Jae POV

when i open my eyes in the morning... hyun joong is not in the room.. where did he go.... i look around.. did he ran away? then i heard his voice talking to someone on the phone... he is at the balcony... and he seem ok... who he is talking to early in the morning...

i heard his foot step come from the balcony... i didnt know what to do... i lay my head on the bed... pretended that i still asleep....

he came into the room.... put his phone aside ... and walking toward me.... he stopped in front of me.... i m sitting at the floor... with my head on the bed... he is observing me.... suddenly i feel his hand.... hold my hand and caress me... then my hair....  he is whispering....

"sunbae... i m sorry... did i scare u..? i dont want people to know that i have a broken soul.... did i mislead u?... do u like me? .... mmm... i like u too... dont know when it started, but i felt safe with u around... but with me like this... do u still want me?..."

"yes... i like u too.. and i really want u..." i answered while opened my eyes slowly....

"yah!!!.... sunbae... are awake all this time?"

"what do u think?" i smile at him

"u make me ashamed..."

"really?"

"yea.."

"so u like me .."

"that  ... that..."

"hahha... u really like me... im going to inform my parents..."

"sunbae.... "

"hyun joong..."

"yea.."

"when u want to talk about last night.... tell me.... at least i need to know to help u when it happened again.."

"mmm... when i m ready.. i will tell u"

i canceled everything today.... and some shows i will attended on behalf of u.. u just rest at home today"

"but sunbae......i.."

"if u made another voice... i ll kiss u"

"mmmm...."

"and mom said she will come later to take care of u...."

"but...."

"she really like u.. dont worry... "

"sunbae.."

"yes... still make sound... do u really want my kiss.."

"mmm..."

"i ll try to come back earlier tonight... "

actually  i really dont want to work today.. but some schedule cannot be cancel just like that...ah.... i just realize that since we are launching our new project we never apart from each other for a long time...

i went to work... while in the van... my phone is blinking.

"hyung... i heard he is sick"

"yea... where are u?"

"at the university, "

"do have lectures today?"

"nope, why ?"

"i need some advice from u"

"about him"

"yes.."

"we can have lunch together"

"mmm.. i ll send the car for u"

"ok.. see u at lunch"

LUNCH

"hyung!! hows life?"

"ok... just order what u want to eat "

"u seem so weak... are u depress?"

"no... a little may be"

"why?"

"last night i hurt him.. i just want to .. but the result shocked me"

"what happened?"

"he had panic attack"

"what?! KHJ had panic attack? why? did u make really aggressive move?"

"no... it just something related with his past"

"what kind of past?"

"i think he had been before, and it hurt him physically and mentally, last night he begging me to let him go as if his life is in danger"

"wow... i can never imaging the KHJ , the perfect idol can become like that"

"doctor  said that when he is triggered to that time, he will think he still trapped at that time..., he is shaking and trembling all over, gasping for air before fainted"

"this is serious.... who the hell ... who had make him like that"

" i felt really mad too, but i dont want to forced him to open up... , the only name that came out last night is MAX"

"that person is a bastard... how could someone do thing like that..."

"i felt guilty... i always .. i didnt know.... actually during the first week, most of the night he is having nigtmare, screaming, begging to let him go..if only i found out earlier.."

"dont punish urself hyung... i think, he s doing all he can to face the fear... it is the best cure for that kind of sickness..... may be once he find out that u really love and care about him... he will be cured..."

"i hope so"

"hyung... did he love u?"

"he confess he like me...more than that i dont know.."

"i think... i know how to overcome his sickness"

"how?"

"since the fear is rooted by , i think to overcome it... u should sleep with him"

"sleep??"

"hyung... dont act dumb... u should gently making love with him... let him feel the pleasure of , may be that can overcome the painful memory.."

"yoochun... u r a naughty one..."

"aish... im learning from u... who else"

"but ur reasoning is logic... i have to try it..."

"hyung... u want to bed him or cure him?, u sound too eager"

"i want to do both... since it is so interesting.... i think i want to do it as many time as i can... hahahhaha"

"hyung... sometimes.. i can really see the satanic horn  growing on ur head.."

"but thanks anyway... for the advice"

"yea... i really want to see that person face to face... the person that steal my hyung heart"

"soon..."

"so... how about u? any progress?"

"he didnt know i love him..."

"why dont u confess to him?"

"me is not like u hyung... "

"i want to ask this a long time ago..."

"what do u want to know hyung?"

