[HYOMIN’S POV]

It’s quiet in the afternoon when I decided to bring all the notes I had prepared for my review and for Jiyeon. Well, we still have to review for the entrance exam in Seoul University and I have to try my best to help her since she really wanted to get a passing mark. Here I am now, feeling conscious. The innocent in front won’t take away her eyes on me – that is something bothersome. To think we’re here together to study, but I guess this won’t go well if she’s like this.

 

“Please concentrate.” I reminded her, still my eyes on the paper, highlighting sentences that are much needed.

 

Jiyeon starts to write again on the paper. That made me relief and so I tried to continue where I left at. Few minutes later, the brunette tapped her point finger on the table to get my attention. So I lift my head up and look on her.

 

“I’m confused about this formula…”

 

She handed me the paper full of formulas and numbers on it, I had a long way to go for this. I heard this girl doesn’t like math.

 

I started to explain each towards her. Shared what I had learned from teachers and made it easier for her to understand. I wasn’t looking at her though – the guilt is still with me whenever I try to be with her and be calm. That scenario won’t just fade away the way I wanted it so. The feeling I felt, for the first time, won’t just go away the way I wanted her to let go.

 

“Don’t you want to be with me anymore?”

 

I snap back to reality, hearing such thing. I have no choice but to look on her and see if she’s kidding or she really mean it. I guess the awkwardness made us like this, or it was all assumed. Or that it was all just me, really wanting to push her away.

 

“Why you say so?” I ask her back, didn’t really want to answer that.

 

“You seem not in the mood whenever you’re with me?” Jiyeon tilt her head, pouting.

 

I shook my head lightly and just forget about what I was thinking and focus. To my dismay, things like this won’t just fade away. I should’ve not done that in the first place, right then things like this won’t happen.

 

The working students were pacing and did arrange all the books to its shelves. We were at the library since this place is a perfect one to study. One of the students reminded us that it’ll be close in 15 minutes, so we have to evacuate to some place we’re comfortable at.

 

Words wouldn’t come out from my mouth so does Jiyeon. Things are getting more awkward – we’re not use to this. We should be teasing at each other at a time like this on our way home. We should be laughing at our own lame jokes as we try to stop repeating the words we failed to pronounce or such things. Jiyeon and I should be talking to each other warmly, but today and onwards, I don’t know if that will happen again.

 

Who would have thought we’ll end up having these feelings for each other?

 

“We’ll just continue these tomorrow after class,” I started, “tell me if you’re not busy so I could prepare.”

 

Jiyeon didn’t respond. It was quiet – too quiet to imagine.

 

We made our way out together as we were waiting for the bus. I glimpse at her and that I think she’s thinking things too deep. I can’t tell if she’s thinking about me and the feelings grown on her, but today, all I can see is a quiet and a very different Jiyeon. She would always smile and so that made me wonder. Was the reason still the same?

 

“Hyomin…”

 

The brunette finally speak up – the air smokes were visible from , marking it was really cold.

 

“Hmm?”

 

Jiyeon was looking down; I bet she was having an argument to herself whether to tell me things she really wanted me to know. The things I wanted to hear from her and the things she needed much answers.

 

An honest answer.

 

“Do you mind if I ask…” she continued, “did you feel the same way too?”

 

My heart beat starts to go crazy again. I can now feel my ears starts to get warm.  That now I feel nervous, I don’t know whether to tell her the truth or not this time.

 

“Do you?”

 

Jiyeon laid her eyes on me – giving me that sincere look. Her eyes filled with passion and a very honest feeling, I could see that.

 

“I..” I wanted to convey the feelings inside but there’s this something stopping me..

 

“I love you..”

 

I look on her to see her reaction. I was expecting a very cheerful Jiyeon but my second sentence made her not to –

 

“But I don’t want to.”

 

It was a blunt respond. Well, that was the very least honest answer I could give to her. I still left her hanging.

 

“Why?” she asked, “tell me why..”

 

“Is it because I’m a girl?”

 

No, that’s not my point.

 

The bus came at the right timing so I wouldn’t bother answering all the questions she asked me. I quickly went to the bus and sat at the very last row, looking at the outside window. Jiyeon followed me and I guess I hurt her a lot from that. I am such a very bad person. In fact I’m doing this because she doesn’t deserve me as well as I don’t deserve a very lovable Jiyeon.

 

I thought she will leave me after saying that, to my surprise she is still here with me. Jiyeon is still with me sitting beside me quietly. I want her to stay away because I know she’s killing inside. I tried pushing her away but it just won’t work. I want her to hold a grudge on me. I want her to hate me for that. I want her to say the blunt things on me so she’ll hurt me back the way I did to her. I want her to revenge, so I will know the feeling of being embraced comfortably and crashed down all to pieces before being left at.

