This concert showed no signs of ending, and that was perfectly fine with me because I was enjoying every bit of it. The music video of Lies was playing on the main giant screen before G-Dragon walked out and began rapping. Each one had there own special entrance and Paije nudged me when T.O.P turned around just like in all of his music videos. I laughed and continued to cheer. I was so wrapped up with the performance I barely noticed Kendrick’s hand brush against mine.  I looked at him, but he seemed to not have noticed, so I turned my attention back to the stage. All of the members were bouncing in different directions singing energetically to the crowd of adoring V.I.P’s. Then the five screens each took a face and zoomed in. T.O.P was breathing heavy while G-Dragon looked like he had just been tortured. Taeyang stared intently at the audience while Seungri and Daesung closed their eyes. Silence overtook the arena once more as we waited anxiously for the next song. The familiar piano intro to my favorite song by BIGBANG began playing and the silence ripped open into an explosion of sound. Haru Haru was starting and I remained standing as I watched each member take a section of the crowd. This time we had Seungri and he sang right to our section and we became wrapped up into his voice as he, Daesung and Taeyang sang their hearts out while T.O.P and GD rapped. The crowd was singing along really taking the time to enjoy what we were hearing, until T.O.P did the unthinkable. Just like in the GD & T.O.P cover of Haru Haru, he began singing “La La La” like a toddler playing tag.

“Sing with me! La La La” G-Dragon shouted at us.

Instead of laughing like I usually did when watching that part, I felt myself smile from the inside. I sang with them waving my hands in the air with them moving to music. I loved every minute of it! Every single millisecond!

“Ayo!” T.O.P said changing the song. “Let’s change the Tempo!”

                I grinned noticing the double meaning of the phrase, recognizing his other stage name. My Heaven started playing and their formations on stage changed so now G-Dragon was standing in front of us in section one.

“C’mon C’mon!” GD said jumping up and down. “24/7 you're my heaven!”

                He began rapping touching the hands of the fans standing at the foot of the stage. He was all over the place performing for our section and Kendrick let out a howl worthy of a wolf. I looked to him and laughed as he did it again before smiling at me. And then the strangest thing happened. With me staring at him a blue aura appeared around him and I saw him in a different light. His eyes reflected off of the stage illuminating his golden face. With him smiling I could fully appreciate his deep dimples that I never took time to notice. He looked down at me and I turned away biting my lip refusing to let him catch me looking at him. I felt him stare at me until he turned his face back to the stage. It felt awkward but exciting at the same time and I pressed my lips together to keep from smiling. Everyone disappeared from the stage accept for Seungri who took a few steps toward the middle.

“Ladies and Gentlemen!”

                VVIP began and little Aania started shouting different things in her native language. She hopped up and down in joy as Seungri danced across the stage in all of his wonder. I used his performance to get myself together…taking every advantage of every breath. Every now and then he would smirk  causing a ripple effect in my body. It started at my toes and traveled to my fingertips. He finished the song and the music slowly transitioned to my favorite song by him. The familiar beat to Magic began as he rocked from side to side on stage. My mind flashed back to that day in the YG practice room and I smiled remembering how he wanted me to show him my dance steps. A pretty girl strolled across the stage seductively as Seungri checked her out before smiling wickedly to the fans in the audience. Seungri and the girl did this y dance together really showing the attraction between them. It was hot to watch the chemistry between the two; and I felt myself make mental notes of her movements. They bowed and Seungri guided her off stage as GD & T.O.P’s High High blasted throughout the stadium. Automatically everyone in the stadium began hopping up and down. I seriously thought I could feel the stadium move with each jump, because there was not a still person in the area. The music changed to Knock Out and that’s when all of the jumping turned into dancing. I was jamming out to the song until I felt a hand rest around my waist. I looked to see who that hand belonged too even though I had a pretty good idea as to who it was. I didn’t dare look at Kendrick but I took the hand from my waist only to be trapped. Instead of letting my hand go he wrapped his around mine anchoring it in place. My head twisted looking at him with a wide open expression but he just smiled continuing to watch the stage. I didn’t know what else to do besides wriggle my hand free from his grasp. He didn’t make it too difficult but after I was free I inched myself closer to Paije. The song changed from Knock Out to Baby Goodnight and I let out a scream! Video clips from the music video were playing on three of the giant screens. The entire crowd sang the opening chorus and T.O.P came to our section. He was rapping so fiercely I couldn’t help but be drawn into him. He was mesmerizing. GD came to join him in our section before they walked away to stand in the middle of the platform. Daesung walked onto the stage before GD & T.O.P jogged to the sides. He began singing Try Smiling and the familiar swaying motion came back to the crowd. His voice was nothing less than beautiful.

