Seungho breathed in the cool October air as he walked aimlessly down the street.  What had he just done?  What happened in there?  How did things get… so out of control?  His mind was muddled with questions and confusion while his heart was riddled with guilt and regret. 

He screwed up big time.  Not just about what he’d so cruelly said after having with Joon, but also about having with Joon at all.  He’d done the very thing he’d sworn to himself he’d never do: he touched Joon’s pure body before he had figured out his feelings.  He couldn’t restrain his lust and now… everything was so messed up.

Seungho never should have accepted the confession from Joon that night over a month ago.  He shouldn't have kissed Joon, and told him he had strong feelings for him.  In the month that followed, he shouldn’t have kissed Joon when he woke up with him or whenever Joon came home… He definitely shouldn’t have kissed him today.  All the times that they shared kisses, hugs, and skin-ship… they were mistakes.  Every single instance helped lead up to this incident and now, Seungho didn’t know how to clean up the mess.

Realizing that he’d walked to a park, he sat down on a bench and sighed.  He held his aching head in his hands and clenched his eyes shut. 

Seungho knew he’d hurt Joon badly.  It made things that much worse because moments before he’d said those terrible things, they’d been tangled up in a whirlwind of kisses and pleasure.  Just moments before, Seungho had felt as if his entire body was melting against Joon’s body heat.  He had felt so much pleasure… and most of it had not been physical.

So why did he say that?  Why did he say that he didn’t love Joon?  He couldn’t understand it himself.  Did he or did he not?  Why was it so hard to figure out the answer to such a simple question?  He hadn’t been lying when he said he had strong feelings for Joon.  At one point during the month they had spent kissing; Seungho became almost sure that he’d loved him.  But then… the visit with Dara had cast the dark shadow of uncertainty upon him once again.

In the month that he’d spent being intimate with Joon, Seungho hadn’t once visited Dara.  Before the confession, he visited Dara at least once a week if not more.  He’d felt so content with his relationship with Joon and yet so guilty that he could not bring himself to visit her.  And when he finally did…  Before the visit, he was sure he wanted Joon, both physically and emotionally.  During the visit, however, he had missed his time with Dara so much that he’d wished he could rewind time.  But then… as soon as they returned home, he’d been consumed with his need for Joon.

Seungho let out a growl of frustration and clenched his hair in his hands.  Sighing, he pulled out his phone and scrolled through his contacts.  Putting the phone to his hear, he exhaled deeply as he waited for the call to connect.

“Oh Seungho-yah?” a voice said over the ear piece.

“Byunghee-yah,” Seungho said heavily, “Are you busy tonight?  I need a drink…”

Seungho threw back another shot as Byunghee leaned against the wall and stared.  Holding up the bottle, he offered to pour Seungho another shot.

“So… what you’re telling me is that you had with a man,” Byunghee said flatly as he watched Seungho throw back the shot again, “Are you sure it wasn’t a dream?” He raised his eyebrows in amusement as Seungho shook his head.

“It sure felt like a dream,” Seungho murmured, grabbing the bottle of soju and pouring himself another shot.  “I’m glad to see you’re amused by all of this,” he muttered, frowning.

“Well, you know,” Byunghee said, shrugging, “It’s sort of hard to imagine you having , much less with a man.  I usually avoid thinking about my friends in that way.”

“I appreciate it,” Seungho said, throwing back the shot again.  He exhaled as the alcohol burned its way down.  He began feeling the effects of the alcohol after the first bottle they’d shared.  After they’d polished of the fourth one, he was now feeling significantly better and a little bit lightheaded.  Sitting in his friend’s small bachelor apartment, the two of them were sprawled across the carpeted floor.  Bottles of soju littered the floor, along with empty beer cans and bags of opened snacks.

Seungho sighed as he looked at Byunghee’s lazy form.  They’d been best friends since the early years of elementary school.  Their relationship was more brotherly than Seungho’s own relationship with his real brother.  They spent their childhood chasing dreams and fantasies.  Shortly after high school, Byunghee moved away with his family.  It was the first time they’d been separated since becoming friends but they kept in touch.  Through hard work, the two of them reunited in university.  It had been a relief for Seungho, who had then been suffering from his break up with Dara.  They picked up the relationship easily.  Byunghee knew about Seungho’s relationship with Dara and also a little about Seungho’s current living situation, although he had no idea Seungho harboured romantic feelings for his roommate.

