‘I hope everything will stay the same.’

‘Everyone knows how he behaves differently towards Junsu.’

‘I hope I will forever be with Junsu.’

Changmin closed his eyes and opened them again. He had been doing that since thirty minutes ago after he woken up from his deep sleep. He looked around while his body lying flat on the bed, his long slender legs spread open like a lost gamer. He put a hand on his forehead and heaved a sigh. His eyes were hurt, and there were bags under his eyes. He spent most of his time these days to lock himself in the room and cried himself to sleep. He refused to eat, refused to talk and refused to meet anyone. He slept and when he woke up, he would cry again if he remembers the reason he was isolating himself in the room in the first place.

Three of his hyungs would leave him. Junsu, Jaejoong and Yoochun.

They would leave him with Yunho, alone.

He had been locking himself in the room for three days already. He had switched off his phone and didn’t bother to open the door when people knocked. When Yunho was so concerned he used spare key to invade the room, he didn’t respond at all to what Yunho was saying. He tuned everything out.

He was so heart broken when he heard the news. He was deceived too but he was rational, at least that’s what he thought of himself. He knew he would never survive without the company they were in right now, but what could he do? He loves his hyungs as much as he loves his sister, he was very protective and loving towards them but how could…

How could they decide to do such a rash things?

‘It was only for money, wasn’t it?’

He remembers the big fight between the five of them. Changmin who was the maknae didn’t know who started the idea of breaking out from SM Entertainment, and he didn’t want to know either. He was in the fight because he didn’t want them to leave and he was recognised as someone who always speaks what was rational and the best decision for everyone and not what would make him happy.

He thought when he heard they were leaving he would never be able to laugh again. He would only cry and it would take a very long time to find the laugh again.

Changmin rubbed his eyes and stood up on his bed, looking around again to make sure that he was really still living when he felt like he was dead already.

‘Changmin, listen to me,’

‘You can’t ask me to listen to you when all of you here are not even concerned about what I think!’ Changmin remembered he roared and he threw the soft ball on the couch and it hit Junsu. Junsu who was already on the verge of crying broke into tears at once. Changmin screamed, it was high pitched and full of angst that Yunho had to hug him from his side to stop him from doing anything reckless.

‘I’m sorry, Changmin-ah…’ Junsu apologised but Changmin would have nothing of it. Changmin glared at Junsu who was now in the arms of Yoochun and somehow Changmin felt hurt. Why wasn’t he is the favourite of anyone? Why did Junsu leave him? Why did Jaejoong-hyung and Yoochun-hyung leave him? Why can’t they be together and think and resolve about this problem together? Why should they complicate things that related to money like this?

‘You are selfish!’ Changmin screamed until his throat hurts and he saw Junsu’s tears flowed even more. Changmin felt a lump inside his throat and he cried too. He wanted to beg and beg, but what else can he do?

Junsu would forever be with Yoochun. He would fight the company with Jaejoong-hyung and Yoochun-hyung, the soul mates.

And this was the first time he saw Yunho and Jaejoong fought until Jaejoong dried all his tears and Yunho started crying in front of them. Jaejoong looked at Yunho, Changmin was the main concern right now but nothing could be done. The damage was already established and there’s no turning back now.

Changmin felt like he wanted to faint when he saw the bags in the living room. He went to it and kicked them, all of them until the contents spilled out of it like mere pebbles. Changmin was strong physically today but his heart was the weakest.

Changmin was back in the real world.

He stood up and walked to his closet. For the first time ever, he felt hungry. He put on a new shirt and looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was everywhere and his eyes were sunken. He looked like a zombie. He didn’t eat properly for days which were unlikely and unthinkable. He never thought he would last without food but when the hyungs left, apparently he did.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He could do this. He would survive this. He would do anything to forget what they did, and maybe when the time comes he would cease to forgive them. Maybe forgiving himself too because he was too weak to hold on to them or fight for the right cause, and maybe he would find happiness in between them when he was suffering like this.

After the meeting with the managers, he didn’t want to live anymore. Looking at Yunho, the leader seemed so disturbed and there were bags under his eyes. It was obvious he was crying at night after three others left, Changmin felt guilty to think that he was the only one affected by this just because he was the youngest. He hadn’t considered what Yunho felt when he learned that Changmin wanted to stay because he was being his stubborn and rational self, always thinking ahead of the pro and cons before the happiness of their own hearts. Yunho planned to leave too, because everyone in the circle knew he couldn’t be separated from Jaejoong. He would be there for him but the maknae…

I’m sorry, Yunho-hyung. He wanted to say but when their eyes met and his mouth gaped open, the words failed him. Yunho’s eyes were sparkling, not because of grace of happiness or flickers of hope but the sadness that lay upon his broken heart showed up. He was sad. He thought he failed them because they let the three others left to pursue what they believed was right.

