“I’m really going to miss this place” Paije said stuffing more clothes into her suitcase.

“Yeah me too, but the sooner we leave here the better” I added taking things out of the drawers. “What time is our flight tomorrow?”

 “Eleven, so we should leave here around 9:30 or 10:00.”

                There was a giant rock burying it inside my stomach. This feeling was sinking itself deeper and deeper and I knew it wouldn’t go away until I was on the plane ride home. Packing our clothes had both of us almost tearing up; each outfit reminded us of a beautiful memory spent in this city. Mine hurt a little more close to home though; before I even realized it I was practically punching my stuff into my suitcase.

“Even with all of this drama, I’m going to miss it.”

“Right?” Paije laughed. “It feels strange to be going back. We’ve been spoiled here.”

                I smiled and nodded weakly zipping my nearly full suitcase. I began lugging it to the door out in the living room when a quiet knock came at the door. I looked out of the peephole and saw a man with a familiar build standing patiently. Instead of running to my room cowering in between my sheets, I opened the door.

                We stared at each other not saying much, but he was standing outside of the door wearing my shade of honey chocolate brown.

“You might not want to see me…”

                I waited as Seung Hyun spoke.

“But I can’t help feeling that you owe your last night to me…and to yourself.”

                I began chewing on the inside of my cheek.

“Look, I get that you’re avoiding me to keep from choosing but by spending the night with Hyun Joong…haven’t you’ve already decided?”

                I squinted my eyes thinking about this; did he have a point? If I continued shunning him, did that mean I had already chosen Hyun Joong?

“All I want to do is talk” he smiled breaking the silence. “Just spend your last night with me? After that, you never have to see me again.”

                His hand was extended towards mine, and I looked at him hesitantly before grabbing my cell phone and leaving the room. I didn’t take his hand but he didn’t let it bother him too much. His mood was a little more upbeat as we walked to the elevator.

~~~~

                I was sitting on the floor of the living room in my house; just sitting staring into space. Well not exactly staring into space, I was looking about the room but nothing stood out to me in particular. Devon had already clouded my thoughts, and I had no idea how to clear it up. My memories brought me back to that day when she claimed I kidnapped. I felt a small smile rise on my lips, seeing her flustered face in my mind. Her bright brown eyes puffy from crying and her deep breaths of frustration along with the stream of promises to never forgive me. I remembered her attacking me for the remote that eventually brought us crashing to the floor, with my arms wrapped tightly around her. I wasn’t sure if she noticed but I felt part of her snuggle into my hold onto her. I wanted to keep her in that moment for hours…both of us lying on the floor with me holding her. It wasn’t until I began tickling her that her smile returned. She was so beautiful, especially when she smiled and I felt like I could gaze at it for hours. Eventually my memories brought me to the kiss, and now that I think about it at the time I had no intention of kissing her until the opportunity presented itself. It was probably selfish on my part, but here she was crying and all I could think of was satisfying my need of her lips. Of finally feeling them against mine.

                I shook my head trying to shake the thoughts away, but everything was replaying itself in front of me. She was right when she said that it was insane for us to be together. She was absolutely right; there was no argument. I’m six years her senior, we live on two different continents, she’s in love with someone else. But my mind had a retort for every excuse I could come up with.        

“Get a grip Hyun Joong”  I groaned to myself.

                But I already knew it was too late.

~~~~~

                We were laying on the back part of his car, our legs extending out across the trunk. We had been sitting and talking in a pier parking lot over looking the water. It was extremely clear with many stars scattered across the night sky.

“You're so quiet” He said after an extremely long silence.

                I exhaled loudly hoping to satisfy his request for a sound.

“You're not talking” he added propping himself.

                I arched my back on the hood of the car looking up at the stars.

“Are you upset?”

                I was still silent.

“Can you say something? Anything?!” He was getting frustrated.

                I pursed my lips in a smile deciding whether or not to answer him; but after endless pestering I decided to throw him a bone.

“Anything” I smiled.

He rolled his eyes at me before getting off the car. “I don’t understand why you're acting like this!”

“You only asked me to come with you; you said you wanted to talk, you never said I had too!”

“Fine” he said walking in front of me making it almost impossible for me to move my position from the car. “I want to know why...why-why…”

“Just say it” I my voice raised slightly.

“Why didn’t you choose me?!” He shouted.

                I felt my throat constrict.

“No matter how short the time was…we were happy right?” He asked. “Even though you refuse to answer…I can’t help but feel that you love me; not the fact that I’m your bias. I’m almost positive that you’d still love me if I was a nobody and we met at a regular place-”

“Trust me, if you were a regular person it’d be so much easier” I added.

“Is my being famous have something to-”

“It has everything to do with this! I could never forgive myself if you or Hyun Joong gave up all of this for me! How selfish can one person be?”

