The wedding day came so fast and I think I had forgotten what I did yesterday other than bumming on bed for almost eight hours; watching TV, playing some games on Yoona’s iPad, and eating. Yesterday was unproductive day. I didn’t even get out of the hotel because I got everything I need since Yoona went shopping with Yuri, Krystal, Taeyeon, Sunny and Sooyoung.

 

They invited me, but I said no.

 

I felt something weird between us since Taeyeon and Yoona snapped me. Everything went awkward and this all happened because of my stupidity. Oh God, please let earth swallow me up and let me disappear from this cruel world. It didn’t worth it to live since I lost almost everything in my life.

 

And most important thing was Jessica.

 

I wasn’t ready for this wedding that will be start in approximately thirty-five minutes. The sky wasn’t bright as always. It was dark grey and probably rain was going to come down. I was standing against the wall in an empty hallway, staring blankly at the grey tiles beneath me.

 

I didn’t know what I am doing here where I'm supposed to be in the same room as my friends. But I was too embarrassed to face them now.

 

I had no idea why I got involved to be this kind of business. Just like in dramas when you are the third party of a relationship and you have no idea about it. My life had become a drama.

 

All of sudden, Jessica’s face appeared in my mind; not just her face, all the memories we had were appearing as well. When we were talking about everything endlessly, laughing together, hugging and kissing, we were making love in her place twice, she sneaked out to pick me up in the lobby and we were walking home together until the rain pouring heavier and we ended up sitting under the bridge.

 

Everything popped up in my mind clearly like a movie.

 

And I realized my tears slid down my cheeks just by remembering it. I had no idea when will I have those precious moments with a different person other than Jessica, because I believe Jessica is the only one who could make me feel that way.

 

I swept my tears away, but it keep flowing over. I can't stop them.

 

I slid down, hugging my knees together and not bothering about my dress that may be ripped off. I cried in this empty hallway without anyone notice it and it didn't matter because all I need was releasing the tears that I’ve been held back since Jessica appeared in hotel.

 

My hands were shaking of fear, the clock kept ticking, voices of the guest in the main hall could be heard in this silence. I didn’t think if I can manage it to enter the main hall, seeing Jessica with Hara in front of the preacher, saying the vows and kissing.

 

Now you get what you want, right Tiffany?

 

Jessica’s voice rung in my head and made me crying harder. I love her and I threw away the chance to get her back to my embrace where I promise to myself that I won’t let her go.

 

“I’m so stupid!” I yelled through the silence hallway and pulled my hair hard.

 

I kept on crying, furiously rubbing my arms like a crazy person. What to do? What to do with my life after this without Jessica?

 

It was strange because I think I was used with the loneliness, without girl or boyfriend by my side.

 

But I guess I wasn't.

 

I was already depending on this habit that I had Jessica who made me feel loved, protected and safe.

 

My face was still buried in my arm, until I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders that make me jerked up in surprise. I didn’t hear any steps sound at all.

 

And it was Yoona, looking at me with that sad expression attached on her face. I didn’t say anything, so did she. We just kept hugging as I cry on her shoulder while she was shushing me by rubbing my back.

 

“Are you ashamed for having a stupid sister, Yoong?”

 

“I’m not and you are not stupid, unnie. You were just confused for picking the right option but you ended up chose the wrong one.” She cupped my temple as she brings me closer to her. “Everyone does it. Don’t worry. You still have me, Yul, Taeyeon, Sooyoung and Sunny-unnie.”

 

“I hate myself, Yoong.”

 

“Don’t be. You will be o—”

 

I raised my head when Yoona didn’t finish her words.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Yoona, can you leave us for a while?”

 

That voice…

 

I started trembling again when I heard that voice. It was Jessica’s. I didn’t dare to raise my head to see her. It will be so hurtful if I look at her eyes. Both of us were hurt.

 

Jessica squatted in front of me, her arms crossed on the knees while I believe her eyes were looking directly at me. I was just burying my face on my palms, hiding my swollen eyes.

 

“Will you look at me?”

 

“No,”

 

“Please?”

 

Just like a magic, I slowly raised my head to see Jessica. She smiled as she saw my face—my horrible face.

 

“You are so beautiful even when you are crying, Tiffany.” Jessica raised her hand, caressing my cheek and sweeping my tears away with her thumb. For my surprise, she leaned closer until our faces were only few millimeters away. I know what she was going to do and I closed my eyes unconsciously, waiting for her lips on mine. I’m going to miss this precious lips of Jessica.

 

It wasn’t a peck. Everything went so passionate when Jessica slid her tongue in between my lips. I didn’t expect that and I got carried away just by feeling her tongue clashing against mine.

 

Until she pulled her head away as she her lips, left me wanting more.

 

“You are supposed to be mad at me, not kissing me like that.” I said.