They left the building to go to the dorm in the big van. He sat at the back, and wore his big shades. He threw his gaze outside the window while he listened to Yunho talking with the staff. The leader was still strong on the outside, always with his smiles even though Changmin knew quite well he was bleeding severely inside. The van felt empty without the three others there. Usually when the five of them finished the meeting or any work and on their way home to rest, they would be very talkative and playful because it was time for them to actually enjoy life. Changmin would anticipate what Jaejoong-hyung would cook, and Junsu would do some silly things and Changmin would play along and laughed with Yoochun.

It was all like a distant memory even though they left not more than two weeks. The five of them were having their rest. The comeback would have to wait. Yunho would have to come with another plan.

Yunho sat at the front. They weren’t talking, and Changmin pretended he was sleeping to save them the painful conversations. Changmin gazed at the scenery outside the van, looking at the pedestrians and the people on bikes, his heart was aching when he saw them laughing and making fun of each other. Are they mocking me? Changmin was angry and despised them for showing their happiness to others.

Am I not good enough for them to not change their decision?

It wasn’t all about money. That was what Junsu said.

You liar! That was Changmin’s accusations. You said forever. You said you’ll stay with me if anything like this happened. You lied, and I will never believe you again.

Junsu cried that night. Changmin couldn’t help it. He intended to be cruel and he knew Junsu would cry but he was young too. He deserved to do whatever he wanted.

And when Junsu couldn’t answer his accusations or when Changmin was being too cruel, his eyes would avert to Yoochun.

Changmin scoffed. Soul mate, eh?

In the end, Junsu would always follow Yoochun around like a dog even if he had promised Changmin something. Changmin couldn’t put his fingers on what these feelings were. Was it jealousy? Was it competitive enough to make him hate Yoochun?

No. He would never hate Yoochun. He was his hyung too only Junsu was closer to Yoochun than him. It’s the age difference and their opinion in everything and Changmin always bully Junsu, instead of Yoochun who always pampered Junsu after he teased Junsu. They deserved to be together.

When they arrived home, Changmin headed straight to his room and lay on the bed.

What if I stop Junsu from leaving? What if I die right now? What will my hyungs do?

Changmin froze. He just had the thought. The thought of ending his own life. Was it suicide thought, the words that he would shake his head at, thinking nothing about it because his life was perfect. Was. Now what?

He missed the three of them already even if the rage inside his heart still not subsided. They were taking spaces from each other like a broken up couple. There would be an awkward moment, there would be gap between them, and there would be bad words and tears. But everything would be alright again, that’s what Junsu said. But when?

He stood up and walked out of the room. Yunho who was in the kitchen, maybe trying to cook them some ramyun called out to him but he didn’t answer. His heart was the one leading him right now. He didn’t care anymore. Something should be out of his body right now. He should vent out his feelings. It would be not healthy to stay indoors and he was damn sure something was not right in the room when there were traces of Junsu inside it. There were last year’s birthday present on the small table and their pictures, various pictures in frames on the wall. He wouldn’t want to throw everything out because he still loves them.

He loves them so much it hurts.

“Changmin!” Yunho called again, but Changmin was out the door with the car keys in his hand. He headed to the parking lot and he didn’t even look back to see if Yunho chased him or not. He didn’t care. He needed to mend his heart first and manage everything later.

He got into his car and started to drive. He pressed on the gas and the car roared. He could hear the car’s tyres squealed when he made a turn to drive to the main road. He would drive to ease his tangled mind, he would drive to calm his worsened heart and maybe, just maybe he would find a way to get him out of this misery.

No, not killing himself. It wasn’t rational. It wasn’t Changmin at all.

He glanced at himself in the rear mirror. He looked terrible but he didn’t care. Everything was falling out of place and he wasn’t here to stay in melancholy. He would return to his previous self.

All for Junsu. Junsu-hyung. Jaejoong, Yoochun-hyung. I’m sorry. Yunho-hyung. I’m sorry too but things had to be out of my way soon.

Changmin drove and drove. But out of the blue the tears came out again when he least expected it. He felt his chest constricted and he closed his eyes.

But one should never close his eyes when he was driving.

___________________________________________________________

Yunho felt like he was going to faint when he heard the news from the police. There was an accident and it involved Changmin’s car. Yunho remembers the registration number and the description of the car matched the one that Changmin always used. It was late at night and he was preparing their meal when the phone call came and he answered it with no other expectations. He didn’t expect it from Changmin too because it wasn’t his ring tone. Yunho was worried at home as he was, but the phone call made his world turned upside down.

But the problem now was, Changmin’s body had not been found. The police speculated that his body was thrown far away from the car due to the impact of the accident but the other car’s driver – Changmin was involved in a car with car accident – was not severely injured. Changmin’s car was the one which went down the hillside. It was impossible to say whether Changmin was still alive or not.

Yunho rubbed the lower side of his face. How could this happen?

a/n The very first chapter is up!!! I couldn't contain my tears when I wrote this imagining that maybe-just maybe they actually had this kind of argument before, and the rest was actually my imagination...

Anyway, thank you subcribers, and please comment! thank you very much for reading! AKTF~