I was all alone in my warm room, my back against the headboard while playing with my phone. Not really ‘playing’ since I’m thinking of sentence from words to send to a particular contact person. Hesitantly doing so, I end up throw my phone on the bed and I contempt myself for being like this. I am just too timid for such things and I don’t think it’s my fault either, or was it?

My mind came up with a simpler topic to start with, so I came to my senses again and start to type those letters on my phone’s screen.

Hi. Good evening

“Nah, that’s way too simple.” shaking off my head a little as I deleted those words. Sigh

Hi, have you take your dinner yet?

Oh snap! I am so being obvious, we had our dinner together just an hour ago what is wrong with me?

Hyomin, do we have assignment for tomorrow?

Hyomin, did you check some updates regarding with school events?

Hyomin, did you perhaps passed by school council office? I thought of asking some questions or suggestions…

Hyomin….

Hyomin are you free tomorrow after class?

I tried to attempt sending those messages to her and end up deleting those in the end. I didn’t know why, I am just uncomfortable sending those. But I really want to text her tonight, to wish her goodnight and sweet dreams’ enough.

I buried my body on my cozy bed, had to set my mind to peace for now. I glanced on the side which she used to lay on; I could just say I really do miss her being with me here. Now that I had remembered what had exactly happened an hour ago, I couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear whenever I recall from her hugging me warmly. I couldn’t even stop those fluttering feelings I had and my heart that feels like going to jump off from my chest.

It pounds hastily.

“Don’t forget to bring your umbrella!” my mom shouted doing the dishes as she continues, “weather broadcast says it’ll be rain today.”

I nodded saying okay to her, “did dad take the tea I brought last night?” then I asked.

“Yeah he did. It was his favorite, you’re his daughter indeed.” then blunts, chuckles.

“He need some though. Anyways, it was Hyomin’s choice.”

“She’s onto teas too?”

“I guess so.”

Standing, I walked towards my mom after to kiss her cheeks and say goodbye. Though tired, I just feel energize every morning I wake up and for one certain reason – I have to see her of course. It literally changed my daily routine.

“I have to go.” I kiss her cheeks.

“Take care!” and so she does.

Right before I closed the main door, I waved my hands to my mom bidding goodbye. I just hope this day will be wonderful as yesterday. I am so excited for possible happenings.

[HYOMIN’S POV]

My alarm rings, I have to get up early. I still have more time to prepare myself to school and I really needed that amount of time. After washing up and took a fresh bath, I reviewed my answers from yesterday’s worksheet and I have to remember as well the dance steps and lyrics to be sang on our performance next week.

The land lady was having a conversation with my other dorm mates.  And to be not rude towards them, since they’re on the way, I greeted them with a ‘good morning’ and said my goodbyes after. They were such a nice person I could hang out with, but I just don’t usually go out from my room and have some talk to them. That one day I recalled, the others had tried to persuade me to go with them to a resto to enjoy, but I shook my head saying no since I had to take some notes and study that night.

And recently they reminded me, since I declined their offer last time; maybe I could try and join them after my practice today. There’s no wrong in trying, if I could go along with them and not feeling out-of-place then there’s really no problem with that.

A sudden beep from my phone notifies me – I just had received a message from someone I’m happy being with.

From: Jiyeon

Can we go out again after practice?

I smiled knowing I really wanted to read those from that person, so my mind had changed quickly – maybe I could hang out with them some other time.

“I’m sorry I forgot I have some appointment to attend to,” I reasoned out “maybe we can do it on other day, I am really sorry.”

“Uhh..” the other whined in despair.

“We had been inviting you for tons already,” the other girl said, hopelessly.

“It’s okay, we can do it some other time if you wanted so.”

“Thanks, I really have to go now.” then I walked out leaving them behind, it’s not that I don’t really feel like not hanging out with them. But I have my priorities too.

Yeah, I did said priorities.

