So Min

The morning was filled with hustle and bustle of the working population gearing up for work. There were young people running after their buses or trains, and there were the older folks who tried to keep up with their more energetic generation. Nevertheless, be they faster or slower, they shared the common aim to get to their workplace on time.

I walked among them as they hit on their journey. Feet dragging, head bent and heart that weighed a thousand tonnes, I dragged my body into the crowd like a zombie. My destination was not the same. A week into medical leave and I still need to come out here daily to get my tempo running. The need to be around them to feel less alone was strong. Yet, even with their presence, I could not find that excitement of being alive.

I cursed myself again for not appreciating the value of life when I had it. ‘Cast that thought aside’, I told myself repeatedly. There was no reason to not feel good. The sun was smiling at me, the wind was kissing my face softly and the commuters at this peak hour rush were conveying that there were infinite reasons to live on and to live for.

Hyun Joong….

Brine droplets once again accumulated near my lids every time he slithered into my mind. Furious, I wiped them off hastily before they found their way down my cheeks.

I just need a little more time…

….a little more time to think of him without feeling pain anymore.

“There you are!”

 I smiled at the voice. Mom sure knew about my whereabouts as if she had a tracking device tagged onto me.

“Here, put this on. The weather is getting colder and you are dressed like a pauper!” She grumbled as she flung a woolen scarf over my shoulders.

“Why do you still need your old mother to worry about trivial things when you are already qualified a grandmother.”

I chuckled a little at her usual sharp comments.

“If I’m a grandmother, then you would be a great grandmother..”

She looked cheekily into my eyes and snapped back, “Well, I see that you find much joy in deflecting my words. So, does that mean you are feeling better and could go home now?”

Entangling her arms with mine, I guided her to take the route home by my side.

“Some of your colleagues called to ask about your condition,” Mom informed.

“Uhmm..” I nodded calmly, not wanting to know more than what she just told.

“Geun Suk called too. He asked if he could come to see you.” she added after some hesitation.

“Uhmm…” I nodded calmly again, though something stirred in my abdomen.

There was a long silence as we strolled between the rows of gingko trees that flanked both sides of our path.

“Hyun Joong called just after you left home this morning,” she said with a composed tone, but she sounded as if there had been a tumultuous debate within her if she should make this known to me.

My feet halted their pace. Winter once again clutched my chest tightly as my mind struggled with the name that awoke a thousand bells in my deepest vault.

“So Min.. It hurts me to see you forcing yourself…”

The air stood still, with only Mom’s words ringing in my ear.

Purge Hyun Joong from my life?

Mom touched my head lightly and whispered, “Life is not always a pure black and white. Sometimes, it’s grey, sometimes there are spectrums of colors. It depends on which lenses you want to see it through.“

I knew the truth in her words. I appreciate the wisdom in them. But, I couldn’t appreciate how to apply it in my plight.

Such were the weakness of man, weren’t it? We knew that the pit was deep. But, we still willingly jumped into the pit and wallowed in its darkness.

Something suddenly caught my sight by the sidewalk.

There was a movement behind the trees.

Someone familiar, but I was not ready to acknowledge him.

“Look Mom! Gingko nuts! Shall we pick them up for dessert later?” I exclaimed in order to divert my attention away.

She looked at me with her eyebrows furrowed. I flashed my best smile and poked my finger in between her brows.

“Great-grandma, don’t’ frown. You won’t be pretty anymore if you keep doing that.”

Her face muscles gradually relaxed. Grabbing my finger from her head, she tried to draw my finger between her teeth for a bite. I retracted my finger quickly but she took this distraction to smack my forehead with her palm playfully.

“Ouch! Mom, don’t do that in the public!” I whined while covering my forehead with my hand.

“Serves you right, grandma!” she teased.

We giggled as schoolgirls would at our little antics. I took Mom by her hand and led her to where the most gingko nuts had fallen.

We competed on who picked the most nuts and who with the best nuts. For that brief moment, I felt bliss radiating from a simple moment like this with Mom.

Mom…I love you so much.

For supporting me in things that I had always taken for granted

For the simple joy you brought me.

And for giving me the courage to face difficult, challenging times

I needed to remember that you lived your life for me, and I for you.

Thus, for your sake, I needed to be strong.

What would I be without you…

***************************************************************************************************************************

Bowwow

“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.”
― Washington Irving

I think by now, if you have been reading through my stories, you should have realised by now that I wrote a lot about So Min's relationship with her mom. Personal, my mom is the most important person in my life. I have always only known my mom as my mother, my father, my caregiver and my friend. She is the only one standing behind me when I'm wrong, when I'm unreasonable, when I'm sick or when I'm at my lowest point of my life. Frankly, I drew the strength to be where I am and to continue to be better because I want to be good for her and to be able to take good care of her.

Now as a mother myself, I have begun to understand even more how hard it was for her to raise me and to bear with the hardships of being my mother. I'm not an easy child to manage to begin with.

Being Asian, openly declaring our love for each other or hugs and kisses are hard to be displayed. Rather, we expressed our love subtlely through little acts. So, writing is an alternative for me to express my love for her. 

I came to know some of my friends in AFF are mothers too. So, mothers who happen to read this story: You are the greatest mom for your children and don't stop believing that!