“So now what?” Byunhee asked, taking a shot of his own, “You screwed up royally.  Now what?”  He turned and looked at Seungho with a raised eyebrow.

Sighing, Seungho laid an arm on his eyes.  “Thanks for being useless,” he muttered.

Byunghee laughed, picking up a chip.  “You didn’t actually think I was going to clean up your mess did you?” he snorted, munching on the chip, “Since when did I wipe your ?”

“I just…” Seungho said softly, “I don’t know what to do.  I feel like…” He sighed loudly, unsure of how to put his feelings into words.

“Don’t fiddle-fart; just say it like how it is,” Byunghee suggested, “Don’t censor yourself on my behalf.  I’ve known you since you had snot coming out of your nose; I judge you already so just lay it on me.”

Seungho couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped his throat.  It was so like Byunghee to say things like they were.  That was part of the reason Seungho trusted him with such a confusing secret; he knew Byunghee would never abandon him. 

Sighing he pressed the palm of his hands into his throbbing eyes.  Say it like it is?  “I…” he started, “I… want to do these things-”

“Like what?” Byunghee interrupted, “Be specific.”  He paused for a second before quickly adding, “But not too specific.  Please.”

“I don’t know-” Seungho began again but was once again cut off.

“How can you not know?” Byunghee snorted, “Cut the bull and tell me what you want.”

Seungho turned and glared at him.  When all he received in response was a cheeky grin, he sighed and tried to think.  Specific?

“I want… I want to kiss him,” he said, his cheeks turning a bit pink.  He glanced at Byunghee, who rolled his eyes and nodded for him to continue.  “I… want to hug him.  I want to touch him… I want to reassure him when he gets nervous.  I want to see him smile more; to hear him laugh more.  I want him to be around more.  I want to eat his terrible cooking and watch him put too much detergent into the washing machine,” he said softly, a smile ghosting his lips.  He didn’t even realize he was smiling until Byunghee spoke.

“So what’s stopping you?” Byunghee asked, chewing on another chip.

“What do you mean?” Seungho asked, not comprehending.  What’s stopping him?  Was Byunghee seriously asking him that?

“I mean what I meant,” Byunghee replied, pouring them another drink, “What are you so afraid of?”

“I’m… not-” Seungho cut himself off as Byunghee looked at him with a deadpan expression.  Sighing, he wracked his brains to put his thoughts into words.  “I just…” he started, unsure of how to describe it.  Byunghee’s advice to tell it like it is floated through his muddled mind.  “I… I’m afraid… of what people will think,” he murmured softly, looking at the shot glass in his hands, “I’m afraid to be labeled as a homoual.  I’m afraid that people will see me differently.”  He paused and swirled the soju in his glass.  “I’m… afraid that Cheondoong will find out; that Dara-noona will somehow find out.  Even though she’s unconscious, I’m convinced she’ll hate me… I’m terrified that she’ll hate me for betraying her.  I’m… terrified that I’m destroying any chance I might have with her again in the future by doing this now.  What if… what if I can patch things up with her?  What if, when she wakes up, we could have a relationship again?”  he asked, his eyes searching for some kind of answer on his friend’s face.

Byunghee looked at him, his face serious for once.  “Is that what you want?” he asked.

Seungho blinked at the question.  Maybe it was the effect of the alcohol but he was having trouble understanding the question. 

“Because,” Byunghee continued when he didn’t reply, “I didn’t hear you mention Dara-noona even once when you were telling me what you wanted.”  With that, he threw back his shot and let out a satisfied hiss.

Seungho watched him pour another drink.  He let the words slowly sink in.  He hadn’t… mentioned Dara?  But what did that mean?

“It seems to me,” Byunghee said, stretching, “Like you’re using Dara-noona as an excuse.  What you’re really afraid of is accepting that you’re in love with a man.”  He turned to Seungho and gave his usual cheeky grin.  “Well, I love you all the same.  Just, you know, not like that,” he said, ducking as Seungho threw a pillow at him.  “And although you abuse me,” he said, getting up and glancing at the clock, “I’m kind enough to let you crash here for the night.”  Gathering the bottles and garbage, he added with a teasing laugh, “But no funny business, you hear?  I’m a at heart.”