 

“I know, but I can’t lie to my feelings that I can’t hate you. Even after what you did.”

 

It hurt my heart but that’s my consequence. I will accept everything those words that Jessica going to say to me. I deserved it.

 

“Do you remember when you slept next to me under the bridge, Tiff?”

 

I nodded and tears started flowing down my cheeks again.

 

“And do you remember the first time we made love in my apartment? The next morning you confessed to me and you were having hard times to admit your love for me?”

 

“I do. I do remember everything we had, Jessi. Stop telling me those things because I know I won’t get them back again.”

 

Jessica stayed quiet as she examine me. Slowly she brought me to her embrace, shushing me like Yoona did before.

 

“I won’t forget those memories, Tiffany. You knew it that my heart is belong to you, not Hara.”

 

“I know,”

 

“You are the best thing that’s ever been mine, Tiff. You should know that.”

 

And I cried harder than ever as I keep my hands wrapped around her, wetting her clothes. Her body began to tremble all of sudden. It was the time where I know she is already crying. Both of us fell into an atmosphere where our cries were the only things that audible through the hallway.

 

Jessica buried her face on my neck, so did I.

 

We let everything we had been through played in our minds. Reminiscing for few minutes until Jessica brought her lips to my temple, cheek and my lips again. She moved to my ear, whispering something between her sobs.

 

“I love you.” Jessica said it in my ear and she kept repeating it over and over again.

 

*

 

I sat between Yoona and Taeyeon who kept holding my hands since we entered the room. It was raining hard as the wedding started. Hara hadn’t entered the room and I saw Jessica who’s standing in front of the same preacher as the first wedding.

 

Jessica was so near yet so far.

 

My heartbeat quickens as I saw Hara entering the room with a different wedding dress that probably more expensive since it was so beautiful. And everything in my sight has changed if only I'm in Hara's position. I imagined that I’m the one who get married with Jessica; wearing a beautiful gown, saying the vows in front of everyone, and kissing Jessica.

 

But it was only happened in my imagination. Everything was over. My love life with Jessica was over.

 

There was the time where Jessica took a glance at me for few seconds. She knew where I sat at. I saw those eyes who didn’t feel happy, at all. I knew it, deepest in Jessica’s heart, she wanted me to be her bride-to-be.

 

It was too late to fix everything.

 

If I could, I want to make this wedding to be a mess. I want to kidnap Jessica and bring her to somewhere in this world where there will be only the two of us. That was what she said to me few days ago. But I can’t. I really wanted to be a bad girl that will destroy anything I dislikes.

 

Everyone in this room were so concentrated to the couple in the Altar, while I just kept my head low and stared at my hands that being held by my sister and my friend. It was so sad being me, whose the life got ruined by a woman named Jessica Jung.

 

“Jessica, do you take this girl to be your partner, to share your life openly with her, to love, honor and comfort her, in sickness and in health for all time?”

 

I got goosebumps when I heard those words, didn’t think it will be this fast; I didn't even heard the opening words from the preacher. My heart was pounding as hard as Taeyeon and Yoona’s grip on my hands. My hands were sweating and I knew I couldn’t hear Jessica’s answer.

 

She didn’t immediately answer it and made Hara turned her head to Jessica with that kind of scared look.

 

Please say no and give me another chance…

 

But Taeyeon’s words followed up.

 

Third chance won’t be there for you, Tiffany. It will not come to you again.

 

And I stood up, excused myself from the main hall which sent some people to give me a weird look and I don’t care about them.

 

Few steps until I reached outside, but I heard those two words that hurts my heart just like being stabbed by knifes.

 

“I do.”

 

Jessica’s voice disappear and changed with the voice of rain as I stepped into the wet tiles and being poured by the rain.

 

*

 

The rain was going harder and harder with each steps that I took to nowhere. I didn’t know this district but my feet kept moving by itself. It was so stupid that I’m walking with this cocktail dress in the rain. Probably everyone that I’ve passed were looking at me and saying “what is this weird girl doing here without an umbrella?” or “what a crazy girl”. I think I was the only one who’s walking without an umbrella while everyone have it in their hand.

 

But I didn’t care about it at all. I know they won’t notice that I was crying and that was the good thing. Crying while being poured by rain was the best thing and I needed it.

 

Until I ended up sitting in the bench, with my face on my palms.

 

What I really felt is the black hole in my heart grew bigger than it used to and I didn’t know how to minimize it. It was like it grew bigger and bigger as the clock keep ticking and also everytime I realize that Jessica was no longer a free girl. She has Hara now.

 

Everything was over, the real the end of my love story with Jessica.

 

If God would give me more time to be Jessica’s partner, I would really appreciate it.

 

I cried even harder, hugging my knees and mumbling swear words. Until I felt I wasn’t being poured by rain again. I know someone was placing an umbrella above my head, whether it’s Yoong or Taeyeon or my other close friends.