“Oppa!” Paije whined in between her tears.

                Every time he stepped onto the stage, it was like he was stomping on her tear ducts forcing her to cry. She was bawling her eyes out and I just looked at her seeing no signs of her stopping. I rubbed her shoulder as she completely ignored me staring at Daesung. His voice illuminated the stage and I felt myself leaning unintentionally towards the stage. He was totally making up for his choked performance of Baby Don’t Cry by singing  his affection for us in Try Smiling. There was a happy grin playing across his face and I was so relieved to see that familiar smile back on his face. The crowd went wild as Daesung walked off stage and T.O.P returned. Like Nothing Happened started and I felt my bones lock in place. I began screaming and jumping down for the first verse while my favorite performance played in front of me. I had seen so many passionate fan cams online and this had to be the one that had the most heart. I began thinking of his inspiration behind this song and by the second verse I was crying. Thinking about how much pain he went through to write this brought tears to my eyes. This song was the epitome of heartbreak and first love; and the fact that he sang about it openly had me bawling. Kendrick was trying to comfort me but I fought him off keeping my eyes glued to the stage. Then before he did the third verse, the most exciting part of the whole song he played his harmonic. I was captivated with his passion barely noticing him throw his harmonica to the crowd before breaking out into his signature outburst of rage and genius. I was utterly entranced by his performance and to keep from rushing the stage, I sat down in defeat. Clearly…I was going to die.

                I don’t know what seemed to happen but the next few performances seemed to happen on mute. I was there…but I wasn’t there. I couldn’t concentrate and I knew that I was about to die.

“V.I.P’s…we just want to thank you for your support and dedication to us…BIGBANG!”

“Thank you for standing by us! We will continue to work hard to give you the best of us and our music!”

“We hope you will continue to support us, because we do this for you!”

“Without you, we would not have come this far! Saranghae!”

“God bless, and we love you! YG Family! ”

“THANK YOU!!!!”

                And my voice ripped through me before they were escorted off of the stage. The lights , and our group was guided through the now familiar stadium halls back to the vans. It was a really quiet walk back to the vans…all international V.I.P’s were silent. We had been (excuse my French) royally MINDED! International V.I.P’s who had never seen a BIGBANG concert, let alone a KPop concert had just lost their mental ity.  Only Japanese and Korean could be heard; they were smart enough to wear a mental . I kept touching my face and flexing my hands to make sure that the nerves in my body hadn’t gone numb. Not that it made a difference, I was absolutely positive that I was going to die in my sleep. I was in shock…we all were. I swear it was like a little green leprechaun snapped his fingers and me and the rest of the group were hopping out of the van, walking into the lobby. I felt tired. And there was absolutely no way I was going to go anywhere else except to bed.

“Paije-”

“I’m too tired to even think about going anywhere but to bed ” she said tired leaning up against the side of the elevator.

                I pulled out my cell phone and began punching in numbers. I dialed Hyun Joong’s number but got a Korean variation of an answering machine.

“Hyun Joong, this is Devon Ashford. I’m calling to tell you that I-” Paije tugged on my arm. “that we, can’t make it tonight. Its just like I said, we’re too tired-”

“and blown away!” Paije yelled scarring everyone but me in the elevator.

“To come over. Maybe some other time. P.S don’t call me tonight…I’m shutting my phone off as soon as I get back to my room. Goodnight…or Good morning? Bye!”

                I clicked the phone dead. The elevator doors opened up to our floor; Egan and Kendrick started to step out to us to our room but we waved them back lazily. Egan looked like he didn’t complain but Kendrick looked like he wanted to say something. I looked at him sleepily and he smiled.

“Forget it…I’ll see you at breakfast.”

“Thank you!” I whined in gratitude, feeling the blood sloshing in my brain slowly return to my veins.

                Rachel and Paije were already inside the room stripping off their concert clothes. Madison rushed into the room happy as a song bird. We all looked at her with dull eyes; clearly all we wanted was some peace after so much excitement.