Seungho squeezed his eyes shut and let out a chuckle at the absurdity.  He leaned against the bed as his head spun with both the effects of the alcohol and his counselling session with Byunghee.

What was it that he really wanted?  Was it true that he was only using Dara as an excuse?  Was he really just afraid of being gay?  Did loving one man even make him gay?  How do you define the word anyway?  If he only loved one man for the rest of his life, did that make him gay?  If a man only loved one woman for the rest of his life, was he guaranteed to be straight?  Was love even bound by the rules that society had placed on them? 

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Seungho could feel sleep creeping up on him.  As he listened to the sound of Byunghee shuffling about the room, his subconscious mind floated back to the time when he had so passionately held Joon in his arms.

Joon woke up with a start.

He glanced around the empty bedroom; Seungho wasn’t there.  Feeling his heart sink, Joon sat up and looked at his disheveled appearance. 

He’d cried himself to sleep last night while he was waiting for Seungho to come home.  He couldn’t remember when he’d finally fallen asleep, only that it was late into the morning.  After Seungho’s cruel departure, Joon had stayed in bed.  He’d desperately tried to hold onto the warmth from their love-making but the bed had turned cold quickly. 

With nothing left but his thoughts, Joon replayed the scene over and over again in his mind.  He tried to figure out what went wrong.  Was it something he had said?  Something he had done?  As Joon thought about how the night transpired, he began to understand.  As he thought back to his physical intimacy he’d had with Seungho over the past month, Joon finally understood why Seungho kept pulling away.

It wasn’t because he was turned off by Joon… it was the exact opposite.  The strong feelings he spoke of must have been physical.  Seungho felt a physical attraction to him… but nothing emotional.  That was why he was having such a hard time.  Seungho wasn’t the kind of person who’d use Joon to satisfy his physical needs if he didn’t also feel emotional.  The only person who had done that to Joon was Jang Daeho.  And Seungho was nothing like him.

As Joon thought more about it, it made perfect sense.  Seungho wanted him physically, but couldn’t bring himself to have because he’d feel guilty.  What finally pushed him over the edge must’ve been when Joon had accused him of being confusing in the kitchen.  It was Joon’s fault that he’d lost control.  Seungho didn’t leave because he hated Joon; it was simply because he didn’t love him.

Joon spent the entire night thinking about this.  While he was glad to have finally figured out the puzzle, his heart ached at the reality.  Seungho didn’t love him; he only wanted to sleep with him.  And while this wasn’t exactly new to him, Joon felt heartbroken.  He didn’t blame Seungho at all.  On the contrary, he was grateful that Seungho tried holding himself back.  Despite all this, Joon felt such anguish and self-pity that he’d wept the night away.

Joon snapped out of his thoughts as he realized something was making a shrill noise.  Recognizing the sound as his ringtone, he jumped out of bed and looked around the room for his phone.  He winced as back pain shot through his lower back.  Dismissing it, he dashed out into the living room.  His phone was vibrating and ringing on the coffee table.

His heart thudding loudly in his chest, he grabbed the phone and looked at the caller ID.  He let out a disappointed breath when he read the name Mun Hyunsik.  Sighing, he picked up the call with a dull voice, “Hello?”

“Yah!  Where are you?!” Hyunsik roared angrily through the earpiece. 

Confused, Joon glanced at the clock; it was nearly 11:00 AM.  His jaw dropped as the time registered in his mind.  He’d overslept… by four hours. 

“I-I’m so sorry,” he apologized, running back into the bedroom for some clothes, “I overslept-”

“Yeah, no ,” Hyunsik growled, “I called you forty eight times!  I even showed up at your apartment but you didn’t come down so I thought you weren’t home!”

“I’m so sorry,” Joon said, dressing quickly.  “I-I’m on my way-”

“I’m on my way to get you now.  Just stay put,” Hyunsik muttered before hanging up the call.

Joon looked at his phone as it disconnected.  He felt tears sting at the back of his eyes.  He couldn’t believe he’d slept so late.  And now, not only was his relationship with Seungho on the brink of destruction, he had also pissed off the only person he trusted at KTA and risked losing his job.

Sitting down on the couch, Joon pressed his palms to his eyes and tried to hold back his tears.  He was still way too emotional that something like this could reduce him to tears.  Taking a deep breath, he looked around the room for signs of Seungho’s return.  Things were exactly the way they had been yesterday… which meant Seungho didn’t come home for the night.