 

But I was wrong. It was Jaejoong with a transparent umbrella in his hand, covering me from the rain.

 

“You will get sick, noona.”

 

“I don’t care.”

 

And Jaejoong sat next to me, looking at me before he removed his jacket and placed it around me. I actually didn’t need that, but I didn’t complain as well. It will be so rude when he’s trying to be nice at me even though all I need is being alone right now. I can’t shoo him as well.

 

“Jaejoong,” I called him.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Am I being overreacting?”

 

“About what?”

 

“About everything. I ran away from the event when I’m supposed to congratulate your sister of her wedding, but I didn’t do so.”

 

Jaejoong clammed up. He didn’t say anything for few seconds until he brought me closer to him.

 

“You are not, noona.”

 

“I’m already head over heels for Jessica. She is everywhere, even when I close my eyes, she is the one whom I see.” I was starting to cry again. Jaejoong sensed it and rubbed my arm to calm me down. “She haunted me, Jaejoong. Tell me what I am supposed to do without her around me from now on.”

 

“Listen to me,” He lifted my chin, “One day, you will forget about her. You will live like she never exist in your world.”

 

“But she did!”

 

“Trust me, you will get someone better than my sister, who will love you with all his or her heart, who won’t leave you alone when you need someone to lean on, who won’t disappoint you.”

 

I didn’t trust him easily, because that person was Jessica and now she had gone from my life, probably will live in an expensive house with her finally-official wife.

 

“Have you ever felt this way? Broken-hearted because someone whom you love is walking away from your life and she won’t come back?” My tears kept flowing down my cheeks and I had no idea how to stop it.

 

“I have.” Jaejoong forced a smile. “I really love her, but she is in love with someone else and I can’t get her.”

 

“Why is that?”

 

“Because she is in love with my sister and I realize I can’t make her to be mine since her love for my sister is too huge and I have no chance at all.”

 

I was the one who clammed up after hearing Jaejoong’s confession. He still loved me and I never thought of it. I'm that girl that Jaejoong talking about.

 

“I-I’m sorry…” I muttered.

 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to be sorry because you have the right to love someone you want. I know what I did to you before was so stupid, forcing you to love me when you don’t have any feelings to me.”

 

I lowered my head, feeling sorry to Jaejoong.

 

“I’m really sorry, Jaejoong.”

 

“It’s okay, noona.” He smiled and I know it was a sincere one.

 

*

 

I arrived at the hotel and welcomed with my friends’ screams because they were worried about me. I was gone without telling them anything in this foreigner country and of course they will be so worried. Yoona hugged me tightly, I think she was the most worried about me. I said sorry for making them worried and everything went fine as Sooyoung brought a ridiculous topic to relieve the pain in me. I appreciated that. This was the time where I (finally) realized that was friends are for; releasing your problem, trying their best to make you forget about anything happened earlier.

 

As they kept chatting, I grabbed my phone on the bed and stared at a name that I will send a message to.

 

 

To: Jessica

20.23 PM

“Congratulations for your wedding. Wish you nothing but the best for your household with Ms. Hara.

And thank you for everything. You were the one who made my life seemed special. I felt loved by you and I’m thanking you for everything you had done to me.

 

This is my last message to you.

 

Once again, congratulations :)”

 

I pressed the send button after I re-read the text for the last time. And my phone buzzed in the next ten minutes after I sent the message.

 

From: Jessica

20: 34 PM

“Thank you :)

We got a lot of time and I hope we still get to meet in the future. Not forgetting the fact that my company is in Korea :)

 

And thank you for everything and your love all this time. I felt grateful because I had a chance to feel it. You are the best, Tiffany.”

 

I smiled seeing her reply and it quickly fade away because I realize it will be her last message as well. The tears were already in the edge of my eyes, but I quickly blinked before it fell down. Before I lock my phone, I saw my picture with Jessica on my wallpaper. I was thinking for changing it with a picture of something and moving our pictures in a hidden folder. And I did it.

 

But I secretly whispered something before I move the last picture of us, which was my favorite when she smiled toward the camera and slung her arm around me. The smile of hers that I won’t ever forget, the kindness of her, the lovely voice when she call me ‘Fany-ah’, and everything about Jessica that I loved. Now she had been a part of my past. I have to lock them up in the box and bury it deep in my heart.

 

Even if you are far away, I hope you will be happy.

 

Though it hurts, though it will hurt, I will never cry again.

 

And when the life ends, in the next world, us two, let's love for sure.

 

 

 

 

a/n: omg is it long? ahaha btw those three italic sentences, they're Tiffany - By Myself lyric :) hope you guys like it ^^ sorry for grammar error and if you are confused, do PM me :] and happy birthday to our dorky leader, Kim Taeyeon! ♡