Author’s note: My sincere apologize for updating so sooooo late. But hey I’m still alive, I am here with another chapter again! Hope you guys will like it, thank you for reading and supporting this fic J

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Her lovely eyes couldn’t take away from mine. It was as if she was anticipating for something I might say – her orbs were still on focus, couldn’t even blink for once this time. While mine felt like got hypnotize by those stunning rare eyes, couldn’t even say anything as if I just got shut and don’t have any right to say something. As if I’m loss for words – amazed by this being; as if I got weak for a sudden – lose my strength.

 

The more I look at her the more this fire inside turn to flames. The more I keep silent the more blushed cheeks I get, knowing whenever I stare at her, she would always look at me back.

 

“Oh!” Jiyeon started, lifting her head as to look at the sky, “it’s snowing.”

 

I snap back to reality and look up the sky. It did snowed. Now those snowflakes landed on ours and that now we can feel the very cold temperature around us. I looked down and closed my eyes understanding this feeling I had. I don’t know what’s inside me, whether I’m just comfortable being with her or more than that. I don’t know if I should say to Jiyeon to stay right beside me, for I couldn't ask for more. And that now her hands pulled away from mine, I feel like I just loss that warm I wanted the most.

 

“It’s getting colder..” she said, “we should get going now. I don’t want us to get sick.”

 

“Let’s go.” I smiled, still my sight were on hers as she stroll away towards the gate.

 

 

What if I tell her? What if I’ll say these things I wanted to tell her? What if I hold her hand tight and say I’ll never let her go? What if I hug her and say I like her so much? That I think thinking about it makes me gone insane?

 

What if I let out my feelings towards her? Will Jiyeon feel the same way as much as I do?

 

But what if she doesn’t? What if I was the only one falling?

 

What if..

 

“Hyomin!”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Come on! I’m freezing already!”

 

What if I’ll only get hurt in the end?

 

As usual we went to a mall as I requested Jiyeon to. I wanted to buy her something as a thank you in return. There’s this little silence again as we took a cab, looking at each cab’s window sides. I don’t know if something came up with Jiyeon today, or just that I couldn’t say anything after she held my hand with the sweetest words came out from . I did glimpse at her many times, and I could only see a smiling Jiyeon as if she was thinking of something beautiful or fun. It was enough. Maybe I just wanted her to be by my side, enjoying staring at her without her knowing. Or that I just wanted us to have those awkward yet warm conversations as we tried to think of something interesting to talk to.

 

I have been thinking about this lately – the intense feeling I get when she calls my name and the little things she did that makes me so much happy I couldn’t believe why. I start to count the time whenever I’m not with her and won’t do whenever I’m with her. Though afraid to lose a friend like her, still I wanted to convey these beautiful feeling towards her but I don’t know how and at the same time I couldn’t because I was afraid.

 

I am always afraid for everything. I always think that way even though it seems like I don’t care for almost everything that surrounds me.

 

“Let’s eat some ramen!” Jiyeon started after a long silence between us, wrinkling her nose as she took a glimpse on me, “my treat!”

 

“Sure! But I have something to buy, so maybe we can after.”

 

“Fashion trends again?” she asked pouting her lips.

 

She always does this. Jiyeon finds window shopping or just shopping boring.

 

“It won’t take long, I promise.” I reassure.

 

“Okay.”

 

So she waited for me. And I quickly find something I could give to her today. Seen a lot of scarves with different brands and I immediately went to darker color ones and pick color black(well she likes black so much, it would be a waste if I give her something she doesn’t like) and went to cashier area to pay the bills. I wanted Jiyeon to take a scarf on since it snowed recently. Speaking of snow,  I smiled to myself remembering one of those cheesy-moment I just had – that it really is a great feeling to be with the one you love when its first fall of snow.

 

Ha, what am I thinking?

 

“Thank you! Please come back again.”

 

I smiled at her back and went straight to where I left Jiyeon at. Few more steps and I can clearly see Jiyeon smiling widely – and she’s talking to someone else.

 

It seems like she would always feel the same when she’s with her. Jiyeon was smiling. And I don’t know whether should I say I hated it that I found out it was her long time crush or just that I hated myself for feeling this way. Her giggles combined with her smiles while looking at her like that, I couldn’t conclude anything and that I don’t want to but why am I acting like this?

