“Jiyeon it’s already six, aren’t you going to get up?”

 

My mom knocks at my door a few times and later stop after saying those things.

 

“You’ll be going to late get up now”

 

Since she’s very persistent, I can’t stop her.

 

I am burying myself with my comfy blanket on my cozy bed. Thinking about what happened last night and those words hit real hard onto me. Yes I did said to keep this friendship no matter what – but I guess I’m taking it back now, since I don’t want to see nor talk to Hyomin after what had happened.

 

“Jiyeon?” mom persistently called me out,

 

“I don’t want to go to school today,” I responded, in a weaker way.

 

“Why? You’re not feeling well?”

 

I did not reply. I just wanted to comfort myself right now, and to at least further this thinking of whether to talk to Hyomin or not anymore. Sound rude and guilty, I thought about it again. I asked myself over and over again about why I love her but I couldn’t get an answer – maybe because I don’t have to, and that thinking about it is a useless thing.

 

The feeling of rejection is somehow as much painful as I had imagined, I was right that I couldn’t predict but I was wrong about feeling this way. I thought I’ll get better when she said to not love me since I was her friend, but it was the irony. Am I feeling of wanting something more than a friendship? Do I sound greedy right now? Why would I feel this way? Is it because I love her or is this another infatuation I used to felt before that I strongly admitted it as true love?

 

“Is my daughter having a cold or fever?”

 

Due to much thinking I didn’t even realize mom made her way in my room with her spare key. Feeling like didn’t want to let her know, I had thought of faking it for at least today.

 

“You’re not sick..” she placed her hand on my forehead, “did you mean you’re not emotionally feeling well?”

 

She got me there…

 

“Mom…” I pouted,

 

“Don’t tell me fraud excuses, get up now so you’ll get to eat your breakfast.”

 

“But I don’t want to go to school,…”

 

My mom raised her brows, indicating something I get that quick. Alright, I can’t win if she’s my opponent.

 

“Fine…” I frowned as my mom giggled.

 

If only she knows what I’m up to, will she understand and comfort me?

 

I grab my phone and inputted the password to unlock it. The very first thing I see on my phone is her picture – ah, I was staring at her photo all night long and felt how pathetic I am. I start to heave a very depressing sigh and just decided to take a warm shower. Hoping I will be fine, from this pain I feel whenever I try to recall that scenario last night.

 

“You can’t fall in love with me..”

 

What was that supposed to mean?

 

All of her words kept popping up on my head; they seem to waking me up from fantasy to reality. It did hurt a lot – it was like I was inside a cornered room with no windows and doors, which I couldn’t even breathe properly. The skip of my heart and its weak beats, the words I couldn’t say and the questions I couldn’t ask, was all there messing my mind. I thought I was emotionally ready but I wasn’t. Maybe because it’s my first time conveying feelings to someone that unfortunately I got immediately rejected.

 

Rejection…

 

How am I supposed to handle it?

 

“Hey…”

 

I lifted my head lazily to my mom. I bet she was observing me spacing out staring blankly at my meal in front.

 

“Aren’t you going to eat?” she asks very concern.

 

I stand up and shook my head lightly. Feeling my eyes got teary, I look away and took my bag as I don’t want her to see me almost crying – and will be in no time.

 

“I just lose my appetite…” I reasoned out, “I’ll just going to grab meal at school. I have to go now.”

 

Right then, I took steps away from my home. Unknowingly, tears starts to fall down.

[END OF JIYEON’S POV]

 

[HYOMIN’S POV]

I don’t know what had just happened. It was like a dream – a very depressing dream. I’m supposed to say I did felt the same, but I didn’t want to because of this doubtful feeling. I know how exactly dejected is like but I couldn’t think straight on why I did that to Jiyeon.

 

“I don’t deserve your love. I don’t even deserve to be called your dad”

 

“Why is papa crying?”

 

“Soon you’ll understand.”

 

I couldn’t sleep at night since I remember those things in the past. It was unforgettable and very inconsolable.

 

“You will hate me and I won’t blame you for that.”

 

That I remember it now, I know exactly why I have these skeptical feelings and thoughts – it was because of him.

 

“Papa has to leave. Promise me to grow healthily and be a wise woman in the future.”

 

Added those things I had witness on her, the way she was with Soyeon and the way she smiles and very happy to be with her, made me have this feeling. I don’t know why I said that to her, I feel very guilty for hurting her like that. I don’t even know how to approach and say sorry for it since I know myself I wasn’t that honest. I did lied and that I was being coward.

 

“Hyomin…. I like you”

 

That seeing her giving me pink rose makes me remind of how in love she was with her crush back then. That all the possibilities father said to me before and my worries combined together made me like this.

 

“Feelings are all the same.”

 

“Damn it!”