 

I just want her to be mine.

 

But there’s a problem in me..

~~

Another quiet and gloomy day came. Classes went well and lessons were almost done for the month but I am here not absorbing all the lessons from our teachers. Who would have the courage to? I tried to not affect my studies from this love life but I failed. The girl in front won’t even bother look or check on me or to just say good morning. The things she would do to me in the morning, none of them had done by Jiyeon today.

 

“We only have a week left and it’ll be your winter vacation.”

 

Students were cheering hearing the good news. As well as the teacher wished us a happy Christmas and New Year in advance since she will no longer take classes starting tomorrow. Ms. Kim has to travel from another country and she has done her part as a teacher already for this month.

 

“I won’t be giving you any projects to be submitted next year so spend your lovely time with your family, okay?”

 

“Got it Ms. Kim!”

 

My classmates were happy hearing such news. I should feel the same but I did not. And I know she doesn’t feel the same too.

 

“But before you go please submit this activity after my session.” Ms. Kim added.

 

Other students submitted their papers in front while I continued my part quietly. The brunette in front stood up and went her way towards our teacher to pass her paper, and so I followed as I just recently finished mine.

 

“Jiyeon, could you please send these papers at my office and put these on my desk?”

 

Jiyeon nodded.

 

Now, I have to go home alone and don’t have the right to wait for her. What for? To hurt her again?

 

I went back to my desk and put all the things on my bag before leaving. Eunjung and the midget were still chattering and some of my classmates too. I just have to go home and maybe just send Jiyeon an email about the review notes I always wanted to teach to her.

 

“Hyomin?” Eunjung, who was at my side calling my attention giving me that concern look.

 

I turned my head on her and waited.

 

“What’s wrong with you two?”

 

I know what she meant by that but I just don’t want to talk about it with them. I bet they thought we’re arguing over something like what normally friends do, but we aren’t.

 

“There’s nothing wrong..” I replied, with a heavy heart.

 

I went my way back to home all alone. There’s no more Jiyeon kept tailing on me, asking me things randomly and would stare at me all the way. I should be thankful about it since she’s now avoiding me – and that it’s the only best for us to happen. No more heartache, no more spoken hurtful words towards each other. No more developing feelings, and get it deeper.

 

Will it be fine with her? I know not but this is what I wanted to happen.

 

To avoid each other. To avoid being in pain.

 

Christmas songs could be heard all over the town and that everyone was enjoying about it except me. I ignored all the happy faces passed by and just kept on focusing to go home but I’m here walking towards nowhere.  I don’t know where I would go. I don’t want to go home either. All I could see are warm expressions from another people spending their time with their family, all warmly. I feel like I’ve been surrounded by love but I always kept them away – just like now, I’m at the middle. At the middle feeling cold and unhappy about this season.

 

My thoughts were interrupted when my phone vibrates indicating I received a call. I slowly grab it from my pocket and answered it without knowing the caller,

 

“Hyomin…”

 

The voice was familiar and I widened my eyes after hearing what the caller said.

 

“Your father..”

 

I took a cab and quickly went my way to my home – where I left my mother all alone. It took me around 20 minutes to get there since it was traffic, and I am now worried thinking about what she said to me over the phone.

 

I never really wanted to hear his name to be spoken but this time, I don’t want him to hurt her again the way he would do in front of me. I don’t want that abusive act to happen again even without me. I wanted to protect her, I want to be with my mom away from him but she doesn’t want me to. To hear the same things again from my mom, I wanted to shut and wake her up to reality.

 

To stop her from being martyr.

 

To stop her from being vulnerable.

 

I opened the door and could only see the same miserable mother crying while kneeling down. She was on the ground – surrounded by crash pieces of glass or mirrors. My father came here again and attacked her emotionally and physically. The bruises were visible. The tears would fall nonstop. Her miserable sobs echoed the entire house; that I could even see the scars on her heart. That I could even feel the pain she’s feeling now.

 

This is too much. I’m sick of these things.

 

I hate my father.

 

And I will never forgive him!

 

“Hyomin…your father doesn’t want me to have him back..”

 

That now I made a fist to hear the same thing from her. That now I wanted to scream and just burn these hatred feelings towards him.

 

“What am I lacking at? What am I bad at…”

 

“Mom enough..” I murmured. The words wouldn’t almost come out.

 

“Don’t you want to have a happy family?” she asked, giving me that gloomy look.

 

A very pathetic look.

 

“Mom stop it!” I screamed –

 

It’s the only best way I could do.

[END OF HYOMIN’S POV]

 

[JIYEON’S POV]

I followed her even after what she said to me. I followed her because I wanted to know why she said that, and I followed her because I wanted to ask her why and wanted to have an answer. I couldn’t just let her be just because she wanted it to – especially she left me hanging without exact reasons on why. I admit it felt like my hopes and positive sides would be eaten by these dejected feelings after she said to me that she loves me too, and that sadly she doesn’t want to.