 

“Hyomin!”

 

I lifted my face up, put on a small smile and just directly went towards Jiyeon.

 

“So you’re with your friend.” Soyeon, looking at me, gave me that cute smile,

 

“She’s Soyeon, the one who has the great voice at school.”

 

Soyeon giggled at Jiyeon’s words. And I don’t want to see her expression.

 

“Nice to see you. I’m Hyomin.” I introduced myself.

 

I guess this day would go well. They were chattering and I find myself a burden. I have this feeling that Jiyeon is still in love with Soyeon, and I hate it when I have a doubtful feeling. I intentionally took my steps slower than them, so I couldn’t hear them talking to things I am not related to. Picking my earphones and maybe to listen some playlist would be great, on my way home.

 

“Wait, did you two planned to go somewhere?” the cuter asked, putting on her beanie as we’re on our way to exit’s way.

 

“Ahm yeah. Going to eat some dinner.” then Jiyeon replied warmly.

 

I secretly glimpse to Soyeon, very hoping she would not come up with the idea of coming with us.

 

“Well then,” she started, “I guess I have to leave you both now.”

 

I sigh in relief.

 

“Goodbye.”

 

Soyeon bid her goodbyes and before she does, the cuter mentioned about the performance thingy and complimented me as well as Eunjung. I was flattered a bit but I couldn’t deny this possessive side of mine. Wait did I just said I was jealous? Do I even have the right to?

 

“Hey..”

 

Jiyeon flick her elbow slowly on me, distracting my attention as she notice I was spacing out maybe.

 

“Oh?”

 

“Did you buy it already?”

 

My reply was only a ‘yes’ to her.

 

“Well, good then. So should we eat some ramen now?” Jiyeon asked, still with her happiest expression.

 

I doubt if I say I don’t want anymore, she might think something came up or just simply innocent Jiyeon would ask several questions again about why I don’t want it anymore. Somehow, it was this feeling for Jiyeon’s fault why I couldn’t answer anything or something that won’t end to something bad.

 

“I just loss my appetite but still I can accompany you.”

 

Jiyeon didn’t reply. I let her be, holding this thing I bought and hesitating to give it at first. But then I had thought of maybe letting this jealousy of mine aside and just go on with what’s going to happen and what we had planned tonight. I’m acting a little bit selfish that I shouldn’t. So childish of mine.

 

“I never thought she’s fun to talk with.”

 

I think I know whose she’s talking about, and I let her be.

 

“But you know I am happier now that I don’t have feelings to her.”

 

I paused. Some part of me wanted to believe but I could still remember how happy she was with her earlier. Was she lying? Or is Jiyeon telling me the truth? And why is she saying this to me?

 

“And?” finally I spoke out, getting curious to know what the truth is but I think I couldn’t.

 

“Let’s eat now. I don’t want to talk about her anymore.”

 

Jiyeon hold my hand again, dragging me out from the mall. Her hand was so cold, but I could still feel the slightest warm on it. Now, I forget about what I had felt recently – that now she’s here holding me, blabbering things I loved to hear from her and the way she opens the cab’s door to let me in first. Again, I liked her more than ever and I don’t want my worries to ruin this moment. And so, I smiled inside, deciding to give this scarf to her and won’t regret it after.

 

“Here you go.” I handed it to her, wanted to know her reaction, “I thought of buying you a scarf since you don’t have one.”

 

“Oh, thank you!” Jiyeon’s expression was priceless; I know she will love it.

 

“This kid, you bought one for mine and didn’t even buy for yourself?”

 

“But I have one now!”

 

