MinKi

Day 5- Still in bed at home

“MinKi…..GET UP” Mother grants as she tries to drag me out of bed.

“NOOOO!!!!!” I shriek, holding on tightly to the head boards of my bed. I scream and kick like a little girl until my mother lets go.

“Okay MinKi, you win this battle. It’s still not too late to go to school. If you give up now, you’ll only be proving to the kids that you’re not a fighter. I’m going to the market” She says. I listen to the fading sound of my mother’s footsteps. I cover my ears and close my eyes, remembering. After a few minutes have passed, I throw back the blanket and get up. I go to the bathroom and take a shower.

I put on my school uniform and grab my phone. It's 6:50am. I bounce down the stairs and grab something to eat before retrieving my backpack.I dab on some of my mother’s lavender pink lipstick before bolting out the door. I go over to Linh’s to check if she’s there. After a few times of ringing her doorbell without any respond, I make up my mind that she’s gone to school without me. I walk to the bus station and get on the bus. I tab my knees as buildings pass by. I think what I’m doing is a mistake, I can still go home. I get off the bus and walk towards my school. I stop in front of the gate. I stand there, looking at the school building. A lot of things run through my mind as I stand there, motionless. I plant one foot forward and before I know it I’m inside the school. Kids turn their attention towards me. I keep a straight face and walk to my 1^st hour class. As soon as I enter the classroom, I’m engulfed in a hug.

“MinKi, you finally came. I thought something happened to you when you didn’t return my calls and texts” Duck-Won says, not making any attempts to release me from my current state.

“I miss you too” I pat his back and force him off me. I look around the room. JR isn’t here. I’m saved. Only a few students are in the classroom and judging by their looks, they are not happy to see me.

I’m sitting in 1^st hour, and JR isn’t there. I’m able to concentrate on getting some work done. I try to block out the whispering and taunting coming from my classmates by covering my left ear slightly with the back of my left hand. The class room abruptly opens and an older office helper student walks in with a pass. He hands it to Mr.Ki and leaves.

“MinKi, you’re needed in the office” Mr. Ki says, looking up.  I get up, leaving my backpack lying on my desk. Students look up, disgust clearly showing in their eyes and faces. They all avoid eye contact as I begin to walk towards the door of the classroom.

“I suggest you send your bag along” Mr.Ki says, not looking up. I walk back and get my backpack. In the moment, I catch Duck-Won looking at me.

“HWAITING!” His left hand forms a fist and he s it slightly upward, wishing me good luck. I give him a warm smile, before leaving the class. I drift through the hall way, my mind waning from all of the thoughts bubbling inside my head. I finally arrive at the office. I lazily open the door and go inside. The only teachers I recognize are Linh, Mr. Yi and my gym teacher. Apart from that every face appears blank and foggy.

 “This way” Ms. Hae, the office attendant says pointing to the office meeting room. I nod and start walking towards the closed office door. My foot feels heavy with every step. I grip the handle of the door and take in a deep breath before opening the door. I look around, taking everything in. I see the principal, Mr. Ok sitting at the head of the table rubbing his temples. And I see Mrs. Gil, the school counselor comforting a middle aged woman, whose head is down. The woman looks up. It’s my mother, with tears staining her face.

“Ren” She sobs as she gets up. She comes and hugs me, her small hands digging graves into my shoulders.

“What’s going on?” I ask, my voice shaking. I look at my mother, searching for answers.

“Let’s sit first” She holds my hand and leads me to one of the office chairs. She sits next to me, still holding my hands. I sit there, silently waiting.

Ishift nervously in mychair, I rest my hands on my lap, crossing and uncrossing my legs.My eyes watch the room, corner to corner, waiting for somethingorsomeoneto speak up.
“Ah…ummm…. Should I tell him or would you like to break the news, Mrs. Choi?” Mr. Ok clears his throat, looking at my mother.

“Tell her the simple news, I’ll handle the rest” My mom says, sobbing. I pull her into my arms and rub her back in a circular motion.

“I’ll just get right to the point, Ms. Choi. With the recent news of your gender being revealed, some parents and students feel uncomfortable you , so they’ll like it if you dress and behave according to your or drop out” Mr. Ok says, looking down at the table.

“Ren, just change your look for now until everything gets settled” Mother says, looking up. She brushes my bangs away from my eyes as I sit there, absorbing the news.

My heart is still for a second. I can only feel the numbness in my body. Anger and sadness surge through my body, my fingers digging into my thighs. My mind goes black, so does my heart. I sit there, stone faced. My body is there, but my spirit has been crushed. I’m now a hollow being.

“Ren” I’m brought back to earth by my mother’s soft calm voice. I blink and turn my attention to her. Her nose is red and her eyes blood shot from crying.

“What…..”

“Can you go and change, please?” Mother says, wiping her eyes and nose with the back of her hand. I sit there for a second, before nodding. Mrs.Gil hands me a bag with boys’ school uniform and leads me to the staff bathroom. I slowly change out of my uniform, my hands shaking while buttoning my shirt. I stand still when I’m done, looking at myself in the mirror. Bags have formed under my eyes and my body has grown thinner.

“So this is what everyone wants me to be” I tell myself, looking down at the sink. I use my right hand and trace the outer curved edge, slowly making my way inside until my index finger is at the entrance of the small drainage hole. I stand there looking at it. It is so similar to my life. The sink is like my body, the drainage hole is like my true self and the water going through it is the empty promises that are now stained with dirt.

“Mr. Choi, are you having any problems in there?” I hear Mrs.Gil ask. Wow it was so hard for them to call me Ms. But so easy for them to call me Mr. I shove my old school uniform inside the bag and wipe the lipstick off my lips with the back of my hand.

“This is you, MinKi. This has always been you, it’s just that you were too brian-washed and too naïve to realize” I whisper to myself, wiping away the tears. I look at myself one more time, making sure to smile before opening the door. I hand the bag to Mrs.Gil and walk back to the meeting room. Mother gasps as soon as she sees me. She slowly gets up and embraces me, sobbing again.

“It’ll all be over before you know, okay. Just be strong and hang in there” She says, pulling away. It’s now my turn to be the reassuring happy-go-getter child.

“Its okay, Mom” I tell her, hugging her. After talking to the principle, getting my gym locker changed and assuring them that I don’t need to see the counselor, I’m finally allowed to go to my class.

“Bye honey, mommy loves you” mother says, kissing my cheeks. I kiss her back and wave as she walks away. As I walk back to my class, guilt hits me. All of the pain and suffering that I’ve put my mother through.  

All heads turn as soon as I open the door. A few of the kids gasp. The most shocked person is Duck-Won; whose mouth is hanging open. JR is finally in class. I close the door behind me and walk towards my seat. I can feel JR watching me the whole time as I take out my notebook and pencil. I go to the shelve and grab a book on Korean history. I scribble information down, ignoring the whispers coming from my peers. Class ends with students still staring at me. I go through the day, anticipating lunch when I get to see the only person who truly actually likes me, Duck-Won.