[HYOMIN’S POV]

Things did change. Feelings were still the same. I don’t have the courage to talk to my beloved Jiyeon, since I hurt her many times already. She was quiet, and very gloomy. She won’t talk to me as well as I won’t talk to her, we don’t even acknowledge each other’s appearance whenever we laid our eyes together or we pass by each other. It was as if, we don’t exist in each other’s lives after that incident.  By that, I’ve hurt myself even more after realizing I was wrong but I needed it to.

How much more to Jiyeon?

It feels like the first time I transferred here came back – that she won’t even bother look on me and ask my name. That she was busy setting her attention to someone else, that she don’t give a care to a transferee student like me. That I was nothing to her and she was nothing to me.

That we weren’t part of each other’s lives – and by the thought of it make my heart breaks. I wanted this. I never thought this would kill me a lot.

 I don’t see her eating her lunch at the cafeteria anymore. I heard she would go straight to the rooftop and be alone there. The cheerful side of hers slowly fades away; I don’t want things like that to happen knowing it was all because of me.

“Are you two okay?”

Eunjung asked me one time, giving me that concern look.

“You two seem like not hanging out with each other, these past few days?” then the short girl secondly asked,

I did not reply, because I don’t have the mood to.

Instead, I made my way back to our room and maybe just read one of the lessons to be done this week. Ah – this week’s going to be the last for this month, since we now can have our winter vacation and at least take some rest from all the sleepless nights reviewing and stuff.

Right on my way, I saw her coming out from the classroom. She was looking down as if she doesn’t want to see the world around her. The brunette won’t even lift up her head to check if someone’s been calling her name or someone’s been looking at her. And I am here, feeling really anxious when Jiyeon finally look on me with that sorrowful look – watching her passing by with her lips furrowed made me feel, by just doing it right in front of me, it gives me more aches right onto my heart.

Because I know, I couldn’t live without talking to her..

I could feel someone’s hand been tapping my back for a sudden so I did turned and figure out who it was from. I saw Eunjung again, smiling at me. She’s not with her bestfriend and I think that girl made her way to home since class has ended.

“I can see you two were having such bad time?” she said, I was at a lobby giving myself some space alone.

I glimpse at her and just nodded slightly. Don’t feel like opening up to since I’m not comfortable with that thing.

“It’s odd seeing you two being like this. Like, you know..” she sigh, and then continues, “I used to capture you two as a lovey-dovey best friends. You two were so close.”

Knowing I didn’t respond with her, Eunjung, I guess, understand what I’ve been thinking of.

“So,” she started again, “I guess I don’t have the right to intrude, but isn’t it good for you two to have a good talk so you could get over about it?”

I look on her, seeing her smiling like that made me smile a little too. Since I know it’s the only good idea to come up with.

And so, I went back to our classroom and no one’s there. Guess students went their way to home since it was very quiet, and for some reason, very lonely. I pack all my things and would go to locker room to place all the books that aren’t much needed. Unexpectedly, I saw her standing there – and again was looking at me as she was on her way to go out.

“Jiyeon…”

I whispered her name, or more like my voice wouldn’t almost come out since I was very guilty.

“Can we talk for a minute?”

How fortunate I am when she said yes to me, and that we sat to one of the room’s desk – was very silent and all. I don’t even know how to start this conversation. I don’t have an idea of where to start off. This is getting embarrassing.

I must say I was so sorry. But instead, I didn’t.

“You should at least eat your meal every lunch break,” I say, out of the blue, “don’t make me feel worry..”

Jiyeon wouldn’t respond. She was just sitting there playing with her fingers underneath the table.

“Or at least don’t be the silent and a gloomy Jiyeon. I want you to be cheerful and friendly like you were before.”

There’s this firm wall built against us – we both don’t know how to break it, or was I the only one trying to build it my own so she would stay away?

“I don’t get you,”

Finally she uttered, letting my head lift up for that.

“You said to stay away from your life, then why are you here saying those things?”

Furrowing my lips, since those words from hers hit on mine. She was right, why am I saying these?

Jiyeon stood up. I can sense she have this rigid posture right in front of me, giving me those weak gazes. It was dead silent. That I feel like I’m going to suffocate soon realizing the fact that she is literally going to stay away from mine. Wasn’t it the things I wanted her to do?

“I want to understand you, but…”

Her right hand was on the desk in front of me. It was pale; I could even feel it was very cold. As cold as her words towards me.

“But I don’t know how..”

She left me with a pink petal on the table. I wanted to cry because after all the things I had done to her, she’s here leaving me this thing indicating she still loves me. I know what she meant by this pink rose’s petal – and I feel so evil thinking about it.

Two days had past and everything didn’t change. Winter vacation’s starting, classes are over for this month. Christmas will come soon and I am still hopeless.  Waiting for the things that might happen without doing anything at all. Well, I am always all alone even though I’m with my mom those past few years of my existence. We weren’t happy, and so to her. I guess I destined to be like this, and I guess it will never change without doing anything.

Who knows that I’ll be living a life like this?

Tonight, I saw my father came out from the convenient store on my way home – with his black leather jacket and a cigarette on his hand. His small beard was visible, last time I remembered he hates growing it since I told him not to. He hates smoking since he said that it was a very bad for his health. My father said to live life healthily – to not abuse our own body and take a good care for it. He said he hates men committing adultery, but look what he is now.