We giggled and that night ended so well that I thought it wouldn’t.

~~~

 

Days passed so fast, and I made some pancakes for my breakfast early in the morning and planned to just stay at home to do something. I am currently browsing some universities’ information today though I already had a choice since last night. I printed out as well the apartments’ addresses and planned to acquire one. Been prepared some lessons might come out from entrance exam and might as well tell Jiyeon about my plan.

 

Well she hasn’t decided yet and I haven’t told her I had already.

Closing my laptop and buried my body on my bed, been tired from school works and everything. I get up again and took the last bite of my own-made pancakes, grab my phone to maybe send this friend of mine a good morning message.

 

 

From: Jiyeon

It’s really cold today.

Please don’t go out without a warm jacket

And also the scarf I gave ^^

Be warm and have a great day!

 

“How sweet~”

 

Is Jiyeon going to be this sweet any longer?

 

To: Jiyeon

Ha, think I’m going to spend my day cuddling my bed

Please do the same.

 

Not really though, I’m planning to visit her this afternoon. I want to tell her my choice personally, well; I just wanted to see her.

 

It was almost 4 in the afternoon when I had prepared myself to go out. Checked my phone’s battery and ignored the unread messages from a certain person I don’t want to talk to. My mom just found out where I am currently staying, and I needed to stop her from begging outside to come see her and talk to her.

 

Worst to me was I told the landlady to say I am not here anymore, so she won’t bother coming back here again every late at night and I find it really inconvenient to my fellow dorm mates.

 

And at the very least, I am hoping she’s doing well. I am hoping she’ll do the things I told her to, right then I’ll come back to her, as I try to heal her wounded heart I should had before.

 

And I’m going to try my best to become the good daughter she would ever have.

 

“You going out?”

 

Some of my dorm mates passed by, looking at me getting dressed up obviously going to go out. I smiled at her feeling guilty – I always decline her offer to join them, and I feel so sorry about it.

 

“Uh yeah, going to visit a friend.” I replied.

 

“Take care then! Heard it’s going to be so cold outside.”

 

I nodded and went straight outside. Called out a cab and stated Jiyeon’s address. I brought some kimchi too; Jiyeon loved spicy foods so much. I wanted to grill some samgyupsal too, and had a lettuce on it but I haven’t got enough time with it.

 

Now I’m in front of their gate, wanted to get my phone out and texted her but her mom coincidentally was from the market and she saw me standing by, and I could only say ‘hi’ since it’s still awkward talking with her. Her mom accompanied me and let me sit on their cozy couch. Quickly prepared some hot tea and brag out that she loved tea so much and been happy to hear I am too.

 

“Glad you came to visit Jiyeon,” her mom uttered, “I am really happy now that she have a friend to visit and get visit to.” then giggled.

 

“Well I just wanted to say something to her, ” I responded and giggled as well.

 

“Oh! Suddenly I remember she went out to see a friend? I thought it’s you?”

 

 

Jiyeon has another friend? Was I only her friend?

 

“Did she?” I asked, bewildered.

 

“Yeah, she was in a hurry a while ago. But she said she won’t take too long.”

 

Maybe she’s going out with her childhood friend or something like that?

 

“Ah I see. I’ll just wait then.”

 

“Don’t you want to call her?”

 

I shook my head lightly and drank my tea slowly. Her mom said her excuse since she was preparing for dinner, and Jiyeon’s dad was on their room, maybe work on with some papers or anything related to work. Now I’m here alone looking through their family pictures I once witnessed when I was staying here, and laid my sight on the flower vase with a pink roses. I slowly stood up, went towards the vase near the window. I wonder why Jiyeon liked pink roses so much – or a rose rather, was it because she loved that girl or was it because she just loves roses?

 

I let my mind thought of reality again, as I notice I will end up thinking of her crush and her feelings and everything will mess up after. So pick up one of the roses and smell its scent – and I couldn’t help but to remember that day when my dad gave bunch of pink roses to my mom. Father told me about roses, and he was the one who told me its meanings. Since then I love roses and flowers a lot, and that thinking about it makes me want to cry since remembering glory days will always end me tearing up.

 

“Roses wither.”

 

“I know, but true feelings won’t.”

 

I shook my head again and put the roses back to its vase. I glimpse at the window and could clearly see it’s snowing again. I wanted to send Jiyeon a message but then, I got intrude when I saw her at the gate, came from a cab, with someone else, smiling prettily like that as they were standing together.

 

“So, she was the friend…”

 

I don’t want to see it but at the same time I wanted to witness how Jiyeon would react. But as always, only blooming and happy Jiyeon could be seen on her, and I don’t want to deny that she’s not happy with Soyeon, laughing like that and the way she hug her tightly like that, what else do I want myself to think?

 

Ah, I see. Now I understand. Now I completely remember what my father told me years ago,

 

“Feelings are all the same.”

 

If it won’t fade away as time goes by, then maybe feelings will revive its own feelings.

 

Feelings are all like that.

 

~~~