As Joon sat there waiting for Hyunsik, he looked at his phone.  It had been a present from Seungho… Joon treasured it so very much.  And although he’d screwed up and hurt Seungho, he would get past this.  He would gather the courage to get past this just like he’d gotten past everything else life threw at him.

Walking into the bathroom, Joon looked into the mirror at his reflection.  His eyes were bloodshot and puffy.  Dark circles rimmed his eyes, making him look slightly sick.  Splashing cold water onto his face, he looked up and tried to smile.  Although his lips were curved, his face looked fatigued and aged.

Sighing, he splashed more cold water on his face to try and reduce the swelling.  Hyunsik was going to pop a vein when he saw Joon’s face.  Luckily, there was no photo shoot scheduled for today.  As far as Joon knew, he had a full days practice ahead of him with the other talents.  That was probably for the best.  Physical exhaustion should keep his mind off of the painful things even if it was just for a little while.

Hearing his phone ring, Joon quickly wiped his face dry and grabbed his phone.  Expecting to see Hyunsik’s name on the caller ID, Joon was surprised to see a number he didn’t recognize.  Not many people had his phone number and they were mostly staff that he’d needed to keep in contact with regularly.  But Joon was pretty sure he didn’t know any staff by the name of Jang Hyunwoo.

Joon jumped when he heard a loud honk from outside his windows.  Peeking outside, it was Hyunwik’s vehicle waiting for him down below.  Making a dash for the door, Joon grabbed his shoes and slipped them on.  Glancing at his phone, he paused before picking up the call.

“Hello?” he said, locking the door on his way out.  Dashing down the stairs, he nearly tripped as he reached the front doors of the lobby.  He looked at his phone, however, when the line disconnected within seconds of him picking up.  He didn’t have time to be puzzled though; Hyunsik was slamming his hands on the horn like crazy.

“Yah, hurry up!” he called, waving at Joon.  

Dismissing the call as a wrong number, Joon quickly climbed into the car as Hyunsik sped off.  Before he could apologize again, Hyunsik muttered, “Well you look like .”

“I… I’m sor-” Joon started but Hyunsik cut him off.

“I don’t care what happened and I don’t want to know either,” he said abruptly, frowning heavily, “We’ve got bigger problems.”  He sighed as he turned the corner.  “Kim Dongmin’s been looking into your profile.

Joon looked at him in confusion.  “Kim…?” he said, not recalling the name.

“Sajangnim,” Hyunsik said impatiently, “The fat guy that came before you had your Critique shoot.”

Joon nodded as he remembered the visit he had in Hyunsik’s office with the older man.  “He’s been looking into my profile?” Joon repeated, not sure what that meant exactly.

“Apparently, he was very curious of you when he met you last time,” Hyunsik said, annoyance dripping from his voice, “He started asking around KTA about your background and stuff.  He’s here now, waiting in my office.”

Alarmed, Joon looked at Hyunsik.  “Why?” he asked, suddenly worried.

Hyunsik shook his head in exasperation.  “He wants to talk to you,” he muttered, “What for… who knows.”  Hyunsik glanced at him and his expression softened.  “Look, whatever happened to you yesterday, leave it at the door you hear?” he said softly.  Glancing at Joon’s puffy eyes, he sighed and said, “We need to do something about your face.”

Joon nodded, his stomach churning with anxiety.  Why was the affiliate of their partner so interested in him?  Kim Dongmin had acted strange the last time he’d met Joon too… what was his reason for wanting to talk to Joon?

As the car turned around the corner, Joon sighed and looked outside his window.  Storm clouds were rolling in from a distance.  They seemed reflective of the day Joon had so far… he just hoped things wouldn’t get worse.

Author's notes:

SIGH.  Clearly, when I say I won't update for two weeks, I start updating like rapidfire.  I'm 100% sure my updates are my way of procrastinating and putting off what i REALLY have to do.  Anywho, here's another chapter.  Hopefully, you'll forgive Seungho a bit more :)   BTW, did you like GO's guest appearance?  I'm thinking of keeping him as a permanent character, although he'll be a very minor role.  And as always, thanks for sticking with the story!  And please VOTE!

Oh and for those of you who still don't know, I've updated a new chapter of Joonthology (my fic about Joon) and it's about Seungho, Joonie, and chocolate syrup.  Please have a look!