Paper Crane

Author: Qooqies

Chapters: 2 (on-going)

Reviewer: YellowGoyangi

Title: 8/10 

I like the title, it’s different, but I wouldn’t call it that very eye-catching to romance readers. Since this is an incomplete story that only consists of two chapters, I can’t really say it doesn’t nor does fit your storyline. 

Future Suggestion: A memorable event that involves paper cranes would be good to show within the story so that it reflects your title.

Description/Foreword: 4/10 

I’m sorry, but at first, I found the description quite confusing. I had to re-read it several times before I actually understood it. >.< Although the description did make me want to read more, you weren’t able to grab my attention with it as quickly because it took me a while to understand it. This was all due to the grammar errors. 

You Wrote: Two lives with different way of living and different problems to solve meet each other.
Correction/Suggestion: Two people, who have different ways of living and different problems to solve, meet each other. 

You Wrote: Two different way of thinking but they made a perfect way to show how to live that is
Correction/Suggestion: Two different ways of thinking, but they made a perfect way to show how to live, and that is to…

Errors on the description can easily confuse your reader; it is also very frustrating to re-read the description over and over in order to understand it. You want a good first impression from a new reader, and a reader would usually judge you based on the description. The many errors on your description could leave a bad first impression for a reader. Also, after reading the first two chapters, I can’t really say that it fits your description just yet.

Appearance: 7/10 

Ooo yes, very nice…simple is very nice. It would have been perfection if the background actually matched the poster though. Other than that, I love the colors and the pictures in the description; they were very eye catching. Now, the chapters’ font size…it would begin big but then shrink into a much smaller size after in the next paragraphs. (Chapter 2) That’s a big no-no.
Suggestion: Stick to one font size and one font size only, otherwise it would look tacking when reading.

Characterization: 17/20 

You didn’t explain nor talk about the main characters’ characteristic traits in your description/foreword, which is totally fine if you showed their traits throughout the story, and so far, you’re doing an okay job at that. From what I read, I found the characters pretty interesting. Like you said in your description, the main characters have problems, and you did a good job remembering to include those problems into everything that has happened so far.

Grammar and Punctuation: 7/20 

I noticed that you used the word “and” A LOT in your story. It is not bad to put an “and” into a sentence to add another action made by the character, but it’s nice to limit that word use. Instead of using “and” so much, try using commas.

You Wrote: He harshly shoved Jiyeon to the wall and gripped onto her wrist that had the bracelet and glared at the scared girl in front of him.
Correction: He harshly shoved Jiyeon to the wall, gripped onto her wrist that had the bracelet, and glared at the scared girl in from of him.

The grammar was off. Most of the time, what you wrote would be in past-tense…which is good, but I caught quite a few times when you wrote in present-tense. 

You Wrote: “Now I remember.” He chuckle.
Correction: “Now I remember.” He chuckled. <--Past tense; very important

At times, I see you using the characters’ names too much, so try using pronouns or other words that represent the characters to replace the characters’ name. 

You Wrote: “This is your collar, Miss Park Jiyeon and it also meant that you are my pet” Myungsoo smiled again before tightly gripping onto Jiyeon’s wrist. “And one more thing, I don’t like sharing my things even though it was only a small greeting, got it?” Myungsoo smiled again and that sent shiver down her spine as she nodded.
Correction/Suggestion: “This is your collar, Miss Park Jiyeon and it also meant that you are my pet” Myungsoo smiled again before tightly gripping onto the female’s wrist. “And one more thing, I don’t like sharing my things even though it was only a small greeting, got it?” He smiled again and that sent shiver down her spine as she nodded.

Plot: 13/15

Plots with arranged marriages are quite common in this site, making this plot very cliché. It was very cliché until I read chapter 2. My reaction was like…WHAT?! She’s Myungsoo’s to be pet wife?! Okay, I honestly didn’t see that coming. It was a total shocker, but quite interesting. 

Flow: 8/10 

The flow is at a fair pace so far. Just be careful because as I read the second chapter, it felt the flow was going pretty fast, especially at the part when Myungsoo got his rage on.

Total Enjoyment: 4/5

You have a pretty interesting story going on! c: I found myself spazzing at the part when Myungsoo got jealous. You did a good job making a reader spazz. May I point out just this one part?

You Wrote: “This is your collar, Miss Park Jiyeon and it also meant that you are my pet” Myungsoo smiled again before tightly gripping onto Jiyeon’s wrist. “And one more thing, I don’t like sharing my things even though it was only a small greeting, got it?” Myungsoo smiled again and that sent shiver down her spine as she nodded.
“Good girl.” Myungsoo hummed before loosening the grip and walked towards the door. Jiyeon who was scared slid down slowly and checked onto her red mark wrist. It hurt. A tear slowly accumulates around her orbs as she held them from falling. Myungsoo paused from twisting the knob and turned around before snickering.


It felt as if this was a plot twist to the story; I don’t know if you meant it on purpose but it was great! It got me very curious on what Myungsoo plans on doing to Jiyeon.

Total: 68/100

R/N; I think you have potential in your writing, and knowing that you English isn’t your mother language, you’re doing a good job at improving. I hope my suggestions will help you. Work on your weak parts, I hope the best for you! ^^