“Oh my gosh! What a concert!!! Now I see why you guys are so passionate…they’re really talented and-”

 My head was pounding and I knew she showed no signs of ending her continuous rambling. I started to speak up, but Rachel held up her hand stopping me before standing up to get in Madison’s face.

 “MADISON!!!!” Rachel screamed. “Any other night I would be more than happy to discuss BIGBANG with you…but I am exhausted…my throat hurts from screaming and my head feels like I’m going to combust at any moment! All I want is my bed. So Madison… SHUT THE HELL UP!”

Rachel finished yelling before turning on her heels slamming her bedroom door behind her. Madison tip toed in after her, quiet as a mouse. Paije and I waited until we were in our room before busting out in laughter. After laughing…we collapsed onto our beds and went into hibernation. 
 ~~~~

                I woke up what seemed like days later in a dream state. My movements were slow, especially when I sat up on my bed to an empty room. Paije was nowhere to be found but I could hear the water from the shower rushing in the bathroom. Every thought and feeling from last night came rushing back smacking me so hard in the face that I laid back down. I opened my mouth and began screaming but no sound came out. I began thrashing around in my bed reveling in the fact that I had just seen a BIGBANG concert. I wanted to sing but I had no voice! I wanted to shout but I was hoarse! I heard the water stop and in a few minutes Paije was stepping out fully dressed preparing to dry her hair. She looked at me having a fit and laughed silently as she continued drying her hair. When I finally relaxed, I got up and took a quick shower. I put on a pair of sweat pants and a hoodie before sitting out in the living room to wait for Paije. Rachel was sitting on the couch in the living room, and when I came out she waved, grinning from ear to ear. She motioned for the time and I scrunched up my shoulders having no clue. We were silent because we had no choice. Like any true fan we had no voice, it was used up last night from the concert. All of a sudden Madison walked in bright eyed and cheery from the outside door.

“I see you guys finally woke up…it’s already after four!” She snapped at us in full voice.

                Rachel and I looked at each other and smiled. Even at the perfect opportunity to blend in as a fan, she stood out like a sore thumb. Madison probably enjoyed the show, but she proved again how she wasn’t a real V.I.P. There was no way she should be able to emit a sound, let alone have a full voice after witnessing a live BIGBANG concert. But she was coming around so I really couldn’t scold her for it.

“Why are you two so quiet?” Madison realized after a while of Rachel and I not saying anything.

“We can’t” we mouthed  together, no sound coming out.

“What?”

“We can’t!” we practically hissed.

“What? Why? Rachel speak up!”

“We can’t talk! We have no voice!” Paije walked out and said, but her voice sounded like a chain smoker in a garbage disposal.

                Rachel and I started in a fit of silent laughter as I got up to meet Paije at the door. We were going to head up to the rooftop garden to get something to eat. I looked to Rachel, silently asking if her and Madison wanted to join us but she shook her head no. Paije and I left the room practically skipping down the hallway to the elevator. We received silent “hello’s” from the other silent V.I.P’s passing us in     the hallway. It was hard to contain such a high level of excitement, especially with so many people in on the amazing secret. I couldn’t wait until I got my voice back, so I could gush about the concert!

                When Paije and I reached the rooftop garden, the usual buffet table was awaiting us. I grabbed a bowl and got some soup, determined to do everything to get my voice back. I took my soup over to a table and ate at it quickly before Paije came to sit down. When I looked about the room, I finally noticed Kendrick eating by himself in a corner. I stared at him until he got my attention before waving him over to sit with us. He got up casually and came over. He looked at my soup and smiled as he sat down, indicating that he got the same thing. I smiled back, but not because we got the same thing. Paije was making puking faces at him and thank God she was so good at it he had no hope of catching her.

“Where’s Egan?” I mouthed to him.

“Passed out” he laughed before eating more soup. I was surprised to  hear that his voice wasn’t as bad as mine or Paije’s.  

“Is he okay?”

He nodded yes. “He’s just recovering from last night.”

                I nodded and finished eating. Paije got up and placed her dishes in the clearing area before motioning me to leave. I tried pushing my seat out from the table so I could get up but I couldn’t. Just like before Kendrick’s foot was blocking it again. I rolled my eyes looking at him and his eyes were waiting patiently for mine.