 

I hit my hands on my desk, making a fist. I want to restrain myself from all the things I am worried to and just think about the present, but I couldn’t make it. I couldn’t even make it for the person I love because my father did so and I am very afraid that it’ll happen to me again. I am afraid that someday she’ll do the same and I am afraid to feel that miserable pain again.

 

I went my way to school at exactly past 7 in the morning. We only have two more weeks and it will be winter vacation soon. I sit on my chair and stare at the vacant seat in front. I don’t even know how to face her and how to make myself being comfortable with her again after that.

 

The school ring rang indicating classes will start. I was hoping that Jiyeon is just late but unfortunately she didn’t show up and skipped the class.

 

“Is Jiyeon not feeling well today?”

 

Boram asks me since I’m the only close friend she has. And for sure she was hoping I know why she’s not around today, sadly I don’t.

 

“Maybe she’ll be late.” I responded.

 

Our class continued but it seems like she won’t come today. I wanted to send her a message or a call maybe to check her out, but I couldn’t make it.

 

Somehow it makes me think that I’m the reason why she’s not around. That now the guilt slowly embracing me for giving her heart-wrenching words last night. I typed a message asking if she was alright, find my urge to press that send button but I end up put my phone down and heave a very big sigh. I can’t calm down.  Knowing she was hurt and I can’t just stay here doing nothing about it. But since I don’t have the courage to do so, I’ll just let this day be. I’ll just going to ask her if she’s around in school.

 

“Park residence”

 

“Mrs. Park?”

 

“Speaking”

 

“Ahmm, hello it’s Hyomin.”

 

“Oh Hyomin! Why you called?”

 

“I would just like to ask if Jiyeon is okay?”

 

I asked our adviser for Jiyeon’s telephone number. I tried calling her one time but she won’t pick up her phone. Now I am more worried – Jiyeon was absent for 3 days now with no news about her.

 

“Yeah she’s doing fine. Though she comes home a bit late these days from school, I heard you two decided to review together for Seoul University’s entrance exam?”

 

I furrowed my brows. It sounded like her mom didn’t know she skipped class for days now. Why is that?

 

“Ah yeah, we did.” I replied, still processing the situation.

 

“Anyway, why ask me about Jiyeon? Don’t you two always get together at school?”

 

“I ah..” I sigh for knowing that, “I just wanted to make sure. She’s kinda weird these days.” then I didn’t tell her the truth.

 

Her mom hangs up the phone since she was busy with her business. I am here trying to understand it. If her mom only knows she’s going to school since last 3 days, then where does she go instead of school?

 

This is all my fault.

 

Once again, I call her up after having a conversation with her mom. I would like to know why she’s skipping class and if it was the real reason that I thought, then I could say she was literally avoiding me. I don’t want her to make lies saying she’s up at school though she wasn’t around to her mom.  I don’t want her to be like that just because of me and I just can’t stand it knowing she’s somewhere out there leaving me clueless and so does to her mom without knowing.

 

Irritatingly, she won’t answer my calls and messages.

 

Not wasting any time, I had now decided to just visit to her house and ask her directly. This is very wrong, I don’t know what came up to her mind for doing it so. I might see her all the way since its still noon break and I will let her talk to me about it.

 

“Where do you want to go?” the driver asks me so I did told him about Jiyeon’s address.

 

I look around as the cab was on the way, hoping I could find her. We passed by to malls, street markets and I dumbly check if she was one standing there, in that crowded place. This makes me crazy. Feeling really hopeless for thinking where could she have been, and feeling very worried and sorry for her. I got this frustrating expression as I kept on looking around, but in the end gave in and looked down. Couldn’t find her by just sitting here, I have to do something.

 

I feel fortunate as I last glimpse at the one of the mall’s entrance when I luckily see her – on her way going in. Told the driver to stop and quickly went out from the cab after giving him the transportation fee, so I couldn’t lose her and could still follow her.

 

Jiyeon was wearing school uniform covered by her black jacket. So did she just spend her time roaming around malls all the time?

 

“This kid…”

 

I shook my head lightly as I was still following her all around. She went to a small café and went out after for going to somewhere I need to find out. She pass by cinemas corner too, I thought she would go in and watch some movie. I couldn’t even dare look away since I want to know where she’s going, and the last thing she went to was this game station.

 

She went in and saw her play one of the arcade games.

 

“So you’re spending your time here instead of school?”

 

The brunette directly lifted her head up, feeling destructed since she was playing a game. I can see her shock expression seeing me standing here, crossing my arms. And I know she can tell that I am very angry about what she’s been doing.

 

“Hyomin… why are you here?” Jiyeon asks,

 

“I should be the one to ask that.”

 

I want to hear her reasons about why but it was too loud that we wouldn’t get a chance to have a very comfortable conversation.

 

“Let’s talk.”

