The weather’s pretty good unlike yesterday. Tons of customers were in line waiting for their turn for their orders to be noted. The young gal is busy writing the orders while the other was busy preparing it at the back. I didn’t really set my attention on all of the noises I could hear from the blender while they mix the ingredients needed for a certain drink. I only set my attention to someone who’s peacefully taking her snack – alone with her phone on the table as she was reading a message maybe.

I could not believe what my eyes just saw. I didn’t expect her to be here at my café without a signs at all. Why would she give hints to me then? She left years ago and all I did within those years is to find her even I know I couldn’t.

But I found her, as one of my customers in the café.

Though I could only see her side profile, I can tell she had grown from being a pretty high school Hyomin to a gorgeous woman. She has still a good fashion sense and dyed her hair to chestnut brown. Her cheeks were pink, as if she’s blushing and her lips colored light raspberry. From this description, you can even mistakenly thought of her being a model or an employee for entertainment industry. Is she?

All of these thoughts wash away when I notice the brunette stood up – marking she’s going to leave. She’s talking to someone on her phone and took a last sip on her drink. I contemplate myself for doing what I would like to do at this time, I need an answer from all the questions I had and why she left. Even though I did seek for answers on my own with my connection and help from Boram.

“I’ll be out for a while,” I say, determined to do what I can this time.

The young gal furrowed her brows indicating she’s confused to my sudden actions. Rushing towards the glass door while I grab my car keys hoping I couldn’t lose her in my sight. It has been 10 years since I last saw her, why would I want to let her get away just like that?

I narrowed my sight to her and found out that she came in inside a car. I quickly went in to my car as well without losing any slightest sight on her – I wouldn’t want it to happen. She drove slowly and turns to the right path, driving calmly and I, doing the other way around. I feel nervous that I shouldn’t be – I feel scared and feel so afraid but at the same time relief. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. Do these feelings ever come to visit me whenever I see her?

She parked her car near a four story building. I intentionally hit my accelerator to 20kph so I could check her coming out from her car only to be surprise by her smile. It wasn’t really surprising since it could count as an attractive side of hers that I known before. What makes me surprise is that she’s coming towards a man and definitely that smile is for him.

Beep beep!

“Hey! Slowpoke! Can’t you see I’m behind?” one dude just spat in anger,

! I just lose my mind for a second.

I apologize right away and drove to a parking lot nearby. I do not have the courage to face her seeing what I saw earlier but do have the guts to talk to her for a while. Even for a while or just to see her again, maybe that would do.

I found out that the building’s a studio and asked some people around about Hyomin. One janitress told me that she’s at the 4^th floor. I didn’t get a chance to ask her as to why she’s here since I’m in a hurry as well – hoping she wouldn’t see me sneaking to see her.

Why am I feeling guilty now?

Pacing in front of the closed door thinking whether to knock or wait for her to come out – thoughts like what to say first or to ask since I have tons of those. I haven’t prepared at all and rush my way here as I follow her without thinking. I just let my body moves its own for it wants to. Well, I really wanted to see her.

I snap back to reality when I remembered if I look good today. The feeling when you wanted to confess to your love came back; the messy mind, the negative and positive thoughts combined as well as the nerve wrecking result. My brain cells won’t even cooperate since a lot of questions popping up in my head. Questions like, ‘Can I handle the answers that I have been seeking all this time?’, ‘Who’s that guy?’, or ‘Why did you leave?’ are all so hard to ask.

Yeah, I’m still dumb just like before. I don’t even know where I found that courage to utter those words when I confessed though.

“Forget about it,” I sigh, and decided to just leave since that’s better for now. Maybe next time, I’ll be much prepared, knowing where she’s at and maybe she’ll visit my café as well.

“I say, you have been a very nice person. Thank you for coming to see me though you’re busy with your free time.”

“Not a problem at all.”

“So, see you next week then.”

The man left before shaking her hands with a smile. The latter is about to go inside the studio but unfortunately, she laid her eyes on me since I’m adjacent to her current position where I rushed to hide – which is so visible to her sight.

Her expression is so much opposite to what I just saw earlier. She’s thrilled; her lips furrowed a bit and her eyes widened gawking at me after.

Damn. She caught me.

[END OF JIYEON'S POV]

[HYOMIN’S POV]

The innocent look that I fell about her before turned to a fierce one. The puffy cheeks that I poke gently with her chubby facial now turn to slimmer. The girl in front of me lose some weight – that now by looking at her behind gives me a different feeling when I’m around with her. She became a great-looking chick and I can’t deny the fact that she became more beautiful. The look in her eyes is still the same, could see the cold gaze on it.

When I see her, I thought my eyes deceived me but no. She’s here – staring at me, with her straight or expressionless facial. I didn’t know what to say first. It has been 10 years since I last saw her, which I feel like I’m just too guilty to even look her in the eye so I look away.

I feel like she’s different from the Jiyeon I knew before unlike today.

“J-Jiyeon…” I said meekly, I don’t know if she heard since it was soft.

The woman in front of me smiled a bit however, I could no longer see the happiness on it.

I thought of having a small talk with her since it’s been years since we had conversation. I wouldn’t want to reminisce it though ‘cause I know it’ll be awkward if I do. I remembered what her expression was when I told her that we should break up. That I didn’t even explain it by details or whatnot and left her hanging, cold and in pain. Ah, it’s been so long since that happened – she might already move on from it so she’s giving me this cold shoulder.

