When I got up mid-morning I was happy to see that the weather reflected my current mood. It was a straight down pour with high winds slapping against the windows. I smiled in spite of my deflated mood and went to the shower. I groaned stepping in barely noticing the temperature of the water; my entire body felt numb. Why was I feeling so low? That was a dumb question…I knew exactly why I was feeling like crap. I was having a mental war with myself and I couldn’t figure out which side made more sense. I had been beating myself up ever since I left Hyun Joong’s car. Why couldn’t I have just told him how I felt! That every time he spoke, it took every ounce of strength to keep my knees from buckling. Whenever he visited me, it sent my body whooshing all over the place. If he did something for me, it filled me up with so much happiness I felt I could explode. Not to mention that whenever he touched me a tingling feeling would still prickle my skin, even after he moved his hand away. He made my day just by smiling and when he sang, I would loose all composure. But all of these feelings didn’t compare to the way I felt when we kissed. I had never been kissed like that in my entire life. It was so passionate and so spontaneous! I’m sure if I hadn’t been crying for obvious reasons, I would have cried to express the amount of euphoria I was feeling. An emotion of emptiness came flooding back reminding me repeatedly that that wonderful experience was never going to happen to me again…especially after last night. I shut off the water and got out. I needed to clear my head; I was tired of thinking. I needed to not think! I hurriedly put on a pair of grey yoga pants and a cut-out off the shoulder sweatshirt and tank top before putting on my sneakers. I brushed my hair quickly and worked it into a bun, not even bothering to straighten it. I didn’t know why but I felt the urge to take time on my makeup, I found it relaxing somehow. Focusing on my face, especially my eyes making them pop took my mind off of Hyun Joong for a while. I face looked just as pretty as usual.

“Where are you going?”Paije stirred in her bed while hearing me getting dressed.

“Over to the YG Building” I said calmly.

“If you give me fifteen minutes, I can go get-”

“It’s cool Paije…stay in and sleep.”

“You sure?” She asked fluffing up her pillow.

“Yeah…I guess I’ll see you in a few hours?”

She nodded. “Don’t overdo it! I’ll come and get you if necessary.”

                I agreed before grabbing my bag and ID leaving the room. The living room was empty except for the piles and piles of luggage sitting in the room. I walked around it leaving the suite walking down the hallway to the elevators. No one was to be seen and it was a quiet ride down as well. I entered the lobby and it was fairly empty; I continued my journey putting my headphones in. I turned it to an upbeat song and strolled down the streets making the familiar twists and turns until I arrived at the YG building. I stepped in showing the security guard my ID and he let me pass to the elevator doors. I landed on the bottom floor where I knew I would find some practice rooms. The hallways were empty and eerie, and I felt that even with my quiet steps I was being too loud. People were hard at work dancing in the rooms so I knew I had no chance of seeing anyone which decreased my already sour mood even more. After walking around the level I finally found an empty practice room and I stepped in quickly. I went over to my iPod and plugged it into the speaker, scrolling through my Practice Playlist. I ignored each happy bubbly girl group song, because none of those artists expressed what I was feeling. I didn’t feel girly or delicate. I felt pissed off and hardcore, so I changed it to my go-to thug song…Hello by G.E.E.K.S. I put it on repeat and began nodding my head in rhythm. I twisted and turned my body feeling no pain in any movement and I was grateful. I began dancing aggressively to the music, jumping up and down pumping out my chest repeatedly. I was turning seductively towards the mirror before bursting out forceful in aggression. I was upset and when I looked into the mirror there was an angry expression, but sometimes I would change it up. A small smirk would appear across my face before I bared my teeth towards the sly appearance. I was clearly working up a sweat so after another round I changed the song to Hip Song by Rain.

                I knew exactly why I didn’t want to listen to any songs sung by cutesy optimistic females; I didn’t want to think about Hyun Joong. Whenever I was with him he always made me feel like those types of girls. Happy, excited, overjoyed…his personality made my mood inflate like helium to a balloon; and now that I wasn’t going to see him I didn’t want to hear what happiness would sound like. I needed something rougher. I wanted to act like the guys in this song. Cool, confident, unaffected. Complete jerks that didn’t care if they ended up hurting someone’s feelings or not. I didn’t want to care! The only female group that I allowed myself to hear was 2NE1. I jumped and danced around to Go Away imagining that Hyun Joong was watching me, so when it got to the chorus I began shouting it. CL’s second verse came around and I felt myself beginning to tear up as I sang along. I ended up sitting down on the floor, bringing my knees to me. I cried with the song feeling nothing but ferocity especially when it got to the bridge of the song. When it ended, I wiped away my tears before shutting the song off. I turned it to Lie by CN Blue and when I read the lyrics that danced across my iPod they expressed exactly how I was feeling. I took in a deep breath, swallowing the bitterness of my decision. I knew eventually I was going to get over this, at least I hoped I would. I also knew that things would get a whole lot easier as soon as I left Seoul…they just had too.

