here but he can’t anymore, right?” Sungyeol remembered him and Myungsoo looked away so he poked the younger knee to get his attention. “Don’t worry, you just need to focus on your project and Hoya hyung can help me with that for the time being.” Myungsoo seemed a bit disappointed with that answer, but it was not like he could complain when their situation wasn’t favorable. “Though if you’re desperate in need of time I can take care of Woohyun for you to write... nobody knows we are neighbors.” The elder offred.

“I’ll think about it.” Myungsoo said and got up to leave. “I should go now, will you be ok alone?”

Sungyeol yawned and nodded. “Hoya hyung is probably curious, he will come back early and I think I’ll be able to sleep just fine today.”

“Then go to sleep so you get better quickly.” Myungsoo said.

Although Sungyeol nodded again he lingered a bit, he wondered if he should give Sungyeol a goodbye/get well kiss. Once he managed to put this kind of thoughts away because he was done with improper kissing today, he turned around to go.

“Myungsoo.” Sungyeol called before Myungsoo was out of his room door and the younger turned around to look at him. “Did this… did this conversation changed anything between us?” Sungyeol asked hesitantly. He said conversation but he wanted to mean kiss, but if Myungsoo didn’t want to talk about it he wouldn’t use that term either to ask.

“I don’t know.” Myungsoo said but then shrugged. “What you told me is a lot of to process, I don’t have much time to think deeply about it, you know it.”

“It’s ok, we shouldn’t change our behavior whenever we meet in college, at least for now. Besides, I can wait.” Sungyeol nodded from the bed. “But … will you... think about us when you’re done with your project?” Sungyeol asked with some hurt.

Myungsoo let out a sad smile though he was a little bit amused. “I’m not the only insecure right?”

“Definitely not.” Sungyeol confirmed. “Even more when now I am completely aware of what I did.”

Myungsoo ruffled his hair with a hand and shifted his weight in place. “I don’t know.” He said then placed his hands on his pockets because he didn’t know what to do with them. “As much as I want to believe what you said is the truth, it is not like I can simply erase everything that I felt. It hurt, hyung.” He said sincerely but calling Sungyeol that for the very first time that night, and the elder interpreted that word as a good thing.

“I’m sorry.” Sungyeol repeated although Myungsoo chose to ignore him.

“Besides, there are other things, there is Woohyun problem and then...I don’t know if it was my fault that I became too dependent of you or it was you that became too controlling, but, when I think about it, maybe our relationship shouldn’t have been the way it was...”

“Maybe it was a mix of both.” Sungyeol offered. “I do find certain join in helping people I love and care.”

“Was it?” Myungsoo squinted his eyes at Sungyeol doubtfully. “Was it only help? When I think it back it doesn’t seem that way.”

Sungyeol stayed at this point, maybe because he knew that his reply could be come out really good or really bad, and he didn’t have any means of being sure. “It felt that way to me, but, if-if it was really not like that for you, I wish you could tell me the things you don’t feel comfortable with so I can also respect your limits. I don’t want to become an abuser and if there is someone that can shape me up, that person is you.”

“I think I have to reach a conclusion of my own.” Myungsoo said softly as he threw an apologetic look at Sungyeol, that nodded in understanding, then stretched the side of his lips in a bit of amusement. “But I don’t think you’ll get to that point.”

“That’s a huge relief.” Sungyeol said as he opened a small but pleased smile then asked another question before Myungsoo had the chance to leave again, only God knew what would happen after this conversation ended, he wanted to savor Myungsoo presence a little bit more. “Was this conversation enough to make you regain your focus again?”

This time Myungsoo opened up a confident small smile. “I guess it will do.” Once he replied Sungyeol didn’t think he would be able to keep Myungsoo there for much longer, even more, when he was starting to get really sleepy, not only because of the pill but all the accumulated tiredness.

“Then get your notes and do your best.” Sungyeol said as he pointed to his desk and Myungsoo nodded and walked back to the elder desk to get them. He raised them in the air to make sure Sungyeol was seeing he got it. “Seriously, do your best, I will be sad if I sacrificed the best relationship I ever had for nothing.” Sungyeol said seriously.

Myungsoo stopped in his tracks as he heard that but chose not to reply and just walk out of the room and see himself out. As he heard the front door Sungyeol turned off the lights and brought the sheets up and held them against his neck, this conversation didn’t solve anything, but at least now they both took things off their chest and that could at least guarantee Sungyeol a good night of sleep.

________________________________________________

Hoya arrived in Sungyeol apartment early. The slightly older man was curious about his cousin and Myungsoo’s conversation and wanted not only hear gossip he could share with the rest of the squad (that at this point were aware that the two talked) but he wanted lean too. He expected Sungyeol to be up with a face of someone that hadn’t slept for eternity but found the apartment pretty quiet.