“What are you doing later?”

                His bright blue eyes contrasted against his sandy blonde hair, giving an extra ‘pop’ to his handsome face.

“Devon…are you busy later?” He asked again clearly realizing that I had just zoned out.

                I shrugged my shoulders unable to answer. I slid out of the seat easily an he reached for my hand.

“Look…something was clearly happening at the concert-”

“No! I was just being polite!” I protested hoarsely.

“Polite?” He smirked. “Why are you playing so hard to get?”

“Because I am” I croaked like a frog before freeing my arm.

                I walked away from the table putting away my dishes; I felt him right on my heels.

“You're killing me Dev” he smiled before turning me around to face him. “You mean to tell me that you feel no chemistry between us?”

“You mean to tell me that you do?”

“Honestly?”

                I looked at him waiting for an answer. He made no motions to say anything. I nodded walking towards Paije and we got into the elevator together. The elevator descended to our floor and we stepped out making our way back to the room. I bit my lip and I felt my eyebrows furrow together as I sat on the couch and relaxed. Paije sat next to me before she nudged my foot, bringing me out of a long train of thought.

“What?”

“You're thinking about something…what is it?”

“Kendrick” I mouthed.

                She rolled her eyes ignoring me, turning on the T.V. Rachel walked in carrying a pile of clothes with Madison walking free handed behind her. I guess some things would never change.

“I need you to pack everything for our flight” Madison ordered Rachel lazily.

“You're leaving tomorrow?” Paije asked hopefully.

“The day after! I’m so excited to be going back home” she said leaving the room to go pack.

                Paije and I grinned at each other not in the least bit sorry to see her go. We would be doing the exact same thing if it wasn’t for the wonderful grace of God and Seungri keeping us in this situation. My phone began ringing and I answered it immediately.

“Hello?”

“Well I hope it was worth it” Hyun Joong’s voice carried over through the phone.

“What was?”I said completely hoarse. “Oh you mean the concert?! It was” I answered with a failed attempt to squeal.

“I hope so, you stood me up…again.”

“You didn’t get my message?” I said completely horrified.

“No I got it, but I was still hoping that you would change your mind and show up.”

                His voice deflated a bit.

“Paije and I are really sorry, but we were just way too tired.”

“I was really hoping to see you, especially with you leaving in a few days-”

“Wait! I didn’t tell you?!”

“Tell me what?” His tone became interested.

“I made the music video!”

“You got into the video?” His voice changed to disbelief.

“Yea! Don’t sound so surprised” I laughed.

“Well then we have to go out to celebrate!” His pitch raised. “All four of us.”

My eyes popped open wider. “Hyun Joong, I can’t go out tonight. I have no voice-”

 “I’m not taking no for an answer” he sounded determined. “Seung Gi and I will wait in the lobby.”

I sighed defeated. “What time?”

“Is 7:30 too late?”

“It’s fine. Where are we going?”

“Leave that to me, just get dressed.”

“How am I supposed to know what to wear if you won’t tell me where we’re going?”

“Even if you dressed up like a clown, you’d still be beautiful.”

                My body ‘whooshed’ and a bright smile appeared on my face. There was just no getting used to his compliments; I knew they would still have the same effect on me.

“So…I’ll see you tonight?”

“Absolutely!"  

                I was grinning from ear to ear when I heard him end the phone call. Paije looked at me expecting a full report and for a few seconds I reveled in the fact that this was my life. And I realized that it was officially…perfect.  

“We’re going out tonight!”

“Yeah…I heard” She said weakly flipping the channel.

“Paije I mean we…you, me, Hyun Joong-

Paije looked at me lazily. “I don’t feel like it-”

“That’s too bad, because Seung Gi is going to be-”

“Seung Gi!”

“It’s totally cool if you don’t feel like it…I’m sure he’ll understand.” I smiled watching her rush out of the room to her side of the closet. 

“Shut up and help me pick out something!” She hissed at me because she had no voice to yell.

                I followed her back to the room opening the safe that held my most prized possession. Lying on top of the Hyun Joong coloring books was the beautiful white dress that I had worn at the photo-shoot. Like magic when I unfolded it, it sprang to life removing all traces of wrinkles and concealment. The heart shape and the slight poof near the bottom popped at the sudden movement; and it seemed like over time the intricate beading around the waist became more complex. The simple lace pattern fell just as new.