                Pulling me away from my thoughts was my cell phone, loudly singing BoA’s I Did It For Love. I looked at the caller id preparing myself to hit the end call button if on the off chance it had been Hyun Joong, but it wasn’t.

“Hello?” I sniffled.

“Ayo Dev, you busy?” Teddy Park’s now familiar voice said over the phone.

“No not really” I said weakly.

“Are you okay?” He asked suddenly sounding like an older brother; it kind of threw me off.

“Uhm…yea” I said clearing my throat. “I don’t have much of a voice…that’s all.”

“Oh” he chuckled. “Well if you can, you and your friend should come to the studio again…we all had fun the last time so, yea!”

“I’ll see you in like 5 minutes” I said without hesitation, grabbing my stuff and closing the door to the practice room.

“You don’t have to come right now-”

“I might as well, I’m in the YG building” I said dully pushing the elevator up-button.

“Oh” he said surprised. “Well I’m in the same room as before.”

“Alright, see you in 2 seconds.” I said stepping into the empty elevator pushing a random floor number.

                I had completely forgot which floor I needed to go too. Last time I had CL to show Paije and I which room to go in. I wasn’t smart enough to pay attention to the floor number, I was too excited. All I knew was that it was higher than the lobby. The elevator stopped preparing to open the doors to let me out; so I hoped that whoever was going to step into the elevator next would tell me where I could find Teddy. The doors opened and Kang Daesung walked in barely noticing me. I felt a slight flutter in my stomach. He looked well rested but tired at the same time.

“Daesung-ssi” I bowed ducking my head.

He looked at me trying to get a good look at my face. “Ms. Ashford?”

I nodded with a smile, happy to see that even surrounded in amazingness he was still able to pick me out.

“What are you doing here? Is Paije here too or-”

“No!” I said too loudly. “I’m trying to find Teddy Park, but I can’t remember which floor he’s on-”

                He smoothly stood in front of me pushing the door close button and the fifth floor button. When he stepped in front of me I was fully able to appreciate his broad shoulders. His strong arms unintentionally flexed in front of me and I felt the need to suppress a strong urge to scream. I knew that this would be a short ride; we were on the third and I had to get to the fifth. Just as long as he didn’t mention the concert, I was fairly sure I’d be able to control myself.

“Did you enjoy the concert?”  He asked passing the time.

                I nodded fiercely afraid of scarring him away.

“Good” he said stuffing his hands in his jean pockets. “Here you go…he’s probably at the end.”

                I was looking at the hallway I had walked down before and things felt more familiar.

“Thank you” I said smiling.

                He waved as the elevator doors closed and I began walking to the last recording booth. I passed the other rooms and found his easily. I knocked on the door and he motioned me in; he was sitting comfortably in his chair.

“What’s up?”

“Hey Teddy” I said trying to perk up. “How’s it going?”

“Better than you sound” he chuckled. “Rough day?”

The look I gave him made him stop asking questions. “Never mind” he said suggesting to the leather seats.

                I sat down placing my stuff on top of my coat relaxing into the seat.

“So why were you here?” Teddy asked changing the volume levels on a switchboard.

“I was dancing in the practice rooms.”

“Oh” he answered adjusting something else. “Well wait until you hear this!”

“I can’t wait” I smiled allowing my mood to slightly inflate at the fact that I was listening to a brand new Teddy mix.

“You have to tell me exactly what you think of it…ok? Like you can’t say it’s awesome just because I made…like you have to tell me why.”

“Okay” I nodded ready to hear it.

                The music began playing and the intro was an acoustic guitar before it erupted into an electric solo. I was waiting for the  beat and it came right on cue. It sounded like him, edgy and rough and somehow it began expressing my feelings. When the rapping started I recognized that it was Tablo and a huge smile started spreading across my face. He was rapping fiercely over the track allowing the music to crescendo into something bittersweet. I suddenly felt the strongest urge to cry and I felt my eyes beginning to water. I wiped my face quickly, somehow passing my sniffles off as a cough. Teddy turned his chair around and stared at my face.