I went my way to school through bus and as usual, there were only few students in the campus since it was still very early. I walked through locker room and grab my supplies that are needed for today’s lessons. A smaller girl came beside me as she opens her locker too, and that I had noticed she was not that pleasant today. Her locker doesn’t have any pink rose though, I couldn’t tell whether Jiyeon is giving her up or that she literally had moved on from her, and don’t bother give some.

Jiyeon find herself a burden to their relationship? I don’t think it’s her fault.

“Good morning!” I greeted softly to this girl who were writing something on her little notebook,

“G-good morning!” Jiyeon got startled for a while, am I a ghost or something?

“Are you, perhaps, going to buy that scarf I recommended you to?” I asked, slowly putting my bag on my desk.

“Yeah I had thought of it. Winter’s coming soon.” she replied, “anyway my dad loved the tea you chose last night. Thanks for that.”

“No problem.”

Lessons were packed up, and so everyone was so focus on the teachers’ discussions. Some just doesn’t care with that one teacher we had called ‘too-kind’ to her students. She wouldn’t scold nor give punishments though, she doesn’t even care if her students were listening or not. As long as she had tackled the chapters she had planned for days, but I don’t think this would still work out. But anyways, I can’t really tell if she’s a great teacher, I mean she has the skills but don’t want to get my classmates attention so her words from won’t be wasted.

Break time, so I went myself to my partner who’s eating soundly on her seat, with Boram her friend sharing her part. I took some notes for our performance and glad I had made it with no worries. I just needed to hand it to Eunjung so she could have some updates and by that we won’t have any difficulties on the presentation.

“I like their hairstyles.” Eunjung complimented on the list of girls who had various types of hairstyles on the magazine she’s reading,

We were on the lobby, on our way to ditch school to have some practice on a studio Eunjung’s friend owned.

“Don’t you want to change yours before presentation?”

“For what?” I asked.

“You know, for a different look. Having the same hairstyle all over a year is something like boring.” she uttered, well at some point she’s right.

“I’ll pass. I don’t feel like changing or having a different. I’m just good at this.”

“Aren’t you a fashionista?”

I looked at her bewildered, I know I love fashion but can I call myself one?

“Why?”

“Some of our classmates saw you that one weekend, and kept on complimenting your fashion sense. I bet they liked you.”

Liked me? I just picked the ones I liked and that matches the season, that’s all.

“Anyways, what type of hairstyle do you like?” Eunjung asked me again, she’s too curious.

“I like short hairstyles.”

“Like bob cut?” she reassure, “or long bob cut?”

“Nope,” I shook my head in disagreement, “I like the ones till on shoulders, the ones with fringe. It’s cute seeing girls like that.” I stated expressing my opinion.

I smiled to Eunjung then got interrupted when a shorter girl came trying to surprise us – but it was an epic fail. I just don’t want to describe.

“Are you crazy?” the short-haired girl laughs so hard, pestering Boram.

“Would you stop? I just tried to see your scared reaction,” Boram pouted, and then I looked on the girl beside her, smiling at me.

“Going to go out and practice?” she asked, still smiling.

“Yeah,” I replied “We gotta go now; we all don’t want to waste time.”

We bid our goodbyes after having a small talk. And after reaching our destination, we have no doubt to begin our practice since we are only given 1 hour to have some. Eunjung started the intro, sang her parts in the song as she dance and show a sad gestures came from the sad melody and the lyrics. My part was on the second verse, and did the same dance steps in the chorus part and had a duo singing, and we have also parts were we do alternatively.

The practice went well, as well as what we did for the past 2 days. Eunjung is a nice partner, though she always shows me her sleepyhead side but she’s a hard working one. She has a determination, and good at singing and dancing too. She has the skill, but maybe she has another dream she wanted to pursue than become a singer or an idol.

After an hour of practicing some lines and dance steps, for a complete performance, now we have to change our clothes up since we’re soaked in sweat. Eunjung brought some bottled water and gave me one, she is such a nice kid. We rested for a while, and something came up with Eunjung that all I wanted to respond was to decline.

“I’ll be going to my parent’s restaurant nearby after, wanna come and join me?” she offered.

I gulped some water before replying, “Sorry, I have some things to do. But I can accompany you to go there together.”