 

We went to a place where it was quiet and warm – and I had decided to bring her out to a small café with divided small spaces so we could talk. I was expecting she would decline my offer, but I guess I wore my very mad look towards her that made her say yes about it.

 

I ordered some coffee so we could have a sip on it as we talk. I want to say sorry first, but seeing her spacing out gazing at the coffee makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable to talk to.

 

“Tell me why,” after the messy thoughts that goes around my mind, I finally just decided to start to speak, “why are you doing this?”

 

The brunette in front was gloomy, stirring the coffee with the small spoon as she added another sugar in it. She wouldn’t just say a thing.

 

I took a sip on my coffee and observe her again. I could just sigh since she doesn’t want to talk, and I couldn’t do anything if she doesn’t want to with me.

 

“Let’s just cut classes together,” I said bluntly,

 

“W-what?”

 

“Let’s waste our time together till you want to talk to me.”

 

I offer her my hand, asking her to leave with me together. Jiyeon was hesitating to, and I’m being patient about waiting for her to get up. Then finally she holds my hand, and so we went to some places to kill some time though without any words spoken.

 

We both went to see a movie, as I said; I wanted to waste some time until she find her urge to talk to me. I know it was awkward for her, well, same goes to me. I couldn’t just dare ask her directly about why she’s avoiding me, the answer was too obvious. I want her to feel like I wasn’t around and think about what will she’s going to say on me, but since that night, I know deep inside she can’t convey those especially I dumped her like that.

 

“If you still don’t want to talk then let’s call it a day.” I said to her, it was almost 7 in the evening. I couldn’t be persistent tonight.

 

The same place and the same bench, I just had realize this where the place Jiyeon declared her feelings to me. I almost gave in and sigh, so I thought of maybe to give her some time. Jiyeon was so quiet and I am not used to it. It was as if I was all alone feeling the cold breeze, and that I couldn’t feel her presence right here beside me. As if she was in another world, thinking things alone. That I guess she was still thinking I don’t feel the same way as much as she does, that she’s heartbroken, that she wants to be alone.

 

But I don’t want her to be alone.

 

“I’m sorry…”

 

I was about to get up and say my goodbyes but it got intruded when she finally say something after a few hours of waiting.

 

“I’m sorry for loving you..”

 

Right now, I don’t want to hear her saying sorry. I am not here with her to know she was so sorry about what she felt.

 

“You can’t just say sorry just like that,” I resounded, “it’s not your fault.”

 

Jiyeon with her gloomy expression, stared blankly at the ground filled with snow.

 

And right after a few seconds, the sad girl continued, “I shouldn’t be here with you. I don’t really want to see you since I was embarrassed.”

 

“No. I’m sorry,” I apologize, “but you shouldn’t skip classes without your mom knowing.”

 

Jiyeon shut again, it felt like she was about to cry since I could hear her voice almost crack up.

 

“I don’t want her to know that I got dumped,” she laughed bitterly; “you do know I hid this side of me as a secret.”

 

“We’re still friends right?” she asks, finding her courage to look on me but then again she would directly look away,

 

“Can you forgive me for still loving you after that night?”

 

I looked on her because she was looking at me. I can feel her sincerity through the look on her teary eyes. I don’t want to hear her cracking voice as she tried her best to converse, because it is the saddest sound I could ever hear.

 

“Why do you love me?” this was the question I wanted to ask, and I wanted to know exactly why.

 

“I can’t answer that..”

 

Though completely worried about her with me right now, I just wanted to stop this heart to heart conversation. I don’t want to feel the guilt anymore, for I know I was the reason she’s almost crying while trying to spoke out the words from her heart. I don’t want to see her frown expression and hear her sobbing sound, because I exactly know I was the cause for it. I don’t want to remember how I broke her heart, and I know by just sitting here right next to her, it breaks her heart even more.

 

“I really meant what I said that night,” Jiyeon sigh, trying to avoid her tears to flow, “just for you to know, if ever you’re doubting.”

 

Jiyeon took something out from her bag, and handed me a book I am familiar with. It was Lang Leav’s book, now I know why I couldn’t find it.

 

“I should had return it earlier. Now I almost done reading those all..”

 

I take my book from her and open it – there I saw pink petals on the very first page. I guess I know what she really means by it.

 

“It’s alright. I’m okay.” she smiled, “I just wanted to keep this friendship that I don’t want to lose, shall we?”

 

This friendship?

 

“Can I still be your friend?”

 

I don’t know. I don’t exactly know why I couldn’t answer her straight away. Our friendship is special and here she is asking me to keep it whatever happens. But I ain’t sure, since I honestly don’t want just a friendship.

 

I look at her with sincerity – now my heart starts to beat fast like what it did when she confessed. That it was loud, and gets louder when I leaned closer and kiss her lips without thinking.

 

I kissed her. I kissed Jiyeon because I can’t hide the fact that I love her too.

 

~~~