He instantly panicked and ran to the younger room only to find him sleeping soundly and cocooned in a bunch of sheets which made Hoya sigh in relief. He came close to the bed as quietly as he could (Sungyeol had a very light sleep after the things that happened to him) because he didn’t want to scare his cousin then checked his temperature. Once he was sure Sungyeol condition hadn’t worsened he look at his cousin fondly. Finally, he was able to rest. To be sure Sungyeol would take full advantage of that moment to recover himself a bit, he carefully redid the route out of the room, he could wait outside.

As Sungyeol slept in, the kids had the time of their lives swimming (leaning, in Sunggyu’s case) and playing in the pool until it was lunch time. After much coaxing and their stomach complaints, they were convinced to leave the pool and take a bath to go eat in a restaurant. Well, it was not the best food around but it was Woohyun favorite, for now, Sonmi knew Woohyun would do so much better in the future.

When they came back it was time for business. Not actual business, but they had to finally agree on a song and start rehearsing ASAP. Bumsoo gave them his tablet, taught them how to search song’s translations then tapped a few of their options (Sunggyu had a written list in his bag) before leaving the boys alone in Myungsoo/Woohyun room.

“So, Dongwoo hyung said we should sing this.” Sunggyu pointed to the open Youtube tab on the tablet that Woohyun had been holding on the bed. “What do you think of it?”

Woohyun made a face that was practically a ‘no’. “Hyung, I can’t pronounce this word. Lagher, Lahter, Latr?” He stuttered a couple of times as he tried to pronounce ‘laughter’ correctly but failed every time an that left him a bit frustrated.

Sunggyu sighed in relief. “Wew, that’s good, the song is about teaching children and confidence, that has nothing to do with what we want.” He said as he looked at a young Whitney Houston singing The Greatest Love of All in the small screen at Woohyun hands. He scratched his head a bit. “I don’t think Dongwoo hyung understood what we want, how old is that noona anyway?”

Woohyun closed the tab and promptly another video start playing. “I like this one, Daddy likes it too.” He said then started singing the chorus of a popular old Oasis song. “Don’t go away, Say what you say, Say that you stay…”

It was Sunggyu turn to make a face. “Woohyunnie, Sungyeol hyung said he will teach us to play the song on piano but this song has a guitar and we don’t know how to play guitar. It doesn’t even sound like your dad guitar.”

Woohyun made a pout but closed the tab too. “You’re right.” He sighed. “We ruled two songs out.” Sunggyu nodded and smiled as if that was huge progress.

“Sungyeol hyung has been listening to this one, so he might like.” Sunggyu changed the tab and ‘If kills me’ by Jason Mraz started to play, it had a piano so it was an improvement from the previous options because they would be able to play.

Woohyun moved his head on the rhythm as he decided that it would be a good song for them to play and sing but then he opened another tab and searched for the translation of the lyrics as his grandfather had taught him. When he finished reading he looked scandalized at Sunggyu. “Hyung, that’s a song about unrequited love.”

Sunggyu furrowed his brows. Myungsoo was not accepting his brother love despite everything his brother was doing, he had to know he was hurting his brother. “So?” He asked as he blinked unaffected.

“We want a song about a friend apologizing or at least one that we can ask them to not go away. Daddy and hyung are not like that.” Woohyun said with conviction.

Well, Sunggyu knew otherwise, but his brother asked him to keep a secret. “Then how about this one? Sungyeol hyung knows how to play this one.” He pulled the tablet from Woohyun hands and tapped Hanson ‘Save me’ on the screen until the video started to play.

“Loving youuuuuu~ Like I have never done before I'm neeeding you to open up that door.” The boy in the video sang and Woohyun made a face as he watched the video.

“It has a guitar and it’s old.” He said, completely ignoring how old their first option was.

“But don’t you remember that Hoya hyung said it was a popular song about forgiveness when they had our age?” Sunggyu remembered.

“Let me check the translation.” Woohyun pulled the tablet back on his hands and searched for it and when he finished reading he glared at Sunggyu and complained. “Hyung! That’s a love song, they are not like that!” He complained.

“They are!” The older of the two disagreed.

“They are not! They are friends like we are.” Woohyun insisted.

“But my hyung loves your dad.” Sunggyu blurted and Woohyun seemed startled but all the color left his face when Sunggyu didn’t think and added. “Like boyfriends!”

“What?”

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AN: Yeollie entered the army *le cries*. But I was already expecting that to happen, I think I prepared myself a lot beforehand. But, yeollie, I'm not leaving ok? things will still happen with you in this fic.