“Good idea!” Paije whispered. “Take mine out too.”

                I delicately handed hers to her and just like mine when she unfolded it, it fell as smooth as water. Her dress was longer than mine and . The thin straps at the top allowed the silky material of the dress to sway freely. She spun around with the cloth feeling light as air.

“This night is going to be amazing!” Paije murmured.

                I shook my head and laid across my bed thinking about what I had just agreed too. I hadn’t really talked to Hyun Joong since the night we kissed, and I felt stupid for letting him talk me into meeting him again. I was doing the very thing I promised myself that I wouldn’t do! Before I knew it I was grabbing my phone determined to break it off. I sat up quickly before dialing fiercely and Paije looked at me curiously before understanding what was going on.

“Put the phone down” she warned, her voice cracking pitch with each word.

                I didn’t listen and continued to dial. Before I knew it a pillow hit me square in the face as I dropped the phone in between the two beds. We looked at each other…then we looked at the phone. Then we looked at each other…then we lunged for the phone. She got to it first and was now holding it above my head.

“What do you think you are doing?!”

“Paije I can’t go tonight! Which means you can’t go either!”

“I know that’s why I’m stopping you! You have to go tonight!” She croaked. “Why are you changing your mind?”

“What am I going to say to him?!” My voice cracked.

“You don’t have to say anything!” She protested. “We lost our voices remember!!!!”

“I can’t face him Paije!” I pleaded raspy. “Besides, I promised myself that I would avoid them so that-”

“That is the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard!” Paije said roughly pulling out shoes to wear from the closet. “You're going tonight. If not for yourself…for me!”

I groaned. “Paije…”

“No Devon! I let it go with the backstage passes.” She pleaded before her tone changed to determination. “If you don’t want to see him anymore, tell him tonight! Because we’re going and that’s final!”

                She stomped into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. I had a fit on my bed, and not the fan-girling kind. I beat up my pillow so badly it started to resemble a flat surface. I began brushing out my hair waiting for the time to pass, until there was a knock at the suite door. I opened it to find Kendrick smiling; I rolled my eyes not ready to deal with this yet.

“So…are you ready?” He was holding a plastic bag full of something.

“Ready? Ready for what?”  

 “Our date” he smiled pushing his way past me to make himself comfortable on the couch.

“Date?” I laughed, he was clearly delusional. “What date?”

“You never said you were doing anything, so I got some take-out and a movie and I figured we could-”

“Hey Dev, the bathroom’s all yours so you can get ready” Paije tried to yell from the room.

“Ready?” Kendrick said taken aback.

“Yea” I answered unwillingly. “I’m kind of having dinner with…someone else.”

“Oh.”

                That “oh” sank my heart. I felt like I was popping the last balloon at a toddler’s birthday party.

“This is really sweet though” I looked at him apologetically. “Maybe…some other time? Since we’re both staying here for the music video-”

“Ms. Ashford…Are you asking me out on a date?” He smirked at me.

I felt myself smile reluctantly. “Don’t let it go to your head.”

“If you don’t mind me asking…who’s the competition?” Kendrick asked me interested.

“Oh let’s see, T.O.P, Hyun Joong, Taeyang, Seungri, Teddy Park. It changes from day to day” Paije teased jokingly.

I glared at her but she didn’t see it she was busy fixing her hair. “Don’t mind her, she’s still a little out there.”

“No, it’s fine. Just means I need to work harder” he smiled getting up off of the couch.

  “Sorry again-”

“Another time…you promised.” H

                He was out of the door walking down the hallway towards the elevator, before Paije got another chance to insult him again.

“I can’t believe you're actually falling for that English crumpet” she joked making final touches on her hair.

“Am not! But you have to admit that what he did was really sweet” I defended.

