Lee Joon loved hot showers.  They always made him feel clean… or at least as clean as he could be.  He would never be able to wash off the filth left by Jang Daeho’s ual abuse but at least he could wash off his scent and touch.

Turning off the faucet, Joon stepped out of the tub and dried himself off.  Careful of his burn, he wiped the condensation from the mirror and looked at his reflection. 

The haircut Seungho gave him turned out quite nice.  Joon’s hair was now much shorter and cleaner.  His bangs brushed the tops of his eyebrows and could be swept off to the side with some gel to expose his forehead.  He was still uncomfortable with using gel but Seungho seemed to like it when he did.  He could remember the first time he tried to use gel… his hair became so hard that he could stab his hands with it.  Seungho had laughed at him and pushed his head in the sink to wash it off.

It was a strange experience for Joon.  He had never once had such a friendly relationship with anyone before… at least not during the time that he could remember.  It didn’t help that he couldn’t remember anything before the age of ten but excluding that, Seungho was the closest he ever gotten to having a friend.  The tenderness Seungho showed him at times was enough to make his heart race and his breath hitch.  He sometimes found himself staring at the older boy go about his daily tasks, fascinated by his movements and expressions.

Lately he noticed that Seungho looked more fatigued than usual.  His dark circles were getting worse and he seemed to be losing weight.  Joon attributed these symptoms to their money troubles.  It was clear every time Seungho saw a bill that they were running out of money fast.  He knew Seungho was trying to help Dara and Cheondoong financially and it was really putting a strain on his own financial stability. 

So Joon decided to work more.  He took more shifts at work and looked for more part-time jobs.  The café had agreed to more shifts, scheduling him for over thirty hours a week.  Joon found himself working eight hour shifts most days, which suited him just fine.  Although the amount he earned was still not significant, it certainly helped.

Sighing, Joon pulled on some clothes and walked into the kitchen.  Seungho had already left for the morning, off to his advanced computer programming lecture.  He’d left breakfast on the table for Joon with a note saying he’d be home later than usual.  Something about dropping by a mart and picking up a new pot. 

Eating quickly, Joon washed the dishes and slipped on his shoes.  He glanced at the clock on the wall.  It was 8:37 AM.  His shift would start in a little over twenty minutes and it took him a good fifteen minutes to walk to work.  Slipping into the oversized jacket that Seungho had lent him, he quickly left the apartment and locked the door behind him.

He walked briskly, breathing in the fresh morning air.  The streets were already bustling with people heading to work.  Shops had opened up along the streets and filled the air with smells of fresh bread, warm soup and steaming breakfasts. 

Spotting the café, Joon jogged the last few steps to the front door and entered.  The café was busy with customers at this time of day.  People lined up to pick up breakfasts to-go before work and others sat at the tables, enjoying their meals in the sun-soaked dining area.  Entering through the employee door, Joon quickly changed into his waiter uniform and clocked in. 

“Oh Joon-ah,” called a senior female co-worker.  Miyun was the oldest employee at the café and just had her 32^nd birthday a month ago.  She took Joon under her wing when he’d first arrived.  She had patiently coached Joon in his job as a waiter and often looked after him.  It was both sad and comforting to Joon that she reminded him of Dara.  “You’re here?” she asked, smiling brightly at him.

“Yes, noona,” Joon replied, smiling shyly.  He accepted the fresh pot of coffee that Miyun handed to him.

“Great,” she said, nodding towards the dining area, “The old man in the corner has been asking for more coffee for the past ten minutes.  I’m sure he’s going to start smacking people with his cane if he doesn’t get it soon.”

Joon smiled and nodded.  He made his way to the corner of the room and bowed slightly before filling the old man’s cup with steaming coffee. 

“About damn time,” the old man muttered, gripping his cane.

“S-Sorry for the wait,” Joon stuttered, inwardly grimacing.  He still wasn’t good with talking to customers but he was working on it. 

The old man grunted in response and dismissed him.  Sighing, Joon turned to head back behind the counter.  A young man flagged him down, pointing to his empty cup.  Making his way over, Joon bowed slightly again and filled up the cup.

Joon heard the young man choke on his breakfast.  Concerned Joon looked at him and asked, “Are you alright sir?”

The young man stared at him, his eyes wide and amused.  Joon sensed recognition in his eyes.  It was as if he recognized Joon… which was strange since Joon also thought the young man looked familiar.  When nothing came to mind however, Joon dismissed the thought.  Clearing his throat, he asked again, “Are you alright sir?  Would you like some water?”

The young man shook his head.  Taking that as a cue to leave, Joon turned and quickly walked back to the counter.  He could feel the young man’s gaze still on his back.  Who was that kid?  He couldn’t have been more than seventeen… and he looked so familiar.  Where has he seen that kid…?

“You okay?” Miyun asked as she whizzed by him to the cash register.

Nodding, Joon set the coffee pot back into the coffee maker.  Whoever the young man was, he seemed to be extremely interested in Joon.  For the next ten minutes, he sipped his coffee and watched Joon bustle around the dining area.

Soon, the young man flagged Joon down again and stood from his seat.  The young man pulled out his wallet and threw a couple bills on the table.  Towering over Joon by a head or so, he stared with a smirk on his face.  “So this is where you’ve been hiding,” he muttered, slipping the wallet back into his pocket.  “What are the odds?”

“I’m sorry?” Joon asked, his eyes wide.  The young man definitely recognized him from somewhere.  “I-I think you might have the wrong person,” Joon said, bowing slightly.

The young man chuckled.  With a movement faster than Joon could register, the young man tilted Joon’s head up forcefully to face him.  He snickered at Joon’s surprise and said in a voice so quiet that no one else could hear, “You should be more careful, Lee Joon-shi.”  With that, he released Joon and walked out of the restaurant with a knowing smirk on his face.