"how do you know him...i mean how u fall in love with him"

"it is my first love..... love at the first sight"

"where do u meet him?"

"i never meet him before i enter the university"

"so how do you know him?"

"through picture"

"picture?"

"yea... one day when im walking through the corridor... his picture came to me"

"what do u mean?"

"his picture came to me, it fall out from dad's office at home"

"i heard dad s talking with mom about him that day...dad s sponsoring him all the way, he s the son of his best friend, but his parent died in an accident long time ago when we are in the states... and they like him very much... there is an engagement promise between the family, but i think because the child is male, dad didnt want to force any of us... one thing i know is that... i really like him .. even before i met him.."

"yoochun... i never know u re a romantic type hehehe.."

"so ur falling in love with someone who should be fiancee to one of us... an arranged marriage ...  hehehe..... no wonder ur so persistent to chase him... u know that dad and mom will give u an ok"

"so... may be one day i ll bring him home... "

"did dad n mom know ur chasing him?"

"they dont know... they are too busy with u hyung... dad are really worried about u before u meet KHJ.."

"yea... but he changed me... he helped me even when he dont know that he is helping me.."

we finished our lunch... my little brother had grown .... he look more matured than me.... i hope he can get what he want....

i finished my work earlier that day and rushed home... i m missing him so much...

"hyun joong... i m home"

"sunbae.."

"did my mom come?"

"yea.. but i m so sleepy... the pills the doctor gave put me to sleep... but she cooked for me... n read some books n...mmmm....she want to bathe me, but i said im cold... "

"u are shy hahahha... that one i think i should do "

"sunbae... "

"yea.. sorry for burdening u "

"for my boyfriend.... i ll do anything"

"i m not joking"

"me too , can i sleep here tonight"

"yes please... i really hate to be alone at night... "

"ah... u have become a spoiled princess.. my mom spoiled u too much"

after quick shower, i went to his room...

"so... where should i sleep?"

he make a room beside him for me "here..."

"i felt like a groom hehehe"

"sunbae.... "

"yea i know... just kidding... " but actually my heart is beating so fast.... i felt so hot all over my body... it is not like im going to bed anyone... i m not a or anything... pheww... this is hard.... can i sleep tonight without putting my hand on him.... i have too keep my hand from doing anything that will upset him...

"sunbae... "he turn his head, looking at me... "i..i .... had a friend... long time ago.... in my hometown.... at that time i work really hard after my parent died... and i... met him at one of my part time work place.... there s only a few person who want to be friend with him.... because they know that he is gay... and he is half japan, but for me all that didnt matter.... i think i felt pity for him because he seemed so lonely...some guy even said bad words to him... he is so young at that time.. but he is forced to grow up quickly... his parents sent him there to take care of the business... at that  young age and in foreign land.."

"so what happen?"

"he became my best friend, we are unseperated... going everywhere and doing everything together.... i think i mislead him.... i should put a firm stand that he just a friend in my eyes... but he never say or do anything that show he had that kind of interest to me

"and ?"

"and one day.. he came to my room with a bottle of very expensive wine... he ask me to try it since it really rare... i drink the wine... but then i know he put something in it"

"what did he put in the drink?"

"aphrodisiac, i didnt know... he me...... and ... do it again... and again..... i begged him to let me go... i plead him too... but he tied me to the bed and injected the new one when the drug wear off... he kept me for 3 days and i dont know how many time i fainted.... by the time i woke up... he s gone... "

"did u meet him again after that?"

"no... i run away... n come to Seoul... never heard and see him after that.... "

"so... if u meet him again... what will happened?"

"i dont know sunbae... but i think i m really afraid of him... "

"do u afraid of me too?"

"mmm at first... but after sometime i didnt afraid anymore"

"why?"

"my heart say that i can trust u"

"so....... thats why u go with the flow when i ask u  ?"

"may be.... my heart say it s ok.... so i just follow it"

"so..... if i ask u to....mmm....."

"what...?"

"if i ask u to sleep with me... will u?"

"it is not will i do it, but ... can i do it... i...i.... i... dont know if i able to"

"do u want to give it a try?"

"mmmmm..."

"i wont force u..... i know u like me... but .... i dont know if u love me....  so when ur heart say that u are ready... just tell me.."

"mmm... ok.... i will.."

and he put his hand on my chest... ... and put himself nearer.... ah... he is so naive.... i wonder how many nights i can prevent myself from doing anything.....