                I went to the bathroom and the shower water. I tried to keep calm as the water beat on my back. I attempted to think about what I was going to say to Hyun Joong. I knew that tonight would be the night to say goodbye. I would agree to not see him after this evening. It didn’t make sense to continue living in this dream world where there was a possibility of us getting together. After this music video, I would have to wake up and go back to reality. A reality where I was just an unknown ordinary person who was obsessed with Korean pop music. I felt myself tear up and I washed my face before stepping out of the shower. I dried off, putting on a large t-shirt not wanting to ruin my dress. I began brushing my hair, not sure what to do with it. I ended up running the straightener through it a few times totally displeased with it, before I raked a headband through it. I did my make-up quickly and unenthusiastically; I didn’t have to be happy, Paije was happy enough for the both of us. I looked at her with pleading eyes, but she just shook her head no with a laugh. I breathed out heavily stepping into my dress as Paije did the same. Time flew by magically and we looked in the mirror for final glances. We looked just as pretty as the day we did the photo-shoot.

“It’s 7:25!” Paije said practically running to the elevator door.

                I dragged my feet the entire way. The descent to the lobby felt much quicker than usual; like everything and everyone was making it impossible for me to avoid him any longer. The doors opened and before we left the elevator I grabbed Paije’s arm forcing her to link up with mine.  She looked at me lovingly and led the way to my doom. Seung Gi and Hyun Joong were in the lobby casually sitting on one of the many couches. Somehow they were able to blend in with all of the other people in the room; I’m not sure how as good-looking as they were. Seung Gi was in a dark navy blue button down with a pair of black pants. There were sharp creases in his clothes which made him look clean and fresh. As soon as he saw Paije his face brightened up into this glorious smile. I heard Paije take in a quick deep breath and she squeezed my arm tighter. She was practically cutting off my circulation, which was fine because I knew it took a massive amount of strength to keep from running towards him. When I finally noticed Hyun Joong he was dressed in his simple but classic style. A white button down shirt with a silver vest and tie and black dress pants. My eyes greedily stared at his lean physique; admiring in particular how broad his shoulders were. Hyun Joong as usual, waited for my eyes to touch his and I ducked my head shyly knowing that I had been staring too long.

“Good evening ladies” Seung Gi said towards us, sounding more adorable than usual.

                We smiled in response and they gestured towards the main entrance of the lobby.

“Paije” I whispered. “No matter what, we stick together…okay?”

                But before she could respond we were interrupted by two cars parked back-to-back…both only big enough to carry two. I looked at Paije and almost cried as she looked at me with the exact opposite expression.

“Paije?” Seung Gi gestured opening the door to one of the cars.

                She snatched her arm away from me grinning to her chariot, before skipping lightly to the door. Seung Gi closed the door and I saw her have a tiny fit in the seat.

“Don’t worry Devon, she’ll be safe with me” he promised jogging to the other side of the car. “We’ll see you two after dinner…arresso?”

“Yeh” I whined in Korean before forming a pout.

“Aww…don’t look be sad! You're going to have fun…he promised me” Seung Gi said smiling to Hyun Joong.

                He started the engine and they disappeared down the streets in no time, leaving me here to face my doom. I turned to look at him and there was a slight smile playing around his lips.

“Mohiyah” he laughed before opening my door.

                I shook my head and got in. He tapped the hood of the car before walking to the driver’s side. I took the time to smooth my dress and relax comfortably in the seat.

“You look very nice” Hyun Joong said looking at me before starting the car.

“Thank you…so do you” I said unintentionally short.

He caught the edge in my voice. “Are you going to be sour all night?”

I looked at him surprised. “I’m not sour!”

“You're not yourself tonight.”

“I’m sorry, I’m still trying to get used to the fact that I saw BIGBANG last night” I smiled at the memory.

“BIGBANG” he grumbled. “You should see a SS501 concert and then compare.”

                I smiled thinking of how even though I loved both groups, and both groups were similarly talented, I was already biased…last night just put the seal on it.

“Never mind…it’s too late for you” he teased winding down the different roads.

“Sorry” I laughed.

                The car stopped at a light and I could feel him taking the time to look at me. I felt his eyes on me, and I gave him no satisfaction by staring back…I focused out the window instead.

“Since it’s you,” I said as the car pulled forward. “I’ll try and  be a little more upbeat.”

“You can start by telling me about the video.”

“Isn’t it unbelievable? I mean, I never expected to get a spot!”