Heart pounding, Joon leaned against the table and tried to regain his breath.  That surprised and unnerved him.  Whoever the kid was, he seemed to exude danger.  Joon could hear warning bells go off in his head but he couldn’t figure out why.

Joon looked up, startled.  “Eh?” he replied, caught off guard.  He had been thinking about what happened at work that day with the young man.  He still couldn’t remember where he’d seen the guy before but… he definitely looked familiar.

“You’re zoning out,” Seungho said, picking up another piece of carrot, “And you’re not eating.  Did something happen at work?”

“I’m eating…” Joon said, stuffing some rice into his mouth.  He shouldn’t have been surprised at how observational Seungho was.  It wasn’t as if it was the first time he read Joon like a book.  “Nothing happened,” he tried to say, nonchalantly.  It didn’t make sense to mention such an insignificant encounter to him, especially when Seungho had more important things to think about.

Seungho stared at him while chewing his food.  He didn’t say anything but Joon knew he was still suspicious.  However, deciding to let things slide, he nodded and took another bite of food.  “How’s studying?” he asked.

“Good,” Joon said, chewing on a piece of egg.  “I’m ahead of schedule…”

Seungho seemed to be satisfied with the answer.  Finishing off his rice, he got up and brought his dishes to the sink.  Joon watched his back in silence as Seungho washed his dishes.  Now was as good a time as any…

“Hyung…” Joon said hesitantly.  Seungho turned briefly before going back to washing.  Taking a deep breath, Joon continued.  “I… I was thinking of visiting Dara-noona,” Joon stuttered nervously.

Seungho paused briefly.  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said, resuming his dishwashing.

“Why?” Joon asked.  He had asked Seungho to visit Dara when they’d first learned of her accident.  At the time, Seungho had said the same thing.  When Seungho didn’t respond, Joon asked the question that had been floating around in his mind for months.  “Do…” he asked softly, “Do you blame me?”

Seungho sighed and set the bowl down.  Turning off the faucet, he turned around and leaned against the sink, crossing his arms and frowning.  “Why would you ask that?” he asked almost harshly.  He sighed as Joon lowered his gaze.  “Why would you ask that?” he asked again, gentler this time.

“Why else would you not let me see Dara-noona?” Joon murmured, gaze still on the floor. 

“I don’t blame you,” Seungho said, looking at him.

“Liar,” Joon whispered, frowning this time. 

“Hey,” Seungho said loudly, “I don’t blame you.”  Looking away, he bit his lip and considered carefully what he would say next.  “I… I did in the beginning.  It was stupid and… I don’t anymore,” he said firmly.  “And that’s not why I don’t think you should visit Dara-noona.”

Joon looked up at the sudden confession.  Seungho had blamed him before… blamed him for Dara’s accident, for getting Dara involved.  Joon stayed silent, trying to hide his disappointment and shame.  He knew something wasn’t right with Seungho’s attitude when they’d first found out about the accident.  At the time, Seungho’s usual warmth had been briefly replaced by coldness and aloofness.  The temporary nature of his attitude change had made Joon question if it was just him imagining things.  But now…

“See, see?” Seungho said, sighing, “You have a habit of blaming yourself for everything.”  Pulling a chair next to Joon, he nudged him with his knees.  “It wasn’t your fault.  None of that was your fault.  I was being stupid and… I was just shocked at the time.  I told you I don’t blame you anymore but you…”  Sighing again, Seungho scratched his head and said, “This is partially why I didn’t want you to go see Dara-noona.  I thought that seeing her would make you depressed again, Joon-ah.  That’s all.”

Nodding, Joon remained silent.  Even if Seungho claimed he didn’t blame him, Joon was unsure if his words were really sincere.  It was true that his attitude had been nothing but warm and caring in the past month and a half but… Joon couldn’t understand how he could let the blame go.

“Hyung,” Joon murmured, staring at his knees, “Do you still love Dara-noona?”

Taken aback by the question, Seungho straightened in his chair and crossed his arms again.  Unsure how to answer, he said slowly, “I… loved her but that was a long time ago.  Now… I just want what’s best for her.”

Joon looked at him.  Seungho’s face was unreadable.  Was it true?  Could someone just let go of their love that easily?  Joon didn’t know if he could do it.  Although Seungho denied loving Dara, Joon wasn’t sure the words were sincere.  Unsure of how to feel, Joon nodded awkwardly.

“Joon-ah,” Seungho said, leaning forward, “If you want to visit her, I won’t stop you.  I just… I don’t want to see you fall into depression again.  That… it was hard for me to watch.”  He placed a hand on Joon’s arm and squeezed lightly.  “Do you want to visit her?”

Joon nodded.  “Yes.  I really do…” he said softly, “I owe her everything.  If it wasn’t for her…”  He clenched his fists and frowned.  It was difficult to imagine his life in the basement after having lived two months in the sun.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Seungho asked.

Joon saw kindness and understanding in his eyes.  He wanted to believe with all his heart that Seungho had forgiven him; that the tenderness Joon received from him was real.  Nodding, Joon murmured softly, “Yes.  I don’t think I could do it by myself.”

“Okay,” Seungho said, getting up, “Then we’ll go see her.”

Joon smiled as Seungho returned to the kitchen to finish cleaning.  He hadn’t expected Seungho to agree… he certainly hadn’t expected the confession.  But in the end, he was grateful for Seungho’s concern.  Again, he found himself wishing that Seungho had truly forgiven him… and that Dara would too.  But he knew that resentment was difficult to let go… just like forgiveness was sometimes hard to give.  He could only hope that one day he’d be free of his shameful past.  He could only hope.