Chengdu

June 2014

I was so tired after such a long fan meeting. In times like this I always so thankful for Seungri. He talked too much. It was so much it could cover me and Youngbae, combined. So we just let him to talk and talk all he wanted. We were having dinner and beer out at the restaurant at ground floor where we stayed. I scrolled my phone, wasting my time on Instagram.

It had been days since I tried to call her but no answers. Ever since that time, I had been trying to reach her but no use. All calls forwarded to the voice mails and all my messages not even delivered. I went to her dorm waiting in the lobby, but did not see her walked into the premise, at all. If not because of Youngbae told me don’t, I would definitely go to her company and barge inside to find her.

I asked Seunghyun hyung to ask Tiffany, and I did not know how could both of them now in the terms of talking to each other, but hyung just told me to stop calling Taeyeon, for a while. She will reach me out again when the time was right.

Which making me even more confused. Why she left me in the dark, I wanted to ask. But then I remembered, I also left her in the dark.

Ever since Kiko walked into our room at the backstage of Tokyo Dome, I did not know how to say no. Yoon Noona had been trying to reach me even before that, telling me about Kiko being so depressed and was rushed to the hospital when she found her laying helplessly at her apartment with many pills in her hand. It was months since the last time I met her, so definitely I was not the reason. I heard the talks around, it was because work and the pressure she received as a woman in the industry. But then, why should I be responsible? I asked Yoon noona and she said Kiko had no one but me, which was a lie, because I had been no one to her since months ago when she left me at Haneda Airport asking me to just go back to Seoul and forget her, which I did.

She had always been like that. At one time she would cling into me like there was no tomorrow, I would do the same to her, but then when I needed to go back at work, she would become even more clingier and got mad and throw words at me, and then left me. Then now, when I also turned my back from her, she would come back again, saying words like that ‘I have no one but you’.

She was so different with her, Kim Taeyeon. Taeyeon would give me time. Every time I got busy with work, she would not be clingier, she won’t throw me words or anything. She just let me. Gave me space. Sometimes she would send some message to give me support. She texted me “Enjoy Tokyo, Ji” that time when I decided to extend my stay in Tokyo for taking care the request from Yoon noona. I knew for sure, she had all the thoughts, bad thoughts, if not worse, thinking about me and my ex. But she did not get clingier but just gave me space. She did and I took it for granted, now she stopped doing it.

I saw Youngbae just looked at me. “What?” I asked him. I knew he wanted to say something.

He just shook his head. “I don’t want to get into your life, Jiyong, you know me, I will not. But… I sometimes wonder, why the hell you let her for going back to Kiko again?”

I looked at him in disbelief. “Who said I am going back at her?”

“I told you, I really wished you healed from the previous one.”

I wanted to scream at him but I had no energy. “I really wish people would see, I did. I really did, Bae, but no one believes me.”

He smirked, “how could we believe if you keep going to Tokyo to meet her?”

“I made a closure with her. That was the reason. Last week was the last time I visited her. It was hard to explain it. But I was trying my best. But people would still say otherwise.”

He stood up and said before went out, “because you show people otherwise…”
 

“I really wish people would understand, I did my best,” I knew maybe I took wrong way but I was going to that direction. I wanted to end this well, made a closure, and going ahead with my life. But people still misunderstood.

There was still no news from her. I really missed her.

I scrolled my phone and found her.

On instagram.

What the hell…

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