Fogged Window

Author: mellissa

Chapters: 1 (one-shot)

Reviewer: BeautifulMess

Title: 10/10 

It’s a title that captures a person’s attention, that’s for sure. It fit well with the one-shot, seeing how you mentioned it quite a few times in your story. I also like how you used it as a figure of speech. Creative.

Description/Foreword: 10/10 
Your description and foreword definitely provided enough information as to what the whole plot is about. It doesn’t reveal too much though, but it certainly does give the readers something to be curious about. 
 

Appearance: 10/10 
I have no problems with the appearance. Everything was neat, and the poster is gorgeous.
 

Characterization: 11/20
Aside from Yixing, I couldn’t really put a finger on what kind of characters the others are. They did not have big roles, and I believe you put it purposely that way as the story is about Yixing and Kris. Anyway, the way you portray Yixing is clear and obvious; he’s a man who’s been doing the same things everyday like a ritual. Everything to him is dull, plain, and nothing special and you depicted that well. Kris, on the other hand, was a big question mark to me, though. Yes, he was a writer who’s been looking for inspiration and then suddenly stumbles upon Yixing. He may be present in almost half of the story, but we never really got the chance to see what he’s really about. You should have looked into that more and showed the readers how Kris really is and not just the inspiration-less writer.


Grammar and Punctuation: 9/20 
Your figures of speech and creative wording is nice, but all that will be forgotten if you have grammar mistakes. Throughout the whole story, there were many mistakes. I cannot point them all out, unfortunately. First, your tenses are all over the place. If you’re using past tense, stick to past tense. If you’re using present tense, stick to present tense. Never switch between the two, and if you’re confused about this particular topic, you should brush up on your tenses.
Second, there are also punctuation mistakes. I noticed that you used semi-colons, but you shouldn’t include them in your writing if you’re unsure as to how you’re going to use it. Semi-colons are used to link two independent clauses to connect closely related ideas. Do not make it as a replacement for commas, as those two are completely different.
Lastly, the repetition of words. You can refer to a thesaurus to look for synonyms that fit your original word. One quick note though; you don’t need complicated terms to make it sound fancy! The simpler, the better. 
 

Plot: 13/15 
It’s a mellow, laid-back story about a person whose life suddenly becomes brighter when that certain someone unexpectedly comes into their world. It’s a common theme, but it’s sweet, simple, and touching. Just how it’s supposed to be.
 

Flow: 5/10 
At first, the repetitive scenes were okay, but when you used it too often into the story, it kind of got boring. It made me want to skim through it since it’s the same thing again, although I know some of the content was different as Yixing’s view of the world started to change. Once or twice is okay, but no more than that.
Also, you switch scenes too frequently. I know it’s supposed to show Yixing’s everyday ritual and how it progressed positively when Kris came, but if you didn’t abuse the repeated scenes I told you earlier, you could have sneaked in a few moments between them that could have added more depth into their relationship. 
 

Total Enjoyment: 2/5 
I liked it despite the errors you had. There were a lot, but it is certainly something you can absolutely improve on! Based on how you wrote this, you’re good at molding your words creatively, so that’s a plus! Just work on the mistakes I pointed out and you’re all set! 

Total: 70/100