“Are you sure you're alright?”

I nodded sniffling even more. “I’ll get over it.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

                I shook my head no, continuing to listen to the outpour of talent in the studio. When the song ended I looked at Teddy and smiled weakly.

“It’s really good. It suits his voice perfectly” I added trying to change the subject. “Tablo is really talented.”

“Yea. This song was surprisingly really easy to crank out” Teddy said lifting his hat to scratch his head. “So what did you think of the concert?”

My face lit up like a kid on Christmas. “It was unbelievably incredible! The absolute best thing to ever happen to me!”

                I sat hard back into the seat reliving the concert. I was probably smiling so big, looking like a complete idiot but I didn’t care.

“How did you like your song? Did we do it right?” He stretched in his chair.

 I felt the smile disappear remembering my complete and utterly rap fail attempt.  “How could you have done that?!”

“What?” He scoffed. “I thought it was pretty good-”

“I meant my puny and pathetic rapping” I cracked a smile. “You and T.O.P were fabulous…as always.”

He laughed. “It wasn’t that bad.”

I looked at him until he retracted his statement. “Just promise me you're not going to release it to the public and I’ll call it even.”

“What’evs Devon” he smiled turning his chair.

                His phone began ringing and he picked it up fairly quickly.

“Yebosseo? Oh. Neh!”

                His Korean came out so fluidly it sounded like Spanish and I felt myself start to gape. He waved his hands in front of my face to regain my focus.

“Are you hungry?”

“Me? Uh…I guess?” I hesitated. “I have to go meet Paije though-”

“Call her up…tell her to meet at us YG in ten”

“Okay” I smiled without hesitation dialing her number.

                I told Paije to meet us in the YG lobby and I heard her rushing to get ready even over the phone. When I hung up with her Teddy got out of his seat and motioned for me to follow him. By the time he got off from his phone call we were pushing the elevator down button. We stepped in and he hit the lobby button and we started the descent.

“So is it just the three of us?” I asked standing next to him.

“Not exactly” Teddy answered as the doors opened up on the 3^rd level revealing Seungri and the Kwon Twins.

                My face brightened up to the biggest smile as I stared at the three of them. My mood was definitely increasing.

“Mohiyah!” Seungri grinned allowing his adorable panda eyes to become big in surprise. “I thought it was just BIGBANG”

“BIG…BANG!!!!” I shrieked, but because I had lost my voice I completely faded out.

                I was casually going to dinner with BIGBANG! No matter how much time I spent with any of them it never sunk in. This was something I could never get used too.

“Don’t pass out…T.O.P-hyun won’t want to miss it” Teddy teased me.

“You know about that?!” I asked completely horrified as the three of them stepped into the elevator.

                How many people knew about the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me? Was there a poster at YG or something? But then again knowing T.O.P he probably framed the sign he used for my time-out at the photo-shoot. I began texting Paije.

        WHERE SOMETHING CUTE!!! WE’RE GOING OUT WITH BIGBANG!!!

          IT’S TOO LATE FOR ME BUT W/EVS! MAKE SURE YOU LOOK HOTT!!!

DISTRACT THEM FROM ME WITH YOUR BEAUTY T.T

                Hopefully she got the text message in time! I looked at my appearance and began fixing it. Why today of all days did I have to look plain Jane and sweaty?! I wanted to slap myself!  At least I remembered to put on make-up and I was eternally grateful to God above for pressing me to do it. I began fixing my clothes trying to make myself seem less flustered. I began checking underneath my arms for sweat stains and other things I knew they would tease me about.

“So what have you been up too?” Seungri turned around to ask me.

 “Just dancing in the practice rooms” I answered easily.

“Yea, until I told her to come see me in the studio” Teddy added. “I wanted her to hear the new song for Tablo.”            

“Oh…you finished it?”

                Seungri and Teddy kept talking as the elevator stopped on the second floor. The Kwon Twins stepped out and the three of us waited for the elevator doors to shut.

“Yah! Aniyo! Aniyo!!! Yah!!!”

                A man was yelling down the hallway stopping right in front of the elevator to catch his breath. He was breathing so heavily you think he just ran a marathon. When the man caught his breath he pulled down his cap before stepping into the elevator. I looked at him trying to see who he was, but I could already tell by the outline of his shape that it was Taeyang.

“Taeyang-ssi?”

He looked at me startled but then smiled. “Devon! What are you doing here?”

“She’s coming with us!” Seungri said excitedly.

