So Min

“You are luckier than me” Jerk sunbae mumbled dejectedly.

“Huh?” I thought I had heard him wrong.

“I couldn’t even remember how my mom looks like.” He continued.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” I dared to know more. “What happened?”

The air between us went hushed. I blew my nose into the tissue paper that he had earlier offered, half expecting that our conversation had just ended.

To my surprise, his soft voice interjected the silence, “I was about five years old. My mom was then pregnant with a baby girl.” I straightened my body to ensure that I played my role well as a good listener.

“I remembered I was playing with some toys by the stairs and then my mom happened to pass by.  She stepped on one of my toy cars and…” his voice trailed off into an almost inaudible whisper “…and she fell down the stairs."

My mouth fell agape in shock. What happened to his mother sounded disastrous, especially considering that she was pregnant then. Still, I remained silent to give him room to continue the story at his own will.

“After that, I never see her again. I believe I killed my mom. My dad refused to set his eyes on me after that.” He was trying his best to avoid eye contact with me, I could sense.

“My dad hates me…for ruining his complete family!” He shrugged and swallowed hard. I desired to reach out to touch him, to console that he was probably wrong about his dad. But I restrained myself as I was afraid that he would put me into another embarrassing situation.

He continued, his voice voided of emotions, “Not long after, my dad remarried. His new wife, my stepmother, disliked me. She ignored me. Nobody spoke or hugged me like they used to. I felt outcasted. My step uncle too was a pain in the with his constant reminders that it was my fault that my mom left. I had once hoped that Heaven would turn back the clock and reverse everything.” A bitter smile was formed on his lips. “But, it takes a miracle to bring the dead back to life.”

“I turned violent. My dad couldn’t take my outburst anymore and sent me away to a boarding school in US when I was six. I had lived there alone till I graduated two years ago.” He paused and stared into space sadly.

Then, he turned back to me. “Now, you tell me. Am I capable to understand what kind of love you have with your Mom?” He looked directly into my eyes, fiercely searching for an answer.

I look intently at the man whom I had always regarded distastefully as a jerk..a nemesis in my life. Never had I once imagined that behind the arrogant and selfish façade, was a boy who was once deeply hurt and lonely. My heart broke for the innocent child who was deprived of parental love at such a tender age. My tears fell for the child who had shouldered the guilt of causing his mother’s death. That explained why he was what he was today: defensive, stubborn, spoilt and self centred.

“Why are you crying again now?” He stared at me, irritated. “Is it that time of the month that you get all emotional?

“I’m sorry.” That was all I could say. I was not sure if I apologized because I was the one who surfaced the scar in his heart or because I could not hold back my tears untimely.

I could see that droplets of water were wallowing in his eyes. His heavy breathing indicated clearly that he was fighting back his tears. In the dimly lit plane, his face was inevitably contorted in misery and anger.

‘“I don’t need your sympathy, so please wipe those tears from your face.” He snorted and looked away, with his back facing me.

I gazedd at the silhouette of his back amidst the dark shadows of his past. He did not appear despicable to me now. Instead, I saw a vulnerable man who yearned to be loved all those years he was abandoned as a child.

This time, I did not control myself from reaching out to him.  I felt the urge to shower sunbae with all the lost love and protect him from hurt now on. I flung my arms across the aisle to hold him in a tight embrace. I felt that I needed to do this. And I wanted to do it.

Hyun Joong

Bravo! Jinx Girl, you did it again!

You made me mad the first time.

You beat me up and made me INCREDIBLY mad the second time.

I needed to get close to you to access to Hyori and to seek redress on what you had done to me.

And now, you made me reveal my deepest secret and evoked my unhappy past.

This was not part of my vengeful plan. What witchcraft had you exercised to command me to impulsively spill the contents of my heart to you today?

Out of my wildest expectation, you embraced me into a hug. I Never would I had imagined that you would do this as I thought you avoided any physical contact with me all this while, as though I was a vermin. I wondered what came over you now; did you feel sympathy for me?

I had not been cuddled tenderly like this for a long, long time. The last time was probably before my mom fell to her death.  Those meaningless hugs with my flings were just lustful acts that left no traces in my heart.

Beneath the dark clouds in the cold stratosphere, an unrecognisable warmth started to radiate throughout my body. As I stared at my own reflection on the window, I saw an honest smile tugged at the corner of my lips.

It was then that I realized how good it felt to be in your arms now…