He does all the things he hates the most, and I want to remind him about it but I’m sure he wouldn’t even bother listen.

I so have many questions to ask to him. I feel the sudden courage to go and get closer and talk to him, without any anger, just a simple conversation will do. I want him to answer me honestly. This would be the perfect time for me to do it.

He was checking on his wrist watch as if waiting for someone. I get closer, and closer. I can feel my heart beats, marking I was nervous doing this alone. Aside from being feeling uncomfortable, I still have to see and talk to him, because I want to ask why he’s been doing this.

“H-hyomin…” he was startled, I did not see that coming. His eyes were full of mysteries, and he did look down as he threw the cigarette and step on it.

“Why are you here?”

I don’t know why he’s acting concern and all. His voice was trembling and he was feeling unease looking away.

“You shouldn’t be here with me, you must go home..” his hands were on my shoulder, telling me to go home safely he never did before, “it’s very late..”

I don’t get him. Why is he acting so weird in front of me?

“Cut the crap,” I said.

He look on me, with the same gaze he would do when I was younger, way back when I was 5. I don’t want to see it nor I don’t want to remember what he said that day, that how perfect father he was to me and a great husband to my mom. I don’t want to remember how good he was because he isn’t today. And he doesn’t care at all.

“You weren’t fell in love with her in the first place, do you?” I asked bluntly, since I really wanted to know the truth.

My father sigh, what else he could do? I know he doesn’t want to talk about mom since he hates her, but I am here asking these things he never wanted to hear.

“Answer me,” I said coldly, without looking away at his gazes.

He was still unease, looking around and would always glimpse at his wrist watch. His feet were uncomfortable, since he was pacing slowly in front. Did he just commit something bad? Well, he did anyway.

“This is not the right place and the right time to ask me that,”

“Why?” I asked again, very persistent and very cold “is it because you are a mistake?”

“Or I was the mistake?”

He paused and looks on me. I failed to have a simple conversation with him, since now I speak to him with anger.

“You weren’t a mistake…” he said, weakly, “I did love your mom,”

“But she wasn’t just enough..”

Liar. He was a big liar.

That now I made a fist, trying to control my hatred towards him. Trying to forget the grudge I kept towards him. I kept on trying but I failed, that’s how much I hate him.

“Honey!”

My attention went to a sudden woman came towards him, clinging onto his arms. I was right, he’s with that witch.

“Who is she?”

Dad didn’t respond quickly. I know he’s been thinking things on what to say to clean his name and all.

“I don’t know her..”

For some certain reason, my world collapsed for a sudden after hearing such words. Now, I don’t know what and how to feel. Because now, I’m just dead inside..

“Get lost,” I murmured, enough for him to hear, “don’t you ever dare call her again. Just get out from our lives..”

I left, with a heavy and a very broken heart.

I thought I was numb, but I am not. I thought I get stronger after this and knowing I’ll get through it after enduring the pain for years, but I wasn’t. I am still as vulnerable as my mom, much weaker than my mom. I am still a very sensitive person, a child who cries at the corner worrying too much for everything. A high school student who doesn’t know what to do at this time, but to sit down in nowhere and let the tears fall down from my eyes.

It was too much, to not acknowledge his own child as his. Knowing he chose his woman than his daughter and family. Knowing he would always say he don’t love her anymore and that she wasn’t enough, wasn’t he too greedy for that? Or wasn’t he the one who wasn’t enough for my mom?

Hating him for years now was never enough. I can now feel my hatred controlling my emotions right now, since I wouldn’t dare convey it to anyone, or to my mom.

I’ve been holding a grudge on him and by the thought of it makes me feel tired. I’m tired of these things. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of being me; I am just tired of everything.

“I told you to not keep it all yourself,”

A familiar voice could be heard for a sudden, I could see her shadow since she was standing in front. I was sitting on a bench alone, and was letting out the pain and anger through crying. Unfortunately, it did happen though I don’t want it to be.

“Jiyeon..” I lifted up, seeing how pathetic I am right through the look of her eyes.

“Let’s go,” the girl handed her hand to me, “let’s go home.”

I look down and to maybe ignore her. Jiyeon shouldn’t do this to me. I’ve hurt her a lot.

“Come on, it’s getting late.”

But I forget that she was very persistent.

“Why are you doing this?”

Silence happened for a couple of minutes.

“I’ve hurt you many times, why are you still here lending me your hand?”

But then again, she would always smile at me, the thing I always wanted to see on her. I don’t want her to see me crying, I don’t want her to see me being weak tonight.

“This is not all about me,” Jiyeon slowly squat down, “this is all about you.”

“Hyomin look at me.”

“You’re not supposed to suffer like this. I now understand why you were pushing me away.”

I look at her with that concern look. Her eyes filled with sincerity and her hands were on my cheeks, wiping away my tears.

“Allow me to heal you, it’s the only best thing I could do.”

Jiyeon smiled as she kept on wiping my tears. Telling me to stand up and be with her for a while. I feel like I don’t deserve her, the treatment she’s been doing to me. The kindness she had shown to me, I don’t deserve those things.

“Jiyeon…”

That now I got carried away, I hug her tightly because she’s the only person I wanted to be with when rough times like this comes to my life.

~~~