He mumbled something in Korean before asking me who my partner was. When I told him it was Seungri he jerked the car forward causing me to fall lightly in the seat.

“Seungri!”

                I couldn’t tell if he thought this was hilarious or upsetting.

“Yes…he’s my partner” I said defensively. What was wrong with Seungri?

“Aish! Why?” He half-laughed.

“You're asking me?! You saw my audition; would you have picked me?”

                I laughed weakly hoping he wouldn’t answer. The car pulled into a secluded restaurant parking lot and he shut off the car. When we walked into the restaurant together, we were led to a small booth and we each took a side. I took the menu to see what I would want to eat, but he gently pulled it away from me. When the waiter came back he ordered a few dishes and I didn’t complain because I had no idea what to choose. I looked around the restaurant; it had maroon colored walls and brown leather furniture. There was hardly anyone in the restaurant except for a few other people; the atmosphere was cozy and welcoming. I looked at him and smiled before placing my hands in my lap.     

 “Devon.”

                I swear every time he said my name it sent shivers up and down my spine.

“Are we ever going to really talk?”

“We’re talking right now” I added placing my hands on the table. “It was a beautiful day today.”

 “I mean…really talk.”

                He slyly reached across the table to hold my quivering hands. I’m sure they were cold as ice, but somehow sweaty from the nerves.

“Even now, you are nervous.”

“See, that’s where you're wrong. My shaking has nothing to do with the kiss you gave me-” I said the very thing I didn’t want to say. “I’m fan-girling! That’s why I’m shaking!”

“When you fan-girl you don’t act like this. You squirm and squeal and you only shake when you're excited, and you get this wide mouth blank stare” he chuckled. “You get so caught up that you can barely breathe. A really big smile starts spreading across your face. Trust me…I know the difference between fandom and-”

“Stop it!”

“Huh?”

“Please, just stop talking” I said firmly.

“What’s wrong?”

“ I’m the fan and you're the idol!” I wanted to scream at him but somehow I didn’t. “I’m supposed to remember stuff like that about you…you're supposed to forget me!”

“Why would I forget you?” He looked at me clearly puzzled.

“I’m the fan…you're the idol” I said in my best ‘I Tarzan You Jane’ impersonation. “You’re not supposed to remember stuff like that! I’m not supposed to be special to you! I don’t understand why you remember!”  

“Because I like you” he said honestly. “I thought I made that clear when I kissed you.”

                The waitress came back with our dishes and placed them delicately in front of us. We thanked her and she disappeared. I picked up my chopsticks and began eating fiercely. He stared at me a long time before eating.  I was so upset I just felt like crying into my food. Why couldn’t he understand why this was never supposed to happen. Maybe in some alternate universe he could tell me that he liked me, but not in the real one! My life was not a drama, and even though the past few weeks felt like a script…us ending up together was not the happy ending. It couldn’t be! First off, he was an idol! He couldn’t just confess to me and have everything go back to normal. Eventually he or SS501 would make a comeback; and I refused to be the cause for a band splitting up. Two, I was eventually going back to the U.S where I belonged. I began stabbing the fish meat in front of me, I jabbed it relentlessly before popping it into my mouth. I was still pouting throughout the entire dinner. When he paid he gestured to leave and I followed him out to the car. His whole persona had changed; the relaxed smiling Hyun Joong I had become accustomed too had disappeared. His driving stance was rigid and both  hands were flexing around the steering wheel. I wanted to laugh at his behavior but I didn’t, I needed to keep this argument going. I needed to make him mad enough to never want to see me again. I almost choked on the thought, but I swallowed hard determined to see it through. He surprised me by taking me back to the hotel parking in the parking lot.

“Thank you for this evening” I said to him quietly. “And for everything else too. I’ll never forget it.”

                I looked at him but he was still unyielding and cold. He got out of the car in a hurry coming around to open my door. I bowed to him before walking up the steps of the hotel to enter into the lobby. I practically ran towards the elevator, pushing the buttons fiercely in fear of him coming after me. He didn’t and I was thankful. I ran to my room slamming the door behind me. I fell hard onto my bed and began crying, not even bothering to take off the dress.

What had I just done?