“Then it’s settled...you’ve chosen me because I’d gladly give it up to-”    

“No…if you won’t accept that reason, accept the fact that I can’t choose.”

                He heaved a great sigh before turning around to walk away from me.

“I’m in love with you both” I laughed weakly jumping off of the car. “You can’t blame me for that” I said walking towards him.

                His back was still towards me so I wrapped my arms around his waist hugging him tighter to me. I felt him go rigid and I chuckled as I tightened my grip. It was an awkward hold because he was so much taller than me, but it became more familiar when he brought reached around pulling my body to the front of his. I looked up at him, handsome as ever and cursed myself silently before burying my face inside his jacket.

“Tell me something…if there was no Hyun Joong, then could we be together?”

                Was he serious?! My first impulse was to say yes, but I told him the truth instead.

“No”

His faced flashed a rainbow of colors before he began spluttering out words.

“Be reasonable! You're an idol, your schedule is hectic enough as it is without worrying about girlfriend. I live on a completely different continent, and I’m a student in college. BIGBANG just made their comeback; you're going to be travelling around the world going different places- trust me its not possible.”

“What about after?” He challenged.

I looked at him completely confused. “What do you mean after? As soon as your enlistment is done you're going back to it to make wonderful music-”

“It won’t be as crazy when I’m an old man” he added. “It’s definitely possible later on…besides you promised.”

“Promised?” I said looking at him baffled until I realized what he was talking about.  “You can’t mean-”

“You said you’d wait for me, you promised.” He nodded smirking. “Have your fun now, because in two years I’m expecting you to be single.”

I began laughing. “And if I’m not?”

“The poor guy is going to lose” He added holding me tighter. “I’ll let you go this time; but no one should  expect me to do it again. This is a one time thing.”

“You're just too perfect” I groaned into his chest. “Do me a favor and meet someone wonderful, and just forget all about me okay?”

He pressed his head to the top of mine. “I don’t want too.”

“But you need too” I whined into his chest, feeling the water in my eyes wanting to pour out.

“I can’t…I love you Devon” his deep voice said firmly.

                He pulled me away from him to see my face and he smiled a little looking into my face. I wasn’t crying so badly, but traitor tear trails were making there way down my face. He used the padding of his thumbs to wipe them away before he ducked his head low enough to kiss my lips. Everything inside of me wanted to break down; I felt my knees start to buckle as he continued to add pressure. I leaned into his chest, and he held me securely as our mouths created rhythms. His lips were thin and soft, adding a quiet ruggedness to his physique. Before I realized it my hands were running across his chest, as his were becoming lost in my hair. He kissed me tenderly but passionately; allowing this kiss to be more intense than our first one. Before things got too out of hand, he pulled back straightening himself up from my grasp. I let him go reluctantly, but stepped back.

“I think I should take you back now” he said sadly.

                I nodded walking around to the passenger’s side of the car. The drive back was even quieter than the ride to the pier, but it was less awkward. The decision had been made, and even though I was feeling like the biggest in the world; I had somehow managed to stay somewhat neutral. Just like I had kissed Hyun Joong, I kissed Seung Hyun. I felt like I was a car on a teetering cliff who had to keep everything even in order to keep everything from crashing down. I was almost home-free! I just had to get on the plane and forget any of this happened.

                We arrived at the hotel easily and that’s when it hit me that this could’ve been the last possibility to see him. He shut off the car in the parking lot.

“This is really hard” I confessed refusing to unbuckle the seat belt. “I don’t think I can say-”

“It’s not goodbye…it’s see you later” he added bringing himself closer to hug me.

“No matter what happens…” I began watery. “I’ll always love you” I said turning his face to kiss him one last time.