“It is such a nice restaurant and the meals were good to. You should try there some other time; just tell me if you’ll go, okay?”

Leaving me here with no choice, I just nodded to end our conversation.

Eunjung and I walked through their restaurant, we’ve reached in front of the main glass door with an open sign on it and I’m here ready to say goodbye. Their restaurant was not that big, but I can see customers having their lovable meals together with their friends or families there since it has a glass wall and its design contains soothing and simple colors.

“I got to go now,” I said meekly.

“Take care!”

My partner went in to their restaurant. My hands were on my jacket’s pocket since its cold. I continue my way to a place where Jiyeon and I planned to – we’ll meet again tonight to buy scarf and stuff.

I planned to buy her a scarf last night, but to my dismay, I left some of my extra money from my dorm so I didn’t get the chance to. I recommended her to have some and I thought she would grab it. But to my surprise, she came on buying things that are more important for her – she really wanted to buy a tea for her father that night and I let her be. I even made the choice since I knew some that are really good and have a great quality.

I was about to take some faster steps to get there on time – but a loud familiar voice came in to my hearing. A woman begging for a man’s return as she keeps on sobbing and asking for forgiveness that I really find unnecessary.  The man with his pride moved the women’s touch on him, looking really irritated for her actions.

I don’t want to hear such thing. I don’t even want to see them, that’s why I live on my own. Because I don’t want to feel the pain and the imperfect family I got.

My father left my mom behind; I have no idea if he sees me. I have to walk away. I want to ignore everything and for that I feel so bad and rude towards my mother. I was never been a good daughter.

“Hyomin?”

I paused. I know I shouldn’t.

“Hyomin is that you?” she came closer to me, her both hands on mine, begging “please go home. Mama is so lonely.”

I looked at her with my straight face. Those emotions from her, those frown and tears from her eyes and her cracked and shaky voice. I don’t get it why is she keeping these things that is not going to happen again? Why is my mom forcing me to be happy and for all above things, why is she doing so? Why is she pretending okay with these entire mess father created?

“Mama miss you so much. Have you done well? Where are you staying at? You have to come back so we can eat our dinner together.” she keeps on babbling, I don’t know how to stop her.

“Do you want something to eat tonight? I can cook some just please go home – “

“Mom enough.” I uttered.

“Hyomin..” she started again, her voice cracked, “do you hate me too?”

Looking away for I don’t want to witness how her tears fall from her eyes. How she tries to convince me to go home and how she convey her expression through her words, hopelessly. It’s all her fault for wanting a perfect family. It’s all her fault for having a husband like my father. It’s all her fault.

“If you wanted to have a perfect one, then I’m afraid to say I don’t want it.” I exclaimed in pain.

Her grip on me slowly starts to loosen. I know she knew what I mean.

“And I’m not going to come back if you still wanted it.”

Again I left her in pain. I made my mom cry again. I made my mom take that pain she doesn’t deserve to take and kept. I left my mom alone, hopeless, desperate, and wounded. And that it seems like I’m guilty for everything I had done; that I should be comforting her instead of saying those painful words and discriminations. Instead of looking down, I should have just been with her all the time and say the positive ones to wash away all her negatives. I should have just done that instead.

Now, I’m here sitting on a bench. Thunder storms could be heard and it startled me every time it does since I am really afraid of some. The cold wind blew so strong, that I think it will rain sooner. I looked down, and not after a couple of seconds, heavy rain drops now starts to pour. Everyone was running and finding some shelter, everyone leave the park afraid of getting soaked. But I am here, sitting – don’t even care how the rain soaked me. I don’t care, I don’t even know if it’s the rain that runs down on my cheeks or is it just my tears.

With my sobbing sound no one can hear, I feel colder and number tonight. Suddenly a person’s shoe that is visible to my sight – though I got my eyes watery and so. I lifted up my face realizing the rain drops don’t hit me anymore. That now I’m looking at someone with her umbrella, standing there looking back at a hopeless girl like me.

The person I wanted to see the most.

~~~