“Neh! Cool!” he grinned at me before pushing the elevator down button.

                It was totally awful but I was silently praying that we would get stuck in this elevator…I didn’t want me or anyone else to leave. It was too perfect!

We finally reached the lobby floor and I let the guys step out so I could take my hair down. I looked at my reflection in the elevator steel and began ruffling my hair around. The curls from the bun gave me some nice waves and I somehow pulled a bang from the front and gave myself a swoop. I was just too lucky! My hair looked great but not over done; and I walked out of the elevator with a little more confidence. The guys were standing right in front of the desk and I walked over to them sweeping my hair to one side.

“Moh?!  Is YG’s elevator magic or something?” Teddy teased. “A few minutes ago you were flustered and sweaty…what happened?”

I glared at him. “I was not flustered” I laughed. “Definitely sweaty, but not flustered.”

“Oh so now you're getting used to us?” Taeyang smiled.

“This girl?” Seungri said stepping towards me. He smirked at me in less than 3 inches away.

                I bit my lip subconsciously before a weak smile spread across my face. I giggled totally feeling like I could collapse at any moment.

“Nope..she’s still the same” Seungri smiled triumphantly backing away from me so I could breathe.

                Teddy and Taeyang were chortling with laughter and I eventually joined in.

“That wasn’t nice” I giggled.

“Devon! Am I too late-”

                Paije stopped mid-sentence, hung wide open. She looked at the three men behind me. Then she looked to me, and then she looked back to the 3 guys. Then she looked down at herself, and to our dismay she looked just as plain as me. She wore a pair of jeans and a rock-n-roll t-shirt. Her make-up was quite pretty and her high pony tail accented her eyes. She gulped, slowly walking over to us.

“Hi Paije!” They greeted her.

“Hi” she said softly waving at them before linking her arms up with mine. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She hissed low enough for me to hear.

“I did.. check your phone” I grinned at the boys.

“Where are the rest of them?” Taeyang whined. “I’m hungry!”

“Rest of them?” Paije asked me.

I nodded. “We’re going with all of them.”

                She griped tighter onto my arm for dear life and I could tell that she wanted to scream but she caught it. A voice yelled to our group in Korean and we all turned around to see G-Dragon and Daesung walking towards us.

“Oh! Hi” GD waved to us and I waved back smiling.

“Paije?” Daesung asked her unsure.

She nodded not being able to respond.

“Eh…I thought you said that Paije wasn’t here?”

“I WASN’T!!!!” Paije yelled startling us all; but then she realized that she was way louder than necessary. “I just got here Daesung-ssi” she breathed.

“Oh” he said giving her one of his signature smiles.

                I seriously thought she was going to melt into a puddle. I mean he wasn’t even my bias and I started too. As soon as they weren’t looking she smacked herself in the face in humiliation.

“Yah!”  

                A deeper voice yelled at us making everyone turn around but me. I already knew who the voice belonged too. He was the only one we were still waiting for, not to mention my bias. He started speaking quickly in Korean until he saw Paije and I standing behind the other guys.

“Hi” I bowed.

“Yah!!!”  Seungri whined. “She bowed! She didn’t do it for any of us!!!”

                My eyes grew bigger in surprise. They could clearly tell that I hadn’t meant to offend anyone.

“Sorry!” I said bowing to each one quickly.

                Everyone began laughing as I stopped embarrassed. T.O.P pressed his lips inward to keep from smiling, but his eyes were bright with humor.

“Ga ja!”Teddy said leading us out of the entrance.

                We followed behind the group walking a few blocks until stopping at this empty restaurant. We entered in and the women at the front desk greeted us. Obviously the guys were regulars here at this restaurant. Unlike most Korean barbeque places the booths were circular with the grilling stations in the middle, with a walkway in the center. It sort of reminded me of a circular hibachi station. Somehow Paije and I got separated and she sat happily across the station from me next to Daesung. She must have found her confidence during the walk over here. My hopes raised as secretly watched T.O.P find a seat. He looked at me and nodded before sitting next to Paije. I felt myself pout but I perked up when Teddy and Seungri sat on either side of me. Taeyang rubbed his hands together in anticipation as he took off his hat to sit down to the right of Seungri. A young girl stepped out from the kitchen carrying a tray of drinks. She clearly was V.I.P. her cute round face was freshly flushed beet red, and her hair had strands sticking out all over the place. Paije and I looked at each other clearly recognizing the signs of a fan-girl. This chick had clearly just flailed in the kitchen, and the worst part was the entire table knew it.