                He kept me there longer than I expected, but I didn’t complain. I was really going to miss him, but I did the hardest thing by unbuckling myself from the car and walking into the lobby alone.

~~~~

                My hand griped the steering wheel tighter than usual. There they were, Devon and Seung Hyun across the parking lot…kissing. My car was still running and I had every urge to, in the very least wait until Devon got out of the car before ramming mine into his. How could she do this? Here I am, thinking that she hadn’t chosen anyone. Thinking that she was able to keep promises…thinking she was able to love me. Kissing Seung Hyun? I already know I’ve lost. I shifted gears in my car and stomped on the gas pedal, forcing my car to screech loudly into the night.

~NEXT MORNING~

 “Did you pack everything?” I asked as Paije continued shoving things into her suitcases.

                I reached for my cell phone on the night stand and began scrolling to Hyun Joong’s number. I dialed it and unlike most times when he picked up, it went straight to voicemail. But I figured he must have been really busy; this was my fifth call and he still hadn’t gotten back to me. I listened as his Korean flowed out effortlessly on the phone and I patiently waited for the beep in order to begin the message.

“Hey! Hyun Joong” I smiled into the phone. “You said to let you know when our flight was…Paije and I are leaving on the 11 o’clock flight for New York; and even though it’s extremely short notice I’d love to see you again before we left. We’re leaving the hotel at ten, so come over!” I practically begged. “Alright, talk to you later…bye!”

                It was nine already and by nine thirty a random burst of knocks were pounding away at our door. Paije opened it and I could hear multiple voices laughing and smiling before Paije let out one final fan-girl scream.

“Seriously Paije?” I heard Teddy Park say, bringing a smile to my face. “All this time and you're still not used to us?”

“It’s just in case you forget what we sound like” Paije grinned allowing him and the others to come in.

                When I stepped out into the living room, most of BIGBANG and Teddy Park were standing around the space. I say most, because my bias wasn’t among them. I saw all of them, and my mind began a special memory I had shared with them all. G-Dragon looked at me and smiled and I instantly thought of the time where we sat on the park bench eating French fries talking about his music. I looked at Daesung and I thought about the photo-shoot and his performance of Baby Don’t Cry. I looked at Seungri and thought of all the dance rehearsals we had together. I looked at Teddy remembering the multiple recording sessions he let me sit in with him. And Taeyang’s visit hospital along with the time we sang on stage, not to mention the fact that he was the one who pulled my name to bring me here. By the end of my short trip to memory lane, followed by the realization that T.O.P wasn’t there was enough to make me cry.

“Yo Dev! What’s with the tears?” Teddy asked.

“You guys are just wonderful” I said crying fully as members of BIGBANG and Teddy crowded around me and Paije giving us a giant group hug.

                I was wiping my face profusely trying to find some humor in the situation. I did not want to say goodbye. I had made amazing friends with these incredible men, and I didn’t want to leave.

“You guys don’t live far from New York right?” Taeyang said.

                Paije and I nodded.

“Then you’ll definitely see us for our world tour!” Taeyang added.

“Plus all these major stars and artists be calling me up for beats and stuff” Teddy said rubbing his hands together.  “So we can def keep in touch!”

“You mean it!” Paije exclaimed hugging him.

                He smiled hugging her too.

“I guess we should get going” G-Dragon said. “Ladies”

                I swear I almost fan-girled at the way he accented ‘Ladies’…it was soo classic GD. He held his arms open wide for Paije and I to fit into and he held us tightly before putting on a pair of shades leaving the room.

“Thank you so much for everything” I hugged Taeyang tightly. “Especially picking me.”

“The pleasure was mine” he whispered low to me before hugging Paije just as tight.

                Then he left too. Paije made a beeline for Daesung while I headed for Seungri.

“When  I’m in New York…say you’ll…visit me?” Daesung stuttered.

“Of course!” Paije grinned watery eyed.

                She hugged him closely, before he pulled back leaning down once again to give her a long kiss on her cheek. He walked out of the room too leaving her to turn at least 3 different shades of pink.

“Seungri Oppa” I said tearing up again. “How can I ever-”

“No need Dev, the pleasure was mine” he said leaning in to hug me tighter. “Make sure you call one of us; I want to see you in New York”

“I will” I promised.

                After he left, Teddy rocked awkwardly on his heels until Paije and I came over to hug him.

“You two are really something, you know that?” He said kissing the tops of our heads. “You better call me!” He warned.

“You better answer!” Paije threatened. “Especially with you visiting the States so much.”

 “I will if you will” He said letting us go. Paije walked back to the room leaving the two of us alone. “He wanted to be here Dev.”

“Who?” I said trying to act indifferent.

Teddy gave me a ‘knowing’ look. “Something came up, but he says he’ll keep in touch.”

~~~~

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!!!!!!

“I’m coming!”

                I opened the front door to my house and immediately wanted to shut it again.

“Are you lost or-”

“Get dressed!” Seung Hyun ordered no doubt taking in my wet hair and body with nothing but a towel to conceal me.

“That’s what I was doing before I was so rudely interrupted!”

“Well do it faster because Devon’s plane leaves in less than an hour” he said plopping himself down on my couch.

“Yah! Get up! You're not welcomed here! Get out now!”

                He made no inclination to move; instead he moved his feet from the floor to on top of the cushions; allowing his dirty shoes to ruin them.

“Yah! I’m serious, take your muddy feet off of my couch and leave!!!” I yelled at him.

“I will”  he answered lazily. “As soon as you put clothes on and come with me.”

“I’m not going with you anywhere”  I said leaving the living room to go to my room.

                I put on a pair of jogging pants and a t-shirt.

“One of us is going to meet her today, and its going to be you”

                I looked at him in awe.