~~~~

                Seung Gi and I were whipping past the other cars in and out of Seoul. He was taking me all around to his local hangouts; showing me the different places he liked to go when he had the time. Right now we were sitting in this small jazz club swaying to the music. I never expected him to really be into jazz, and hell! Jazz music wasn’t the first genre on my iPod, but the way he talked about it…he made it sound so passionate and wonderful. I knew this would be a night I would never forget. The thing I liked most about Seung Gi, is that no matter how many people were surrounding us he made me feel like it was just us. Like we were the only two people in the world. He stood up at the small table we were scrunched at and held out his hand. He looked at me urging me to take it and I stared at it. He smiled and shook his head in disbelief at my hesitance, but waited patiently. His hand waved for me to take it and I did. He gently pulled me to the dance floor, and spun me around bringing himself closer to me. His firm hands wound themselves around my waist, and although he was holding me tighter than what I was used too I couldn’t actually complain. The music turned bittersweet with a melancholy undertone. I subconsciously ducked my head into his chest, and I felt him rest his head on top of mine. I smiled into his shirt and I looked up at him. He pulled away unsure.

“This is the part where I wake up isn’t it?” I asked him curiously but secretly feeling his clothing trying to prove that this was actually happening.

“Paije, I really think I should be saying that to you” he beamed at me.  “I’m not sure I want to wake up.”

I felt him laugh before I spoke. “So this is a dream?”

“More like a fantasy” He leaned away from me. “I’ve been trying to ask you out for weeks!”

“Really?!” I shrieked, the inner fan-girl unable to contain more.

He nodded. “You were so caught up with Daesung…I know how much this means to you.” He shrugged casually. “I-I didn’t want to ruin it.”

                That had to be the sweetest thing I had ever heard. A guy willing to let me express my fandom freely? Usually most guys I date get jealous when I talk about my biases, but here was one of them allowing me to become excited over someone else? He really was perfect! I smiled at him before placing my head back onto his chest. I prayed to God that this song would never end, as we swayed easily across the floor. After a few more blissful moments, he reached into his pocket to pull out a vibrating cell phone. I backed away from him, even though every urge in my body was telling me to smash the phone and keep dancing. He led me back to the table as he talked quickly in Korean.

“Hyun Joong wants to meet up…is that okay?”

                I nodded and followed him to the car. He opened the door for me before getting in and we were driving away again. I was surprised to see that the club we were meeting them at was Envi, the same one as before. I was the first one to notice Hyun Joon sitting slumped over at the bar; Devon nowhere in sight.

“Hi” I said friendly to Hyun Joong expecting a polite return, but instead he looked at me and scoffed before continuing with his drink.

                My head tilted to glare questioningly at him, before regaining my composure. A smile returning to my face.

“Where’s Devon?” Seung Gi asked him.

“She must be in the bathroom” I said answering his question.

“Sure…sure!” Hyun Joong said in a stupor. “If it’s back at the hotel.”

“Back at the hotel?!” I shrieked. “Is she sick?”

“She’s perfectly fine!” Hyun Joong snapped his fingers before pointing to the empty glass.

“What did you say to her?”

“ME! Me?” He yelled before busting out in laughter. “All I did was tell the truth!”

                I looked at him pathetically allowing him to continue.

“I like her Paije…and she doesn’t feel the same.”

“You're kidding me right?!” I shouted at him angrily, competing with the bass of the music.

“She only sees me as an idol…that’s all she ever cared about.”

                So many profanities raced through my mind and I had no idea which one to use first. I looked at Seung Gi’s sad face and decided to use silence. I couldn’t help but glare at him though. He was acting like a complete jackass! I mean, try to see it from Devon’s perspective. An idol confessing to her; what does he expect her to do?

“Hyun Joong” I began trying my hardest not to blow up. “I know for a fact that she saw you as more than just an idol. She liked you, she still does. But right now, seeing you like this…I’m not sure I want her with you. She’d be better off with someone else.”

                Seung Gi grabbed my hand and led me out of the club back to the car and drove me straight to the hotel.

“What about Hyun Joong?”

“I’ll get him after I drop you off.”

                He pulled right in front of the valet station and the man at the entrance opened the door.

“Thank you for tonight…I had a really good time” I said smiling.

“I did too. Keep in touch Paije.” He said leaning over to kiss my cheek, but I cleverly turned so that he kissed my lips.

                His eyes sprang open and he backed away stunned before laughing embarrassed.

“If this is a fantasy, I might as well get the most out of it” I laughed getting out of the car.

                He was still laughing as the man closed the door and I hopped up the stairs like Gene Kelly. I felt light as air that I was practically singing when I reached the elevator. That all changed when I saw Devon sprawled out across her bed still in her dress. Traces of mascara were faded onto her cheeks, and I knew that she had cried herself to sleep. I looked at her not knowing what to do.