 

Why are things so confusing today? She could have just said she doesn’t love me if she doesn’t, why making it so hard for the both of us? I know it may sound selfish to hear but I have my own feelings too. Hyomin acted like she felt the same by that kiss and get assumed by it with a positive feedback. But why is she doing this? Why is Hyomin pushing me away?

 

There must be something behind so that’s why I followed her all the way. I did because I deserve to know the reason, so I could have a peace of mind.

 

Hyomin was walking slowly and I did the same thing. I could sense that she was very sad even though by just looking at her back and by observing her gestures. I wanted to just walk beside her and let her think I didn’t exist at all – but I don’t have the courage to.

 

I still wanted to embrace her even after saying she doesn’t want it. I still want to hold her hand and will love her more after that, even after knowing she’s pushing me away. I have this strong feeling that there’s something stopping her, or did I just assume all the time? Since I couldn’t read what’s on her mind and what’s on her heart.

 

But I have to know. At least on what’s the meaning of that kiss and making me feel happy about it.

 

I saw her rushing calling a cab after receiving a call. I followed her and found out that she stop by in front of an unfamiliar house and directly went her way towards the main door. Hyomin opened the door and pause as she had that rigid posture, a very uncomfortable and a very sad one. I tried to understand her actions by just looking at her but she went inside so I didn’t have the chance to.

 

I decided to just get out from the cab and maybe approach in front of her. That way I could ask if we could talk comfortable.

 

Took a deep breath after pulling my right arm to knock at the door, I don’t really have an idea of whose house is this but Hyomin came and went inside. So maybe this is her real home beside that dorm?

 

“Mom enough..”

 

I was about to knock on the door three times but I heard Hyomin’s voice that made me not to.

 

“Mom stop it!”

 

And so I get startled – I never ever heard her shouting like that before, there must be something bad happened..

 

“Why can’t you just accept the fact that father has another woman!”

 

I widened my eyes after hearing such revelation..

 

“Papa will never comeback..”

 

“The things you wanted to happen will never happen again, the way you wanted it to be.”

 

“He never did loved us and will never be, can’t you just wake up and accept that?!”

 

Hyomin…

 

All I could hear is an angry side of hers. I can see she’s crying since her voice was cracked up; I never imagined she’s been suffering from this. She didn’t even tell me about it and that made me worried for I didn’t even do anything that could help her.

 

I got intruded when the girl opened the door and was surprise after knowing I was here all the time, and did heard what she had said.

 

“Hyomin..”

 

She was crying, I could see her sorrowful teary-eyes with an anger look on it. She was very serious and was very discontented.

 

Hyomin walk passed by as if I wasn’t there. I didn’t get to look inside the house since she slammed the main door and walk away. I followed her and was having this thought that somehow could answer all the questions I want to ask her why.

 

“Hyomin what happened?” she was having these quick steps, never wanting to be with me.

 

“Hyomin!”

 

“Just leave me alone. Its none of your business..” she responded, very bluntly.

 

But I don’t want her to walk away just like that. Knowing she’s hurting inside.

 

“Hyomin just tell me why, is this the reason why you decided to live separately to another dorm?”

 

“Is this the reason why you lied?” I persistently asked, “or is this connected to why you’re pushing me away?”

 

Hyomin paused. I have a feeling that it was true..

 

“Was it because of that?” I asked her again, this time she turned her head on me.

 

The girl in front couldn’t respond quickly. She gazed at me with that awful look.

 

“This has nothing to do with that,” she said,

 

“Just tell me why so I could know. Don’t leave me hanging..”

 

I don’t want to see her to cry, I wanted to help her but she doesn’t want. She’s literally saying she can handle this all alone but unfortunately she can’t. So Hyomin, without any words, walk away. She’s going to leave me again bewildered. And I can’t let that happen.

 

And now I had completely understood by just looking at her, and knowing the truth she’s been keeping.

 

“Is it because you’re afraid?” again, I spoke out the words what I feel to be convey,

 

That now I understand her, I couldn’t just let this away.

 

“Is it because you are afraid to be left at? Like what your father did?”

 

Without much thinking and that because I got carried away, I uttered words that could hurt her. Now, I could feel her cold hand landed on my cheeks, giving me a very slight and weak slap after saying that painful words,

 

“How dare you…” Hyomin said angrily, “how dare you say that? You know nothing…”

 

And that now I see her tears coming down; I now wanted to embrace her.

 

“Just go away. I don’t want to see you. Just leave me alone,”

 

I sigh. What else I could do? She wanted me to stay away from her life..

 

“You said you love me. Why are you making things complicated?”

 

~~~

Author’s note: The drama is real people….