“Annyeong!” GD smiled to her easily.

“An…An…Annn-”  the girl said with a sheepish smile across her face.

                G-Dragon’s got even bigger as he  and the other members ordered different dishes for us. She nodded and walked away obviously going back to the kitchen to  flail and scream.

“She must be V.I.P” G-Dragon said flexing before sitting more comfortably in his chair.

                She came back with drinks and placed them in front of us before disappearing back to the kitchen.  

“Seungri-ssi” I said quietly.

“Hm?” He ducked his head down so he could hear me.

“Thank you for choosing me” I smiled minor compared to how I wanted to thank him.

                I felt like shouting and screaming about it while jumping up and down, but I figured it would be less scary if I just said it extra polite.

He looked at me strange. “Devon, I knew I wanted you for my partner since we danced at the club.”

                Giant butterflies where flapping their wings inside my stomach, but somehow I played it cool.

“Really?” My voice cracked.

“Hm” he smiled. “You're really fun to be around. And you are also really good”

                The tiniest hint of a blush played around his cheeks and I felt my kidney fail at the fact that an idol was blushing because of me. I began giggling, but it was silent because my voice was still gone. I took a sip of water regaining my cool composure. I looked over at Paije who was happily conversing with Daesung who seemed not in the least bit bored. She looked at me and grinned, before continuing.

“Are you alright?”

I nodded. “Its just my voice, it’s still gone from the concert!” I grinned at him happily.

“Oh! That’s right! What did you guys think?” G-Dragon said opening up the conversation to the group.

                Paije and I looked at each other before silently writhing.

“It had to be the most incredible thing we have ever witnessed!!!” I tried to squeal but I had no voice, so I kept cracking and fading out.

“YOU ALL WERE FANTASTIC!!!” Paije tried yelling but like I said we had no voice.

“I mean the dancing!!”

 “And the singing!!”

“ And the rapping!”

“And the effects!!!”

“IT WAS AWESOME!!!” We said together after our slight rant.

                Paije and I looked at each other totally forgetting who we were with. We were finally reminiscing about the best concert we had ever seen, we pretty much zoned out. We began laughing making no coherency and still somehow able to talk.

“Here we go” Teddy groaned bringing us back. “That was the wrong question to ask.”

“SORRY” we smiled.

“We can’t help it! It was mind-blowing!!!” Paije apologized

“Exactly! Like I don’t even think that my wedding day will top this concert!” I clapped in laughter at the comparison.

                We both sighed coming off a high! BIGBANG and Teddy looked at us questioningly for a while, but we didn’t care. We were used to people thinking that we were weird…it kind of goes along with the fandom. The chef and waitress came back with trays of uncooked food, and the chef automatically started turning on the grill. He bowed to us all and began cooking. He started out by making a huge flame right in front of my face and I leaned back in surprise before returning to my position laughing bright eyed. I saw T.O.P looking at me and I ducked my head away trying to avoid his perfected gaze.

“Devon” Seungri turned to face me. “What was your favorite song?”

“Uhm” I began thinking of my favorite numbers. “I had so many…I can’t choose.”

“Any of mine?”

“Of course! You’re wonderful” I laughed simply. “I was really studying your partner in Magic, she was great. And your passion for dance…I need to practice more.”

“I can help you if you want…we are partners” he grinned.

                I felt myself sigh…he was just so smooth. I nodded not knowing what else to say.

“What about the others?” Teddy asked me. “Go down the line.”

I took in a deep breath. “Well when you did Black & Yellow that was really good, minus my voice of course.”

                He smiled.

“And Seungri singing ‘What Else Can I Do’ that was really good. Taeyang was fabulous! ‘Wedding Dress’ and ‘Take It Slow’. I really needed those to calm down” I smiled remembering my fits.

“And me?” G-Dragon asked.

“Butterfly and She’s Gone…hands down! Baby Don’t Cry for Daesung and Like Nothing Happened for T.O.P”        

“I thought you said Of All Days was your favorite song of mine?” T.O.P said completely out of nowhere.

“It is-”

“What about you Paije?” GD asked her.

“Uhm… Try Smiling and Baby Goodnight were unforgettable! VVIP was good too! I liked your collabs better though, like GD & T.O.P’s Baby Goodnight” she smiled. “Taeyang and GD’s I Need A Girl, uhm not to mention our BIGBANG favorites.”

“Haru Haru”

“Lies”

“Café”

“Oh and Love Song!” Paije squealed.

~~~~

still writting lol