Hyun Joong

Frozen to the ground, my heart beat so hard that it might jump out any time. The message was loud and clear. So Min was leaving,…but…. 

Where?

As calm as possible, I asked Mom, “Where is she going?”

“I don’t’ know, son. She didn’t want to say.”

“Is she still at home, Mom?”

“She’s packing, but she will be leaving for the airport soon.”

“Mom, could you try to hold her from leaving as much as possible?”

“Why couldn’t you come now, Hyun Joong? I don’t know what to do. What if So  Min never comes back?”

“I beg you, Mom. Please do all that you can to make her stay a little longer. I need to settle a very important matter here. I promised I would come as soon as possible after that.”

Mom sighed, her voice almost reduced to a whisper, “I’ll do my best, Hyun Joong…I’ll do that.”

The phone went dead. I recollected my composure and brushed my hair in anxiety.

Opening the door, I took a step out into the dark into the solemnisation room again. The solemniser stared in my direction, obviously displeased that the groom interrupted the wedding and thus his work. Papa, Hyori, my uncle and the lawyer were filled with anticipation, with different agendas in their minds.

The clock was ticking away like a time bomb with the passing of each second. I did not have much time left.

The show must go on.

So Min

I couldn’t find my shawl.

Where is my passport?

Ah…here is it.

I couldn’t find my boots.

Neither is the winter jacket.

Now, where could that novel that I wanted to read while on the plane be????

Oh, never mind! I could do without it anyway.

Wait! Where have I placed my toothbrush and toothpaste? I thought I have put in into my suitcase.

Flustered, I plunged faced down onto my bed and closed my tired eyes. I felt that I couldn't do anything right.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night. My mind was running through over and over again all the things that I wanted to pack the next morning and the reasons I could convince Mom that I need to leave Seoul tomorrow.

I had not told her for fear that she would turn in the news to Hyun Joong.  And that the exact reason I pack my suitcase just hours before my afternoon flight, so as to avoid any suspicion that I would be going away.

Brushing a strand of hair away from my face, I tried to breathe in and out normally. It had felt so suffocating over the last weeks. I couldn’t eat and sleep. I couldn’t even decent fashion sense as I had worn my dress inside out to work or wore different shoes on each feet on different mornings at work.

Thoughts of whether I should look Hyun Joong up and iron things out once and for all.

Thoughts of whether I should start life and love anew with Geun Suk in Fukushima.

I must have lost some weight because my clothes felt looser too.  I sat up and scrutinised my face on the small mirror by the bedside. I felt my hands went to the heavy bags hanging unattractively below my eyes. My fingers then made a trace to my cheekbone, now sunken due to the many meals I had skipped. My complexion seemed to tell a story of a woman whose life had been beaten by sleepless nights and dehydration.

I could tell that Mom was worried about me. But being the mother who tried to be understanding, she chose not to ask any questions and let me be. She showed me unconditional love through taking care of me but was unfortunately unreciprocated. I felt like a selfish brat that she had to go through this with me. I tried to be cheerful and acted like everything was fine, but my actions betrayed myself and even caused more mental strain. Mom must have felt worse than me as she was helpless, not knowing how to haul me out of this.

Finally, I decided that I needed a breather. I needed to be somewhere on my own to sort out my thoughts. It sounded like a plan to escape from reality – maybe that was what it really was.

I was not even sure that leaving now was the best option, but this is my only option. How else then could I find peace with myself?

I acted very quickly after I made up my mind. I applied for three months of sabbatical leave and got immediate approval from my new supervisor. Straight after that, I searched for the earliest departure flight the next day. I did not mind anywhere, as long as I could just eject myself from Seoul quickly.

I could tell that Mom was upset after I told her about my departure that morning. Maybe she felt hurt that I did not need her in overcoming my problem this time. Maybe in her wiser ways, she thought that there could be a thousand other ways to get through the issues and choosing to leave was the dumbest approach to her.

Whatsoever, nothing could stop me from leaving now. I may not know what I was doing, but staying would not help either.

I was relieved that Mom neither dissuaded nor discouraged me of my decision when I told her. She probably knew the outcome even if she tried. She did not coax me to disclose my destination either. She merely retreated to the kitchen quietly and got herself very busy after that.

“So Min.”

I sat up from my bed to find Mom standing at the doorway. She took in the sight of the mess on the floor and my bed, and a frown stretched across her forehead.  

“Have you packed all you needed?” she asked.

I nodded,”Mostly. A few more things into the suitcase and I’m done.”

Mom moved towards the bed and sat down on the only clear spot she could find by my side. She ran her fingers down my hair and sighed,”Promise me that you will take good care of yourself, ok? It seems like there is nothing this old lady could do for you to ease your troubles. I’m so useless, aren’t I?”

“Mom, I’m sorry. You know you mean the world to me. I have burdened you too much. I’m old enough so this time, let me deal with my problems alone.”

She smiled faintly and the crowfeet at the corner of her eyes folded neatly. Against the bright morning light, I set my eyes on her wrinkles that had multiplied over the past month with guilt.

I dived in and rested my head on her shoulder and Mom instintively folded her arms around me.  I could feel her breath on my hair and scent of lavender wafted in the air – that’s the scent of her favourite perfume.

“I love the smell of lavender that you carry, Mom. I’ll miss this scent wherever I am.”

Mom my back gently, “Promise me that you’ll come back to you as soon as I have a solution. I pray that you will be able to find peace soon.”

Our peaceful moment was brutally disrupted by loud footsteps and a loud bang. Mom and I jerked up from our positions and headed outside my room to check on the commotion.

What we saw at our doorstep totally gripped us in fear, A group of men had broken into our house and was turning our house upside down. At the sight of us, one of them commanded the rest, “There they are! Grab them!”

Mom and I tried desperately to escape from their bullish clutches.  We shouted for help, kicked and hammered them with our little fist - but we were too weak and outnumbered by them. They tied us up and gagged us with some ill smelling liquid. Within seconds, my whole body went numb and the last thing I remembered before I passed out was being shoved into a vehicle.