Jihyun.

She was once again here in my room. I looked behind her and the door of my room is open. She looks beautiful, as always. Her loving bright smile radiates in every corner of the room and I can’t help but to smile back, holding the tears that are threatening to fall. She still has her wings and there were no more stains of blood on the same white dress she used to wear. She was as elegant as ever.

Her expressions weren’t pained nor does it show any signs that she’s sad.

She was peacefully smiling at me.

And you know what hurts? She looks real.

She walked silently towards my bed where I was lying. My body chose to stay rooted in place. I wait for her to come closer and when she did, her scent…that lavender scent only she has lingered. She sat on the bed and when she was close enough for me to reach her, there was a strong urge in me to take her into my arms—and I did.

At first, I caressed her cheek. I thought she’s going to disappear suddenly—like she always did in my dreams—but tonight, it wasn’t the same. She didn’t disappear.

She stayed by my side.

“J—Jihyun.” My throat felt dry. I was in tears by right now and she only managed to smile as she closed her eyes, as if cherishing every seconds that I’m touching her cheek. I know this is a dream but I don’t want to open my eyes anymore. I don’t want to be in the reality.

In the reality that I’ve already lost her.

“Luhan.” I cried even more when she spoke. It’s been a long time that I’ve heard her and never did she open to talk in my former dreams of her. She would only have that smile and would disappear when I touch her or even get closer to her.

Her hands made its way through my messy hair. It felt so surreal. I really don’t want to wake up anymore. “Take me, Jihyun-ah. Take me.” I said in between my sobs.

“Luhan, I love you.” She said, holding my hand and kissing the fingertips lovingly. “You won’t have to suffer anymore.”

And once again, she disappeared.

She left me.

And I woke up, crying.

I can still see her. Every night, she appears in my dreams. But in every dream, it’s always the same. She always gives me the same message every night.

Except for that one particular dream that felt surreal.

But that night that I woke up with my pillow wet with my tears, I looked around my room—just like what I do every time I dream of her, checking if everything was really a dream—and when I did, I found my door open which I made sure to be locked before I went to bed. I looked around once again, and found the window wide open.

Was it really a dream?

It’s been one year since that war. One year since she left me. Six months since I’ve been living in the darkest alley of my life. One year…one year since my heart stopped beating. I’ve become someone with a stoned-heart. I’ve become someone who has been unapproachable.

The other guys had moved on—somehow—from what happened one year ago. They’ve focused on other things in order to forget what happened. But how could they? How could they just want to forget about what happened? How could they just want to forget the things she had done in order for us to live? How could they just forget as if nothing has happened?

Ever since a year ago, the twelve of us have been dropped from Heaven to earth. We had the choice to choose from being an angel,—without wings and close to being a human because if we choose it, we’d become angel who’s mortal—a human and a demon. Without hesitation I chose to be an angel and the other guys did as well except for one person: Kris. He chose to be a demon in order for Hell to have a King—someone who’ll rule the souls that was thrown into the pits of hell and make sure they’re not going to make a war against angels.

They have been slowly forgetting what happened behind.

I can’t do that.

For me, everything is still as fresh as if it happened yesterday. Whenever I enter the vacant room that was once her bedroom, I can still smell her. And as much as I hate it, I can still see blood. Maybe I’m hallucinating, maybe her sheets are really stained with blood…I hate it. I hate it because it reminded me how much she suffered. It reminded me how much a coward I am to let her do all the work.

I wish I’m with you Jihyun.

I had been telling the God of Heaven to take me from where I stood. I’ve been praying for Him to take me away because I don’t want to feel this pain any more. But I guess, even if I chose to be a mortal angel, He won’t listen to me because of the heavy mistakes I made from the past.

I got up from my bed and looked at the mirror. Zombie, is the description of what I looked like right now. I look at my reflection on the mirror and found the big scar on my back—a symbol that I no longer have those beautiful wicked wings.

*Knock knock

“Hyung, are you awake? Breakfast is ready and…we’re going to have to leave early.” It was Sehun. I heard him sigh when I didn’t give any respond. “Hyung…it’s the first time all eleven of us will be on the dining table eating altogether. Just…come down and let’s eat without making a fuss.” Eleven? Someone’s missing. Ah, right. My brother has been so busy down there in hell to even visit us but I can understand. It’s what he wants and it’s what he needed to do for the sake of most people. He needs to rule hell and avoid all the things that happened a year ago.

Everyone was seated on their respective seats—Xiumin and I on each ends of the table since we’re the oldest among the eleven of us. I can feel the tensed atmosphere amongst us. All of us were quiet, not sure what to say, not sure if we should talk, ask questions to each other. It’s just so awkward. How come that we became like this? From being close brothers a year ago to becoming like strangers to each other now, how did it come to this? Maybe it’s my fault for shutting them out of my life. If only I tried moving on…then maybe our bond won’t go down to this.

“I’m sorry.” Those two words were the first words I’ve ever told them since a year ago. I can feel all of them looked up to me with questions on their faces—except for Baekhyun whose face is probably expressionless.

No one dared to say something so I guess they’re waiting for more things I have to say, but am I really ready? But then I guess it’s better to say it now than later. I have this feeling that I should say what’s been in my mind…in my heart for a long time now. I have this huge urge to tell them exactly how I feel. I feel this huge urge because it feels as if I can’t do it later.

It’s like the saying: now or never.

I really don’t know what has gotten into me but I said things I’ve kept for too long. “I know I’ve been selfish for the past year. I only knew how to shut you guys up and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did that. It’s just that it’s hard. It’s hard for me and I knew it was hard for all of you as well but I hope you understand me. I really do hope.”

My brothers, the brothers I’ve been neglecting for already twelve months. I’m really sorry. This hyung is useless ever since Jihyun left. “I should’ve been strong for I am one of the oldest here but I was too childish. This hyung only thinks about himself. I’m sorry.” By now, I am holding my tears to burst out. I should stay strong. I should stay strong enough to protect these brothers.