I attempt to start a topic but end up shook my head a bit. The thought of we’ve become a complete strangers like we didn’t have memories together before. We sat face to face to a coffee shop different from the café I visited earlier. I wanted to talk to her at least but I just couldn’t find any words to say towards her.

“Here’s your order ma’am.”

A worker placed our drinks on the table but still, no words would come out from our mouths.

“So,” I cleared my throat a bit to start a convo, “what were you up to?”

I sip on my drink and glance at her who’s gaping at her drink, definitely ignoring what I just asked. It hurts seeing her being like this; like I used to know a cheerful Jiyeon from a loner one when I knew her but now, it’s so much different. People do change after all.

The question is, was it me who made her like this?

“Well, getting myself busier since I now own a business.”

There’s this little tiny happiness I could feel when she finally answered. I thought she wouldn’t remembering the scars I gave to her.

“That’s nice!” I exclaimed in amusement. I wonder what her business is.

“How about you?”

I’m glad she asks me back. I would happily answer that.

“Just got my studio. You know how I love taking photos so much so I did.”

Jiyeon nodded and had a sip on her drink. Stared at me blankly and I didn’t know how I survive from that.

“Congratulations,” she said, softly but cheerfully.

I didn’t expect seeing her would make me this happy. Especially knowing she’s grown to a wise woman and have her business. Though it hurts to know that I could no longer read her mind unlike before and that having here together with her is such a lucky day I could ever have. She still manage to smile at me and I, having a hard time to.

“I’m happy seeing you happy,” I confess, do not want to end this small talk we have,

“I’m always happy. I also did well even without you that I thought I couldn’t.”

From innocent Jiyeon to straightforward woman, my heart wrench its own hearing that sentence. I’ve hurt her so much to the point I ended our precious relationship that night. I gave her so much pain that thinking about it, makes me thought that I should be happy she’s here with me smiling – and as what she have said, she’s doing well even without me.

I always, always wanted to be by her side all this time. However, there are things that are more important than being with her; doing the things we love and fulfill the dreams together as promise. Sadly, I had the break it. I had to go. I thought of life is being too rude and unfair for me, that even spending my days with Jiyeon, I had to let it go just like that.

I giggled at the thought. I regretted leaving her but did not knowing she’s doing fine all this time.

“That was too blunt. Nonetheless, I’m still happy hearing that.” I smiled a little, fooling myself.

Jiyeon turn her head on the glass window, looking at the people who pass by. Maybe she's been thinking about her worries or business and such.

The cold look in her eyes and the cold words she utters, I can no longer handle it. It’s as if she doesn’t care that I exist at all even though I’m here in front. Who made her like that, I ask to myself.

“Was it easy for you?”

I get startled a bit hearing her question. I didn’t get her right away so I apologize and beg for her to explain.

“Was it easy for you to become you are right now?”

It wasn’t really easy, at all. If she meant about the past, it wasn’t for me. Things are never easy for me.

“I struggled though, so it wasn’t easy.” I replied, with a sheepish smile form on my face.

Jiyeon’s phone rings and she answered it right away. She says ok to the caller before the call ended. I guess she has to go. I still wanted to have a longer conversation with her today.

“I’m sorry I have to go now,” she excuses herself, “got someone to accompany with at my shop.” then reasoned out.

I nodded saying she could and never look at me back. I wanted to stand up so I could her hug however; I ended up berating myself for thinking such thoughts. It would be awkward and it would be painful if I do so.

“We should go out some other time if you don’t mind,” I bit my lip for that and thought of how stupid I am for saying that.

The beautiful lady laid her cold eyes at me. Breaking my own heart for her possible answer.

“Last time I recall, you’re only good at words,” she bluntly replied

“When did you become so frank like this, Jiyeon?”

“I wonder when…”

And just like that, she left me and said her goodbyes. It still matters to me.

Jiyeon still matters to me.

I went home heartbroken and gloomy. Didn’t have someone who I can talk to about what I feel tonight. The hatred I felt before slowly came back since it was all really my fault. She became so kind and gave me so warm love but all I did was to break her heart with one certain reason I do not want to let her know. I was right; I don’t deserve someone like Jiyeon. She’s too kind and perfect for stupid like me.

I jiggled the door knob and all I could hear is my mom’s voice welcoming me home. I went in with my head bow down making my mom curious as to what happened. She rush her way towards me and noticed she had already prepared our dinner. She prefers taking our dinner together.

“What happened?” she asks, still I couldn’t dare to look at her since I’m being vulnerable again.

Maybe I'm too obvious?

“Tell me what happened”

I do not want to let her know. I wanted to show how happy I am with the life I chose to her. I wanted to say that I am contended and really am for what I am today. But no, there’s this half of me saying I’m not. That all I did was to avoid the problem without any choice but to leave. Leaving Jiyeon without her knowing was my choice.

But I didn’t know that leaving her telling lies could be this painful.

“Mama, I still love her,” I cried,

“I still love her, so much..”

That all I can do this time is to let it out. Since I’ve been suffocated and lonely since then.

~~

Author’s note: Happy New Year everyone!