Dear friends,

Apologies that I use this platform to pen down my thoughts. I'm one who keeps my true feelings to myself and the only way I could release that is through writing, sometimes in the form of stories. And I thought this chapter of my life has a lot to do with why I havent been updating. So I also wanted to share with you my thoughts and feelings.

First of all, let me apologise that this is not a story update. I am really sorry that I havent been able to update regularly this year. I've mentioned before that the reasons that I had been slow was due my crazy new work- chasing schedules after schedules and trying to build up a new department on my own. Family is also another main factor as my child is more grown up now and demands more from me, and my mom is also getting older and there are more things that I need to do around the house and caring for her as well.

The other main factor that had been drawing me away from writing is my father who had contracted liver cancer since early March this year. It had been a difficult period dealing with his disease and his emotions. It's hard to describe how one should treat a person who knows that he is dying. It must have been horrible for him to be counting down to the last days of his life and enduring all those pain from the tumour. As his daughter, it pains me that I couldnt share the physical pain and the desperation to be granted more time. Towards his last days, he was unable to eat, walk and even unable to talk and remain unconscious most of the time. That's a lot more that I wanted to do for him, but I couldn't.  I wish I had done more in his better days.

He passed away peacefully a month ago. I was unable to reach his bedside in time at his last moment. I couldn't hold his hand and tell him how much I love him before he went. I cried a lot after he passed on, because I still miss him a lot. Occassionally, I would call his number, hoping to hear his voice but an automated voice message will inform me that the number i had called is not available. Sometimes I would mistake someone else as my father, walking towards me, when i see other elderly men on the streets in shirts and bermudas - the same attire that my father always wore when we went out in the weekends. I dreamt of him, talking and having meals or just walking around with his hand in mine. I would look at his picture and still couldn't stop tears from coming. I never thought that missing him could hurt so much, never thought that missing him could cause me to do irrational things and so emotional.

I don't know if he knows that I love him and miss him. But I hope that he is in a better place and free of sufferings. I hope he knows that he will remain in my heart forever, and will be my one and only Papa. I couldn't repay all that he has done for me this lifetime and if there's another lifetime in the future, let me be your parent and take care of you in return.

Farewell and I love you, Papa.